Wednesday, December 3, 2014

HGTV Analogy

I watch a great deal of HGTV.  The Property Brothers and Income Property are two of the favorites.

When these brothers find and restore a house to make it a Home they have to investigate the foundation, check the plumbing, the electrical works, Take Down Walls…….The list is sometimes a complete Gut Job.

When someone is finding out who they really are during the healing process after the realization and the acceptance of incest and child sexual abuse they have to do much the same thing.   A person has to find out about their foundation, their physical and mental health…how they are wired, they have to Take Down Walls…..

Many years ago I was renting a basement one bedroom apartment.  It was in an old building with great woodwork tall ceilings and a nice galley kitchen.   The bathroom floor was rotting away and the tiles were coming up.  I asked the building engineer to take a look at it and please do something about it.
He took a look and said, "I'll take up the loose tiles and put a rug down.  I protested and explained the rotting floor is still going to be there and needed to be addressed.  He brought in some people who took the floor away down to the dirt and some very large square beams the building was built on.  He replaced all the wood and it had a safe foundation and was dry once again.

The point is; you can't just gloss over a problem.  You have to address it head on.  I am doing the right thing by moving on from people who just want to gloss over and pretend nothing happened.

It's almost as if the building could be "The Family" and we are all interconnected and if you rip away parts of that house the entire family will feel the pain.  I have already gone through most of the most difficult pain while experiencing the molestation and when I was experiencing that my "Family" was experiencing a great deal of frustration.  Now I am feeling the frustration and the Family refuses to go through the pain and growth part by refusing any and all attempts I make to be a part of the group.   And refusing to believe anything happened at all.  Passive Aggressive is not an adult way to respond to incest and child sexual abuse.

It will hurt but the healthiest way to address the ever growing Cancer known as Incest and Child Sexual Abuse is to work on the foundation and repair all the things broken that are not seen.

Thursday, November 20, 2014


I have just come across this blog and I am in love with this woman already!  Just because it looks like
we both like dark humor.  I can picture her standing with a sweet smile saying the above title!

I will be delving into more of this site very soon.  It looks like a great deal of wonderfully helpful
advice with a great deal of common sense (which I Love).

A Conversation With a Friend about Life, Keep The Faith

I was speaking with a friend of 23 years about life and what we have and have not accomplished.
This friend has been feeling that they have not accomplished all that they set out to.  My friend told
me about a similar conversation with another friend who stated that sometimes you can not accomplish
much until you clear the table.  Clearing the table referred to wiping away all the misinformation that
we have been wrongfully taught.  Some people just have more to clear away.

I agree with this assessment completely.  I also want to ad to this that some people such as myself have
to also put all the pieces together from our shattered childhoods.

It is spoken of a great deal in the Gnostic Tradition that we don't have to accomplish great things, we just need to keep moving forward.  We are in fact doing some pretty amazing things just for living in
and surviving such a negative place as the school we call Earth.

Clear away your table in your space and time and Keep the Faith.  Put your puzzle together in your own space and time.  And Keep The Faith.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

DARK HUMOR - Twas The Night Before Christmas (Santa Was A Pedophile)

