A Conversation With a Friend about Life, Keep The Faith

I was speaking with a friend of 23 years about life and what we have and have not accomplished.
This friend has been feeling that they have not accomplished all that they set out to.  My friend told
me about a similar conversation with another friend who stated that sometimes you can not accomplish
much until you clear the table.  Clearing the table referred to wiping away all the misinformation that
we have been wrongfully taught.  Some people just have more to clear away.

I agree with this assessment completely.  I also want to ad to this that some people such as myself have
to also put all the pieces together from our shattered childhoods.

It is spoken of a great deal in the Gnostic Tradition that we don't have to accomplish great things, we just need to keep moving forward.  We are in fact doing some pretty amazing things just for living in
and surviving such a negative place as the school we call Earth.

Clear away your table in your space and time and Keep the Faith.  Put your puzzle together in your own space and time.  And Keep The Faith.

The Selfish Act of Choosing as Much as I Have

As a Gnostic Christian I believe I have chosen all that I have and am experiencing.  That being said I have been thinking how selfish I have been with all I chose.   Let me explain.  I believe I chose a great deal because I have memories of  the other side and my observing this planet I believe there are a great many aspects of humanity that move at a  s n a l e s  p a c e.   I chose a great deal.  There were many souls on the other side who tried to talk me out of taking on so much in this incarnation but I forged ahead.  Because of this there were some aspects of this life that were made more difficult.  Some of the details of my life will not be made public at this time as some aspects are really too shocking and need to be done with the utmost care and professional supervision.

One thing I did not take into complete consideration is how emotionally this would effect others.

I was given permission from my father/molester to speak about his abuses when he told me to "speak up" and "have some self respect" during a period of my life where because of the sexual molestation I could not speak in more than a whisper.  In turn he has played the hurt parent "for no apparent reason" who cried for weeks and I am blamed for all his pain.  I also am blamed for breaking my mothers heart.

That is of course a very hurtful thing to live with.  I always think of the saying, "To live is to learn, to die is to know".   I believe it is an Eastern Asian Philosophy.  I Love the Message and believe it.   At this point I do not believe it will be possible to speak with my parents.  There is too much of my life I would be forced to deny and I can not pretend I had any semblance of a relationship with my parents or my siblings.  I do have and will continue to have some relationship with my cousins and Aunts and Uncles.  I have sent out dozens of letters and emails to many relatives on the paternal side of my relation and I have received three responses.  A cousin on my mothers side wrote and told me how proud she was of me.  An uncle, my mothers brother wrote and said "I hope this is healing for you."
An aunt, my fathers sister, a former Catholic Nun, wrote and ignored the entire letter writing of only.........Sunshine, lollypops and Rainbows Everywhere..........!

I am always reminded of the unwritten motto of the Catholics.....

Deny Everything, Admit Nothing!


Getting back to the original message........I am mostly sad about how deeply my mother has been hurt.
I know what it is to experience a broken heart as it happened to me when I was 17 years old....or there about...........I was in my parents kitchen with my mother and the lower left part of my heart felt as if it were shifting....the the left..........it locked into place and there was a sharp jolt of pain.  I had experienced a broken heart.  I was not around when my mother experienced her broken heart, I only know that it was attributed to me.  I had heart pains my whole life and it was attributed to a mental impairment.  My mother has heart pains and I am the fault.  "Oh for pity sake" is what I heard"  as a young child when I had survived a near death experience after gang rape.  I know if/when they know the truth  they would/ will be mortified.

I have told a version of the following related story.....my apologies for those who have seen this before.

I have a friend who became pregnant in her junior year in high school.  Being Catholic, she did not believe in abortion.  She gave the child up for adoption.  She did write a long letter to the infant who would get the letter when he was 18 years old.  With that letter would be a way to connect with his berth mother, my friend.  When that time came she was hurt as he decided to not respond.

How horrible it was for my mother to experience a broken heart.  I think back and so many times she was the only one who really stood by me during it all.   How horrible it was for me to have a broken heart as a young teenager as I rarely felt love while living with the people who were trying to give you love.  All accept my father who is a Gemini and always lived a double life.

To live is to learn, to die is to know.

I do feel sad that my mother has been hurt but in a spiritual sense I believe that my father will some day be accountable for is actions.   If not on this plain, on the other side.

If I do not reconnect with my mother before her passing, I pray it is a peaceful crossing over.

A Staged Traumatic Event/ A Teacher Gets Fired

My parents really did try to help me during my really difficult years.  It is not a typo to state that my father tried as well.  With my father being a Gemini and leading a double life it somehow turned out to be fairly easy for him, as he continues to do so to this day.   Playing the browbeaten underdog rejected and disrespected doesn't endure him to me but I can see the choices he made.

Someone figured it had to be a traumatic experience that led me to be so introverted and withdrawn.
I would barely speak above a whisper and had to be told many times to speak up!   There was a staged kidnapping of a neighborhood girl at the bottom of the hill where I grew up.  A large menacing man was putting this "poor; helpless; defensive girl" into a canvas gunny sack.   It was my duty and obligation to rescue her whereby being shocked that I could do such a thing and finally realizing my self worth.  It did work in part but the depths of my survival did not match the depth of the "staged trauma" to bring me totally back to where I was supposed to be if I had not experienced the nearly decade of child sexual molestation at the hands of my own father.

There is also the incident of a male teacher actually being fired because of me.  I am not quite sure if it was a 3rd or 4th grade teacher but he was very attractive.  I wanted to have sexual interaction with him so I purposely soiled my pants.  I figured he would naturally be open to the situation as I had been involved in sex with many people to date and my own father placed me in the hands of a man who made me the "party favor" for at least a dozen men.  The Teacher helped me clean myself up and did not touch me in any way.   There was never any touching in any manor that could ever be thought of as inappropriate in any way.  My mother noticed I did not have under ware when I got home and there was an investigation as to why I did not have my under ware on.    There was a short meeting with my parents the male teacher in question and a representative from the school.  I think it was the principal.  The memory of that is not entirely clear.  In any event the male teacher was fired.  I clearly remember the teachers response, "It's just not fair!"  I have tried in the past and I will continue to try to track you down and apologize that you were a part of the ripple effect of my survival of child sexual abuse.

A few years later I was hanging out near the entrance to the grade school cafeteria.  The young girl who I "rescued" was there and I in a younger than my age spoke of my valiant ways to rescue the young girl.  She played along and validated my words.  I apologize to you young woman.

Life isn't fair, or is it?!?  Being a Gnostic Christian and remembering my choices before I came to this earthly plane kind of says I knew what I was up against, but it doesn't really make it easier.  I looked at my own chart at 3.5 years old and so I sealed my own fate.  I only pray I can unravel all the twists and turns in the puzzle I put before myself to achieve the level of spirituality I am striving for!   In the path we must always thank the powers that be for the blessing that each and everyone of us receive.  Being a Gnostic Christian, I Thank the Mother and Father God.