Monday, December 16, 2013

A Dark Dark Christmas Poem


Twas the night before Christmas and all thro’ the house, 
There was one creature stirring, it wasn’t the mouse;
His stocking was hung in my face with good care,
In hopes that his dickolas would soon be “down there”;
My siblings were nestled all snug in there beds, 
While I gave that damn ass hole some wonderful head, 
And Mama in her ‘kerchief, and my diaper full of crap,
If I did not a good job, “Santa” gave me a slap’
He had just settled into a nice rhythmic fuck, 
I soon had the feeling, I’m fresh out of luck. 
When out in the hall there rose such a clatter, 
My mother came in to see what was the matter. 
Away under the bus I flew in a flash, 
Tossed me under the tire, then made a mad dash. 
The moon on my face with his milky white snow, 
At the corners of my mouth, no suspicion arose?  
When what do my wondering ears they do hear,
A little “white lie” and a suggestion of more beer.
That little old driver, an asshole so quick,
I knew I was stuck with this horrible prick. 
More rapid than eagles his lies when they came, 
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name, 
Now dash here, now dance here, now prance here you vixen, 
On Trusting, on Believing at Once you poor victim.
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! 
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”
As dry heaves from the assault, the wild hurricane did fly, 
When they met with an obstacle, mounted to “that guy”,
So up to the house-top the course that he flew, 
To control all of the aspects of live that was below.
Then to my deep dismay that I saw from this land,
The wanting and yearning of many small hands,
As he held my small head, my head spinning around, 
Down my throat did st. Dick, he had cum with a bound:
Then he dressed and changed my diaper then kissed my small foot,
And his big smile was tainted, that ass hole’s a coot, 
A bundle of lies he had flung on my back:
His eyes how they squinted and dared me to speak,
His cheeks were  were so rosy, the liquor did reek;
His droll little mouth had a nasty smirked smile, 
And the acts he inflicted made me throw up some bile.
The stump of his pipe he held down past my teeth,
And the stroke of his dick held my head in the wreath.
He had a broad face, and a little round belly, 
That shook when he fuck, my face like it’s jelly:
He was controlling and a grump a wright he gave to himself, 
And I cried when I saw him, I had no “myself”,
A squint of his eye and a punch to my head
Soon gave me the knowledge there’s so much to dread.
He spoke not one word, he went to strait to his “work”,
He drained my poor childhood, turned on me; such a jerk.
And laying his middle finger upon me he chose, 
To give the world his warped view and came smelling like a rose. 
He sprung to his family, to his team he gave a whistle, 
And away they all flew, I had to swallow another thistle:
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight;
My sons under the left tire, and to all a a good night. 


Krampus is a sort of anti-Santa, a demon who comes to punish children who misbehave during the year. 
I am using the image here as the anti-Santa who takes childhoods away from children who have not done anything wrong.    

Sunday, December 1, 2013

A Call From A Supportive Uncle

I recently got a call from my uncle from the west coast.  He has been with his partner for I think around 40 years!  He is a very educated and successful man and I am very proud of him.  He is semi retired and has done many years of work in the community where he and his partner reside.  He also loves his older sister a great deal and is her enabler.

I recently got a call from my uncle on the west coast.   He asked me if I had heard from my mother and I told him no.  I informed him I had written her and called her and even visited her but there has been no response.  I asked him about his life and we continued the conversation.   He moved back to the issue of if I had heard that my mother had fallen.  I informed him no I had not heard that.  I guess she is just being passive aggressive.  I asked him about the community work he was involved with and the funding his organization has been rewarding persons or other organizations needing funding for projects or art installations.  He responded with information I asked about and again the conversation went back to my mother and "family/relations".  I informed my uncle that I had not bonded with any of the people there as I grew up in more than one unsafe house and that there was safety in each house until my pedophile took that safety away.

My Uncle and his partner (who I have met once years ago) are so really incredible and very supportive of me.  My uncle even sent me a great deal of money to support  the art that seems to be a hobby now but it is what I work for to make it my living.   He also has a deep love and loyalty for his older sister.
I do not believe that he has drawn the parallel to being an enabler.  What happened to "fight your own battles".  What happened to "Work it out for yourselves!".    I did not have the luxury of having much of a relationship to my siblings or parents.  I for the most part think of myself as an orphan.

If there are enough photos of me as an infant and young child, you can see that in every photo I began the tradition of looking at one of my siblings when there was a photo in a group setting.  Often times it was a group photo at my grand parents house in Tilden.   The photos changed after the sexual molestation began.  My life of course was shattered.  I believe have put the majority of the pieces together.

I want to confront my uncle about being an enabler.   I do not believe he would knowingly give liquor to an alcoholic.   He may occasionally have a glass of wine but that's about it.  It concerns me that I do not believe he understands that he is an enabler.  For now I will not confront him.

I was thinking about what I would write or send to my mother since it has been a number of years since I last wrote her.  With the print of the "high horse and ladder" I was going to put a gold sticky star near the middle of the back of the horse and state, "The last I knew, you were here", inside the card I was going to put the same picture of the "high horse with ladder" and put a gold star just to the right of the ladder.  On the inside of the card it would read..."Are you here?"

I do not see the point of writing to people who will not write back to me.

I think I may send a Christmas Card.  We will see.






Thursday, November 21, 2013

A Support Group/ Star Trek Voyager Wisdom

Over the years I have searched out support for my survival and I was always looking for some kind of group therapy.