Twas the night before Christmas and all thro’ the house, 
There was one creature stirring, it wasn’t the mouse;
His stocking was hung in my face with such dare,
In hopes that his dickolas would soon be “down there”;
My siblings were nestled all snug in there beds, 
While I gave that damn ass hole some wonderful head, 
And Mama in her ‘kerchief, and my diaper full of crap,
If I did not a good job, “Santa” gave me a slap’
He had just settled into a nice rhythmic fuck, 
I soon had the feeling, I’m fresh out of luck. 
When out in the hall there rose such a clatter, 
My mother came in to see what was the matter. 
Away under the bus I flew in a flash, 
Tossed me under the tire, then made a mad dash. 
The moon on my face with his milky white snow, 
At the corners of my mouth, no suspicion arose?  
When what do my wondering ears they do hear,
A little “white lie” and a suggestion of more beer.
That little old driver, an asshole so quick,
I knew I was stuck with this horrible prick. 
More rapid than eagles his lies when they came, 
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name, 
Now dash here, now dance here, now prance here you vixen, 
On Trusting, on Believing at Once you poor victim.
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! 
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”
As dry heaves from the assault, the wild hurricane did fly, 
When they met with an obstacle, mounted to “that guy”,
So up to the house-top the course that he flew, 
To control all of the aspects of live that was below.
Then to my deep dismay that I saw from this land,
The wanting and yearning of many small hands,
As he held my small head, my head spinning around, 
Down my throat did st. Dick, he had cum with a bound:
Then he dressed and changed my diaper then kissed my small foot,
And his big smile was tainted, that ass hole’s a coot, 
A bundle of lies he had flung on my back:
His eyes how they squinted and dared me to speak,
His cheeks were  were so rosy, the liquor did reek;
His droll little mouth had a nasty smirked smile, 
And the acts he inflicted made me throw up some bile.
The stump of his pipe he held down past my teeth,
And the stroke of his dick held my head in the wreath.
He had a broad face, and a little round belly, 
That shook when he fuck, my face like it’s jelly:

He was controlling and a grump a wright he gave to himself, 
And I cried when I saw him, I had no “myself”,
A squint of his eye and a punch to my head
Soon gave me the knowledge there’s so much to dread.
He spoke not one word, he went straight to his “work”,
He drained my poor childhood, turned on me; such a jerk.
And laying his middle finger upon me he chose, 
To give the world his warped view and came smelling like a rose. 
He sprung to his family, to his team he gave a whistle, 
And away they all flew, I had to swallow another thistle:
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight;
My sons under the left tire, and to all a a good night. 

It is near the Holiday Season and I thought I would repost this.  Such dark humor.  Sorry if you are offended but this type
of dark humor helps me get through life.  Who else but a survivor of darkness could write such horrible things?!?  ;-)

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Realizing the Magnitude of Loss/ Being Happy That You Are A Survivor~!

There is an evolution of understanding that comes with the research of missing pieces of your life when trying to heal from incest and child sexual abuse.

From the beginning I was always told by "family" that I was always changing my story [of survival],  therefore I was never supported.  The "changing" of my story was actually the memories filling in, in a way that I was able to process them and understand them more.   I have read and realize it to be true that we only remember the abuse when we are of a mature age to deal with all the past trauma.

I like to watch "The Long Island Medium".  I completely believe that there are spiritual souls such as
Theresa Caputo who can speak with the dead for purposes of healing and knowing that our loved ones will always be here with us guiding us and supporting us as try to learn the lessons that we ourselves have placed in our own paths.  That last sentence is in reference to my being a Gnostic Christian and our belief that God is perfect and that we and not God choose what we feel we need to learn and grow from.  Many times on "The Long Island Medium" they of course speak of loss of loved ones and the devastation that it brings.  I use this analogy because we as survivors have a great deal of loss even when we still live with the people in our "family".    Quite literally,  I believe the more members in your family the more loss you deal with.

I have two sisters and a brother.  None of them will communicate with me.  My mother will not answer
any letters I have written.   My father/my pedophile did not answer my letter outlining all of the violations I endured from him.  I was not surprised by that.  Since I saw that my father/pedophile was in complete control I did not bond with any of my siblings or my mother.  There is loss.  I perseverated
all my infancy and childhood about what I was experiences and so I did not bond with school friends.   There is more loss.  I did manage to make some long term friends when in high school but that was because I was getting out from under the controlling thumb that my father imposed.  I joined clubs and spend less and less time with people that I did not bond with.  AKA blood relations.   I have about 30 first cousins on each side of my family.  I am not in my home town and I do not know the extent of lies my father has told to cover up his actions of molestation.  I also do not know how many times these lies have been repeated.  How many people have been hurt by the ripples?

I know many people who speak of lifelong friends and for a time I was envious.  Over the years I have learned to be very happy for those people and less upset as I believe I have chosen this path to better understand more fully the ripples of devastation to those who experience incest and child sexual abuse.   I also take into consideration the layers of ripples to people such as my mother.  She has had her heart broken and I am the target to the cause of that broken heart.  I know that she will know one day that I am not the bad person.   This realization will only bring more pain as she reviews her life and asks, "But what does that make of my marriage?"  Should a person pretend that life is all….Sunshine, lollipops and Unicorns to save the hurt that ones mother feels?  Does this not give the green light for more molestations to continue in future generations?

