From the beginning I was always told by "family" that I was always changing my story [of survival], therefore I was never supported. The "changing" of my story was actually the memories filling in, in a way that I was able to process them and understand them more. I have read and realize it to be true that we only remember the abuse when we are of a mature age to deal with all the past trauma.
I like to watch "The Long Island Medium". I completely believe that there are spiritual souls such as
Theresa Caputo who can speak with the dead for purposes of healing and knowing that our loved ones will always be here with us guiding us and supporting us as try to learn the lessons that we ourselves have placed in our own paths. That last sentence is in reference to my being a Gnostic Christian and our belief that God is perfect and that we and not God choose what we feel we need to learn and grow from. Many times on "The Long Island Medium" they of course speak of loss of loved ones and the devastation that it brings. I use this analogy because we as survivors have a great deal of loss even when we still live with the people in our "family". Quite literally, I believe the more members in your family the more loss you deal with.
I have two sisters and a brother. None of them will communicate with me. My mother will not answer
any letters I have written. My father/my pedophile did not answer my letter outlining all of the violations I endured from him. I was not surprised by that. Since I saw that my father/pedophile was in complete control I did not bond with any of my siblings or my mother. There is loss. I perseverated
all my infancy and childhood about what I was experiences and so I did not bond with school friends. There is more loss. I did manage to make some long term friends when in high school but that was because I was getting out from under the controlling thumb that my father imposed. I joined clubs and spend less and less time with people that I did not bond with. AKA blood relations. I have about 30 first cousins on each side of my family. I am not in my home town and I do not know the extent of lies my father has told to cover up his actions of molestation. I also do not know how many times these lies have been repeated. How many people have been hurt by the ripples?
I know many people who speak of lifelong friends and for a time I was envious. Over the years I have learned to be very happy for those people and less upset as I believe I have chosen this path to better understand more fully the ripples of devastation to those who experience incest and child sexual abuse. I also take into consideration the layers of ripples to people such as my mother. She has had her heart broken and I am the target to the cause of that broken heart. I know that she will know one day that I am not the bad person. This realization will only bring more pain as she reviews her life and asks, "But what does that make of my marriage?" Should a person pretend that life is all….Sunshine, lollipops and Unicorns to save the hurt that ones mother feels? Does this not give the green light for more molestations to continue in future generations?
I knew someone who lived with HIV/AIDS for 20 years. He and I did public speaking together for 15 of those years about social justice and I often spoke of the issues of child sexual abuse. One of the talks he gave that I was not able to attend was at a large theatre warehouse space. He was in front of a crowd of almost 400 people and he told me that it hit him like waves of despair of the number of friends he had lost. It was over 350 friends he had lost. He had to step back and take a few deep breaths before he continued the talk. I held him and we both cried. I helped him along the way and he helped me find a therapist that fit with my needs. It wasn't until now that I am realizing that there was a definite connection to the same kind of magnitude of loss. Because he had more of an emotional connection I feel that his feeling of loss hit him harder as I have asked this question many times; "Have you ever had a villa in the south of France?" Most will answer no. If you had a villa in the south of France (or anywhere for that matter) and you lost that villa in one fell swoop that would be very devastating. I realize that that is just a thing and not a human connection but you see I will never really understand that because I have never really had a strong bond with anyone in my family so I really don't know the complete loss and I never had those emotional bond. I can only feel sad that I never had that bond and try to build relationships now. I have had to hone my skills in social etiquette without having had the foundation that one usually relies upon in a healthy setting of infancy and youth.
I have recently placed an ad on a website to find more friends. I have had two responses and plan on
going to a museum or out for coffee with these two people. They are small steps but important steps in not isolating one self. I always encourage survivors to connect with others in safe and empowering ways. There will be some missteps along the way, I am sure I have made some but you just have to keep trying. Be good to yourself and try to be a friend to others so they will be friends with you.
It is fine to be sad about the past but happy that you are a Survivor. Live in the Now. Keep growing