Tuesday, August 12, 2014

A Parents Right?


This is a picture of Claude Rains.  He played Dr. Jaquith in the movie "Now, Voyager". 
It is one of my favorite movies.  I have written about this movie before.  I was thinking how as my parents really did try to do the best for me, they were not educated enough, whether school taught or in lives lessons, to make the right decisions for me.  I did get the nick name Bucky when I was very young as I always wanted to do things my way.  It had to do with the distrust I had for everyone in all the places were sexual molestation took place.  Here are some lines from that wonderful movie that depict a kind of parallel situation.  Details, of course very different but the mind set of the parent or parents is the same. 

Dr. Jaquith-My dear Mrs Vale, if you had deliberately and maliciously planned to destroy your child's life, you couldn't havoc done it more completely.  

Mrs. Vale- How?!  By exercising a mothers rights? 

Dr. Jaquith- A mothers rights?  Twaddle!  (rubbish)
A child has rights a person has rights, to discover their own mistakes , to make their own way, to 
grow and blossom in their won particular soil.  

My moto has always been, Let Children Be Children.  There are so many things children miss if they are used as sexual object.  There are also many things survivors of incest and child sexual abuse miss out on if they in turn are abandoned if they dare to speak of their survival of such atrocities! 

A parent never has the right to use their child for sex.  

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Focus Away From The Poisoned Houses and Places of Molestation

I have been thinking about how the houses I grew up in were basically poison.

This is not the house I grew up in.  This house is in the neighborhood I live in now.  It looks exactly like the house I was in the longest in my childhood.  The houses I grew up in were what I call the scenes of the crimes.  For some reason my father was attracted to infants and children so each house I lived in started out very nicely but quickly turned bad for me when I was molested in each house.  My parents and more so my mother had many places that I and my siblings would go to over the years.  There were many wedding dances, church picnics, parks and lakes and water-skiing, and camping and family gatherings.  There were very large gatherings at Christmas time and from any persons point of view if you saw all that was presented to me and my siblings you would think that we had it made!  Such generosity of activities and many sacrifices to make all that happen!  Some of us had it made but I was not one of those lucky ones.  The main foundation of your life is where you live.  If you have been violated in a building and forced to live in the place of many violations, that crushes you.  You really do not form a bond with siblings and certainly not your parents as one is violating you and the other trusts her husband explicitly!

At least I have those memories and snippets of relaxation so I try to focus on that part of my past memories.  I have to move beyond the major stresses that living in poisoned houses left me with and focus on the memories away from the poisoned houses.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

A Letter To My Mother, From File # 13

Dear Eileen,

I remember the day I lost you, for the 3rd time.  I was only around 2.5 years old.  The memory is that we would sometimes take a little afternoon nap.  We would curl up and fall fast asleep and when I woke up you were gone after having put me down for my nap in a most loving way.  I felt your love so many times up until the time your husband began putting his dick in my mouth.

And the next time you wanted to lay down with me I got up and began to cry as I walked away very confused as to why it didn't feel the same and the only reason why is that, Now the house was unsafe and you were not to be trusted as you trusted and went along with almost everything your husband wanted and demanded.

But wait theres more!  This was the 3rd house we all lived in and some form of molestation happened in each house.   He pulled the rug out from under me so many times.  He had everyone eating out of the palm of his hands and doing the "Molly Coddle" thing.  And while sometimes I have felt great pain and anger at this I mostly feel really sad for you.  The only thing I asked of him was honesty with me.  Just tell me what happened to you and lets address this issue of child sexual abuse and incest in the
____________ Family.  And now he is playing the poor damaged disrespected father.

And the Academy Award goes to…….

I know all of the emotions that you have gone through with not having me around.  I know because I experienced all of those same emotions when my safety was taken away from me for the 3rd time at the age of 2.5 years old.  And when I was gang raped and had a near death experience at age 4 years old while receiving the parting gift of oral gonorrhea….well lets just say…that didn't help!

In order to be a part of your life it seems I have to publicly profess to having a mental impairment.  The other option is that we sit down with some trained therapists to discuss and address the real issues…Not the ones you have made up.

At some point we all take responsibility of who we are and where we are in life.  I believe I have done that.  I wish you well on your journey of self accountability.  I wish the same for your husband, my molester.

Lets just Sign Me,

File #13

Monday, May 26, 2014

Thank You People of Ukraine

I wanted to reach out and thank the person or people of the Ukraine for viewing my blog.   Recently it was 47 views.  For a blog of this sort with a not very popular subject, 47 hits is Big!  So thank you for checking in.  If you need to talk to someone about any issues you may be going through you can contact me on here or I could send you an email address.

I always encourage people to join in the conversation and ask any questions you want.  I will help you with connections to safe people in your area, interventions or what ever I can help you with.  

I wish you well.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Dear Uncle in Bloomer Wisconsin

Dear Uncle In Bloomer Wisconsin,

I have tried for over 25 years to address child sexual abuse and incest in my paternal family.  The majority of what I experienced is from your brother, Robert and when I was gang raped [by mouth] in your farm house by Peter [the baby sitter and his friends].
They got me drunk and high and passed me around.  I had a near death experience there and I chose to come back.  I had a "parting gift" in the form of Oral Gonorrhea.  I was 4 years old.

I wonder if you remember a guy named Peter?  All I know is that he was the baby sitter and he invited many people over to sexually molest me.  I have all the details chronicled at the beginning of this blog.

It is called Every Survivors Story Is Different.

I count myself one of the many people who applaud you in your recovery regarding alcohol.

