Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Realizing the Magnitude of Loss/ Being Happy That You Are A Survivor~!

There is an evolution of understanding that comes with the research of missing pieces of your life when trying to heal from incest and child sexual abuse.

From the beginning I was always told by "family" that I was always changing my story [of survival],  therefore I was never supported.  The "changing" of my story was actually the memories filling in, in a way that I was able to process them and understand them more.   I have read and realize it to be true that we only remember the abuse when we are of a mature age to deal with all the past trauma.

I like to watch "The Long Island Medium".  I completely believe that there are spiritual souls such as
Theresa Caputo who can speak with the dead for purposes of healing and knowing that our loved ones will always be here with us guiding us and supporting us as try to learn the lessons that we ourselves have placed in our own paths.  That last sentence is in reference to my being a Gnostic Christian and our belief that God is perfect and that we and not God choose what we feel we need to learn and grow from.  Many times on "The Long Island Medium" they of course speak of loss of loved ones and the devastation that it brings.  I use this analogy because we as survivors have a great deal of loss even when we still live with the people in our "family".    Quite literally,  I believe the more members in your family the more loss you deal with.

I have two sisters and a brother.  None of them will communicate with me.  My mother will not answer
any letters I have written.   My father/my pedophile did not answer my letter outlining all of the violations I endured from him.  I was not surprised by that.  Since I saw that my father/pedophile was in complete control I did not bond with any of my siblings or my mother.  There is loss.  I perseverated
all my infancy and childhood about what I was experiences and so I did not bond with school friends.   There is more loss.  I did manage to make some long term friends when in high school but that was because I was getting out from under the controlling thumb that my father imposed.  I joined clubs and spend less and less time with people that I did not bond with.  AKA blood relations.   I have about 30 first cousins on each side of my family.  I am not in my home town and I do not know the extent of lies my father has told to cover up his actions of molestation.  I also do not know how many times these lies have been repeated.  How many people have been hurt by the ripples?

I know many people who speak of lifelong friends and for a time I was envious.  Over the years I have learned to be very happy for those people and less upset as I believe I have chosen this path to better understand more fully the ripples of devastation to those who experience incest and child sexual abuse.   I also take into consideration the layers of ripples to people such as my mother.  She has had her heart broken and I am the target to the cause of that broken heart.  I know that she will know one day that I am not the bad person.   This realization will only bring more pain as she reviews her life and asks, "But what does that make of my marriage?"  Should a person pretend that life is all….Sunshine, lollipops and Unicorns to save the hurt that ones mother feels?  Does this not give the green light for more molestations to continue in future generations?

I knew someone who lived with HIV/AIDS for 20 years.   He and I did public speaking together for 15 of those years about social justice and I often spoke of the issues of child sexual abuse.  One of the talks he gave that I was not able to attend was at a large theatre warehouse space.  He was in front of a crowd of almost 400 people and he told me that it hit him like waves of despair of the number of friends he had lost.  It was over 350 friends he had lost.  He had to step back and take a few deep breaths before he continued the talk.  I held him and we both cried.   I helped him along the way and he helped me find a therapist that fit with my needs.   It wasn't until now that I am realizing that there was a definite connection to the same kind of magnitude of loss.  Because he had more of an emotional connection I feel that his feeling of loss hit him harder as I have asked this question many times;  "Have you ever had a villa in the south of France?"  Most will answer no.  If you had a villa in the south of France (or anywhere for that matter) and you lost that villa in one fell swoop that would be very devastating.  I realize that that is just a thing and not a human connection but you see I will never really understand that because I have never really had a strong bond with anyone in my family so I really don't know the complete loss and I never had those emotional bond.  I can only feel sad that I never had that bond and try to build relationships now.  I have had to hone my skills in social etiquette without having had the foundation that one usually relies upon in a healthy setting of infancy and youth.

I have recently placed an ad on a website to find more friends.  I have had two responses and plan on
going to a museum or out for coffee with these two people.   They are small steps but important steps in not isolating one self.  I always encourage survivors to connect with others in safe and empowering ways.  There will be some missteps along the way, I am sure I have made some but you just have to keep trying.  Be good to yourself and try to be a friend to others so they will be friends with you.

It is fine to be sad about the past but happy that you are a Survivor.  Live in the Now.   Keep growing
and healing.