I knew someone who lived with HIV/AIDS for 20 years.   He and I did public speaking together for 15 of those years about social justice and I often spoke of the issues of child sexual abuse.  One of the talks he gave that I was not able to attend was at a large theatre warehouse space.  He was in front of a crowd of almost 400 people and he told me that it hit him like waves of despair of the number of friends he had lost.  It was over 350 friends he had lost.  He had to step back and take a few deep breaths before he continued the talk.  I held him and we both cried.   I helped him along the way and he helped me find a therapist that fit with my needs.   It wasn't until now that I am realizing that there was a definite connection to the same kind of magnitude of loss.  Because he had more of an emotional connection I feel that his feeling of loss hit him harder as I have asked this question many times;  "Have you ever had a villa in the south of France?"  Most will answer no.  If you had a villa in the south of France (or anywhere for that matter) and you lost that villa in one fell swoop that would be very devastating.  I realize that that is just a thing and not a human connection but you see I will never really understand that because I have never really had a strong bond with anyone in my family so I really don't know the complete loss and I never had those emotional bond.  I can only feel sad that I never had that bond and try to build relationships now.  I have had to hone my skills in social etiquette without having had the foundation that one usually relies upon in a healthy setting of infancy and youth.

I have recently placed an ad on a website to find more friends.  I have had two responses and plan on
going to a museum or out for coffee with these two people.   They are small steps but important steps in not isolating one self.  I always encourage survivors to connect with others in safe and empowering ways.  There will be some missteps along the way, I am sure I have made some but you just have to keep trying.  Be good to yourself and try to be a friend to others so they will be friends with you.

It is fine to be sad about the past but happy that you are a Survivor.  Live in the Now.   Keep growing
and healing.

Monday, October 13, 2014

A Post Shared on a Facebook Page with Same Name of this Blog

I would like to request help with promoting a video that raises awareness about sexual abuse. As a victim of sexual abuse victim myself who recently spoke out and tackled many issues through lots of support and counselling, I found myself asking, "How can I reach out to more victims that might not have spoken out about their experience?"
I found that hearing others opening up always inspires others and empowers victims to follow suit so I created a video to raise awareness:
You are not alone. It is not your fault. Just remember, you too are strong. Be proud of yourself, value yourself and when you are ready, speak out!
Dharshana Navendren

Monday, October 6, 2014

A Kind and Healing Response From

Dear Readers,  I have made comments on many websites and articles I read on the internet.
I rarely get any follow up mention or response but the following response from Amy Marschak very much warmed my heart.


I am very sorry to hear that that happened to you.  Many people who are
survivors of sexual abuse feel like orphans, especially if their family
abused them in any way or if their family did not protect them.  If a
family protects the abuser they are not real family.  Real families love
and protect their children.  Siblings brought up in an unhealthy family
can also learn to become or support perpetrators or they can realize
that they want to be kind people and choose kindness and protecting
other children.

I wrote a post with some ideas on how to be your own parent called
"Surviving Mother's Day and the Holidays" at

Also if you have not recently reached out to heal more you can try
calling 1-800-656-HOPE and get connected to your local rape crisis
center.  I write this because even though you had a terrible family of
origin does not mean that you need to feel like an orphan for the rest
of your life.  If you feel supported by the hotline, that is great, if
not hang up and try again later or reach out to other resources.  Keep
reaching out until you feel so supported in your life and so great in
your life that you no longer feel like an orphan.

You might also want to check out they also have
a conference coming up at the end of this month.  No one needs to deal
with sexual abuse alone.

Feel free to write back with any questions, updates or successes, it
helps give hope to other survivors.

Amy Marschak

Thank you Amy for such healing words of advice.  How very kind you are.  
I have this posting to show that reaching out and networking really do pay off.  You need to be connected with others and reach out to people such as Amy Marschak!