I wonder if maybe Peter was one of your drinking buddies.  I wonder if maybe you might have been impaired in your judgment of Peters ability to be a good choice in being in my and my 2 year old brothers care.  Do you know Peter yet today?  If you do, I suggest you contact the police as he is most likely contenting to molest children unless he has been caught before this letter.

I contacted the people of AA and asked them about one of the 12 steps.  The step was #8.

This was the kind response from the people of AA.


Hi  XXX,

I am so sorry to hear what you have experience in your life. I cannot imagine the journey your experiences have taken you on.  A.A.’s Twelve Steps are a group of principles, spiritual in their nature, which, if practiced as a way of life, can expel the obsession to drink and enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole.

The program of A.A. is a personal choice and a personal journey. They are there to guide us, but it is up to each individual how they work with them.
I believe only that person involved in the 8th step can answer that question.

I pray you find resolve and peace for yourself.

In Service
Gail Stenger
Office Manager


[continuing letter to Uncle in Bloomer]

I do not blame you or anyone else in this world for anything I have experienced or ever Will experience  as I am a Gnostic Christian and believe that I have chosen everything I will experience.  The only thing I want to stress is that basic accountability is all I have ever asked for.  I am sorry but I believe that your father got after both Robert and Alice.  I stayed with Alice in Milwaukee and there are actions that tell me that she is a survivor as well.  One trigger for her is Frank Sinatra era music.  She is fine with it if is is Without the Vocals.  Instrumentals are what she listens to.  I feel sad for her because, sometimes people do not do the work.
Lastly there are ripples in the waters of what I experienced.

I have tried to speak with Alice about this for years.  She will not speak to me.  I have tried the same amount of years to speak with my parents.  They have shut me out and refused me on many levels.  I am now asking you to step up and show me some kind of family loyalty.

Without a Firm Example Of Family Loyalty From You, I Can Not Promise To Continue To Have Family Loyalty To You And Yours.

*I do not have my name on my blog as yet, and I have not as yet revealed my birth name.  So I can not sign this letter.  That is why you have received a notice in the mail to read your letter here.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

We Are All Equal, Equally Frustrated

The lived in three different houses in my early life.  I was molested in all three places so I never felt safe.

Being a Gnostic Christian I believe that all human souls were created at the same exact time which explains that, "All men are created equal".

I had many panic attacks and was always moody.  In turn I never bonded with anyone in my "family".
My siblings tried many times to have me join in with many activities but I was always unpredictable and could not be reached.  I had to be coaxed to join many things.

I was thinking how really frustrating that would have been for them.  Little do they know that it was equally frustrating for me.  Imagine you are with a group of people, your brothers and sisters and parents and they are loving caring people and that love will never be trusted as you were sexually molested in that house and did not trust anything that happened there.  Yes, my pedophile is a very loving man and at rare times I felt love from him as well as the rest of my people in the house.  How frustrating for all but no one in my "family" will speak with me about this.

As I move forward I must always believe that "All men/women Are created equally and that for in that equality for every action their is an equal and opposite reaction and all the pain and anguish my mother
has felt with her broken heart happened to me when I was growing up and often complained that my heart hurt.

It was brushed off as a "nervous condition".

I have grieved about my mothers broken heart and feel frustrated that anyone who in close to this
believes that I am the one who caused it.  The root of the problem is of course my pedophile.

It seems we are all equally frustrated.  I will always be ready to meet any one of my "family" on equal ground.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Try Many Times and Many Ways For Many Things But Know When To Move On

When I try something, I really try something.  That is to say I go about it from all angles and try many things before I must move on.  Case in point.  I was raised Catholic but am not any more.  I did not think the Catholic Church was for me.  I joined the choir, I played guitar in church, I volunteered in many things and it did not seem that it was for me.  I then thought it was maybe "this" Catholic Church.
(My parents Catholic Church).  I decided I would join another Catholic Church.   Here is the old saying
"I walked 3 miles across town" to get to this church and after going to mass a few times, I joined the Liturgy Committee.  I found out that from every angle I looked and got involved it was still not right for me.  I have to state on so many levels the Catholic's left me long before I left them.

That being said, over the years I have searched my memories about my "family".  If my father had not molested me in the house and so many times over so many years I would have some kind of relationship with my three siblings.  I remember my being moody all the time, and who would want to spend any time with someone dealing with all the trauma of incest and rape and a near death experience by the time they were 4 years old!  The ripples of what crashed into my life are powerful.

I sometimes feel sad about not having family in my life but I have been investigating the stages a person goes through when they are an "actual" orphan and their parents do physically die.   Many years ago I visited a Native American Orphanage.  My aunt was the principal and held the Masses there as well.
I was told about what orphans were and that this was a safe place for them when there mothers and fathers die.  I was pretty young and casually asked one of the little kids where there mother and father were.  It hit me when this little child told me that they were dead.  I ran and hid and cried.  When an adult found me they nurtured me and consoled me.   In a way I believe I felt just like the orphans accept it my be more difficult as with me or others experiencing constant trauma.  You are surrounded by many who feel love for you, who express love for you and you don't feel anything for them as the father of the house has taken that away from you.   The pedophile who continues to look like the good guy, who provides food shelter housing and goes out of his way to feel hurt by my crazy actions [that he set in motion].        

There are many kinds of orphans.  I have chosen to not get upset about my "family" for being passive aggressive.  I did not bond with them and I doubt that we can all just sit down and catch up on 25 years of not communicating.  I also know that sometimes it takes a great deal of time and effort when a person goes through the process of healing from incest and child sexual abuse.  It has taken me this long to finally reach a place where I can say I have reached personhood.   Now to move on.

Keep Moving Forward