I saw a variety of therapists, some more fitted to my needs than others but I was always interested in joining a group of survivors to see at what point others were with there level of survival.    I joined such a group and have gone to the meetings twice so far.  The first meeting I was very late due to traffic.  30 minutes late.  I sized up the group pretty quickly.  The two moderators are there.

 I feel I did not make a good impression on them as I always challenge at what stage this world has addressed child sexual abuse and if we have been noticing and addressing this issue for [      ]  years........I honestly believe we should be farther along than we are at!

There were 2 monitors and 4 survivors.  There was one man who was for the most part falling asleep.  I feel that he was the least advanced at the acceptance and the dealing with the issues around child sexual abuse and incest.  I was glad the man felt safe enough to find some much needed rest.  He felt safe so his body shut down as it needed sleep.   There were two people who were very engaging.  Eager to voice their opinions with the guidance of the two monitors.  There was one man who spoke sometimes.

I feel I am most likely the farthest along with all the steps I have taken from the time I was 27 years old, when I first began having memories of the abuse.  I am 51 years old now.   That is certainly not a judgment call on the other people in the group.  When I joined this group I certainly want to be a viable
contributing, supporting member of this survivals group.  I am there to applaud and encourage my fellow survivors of the next steps they and I will take to be as fully functional and be part of community as I have encouraged many times.

I truly believe that messages can come to us in many different forms.  We just need to be open to them.

I was watching Star Trek Voyager.  It was really good writing and I took the message for myself and want to pass it along here as I believe it is very relevant.

A crew member had been violated,  the details are not important to this story..........

The therapist in the story told the crew member who was violated that their thoughts were a turbulent ocean.  You need to rise above them.  The therapist went on to say, You must allow yourself sufficient time.  Do Not attempt to deny the emotional impact of your experience.  (I want to extrapolate here to include physical and spiritual experience)  Or the damage it did to every aspect of your existence.

*The survivor states, "How can I worry about my own well being when so may people have suffered and died"  (Here I will state that the ripples of the effects of child sexual abuse and incest run deep and long)

The therapist reiterates, "You are not responsible for their actions!"

The survivor, "With my closest friends and family, how can I go back to my normal life as if nothing ever happened?!?

The therapist replies, "You Can Not!"

The therapist continues, "This experience will force you to adapt.  You are no longer the same person,
and the course of your life will change as a result.  Where that new course leads is up to you.


Saturday, November 9, 2013

No Respect For My Father, I Am Not The Bad Guy, I am The Survivor

I have been thinking how my father and I were at cross roads all our lives.

I am understanding and believing a fundamental statement about child sexual abuse, and that is...

Child sexual abuse is not about sex but more about Control.  My birth father is the most controlling person I have ever met.

I was thinking how the rug was pulled out from under me at 3 separate occasions.  I lived in three different houses in my early life.  An upstairs apartment of a duplex.  The downstairs apartment of a duplex and a 3 bedroom house with full basement.  I felt safe in each house when I was first brought to it but when the molestation began I would once again feel unsafe and I just never developed very strong relations with my siblings or my mother.

Each time my father got a better job or a raise or better hours or over time he began to save and we moved to a bigger nicer place.  Each was a promotion and there were celebrations.  Each place was safe for a short time and then he was having me orally serve him.  I was completely disrespectful of my father over and over as these celebrations were happening.  That's what it looked like to the public.  I was the bad guy.  They could not see the violations of my mouth.  It was very traumatic throughout my childhood and often times my entire upper lip would break out with cold sores.  I of course could never remember the abuses as I was sometimes asleep and sometimes I would just burry the experience as I could not deal with it all.  I just did not understand.  These were not what a child could understand.

I recently came upon a gift I got from my father.  It was on a camping trip.  My father and a close friend of his and I and another young person went to a genealogy store and we each got a special gift.  This was on a scouting trip.  I was really dazed the day we went into this store and I barely remember anything other than the bare details of the outline of the weekend.

This is part of my shattered story that I do not believe I will be able to ever remember, unless I go to a hypnotist.   There are some very wise people, therapists mostly, who have said that you only remember
the abuses when you are able to deal with what happened.   You may need to have counseling with a therapist who fits for you.  They help put things into perspective and will hopefully help you "weed your garden" and put the pieces back together.

In many things there may be "triggers" in life that will affect an incest or sexual abuse survivor.  For me the initial trigger was an aggressive stance from a former room mate.  For some reason I have crossed paths with people who want to control me in order to be in my life.  Am I searching these types out?
I was going to buy a tv/vcr set from a former roommate and I chose not to buy it as I could not afford it.
This former room mate stood on a futon bed to get height on me in a very intimidating way and proceeded to start pushing me around and raising their voice.  I began having flashes of the abuse as I could feel heightened emotions from the intimidation from this former room mate.  I must have been feeling this as an infant.  I was 27 when these strong flashbacks and  emotions surfaced.


Wednesday, October 23, 2013

A Letter To My Mother (A Letter Not Sent)




Dear ******, 

Uncle Joe called me awhile back and we had a nice chat.  In that chat he told me you had fallen.  I am sure that can be scary and I hope you are OK.  

I do not know how many more letters I will write if I do not hear from you or others in Wisconsin.  

I do not fore see me begging you to come back into my life for the simple pleasure of editing out 99% of it.  

If this (lack of a relationship/passive aggressiveness) continues as it has I want to tell you the I remember many nice things  you did for me.  I know you have been very kind to me but many times those kindnesses did not bring emotions as my emotions were for the most part shut down due to trauma.  

It saddens me that you are caught in the residual effects of all that I have chosen to experience in this lifetime.  