Monday, October 13, 2014

A Post Shared on a Facebook Page with Same Name of this Blog



I would like to request help with promoting a video that raises awareness about sexual abuse. As a victim of sexual abuse victim myself who recently spoke out and tackled many issues through lots of support and counselling, I found myself asking, "How can I reach out to more victims that might not have spoken out about their experience?"
I found that hearing others opening up always inspires others and empowers victims to follow suit so I created a video to raise awareness: https://vimeo.com/108473065
You are not alone. It is not your fault. Just remember, you too are strong. Be proud of yourself, value yourself and when you are ready, speak out!
Dharshana Navendren

Monday, October 6, 2014

A Kind and Healing Response From healingfromsexualabuse.com

Dear Readers,  I have made comments on many websites and articles I read on the internet.
I rarely get any follow up mention or response but the following response from Amy Marschak very much warmed my heart.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am very sorry to hear that that happened to you.  Many people who are
survivors of sexual abuse feel like orphans, especially if their family
abused them in any way or if their family did not protect them.  If a
family protects the abuser they are not real family.  Real families love
and protect their children.  Siblings brought up in an unhealthy family
can also learn to become or support perpetrators or they can realize
that they want to be kind people and choose kindness and protecting
other children.

I wrote a post with some ideas on how to be your own parent called
"Surviving Mother's Day and the Holidays" at
http://www.healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/surviving-mothers-day-and-the-holidays/

Also if you have not recently reached out to heal more you can try
calling 1-800-656-HOPE and get connected to your local rape crisis
center.  I write this because even though you had a terrible family of
origin does not mean that you need to feel like an orphan for the rest
of your life.  If you feel supported by the hotline, that is great, if
not hang up and try again later or reach out to other resources.  Keep
reaching out until you feel so supported in your life and so great in
your life that you no longer feel like an orphan.

You might also want to check out http://malesurvivor.org/ they also have
a conference coming up at the end of this month.  No one needs to deal
with sexual abuse alone.

Feel free to write back with any questions, updates or successes, it
helps give hope to other survivors.


Sincerely,
Amy Marschak
healingfromsexualabuse.com


Thank you Amy for such healing words of advice.  How very kind you are.  
I have this posting to show that reaching out and networking really do pay off.  You need to be connected with others and reach out to people such as Amy Marschak!    



Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Questions for a Nonsupporting Family

1.In the event that someone in my family remembers child sexual abuse I will…

a.Refuse to believe it and dismiss the person who has memories of child sexual abuse.
b.Support all parties involved in this national epidemic.
c.Educate myself before I make any judgment, before making any decisions.
d.Choose ignorance.
e.Explain on back of page in free form answer if no answer applies to you.

2.My knowledge of incest and child sexual abuse is…

a.I have no knowledge of this national epidemic.
b.I only know about what is in the news and the internet and churches.
c.I do not read such articles, I choose ignorance.
d.Explain on back of page in free form answer if no answer applies to you.

3.What are your views on eliminating the statute of limitations regarding child sexual abuse?

a.There is no statute of limitations for a child who survives child sexual abuse so I believe it should be eliminated.
b.Ten years is a long enough time to take action when investigating child sexual abuse regardless if the person in question is supported or not.
c.When sorting out the ever increasing memories and trying to put them all together there needs to be a longer time.
d.I choose ignorance.
e.Explain on back of page if no answer applies to you.

4.Knowing that child sexual abuse is more about control than anything else I remember that…..

a.My father was a very controlling person.
b.My grandfather was a very controlling person.
c.My uncle was a very controlling person.
d.Controlling men were on my Mothers/Fathers side.  (circle paternal choice when applicable)
e.I choose ignorance.
f.Explain on back of page if no answer applies to you.

5.The reason I do not support the person in my family who has had memories of child sexual abuse is that…

a.My relationship with the man/men the family member remembers is strong and I will not rock that relationship.
b.I never bonded with the person in question and was always told that he/she had a mental impairment.
c.It is a depressing subject and I am too busy to deal with all this.
d.To not support this person is the easiest thing to do.
e.I choose ignorance.
f.Explain on back of page if no answer applies to you.



*I asked my sister many months ago if she would be interviewed by me for this blog.  She said, "No thanks"  I still thought it would be interesting to type out a few questions.  Maybe I will sent this out to a few family members.   If you yourself are experiencing abandonment issues you might choose to use this as a template for your own questions for your family or friends.  If you like print these off and discuss them with your therapist.  Add to the questions and share them here if you like.  Continue to keep the conversation going!  And thank you for checking in.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

A Parents Right?