I am sorry that you blame me for your pain and that you think that I broke your heart. 
My heart was broken long before yours and it was brushed aside and deemed that I had  mental impairment, that “I was thinking wrong”.  I do not have mental impairment and I was Never thinking wrong.    I have survival skills. 

There was emotional damage for the many times that "Thinking Wrong" was drummed into my head.  

One thing I am grateful to you is that you taught me to have empathy for the people who "Don't get it".  Unfortunately you are the one I have empathy for as you are that person.   I do not mean that in any derogatory way......it's just the way it is. 
You have a mind set and you will not budge as to what you believe.  I can not change that.  You continue to lay down the law and end the conversation.  I am sad you will not take the most adult approach and meet me half way.  On equal terms.   I love you.   



(a letter not finished, a letter not sent)   













Wednesday, September 4, 2013

The Way It Should Be



I do not know who designed this...but i LOVE it!




Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Recipe For Life

I love when I remember my dreams.  A recent dream was very comforting and I thought I would post the details and what I got from that dream.

I found myself in a very large clean building that housed some lecture and social halls and also some people I perceived as very wise Deans.  I wandered around the building and observed a few gatherings of people and some of the Deans who had monkeys walking beside them.  I believed they were helper monkeys.  A monkey would sometimes screech at the wise Dean and in turn the Dean would talk back to the monkey in the same screech language.  They were not disrespectful of each other they just knew the same monkey language.  There were two male Deans and one female Dean.  I had great respect for them as they seemed very spiritual and very wise.

As I went through this very large clean building I came upon a kind of waiting room with wingback chairs and a few end tables.  I was speaking with someone who looked familiar but I could not place where I knew her from.  She had a small box of cookies she was reading from and showed me what was written on the box.  It read, "A Recipe For Life".  She explained to me that it was nice that that was written on the box but felt it would be good to apply it to ones life.  We all need to figure out for ourselves what is the recipe for ourselves to live our lives to the fullest.  The decisions we make for ourselves are very important and while we are helped along the way to make decisions we have to hold on to some that are very personal.  Spirituality is one important choice.  I had a great deal of trouble when I decided very young the Catholic faith was not for me.

I am no expert of dream interpretation but this is the message that I took from this dream.  This Blog in turn is part of the recipe I am writing for myself.  A healing process.  Even to this day as I grow there are many who could never believe that I experienced sexual molestation.  I can not be the person they want me to be.  The experiences I had changed me forever and I have to live "as me".

We need to take all the different messages we get from our dreams or the people who cross our path in order to build and create our own Recipe For Life.  Borrow a few good traits from the people we cross paths with and remember the many good things that our healthier family members have brought to our lives.

I always remember one important lesson from my parents.  They taught me to have empathy for people who for what ever reason "just don't get it".  There are some very overwhelming situations that some just can not wrap their mind around.  It is just too unbelievable and they feel their mind would just snap.

My mother taught me to have empathy for my mother.










Sunday, August 18, 2013

Transitional Periods

I am in a transitional period.  I have not been here in a long time.  It seems in the past I was posting on a pretty regular basis.  I somehow was inspired by events or people who crossed my path or I may have been getting encouragement and psychic feeds from the other side.   There have been times in my life where I was going into a situation where I had no idea what I would say or write and how I would say or write it.   In those times I would pray for guidance and a great deal of help with vocabulary.  I can not tell you the amount of times when that prayer was answered.  I have always prayed for strength and courage.  My prayers have been answered many times.   That being said.

The transitions I am going through involve, first and for most, A change in address.  I am now living in a much nicer and more expensive address.  First floor walk out patio and three blocks to a nice lake with many restaurants.  I continue to read many biographies of other survivors of incest and child sexual abuse and watch as many documentaries of the same epidemic.   I balance this self study with watching vintage cartoons and many old funny movies along with some from Bette Davis and Joan Crawford.  I have recently read a biography of Joan Crawford, read like a love letter, and had to watch vintage movies of both these amazing actresses.   I have also been reading more books by James Van Praagh.   Really an amazing psychic and medium.  Of the many books I have been reading I really recommend, "When the Piano Stops".  Fascinating and amazing story of a brave and courageous woman named Catherine McCall.

I have also been investigating a support group to speak about incest and child sexual abuse.  I am not sure how I will be received while being a Gnostic Christian and believing I chose to be a survivor of all that I have lived through.  The first attempt to join the group did not go well.  I got a call while at work about joining the group and when I tried 3 times I did not get a confirmation that the group would meet as there were enough people interested in the group.  I did not want to drive the 40 minutes each way just in case.  Now I can not drive as my car needs repairs and I am investigating the most honest mackanec at the most fair price.  On a better note I did recently get wheels!  I took a cap with my bike in the back to a nearby shop for a few repairs.  I got a front skewer for the tire, got the tires pumped up and purchased a bike lock.  I then biked home the 3.2 miles.  Now I have gone to the nearby store and will soon check out the bike paths nearby.

I am also in the rewrite of letters to the Dr. Phil show who accidentally sent me an email.
This should be interesting.

So....Transitions.  We all go through them.  They can be scary but I always pray for guidance and
most times those prayers are answered.  Try to keep the faith, what ever that is to you.

Peace.




Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Dark Humor On How I Feel About My Paternal Parent



Copy and Paste this address to view the video.

http://youtu.be/6OkcucXIuVI





Sunday, June 16, 2013

A Few Thoughts on Fathers Day

Dear DUD,

I thought of sending you a card to commemorate the 3rd Sunday in June, But there Is No Pedophiles Day! 


Signed, 

Uncounted Survivor





 Never Bite The Hand That Feeds You
.....Unless it's your father,
and he's feeding you his Penis. 



I'm sorry mom, your husband was my pedophile, that would be the 
"in sickness" part of your wedding vows.  




On this day we as survivors can still celebrate by contacting different men we know who are boundary respecting mentors for children and young adults.  There are also some women who go out of their way to provide for and do all the things a man would do if there is no male mentor in their lives.  I applaud all of these wonderful people who are the much needed glue in many lands who help hold us all together to create "Communities". 

I HAVE SAID IT BEFORE, BUT IT NEEDS TO BE REPEATED.  EVERYONE NEEDS TO BE A PART OF SOME COMMUNITY~!  SEEK OUT A PLACE TO BELONG And ADD TO THAT COMMUNITY IN A POSITIVE AND HEALTHY WAY! 



I just looked it up.  I looked up if there was a Mentors Day.  There is.  Mentors day is January 17th.  For me...Fathers day is another Mentors day.  For Fellow Survivors,I hope that you find more peace in redirecting some bad feeling about your father for molesting you to the Mentors in your life who helped you to be as strong as you are.  If you are reading this you have survived.....You are A Survivor.  



You 
  Must 
     Celebrate 

             Being A Survivor! 








Friday, June 7, 2013

Miss America By Day, The Autobiography of Marilyn Van Durber




Her married name is Marilyn Van Durber Alter.  Her book is completely captivating as is she in the videos I have seen on Youtube.

I recently came across the autobiography from Miss Van Durber Alter and bought it from a discount
bookstore.  They did not have it in stock so I ordered it and waited patently.  I was pleasantly surprised to find that the book I bought was an autographed copy.

This book is a God Send.  There are many times I am not able to buy a book so I will go to the library.

Whatever state you live in, once you get a library card you can access Any Book In Your State from the library.  If you can not afford to buy this book.....I Urge you to go to the library and Get IT!

If you need to reserve this book and have it sent to where ever you are I Suggest you do this Today!

Captivating.......Riveting.........Healing!

If you investigate this Woman's Story.....you will come across rave review after rave review of this Lovely, Courageous Lady!

God Bless Marilyn Van Durber Alter....and her Wonderfully Supportive Husband Larry and the rest of her Family!






Monday, May 27, 2013

The Selfish Act of Choosing as Much as I Have

As a Gnostic Christian I believe I have chosen all that I have and am experiencing.  That being said I have been thinking how selfish I have been with all I chose.   Let me explain.  I believe I chose a great deal because I have memories of  the other side and my observing this planet I believe there are a great many aspects of humanity that move at a  s n a l e s  p a c e.   I chose a great deal.  There were many souls on the other side who tried to talk me out of taking on so much in this incarnation but I forged ahead.  Because of this there were some aspects of this life that were made more difficult.  Some of the details of my life will not be made public at this time as some aspects are really too shocking and need to be done with the utmost care and professional supervision.

One thing I did not take into complete consideration is how emotionally this would effect others.

I was given permission from my father/molester to speak about his abuses when he told me to "speak up" and "have some self respect" during a period of my life where because of the sexual molestation I could not speak in more than a whisper.  In turn he has played the hurt parent "for no apparent reason" who cried for weeks and I am blamed for all his pain.  I also am blamed for breaking my mothers heart.

That is of course a very hurtful thing to live with.  I always think of the saying, "To live is to learn, to die is to know".   I believe it is an Eastern Asian Philosophy.  I Love the Message and believe it.   At this point I do not believe it will be possible to speak with my parents.  There is too much of my life I would be forced to deny and I can not pretend I had any semblance of a relationship with my parents or my siblings.  I do have and will continue to have some relationship with my cousins and Aunts and Uncles.  I have sent out dozens of letters and emails to many relatives on the paternal side of my relation and I have received three responses.  A cousin on my mothers side wrote and told me how proud she was of me.  An uncle, my mothers brother wrote and said "I hope this is healing for you."
An aunt, my fathers sister, a former Catholic Nun, wrote and ignored the entire letter writing of only.........Sunshine, lollypops and Rainbows Everywhere..........!

I am always reminded of the unwritten motto of the Catholics.....

Deny Everything, Admit Nothing!


Getting back to the original message........I am mostly sad about how deeply my mother has been hurt.
I know what it is to experience a broken heart as it happened to me when I was 17 years old....or there about...........I was in my parents kitchen with my mother and the lower left part of my heart felt as if it were shifting....the the left..........it locked into place and there was a sharp jolt of pain.  I had experienced a broken heart.  I was not around when my mother experienced her broken heart, I only know that it was attributed to me.  I had heart pains my whole life and it was attributed to a mental impairment.  My mother has heart pains and I am the fault.  "Oh for pity sake" is what I heard"  as a young child when I had survived a near death experience after gang rape.  I know if/when they know the truth  they would/ will be mortified.

I have told a version of the following related story.....my apologies for those who have seen this before.

I have a friend who became pregnant in her junior year in high school.  Being Catholic, she did not believe in abortion.  She gave the child up for adoption.  She did write a long letter to the infant who would get the letter when he was 18 years old.  With that letter would be a way to connect with his berth mother, my friend.  When that time came she was hurt as he decided to not respond.

How horrible it was for my mother to experience a broken heart.  I think back and so many times she was the only one who really stood by me during it all.   How horrible it was for me to have a broken heart as a young teenager as I rarely felt love while living with the people who were trying to give you love.  All accept my father who is a Gemini and always lived a double life.

To live is to learn, to die is to know.