           


This is a picture of Claude Rains.  He played Dr. Jaquith in the movie "Now, Voyager". 
It is one of my favorite movies.  I have written about this movie before.  I was thinking how as my parents really did try to do the best for me, they were not educated enough, whether school taught or in lives lessons, to make the right decisions for me.  I did get the nick name Bucky when I was very young as I always wanted to do things my way.  It had to do with the distrust I had for everyone in all the places were sexual molestation took place.  Here are some lines from that wonderful movie that depict a kind of parallel situation.  Details, of course very different but the mind set of the parent or parents is the same. 


Dr. Jaquith-My dear Mrs Vale, if you had deliberately and maliciously planned to destroy your child's life, you couldn't havoc done it more completely.  

Mrs. Vale- How?!  By exercising a mothers rights? 

Dr. Jaquith- A mothers rights?  Twaddle!  (rubbish)
A child has rights a person has rights, to discover their own mistakes , to make their own way, to 
grow and blossom in their won particular soil.  


My moto has always been, Let Children Be Children.  There are so many things children miss if they are used as sexual object.  There are also many things survivors of incest and child sexual abuse miss out on if they in turn are abandoned if they dare to speak of their survival of such atrocities! 

A parent never has the right to use their child for sex.  

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Focus Away From The Poisoned Houses and Places of Molestation

I have been thinking about how the houses I grew up in were basically poison.


                                                 
This is not the house I grew up in.  This house is in the neighborhood I live in now.  It looks exactly like the house I was in the longest in my childhood.  The houses I grew up in were what I call the scenes of the crimes.  For some reason my father was attracted to infants and children so each house I lived in started out very nicely but quickly turned bad for me when I was molested in each house.  My parents and more so my mother had many places that I and my siblings would go to over the years.  There were many wedding dances, church picnics, parks and lakes and water-skiing, and camping and family gatherings.  There were very large gatherings at Christmas time and from any persons point of view if you saw all that was presented to me and my siblings you would think that we had it made!  Such generosity of activities and many sacrifices to make all that happen!  Some of us had it made but I was not one of those lucky ones.  The main foundation of your life is where you live.  If you have been violated in a building and forced to live in the place of many violations, that crushes you.  You really do not form a bond with siblings and certainly not your parents as one is violating you and the other trusts her husband explicitly!

At least I have those memories and snippets of relaxation so I try to focus on that part of my past memories.  I have to move beyond the major stresses that living in poisoned houses left me with and focus on the memories away from the poisoned houses.




Wednesday, June 25, 2014

A Letter To My Mother, From File # 13

Dear Eileen,

I remember the day I lost you, for the 3rd time.  I was only around 2.5 years old.  The memory is that we would sometimes take a little afternoon nap.  We would curl up and fall fast asleep and when I woke up you were gone after having put me down for my nap in a most loving way.  I felt your love so many times up until the time your husband began putting his dick in my mouth.

And the next time you wanted to lay down with me I got up and began to cry as I walked away very confused as to why it didn't feel the same and the only reason why is that, Now the house was unsafe and you were not to be trusted as you trusted and went along with almost everything your husband wanted and demanded.

But wait theres more!  This was the 3rd house we all lived in and some form of molestation happened in each house.   He pulled the rug out from under me so many times.  He had everyone eating out of the palm of his hands and doing the "Molly Coddle" thing.  And while sometimes I have felt great pain and anger at this I mostly feel really sad for you.  The only thing I asked of him was honesty with me.  Just tell me what happened to you and lets address this issue of child sexual abuse and incest in the
____________ Family.  And now he is playing the poor damaged disrespected father.

And the Academy Award goes to…….

I know all of the emotions that you have gone through with not having me around.  I know because I experienced all of those same emotions when my safety was taken away from me for the 3rd time at the age of 2.5 years old.  And when I was gang raped and had a near death experience at age 4 years old while receiving the parting gift of oral gonorrhea….well lets just say…that didn't help!

In order to be a part of your life it seems I have to publicly profess to having a mental impairment.  The other option is that we sit down with some trained therapists to discuss and address the real issues…Not the ones you have made up.

At some point we all take responsibility of who we are and where we are in life.  I believe I have done that.  I wish you well on your journey of self accountability.  I wish the same for your husband, my molester.

Lets just Sign Me,

File #13