I do feel sad that my mother has been hurt but in a spiritual sense I believe that my father will some day be accountable for is actions.   If not on this plain, on the other side.

If I do not reconnect with my mother before her passing, I pray it is a peaceful crossing over.


Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Regaining Your Humanity/ Not Unlike Escape from The Borg

I have always enjoyed Star Trek Voyager.  I have recently been watching many of the reruns.   The most recent episode I watched was about the Borg children who join the Voyager cast.  They begin to regain their humanity.   I felt a very real connection to them.  From what I have read there is a high percentage of people who begin to remember their molestations in their early to mid twenties.  That is not always the case but that is what happened with me.  I believe that when I first began remembering all the molestation, that was the beginning of this long hard journey back to my own humanity.  With anyone in this sic-fi series when you leave the collective of the Borg there are some metal implants in the body you cannot extract.  Much in the same way that there are always going to be verbal implants in your head, there will be the emotional, spiritual and sometimes physical scars that you must address on a daily basis.

There is  shock at the beginning.  Hopefully if you have experienced this that you had some support.
I personally have received support from less than one percent of my family.  Oh well.  Move on.
I have had support from friends.  As you move forward  you must reintegrate yourself into society and begin to build bonds and friendships.  You must find the keys that work for you to regain yourself and your spirituality.

Search what works for you.  There may be many steps but pick and choose the best route that works for you.



Saturday, April 27, 2013

Cassie's Law: Provide Legal Protection for Children From Sexually Abusive Parents

This is a posting of a petition that some wonderful person on Facebook left on my Facebook page of the same name (Address Child Sexual Abuse) and I am of course compelled to pass it along here!
Please contact this site and sign the petition!


https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/cassies-law-provide-legal-protection-children-sexually-abusive-parents/W8n30krj




And please copy and past this flyer with this blog address.  Thank you!





Friday, April 19, 2013

The 5,000th Page View! Thank You!


Pageviews today 1

Pageviews yesterday 3

Pageviews last month 598

Pageviews all time history  5,000



Saturday, April 13, 2013

Will You Help Promote This Blog?






































Some time ago I made up 6 or 7 of these and went around and put them on college billboards to promote traffic to this blog.  I believe it helped.  I recently came across this one and thought I would post it here to see if anyone would have a place in their part of the world to help me place more light on such a dark subject.  Please copy and post at a college billboard, a community center, a church or anywhere you think it would be appropriate.   I do believe the more people that are reached the more education there is and the fewer children will be sexually molested.  Thank you in advance for whatever you can do!


Sunday, April 7, 2013

Pedophiles Are Serial Killers of Childhoods

I recently watched a documentary about Carl Panzram.   "Carl Panzram: The Spirit of Hatred and Vengeance.  It was a very interesting and chilling story.                                                                     








Carl Panzram (June 28, 1891 – September 5, 1930) was an American serial killerrapistarsonist and burglar. He is known for his confession to his only friend, prison guard Henry Lesser. In graphic detail, Panzram confessed to 22 murders, and to having sodomized over 1,000 males. He used aliases such as "Carl Baldwin", "Jack Allen" and "Jefferson Baldwin" in Oregon; "Jeff Davis" in Idaho and Montana; "Jefferson Davis" in California and Montana; "Jeff Rhodes" in Montana; "John King"; and "John O'Leary" in New York.

Carl Panzram Quote:  "I am sorry for only two things.  These two things are, I am sorry that I have mistreated a few animals in my lifetime and I am sorry that I am unable to murder the whole damned human race."

Carl Panzram had a very rough life and he turned that anger into a major crime spree.  A guard at one of the last prisons he was in gave him paper and pencil to write his story.  It is a chilling account of a disturbing upbringing and many abuses he endured.  The last words of his autobiography were quite insightful and That is what I wanted to share. 

                                                            A View of the Crime Problem

                                                     (Where it begins and how to prevent it)

"Every child has some criminal tendencies.  It is your place to correct those traits and teach them the right way to live while they are young and their minds are forming.  Then, when they reach the age of reason and action it will be quite natural for them to live clean upright honorable lives.  In that way you will stop crime at its source  before it begins.  The main causes of why we are and what we are is because of our improper teaching, lack of knowledge and our environments.  

Teach them the meanings of such things as Truth, Lie, Honor, Hate, Love.  For each lesson, just take One Word.  For instance take the word TRUTH.  Teach them by example, word and deed until they thoroughly
know that word TRUTH.  

If you are really sincere in wanting to teach those boys to grow up into young men, then you will have to go about it far differently than the way I was taught."


Carl Panzram



From the blogger:

The ripples of survival of child sexual abuse go on for a long time.  It is a life sentence.  

I really believe that Pedophiles Are Serial Killers of Childhoods.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

A Few Greeting Cards I thought of for my Relatives


Oh Look....I can see your Cankles from here!  







I see continued Passive Aggressiveness!





If I would send this last card it would not need any caption on the inside.  It is self explanatory.  And of course......If I were to follow the pattern of passive aggressiveness, The card would be unsigned. 



I do not know if I will print any of these off and make them into cards to send to a few choice people but I do like to try to find some kind of humor in things.  As for me, I have been thinking about what some in this world want and demand from me.   As far as my parents, they want me to deny more than 9 years of child sexual abuse.  Thats all!   And then when you are in there lives in the guidelines that they establish, they expect you to edit out 98 percent of my life because they are not going to support me anyway.

So....you think that That is ever going to happen?!?

I would love to propose the same restrictions on them.  I do not think that Anyone would agree to this!


It's always nice if and when you find a friend who can be a wise father or mother figure.  I have known some people like this along the journey of my life.  I like to observe and thank God for people like this and often I see these kinds of behaviors with strangers on the street.  Let's all try to observe and send out good energies when we see this.  And let us try to be nurturing and caring for those who need it.  Maybe you and I can be nurturing Aunt and Uncle figures.






Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Reading Spiritual Books

I rotate my reading materials.  Art books, biographies and spiritual books are some of the rotation.

For spiritual books I have turned to Sylvia Browne.  I joined her church many years ago and have found much comfort in her words.  As Gnostics we believe we have chosen what experiences we 
have to test our own spirituality.   I actually remember conversations with my spirit guide while choosing all that I was going to experience.    I also remember conversations with a few other people before I incarnated into this life.   Knowing this is nice but the bumps in the road are still difficult to endure.  

Recently I came upon another author who is a psychic medium as well by the name of Rosemary Altea.
I am reading her book Proud Spirit.  "Take what you want and leave the rest" is what is always said in the church I belong to.  I have found many of the same teachings in this Rosemary Altea book and look forward to reading more.  I also checked out her website which I found to be very interesting.  

One part of her website at the top (just right of center) is a title.   "Own Your Power"   I am going to investigate Rosemary's Lessons to "Own My Own Power".   



One part of her book caught me off guard a little.  Rosemary Altea has the ability to channel spirits who have crossed over.  She was channeling an old woman known to be "The little old lady with no teeth".

In a trance session for a spiritual class, the little old lady asked if she could give them anything for Christmas what would they like?  

Someone asked for peace in the world.  Peace and harmony in the family.  Healing and the healing light spread throughout the world.  All wars to end.  Food for the starving.  All selfless all giving and all loving ideas for Christmas Presents.  

The teacher in trance, the little old lady with no teeth listened without interruption until they had finished.  Then, and with a gentle smile she replied:

"Because I am love and come from love, and because I am your teacher, I must tell you....if I could give you a gift for Christmas, I would give you the gift of pain...I would give you the gift of heartache...and I would give you the gift of tears...for it is only through these that you will learn, that you will grow, and that you will come to understand the nature of  your soul, and of your strength."


Sylvia Browne has said pretty much the same thing.  Sylvia always asks, "What have you learned during the good times?"  The really tough times in your life are what you really learn from.  


I actually met Sylvia Browne many years ago long before she has become as known as she is today. 
My parents rented a cabin by a lake and Sylvia and her family were at one of the nearby cabins.  
She gave me a mini reading and told me with wide eyes, "You chose a lot!"  I replied, "It didn't feel like I chose a lot."  She did not elaborate, but now I know.  

I encourage everyone to search out spiritual books.  I will recommend the books I read but certainly want you to go to where your heart tells you to go as far as spiritual growth.  I always believe that while religion can be a wonderful thing, Spirituality is where it's at.  Religion is a man made thing.  Spirituality goes directly to God.  


Since the "Other Side" has no negativity, I believe we understand the lessons much more clearly once we cross over.  I believe there will be a great amount of study that I look forward to.  Often times there are a great many things that happen on this earth that I just can't "wrap my mind around" and I look forward to knowing what those events were all about which will bring me to a greater spirituality.









Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Virtuous Pedophiles Website


This is a site I came upon recently and wanted to pass it on to you.  I have not delved into the entire content of the site but if there are pedophiles out there who recognize their attractions to young children and make every effort to Not Molest the children they are attracted to I believe they deserve a great deal of support.  I will be reading more on their site and hope you check in and have empathy and support for these Virtuous Pedophiles. 


" I’m a 20-year-old man who has been trying to deal with an attraction to young girls since I was 13. Women just don't interest me. I wish with all my soul that I could have a brain that's wired normally. I know that I can never act on what I feel, but I need to speak to a therapist because I don't think I can get through this on my own. But if I talk to a therapist he could report me, because I have to talk about my attraction to young girls. I don’t know whether he would or not and don't even know how to go about getting more information. Even the friendships I have are in danger of falling apart because I can't just keep saying 'I'm fine' and I can't talk to anyone about my problem. I think about suicide a lot. "
Anonymous pleas like this show up constantly on the web. This man is a heartbreakingly anguished example of what we call a Virtuous Pedophilevirtuous because he is not going to do anything with a real child. We too are Virtuous Pedophiles, and there are a great many of us, though few people know of our existence. To admit our condition is to invite suspicion, hatred, and social ostracism. Virtuous doesn't mean we think we're better than the average person, just that we're not worse.
We do not choose to be attracted to children, and we cannot make that attraction go away. But we can resist the temptation to abuse children sexually, and many of us present no danger to children whatsoever. Yet we are despised for having a sexual attraction that we did not choose, cannot change, and successfully resist. This hatred has its consequences; many of us suffer from depression and sometimes even commit suicide. Paradoxically, the hatred actually increases the risk of child sexual abuse by making us afraid to admit our condition to others, thus discouraging us from seeking treatment. More of us could lead productive, happy, law-abiding lives if we could open up to people who would treat us not as monsters but as human beings with an unfortunate burden to bear.
The goals of our organization are to reduce the stigma attached to pedophilia by letting people know that a substantial number of pedophiles do not molest children, and to provide peer support and information about available resources to help pedophiles lead happy, productive lives. Our highest priority is to help pedophiles never abuse children. We hope you will explore our web site with an open mind.

http://www.virped.org   Please check out this site!  Thank you.  



Saturday, March 16, 2013

Technological Breakthrough Allows Scientists to Read Your Mind By Melissa Knowles


Most of us have heard the old adage, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." In other words, keep your negative thoughts to yourself. But what if someone could read your thoughts?
A new technological breakthrough allows scientists to see what people are imagining; they can even decipher what number a person has just seen, what video the person has just watched, or what particular memory the person is recalling.
Imaging has become so sophisticated that researchers at Cornell University were able to deduce the mental picture of imaginary people that brain scan subjects were inventing in their heads. Neuroscientist Nathan Spreng said of the study, "We are trying to understand the physical mechanisms that allow us to have an inner world, and a part of that is how we represent other people in our mind."
Here's how the experiment went: Researchers gave 19 volunteers descriptions of four imaginary people, whose personalities had certain positive and negative attributes. The scientists gave names and genders to the imaginary people and asked those participating in the study to imagine how the fictitious people might behave in various situations. Then the scientists scanned each volunteer's brain, using functional magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), which analyzed the blood flow to different parts. They discovered that the volunteers' thinking about each fake person yielded a different pattern of activity. Therefore, the researchers could determine which person the volunteers were thinking about each time, without the volunteers' saying a word.
Spreng said, "this is the first study to show that we can decode what people are imagining."
So while this scientific breakthrough allows scientists to read your thoughts, it's comforting to know that you would have to have your brain scanned in order for them to do so -- they're not just using telepathy.
[Related: Brain Imaging After Mild Head Injury/Concussion Can Show Lesions]
Like us on Facebook.com/TrendingNow, and follow "Trending Now" on Twitter: @Knowlesitall and@YahooTrending.

*Comment from the blogger. 
The part of this article that really caught my eye was, "or what particular memory the person is recalling".
Could this be a way in the future to prove that a person has been sexually molested?  

Friday, March 15, 2013

I Was Not Acting Up, I Was Reacting

Acting up, having a panic attack, acting crazy.  Loopy, not all there, touched in the head.  There are many ways to label a person if they are not acting within the means of basic social standards.

The clever part of my relatives is that over the years when more and more people turned away from and and refused to communicate back to me i.e. answering a letter, an email or returning a phone call, no one will tell me how they view this situation.  No one will say to my face that they think that I am mentally impaired.   I can not get a answer from anyone about the debate of whether I am a survivor of child sexual abuse or am I just mentally not all there.


From the time I moved away from the unsafe house I grew up in to this moment now there has been a fairly steady healing.  There were times where I did have panic attacks but the length of them and the severity of them have decreased greatly.

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  For all the sexual abuse I survived, if you look at how severe my panic attacks were, could you not see that the sexual molestation was that severe as well.

I was not acting up, I was reacting.



Saturday, March 9, 2013

Prison Sentence Without Bars

If it is a prison sentence without bars, [surviving child sexual abuse] I know I have chosen it as I am a Gnostic Christian.

There are so many flip-flopping parallels in my life story.  When I was very young morning the loss of my childhood I was forced to stop crying, as I apparently had nothing to cry about.

When I remembered what I was trying to cry about I confronted my father/pedophile about all the sexual activity he involved me in and it made him cry uncontrollably for a long time.    I am deemed the bad seed and banished.  Siblings will not friend me on Face book, some cousins are the same.  Siblings will not answer emails and the family Matriarch placates, pacifies and dismisses anything about her brother sexually molesting his own child.

As of late my mother will not answer any of the letters or phone calls I have made to her.   I have written her and called and visited over a period of 5 years.  It is passive aggressiveness at it's best.  I have said it before and I will say it again, Passive Aggressive is the new Bully.

Because I did not bond with my family because of dealing with all the sexual activity being thrust upon me, while I do have the need for family, I doubt it will ever be with the relatives who now refuse to answer any and all forms of communication I have tried thus far.  I refuse to play the game.

It always comes down to the debate of, it's either child sexual abuse or mental impairment.

As I have stated before, I will agree to any and all testing to prove I am sane.  Would my father/pedophile agree to the same?  Chances are No, he would not.

SO.........The judge and jury in my case have already decided.  I was not present for the trial.  I did not have my say.  They in turn did not say anything to me at all.  They just, "Talked amongst themselves".

Many years ago my parents taught me to feel empathy for people who are "not all there" as they would say.  There are people who had limitations in what they could decide and what they would say.  What they said didn't always make sense.  We must pray for them and feel sad for them.   My parents think this way about me and I am forced to feel this way about my parents and all the people who are lied to about my mental capacity.  But guess what.....     Actions that I have been involved with and the fact my parents chose to put me in the psych ward at the hospital in my home town "prove" that I need to be there in the first place!

But if there were a graph from the testimony of all the people who witnessed me acting up and acting strangely and if you put it up against the details of all the sexual abuse I survived, it would be a perfect match.

I chose a prison without bars.  I only hope my spirituality holds out.  I have every belief that it will.

Peace.




Friday, February 8, 2013

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Monday, January 28, 2013

Please Copy and Paste this Video To Advertise This Blog.



This is a repost of my little movie to bring more traffic to this blog and help heal people caught up in this epidemic.  Thank  you for checking in and thank you for your help in this.  

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

No "Tag" or Evidence Left After A Near Death Experience

I was recently at a doctors office to get help with a case of bronchitis and/or walking pneumonia.
In the questionnaire at the doctors office they ask if you have survived sexual abuse.  At the end of the visit they ask if I had any questions.  I did.  It was a question I had thought of years ago but only now had the opportunity to ask.

I explained my situation about my survival of sexual abuse and part of that survival was my near death experience that occurred when I was 4 years old.

The way I posed the question is this.

If a tree is in a forest fire and lives, many years later if someone should cut down that tree you can clearly see at what time of the trees life that that forest fire took place.   My question is, "If a person experiences a dear-death experience, is there a way to investigate and is there some kind of "tag" or evidence that there Was a near death experience.


The wonderful female doctor was somewhat taken aback by my question and was surprised that I actually remembered something that happened so many years ago.  She also told me that her own mother lived through a near death experience as well but not due to sexual abuse but by a medical procedure.   She explained because of her mothers memories of the near death experience made her not be afraid of death.  It was a comfort to her mother and to the doctor herself.

The answer from this wonderful doctor was, "No, there is not a way to investigate or find any "tag" of any kind due to the survival of a near death experience that could be found in the body.

Kind of a pity.

The outline of my personal survival is on this blog titled, Each Survivors Story Is Important.  This was my second posting and it was from 2/4/10.

I believe there are some people who could verify this this but I hold out little hope that they would ever come forward.   It's not that I am a very negative person, it's just that the pattern of non support speaks for itself.


Monday, January 21, 2013

Dark Humor (?)





What If some manufacturer combined these two products?!? 


Would THAT protect children from being used as sex objects? 








Every Person Needs To Belong To A Community

Recently I did a search of the word "community" to investigate how many different places a person could reach out to be a part of a group.  A part of a like-minded group to share and grow and help each other.  There are literally thousands of communities out there.  Of course there are the neighborhood communities, sports communities, theatre communities, reading club communities, scrap booking communities etc.  The list is endless and continues to change and evolve.  Some fall away as likes and trends change and there are lifelong communities as well.  Family can be a wonderful community, as are some of your lifelong friends who you see after many years and speak with each other as easily as you ever did.

I did the search about the word "community" because I believe that everyone should be a part of Some Kind Of Community.   Over the years there have been some people who have been rather shocked and saddened when they find that I have from an early age lived my life in a very solitary way.    Of course it was lonely at the beginning as the sexual abuse began when I was an infant.   I became comfortable with myself and spent most of my young life by myself.  I drew and painted and created many different crafts.  I remember most of the time when I was young the other children had to actually coax me into joining a game.  It happened dozens of times.  I believe that there were some times when they just finally gave up and were tired of doing this crazy act for this crazy person.  I do not blame them.

As it is now, I have somewhat been more on my own.  I feel right now I am part of a "Community of Survivors."  I socialize with friends from work sometimes and go out for a few cocktails and happy hour foods.  I go to an occasional  movie sometimes with a friend, sometimes by myself.  I find myself going to the 3D animated movies by myself as I don't know anyone my age who needs to be more of a child since I didn't have one.  But that's OK.  I now get to be a child.  Better late than never.

I hope you can sit back  and take a look at where you are in life.  To be part of a Community is Paramount and Not just for a Sexual Abuse Survivor.    We ALL need social interaction.   Part of the problem is that we don't all get training in social interaction or in a case like me there were bumps in the  road.  We All have bumps in the road.  There are always bumps if there is a history of drug use, or alcohol abuse or sex abuse.  The social graces fall to the wayside when you are engulfed in one or more of these issues.

Please be good to yourself and reach out to a like minded group to join and be a part of.  Search out a Community in your area  or on a Safe Community Online.  Be involved as you are comfortable with.        Maybe try once a week and grow from there.  Treat the people you meet with respect and find out about them and where they are in life.  When did they join the group?  What are there other interests?  Ask about some of the history of events that have happened in the past.  Grow as a person and help grow the Community that you Join!

Every Person Needs To Belong To A Community


Sunday, January 20, 2013

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Thank You to all who have checked out this blog.





Sunday, January 6, 2013

Fatherly Advise

I keep thinking of something my "father" said to me many years ago.  It was during a period of time where I was only able to speak in a whisper.  I was That traumatized by the sexual abuse I had survived.

My father and I were in the kitchen and he told me, "Speak up for yourself!  Have some self respect!"

At the time there was not a detailed example of "what" I should stand up about.  Somehow my "father" was not thinking of the 9 years he sexually molested me.  In essence my "father" gave me the push and the "permission" to stand up for myself.   The consequences are the rub!  You may never think of your mother as your mother as you did not bond with her.  You may be ostracized by your siblings.  You may have droves of relatives who ignore you and toss you under the bus.   Yes I did change my name, yes I did change my religion, yes I did not follow much of the advise my parents gave to me.  For my health and wellness are the only reasons I made these choices.  Unfortunately it seems that there are many relatives who are very angry for my choices.  Sorry. 

In the Gnostic Christian way of looking at things, we all have chosen to experience what we are experiencing so I do not blame anyone for what I am living through.  In the same sense my "father" should not Blame me for what he is experiencing.  He in fact told me to "speak up for myself"!
If I hurt him severely by the tone and wording of the letter that I sent to him outlining all of the acts of incest and the child porn he involved me in, I can only say he taught me not to pull punches.  It was just the way he was with me.  It kind of reminds me of a few lines from "The Prince Of Tides".   The main mother and son in the movie are having yet another difficult talk and the mother asked, "Who taught you to be so cruel?"  He looks her right in the eye and does not blink, "You did mama, you did."

It's a sense of comfort but not a great sense of comfort knowing that all that is not resolved here on this plane, Will be resolved on The Other Side.  (Heaven) or what ever word  you use for how you view what happens when we meet God again.    Whatever you are dealing with in your relationships, know that there will be resolve.  We still need to experience these things to grow.  In part that is what I think.
When we cross over, in our time, it Will become much more clear.