I have been thinking how my father and I were at cross roads all our lives.
I am understanding and believing a fundamental statement about child sexual abuse, and that is...
Child sexual abuse is not about sex but more about Control. My birth father is the most controlling person I have ever met.
I was thinking how the rug was pulled out from under me at 3 separate occasions. I lived in three different houses in my early life. An upstairs apartment of a duplex. The downstairs apartment of a duplex and a 3 bedroom house with full basement. I felt safe in each house when I was first brought to it but when the molestation began I would once again feel unsafe and I just never developed very strong relations with my siblings or my mother.
Each time my father got a better job or a raise or better hours or over time he began to save and we moved to a bigger nicer place. Each was a promotion and there were celebrations. Each place was safe for a short time and then he was having me orally serve him. I was completely disrespectful of my father over and over as these celebrations were happening. That's what it looked like to the public. I was the bad guy. They could not see the violations of my mouth. It was very traumatic throughout my childhood and often times my entire upper lip would break out with cold sores. I of course could never remember the abuses as I was sometimes asleep and sometimes I would just burry the experience as I could not deal with it all. I just did not understand. These were not what a child could understand.
I recently came upon a gift I got from my father. It was on a camping trip. My father and a close friend of his and I and another young person went to a genealogy store and we each got a special gift. This was on a scouting trip. I was really dazed the day we went into this store and I barely remember anything other than the bare details of the outline of the weekend.
This is part of my shattered story that I do not believe I will be able to ever remember, unless I go to a hypnotist. There are some very wise people, therapists mostly, who have said that you only remember
the abuses when you are able to deal with what happened. You may need to have counseling with a therapist who fits for you. They help put things into perspective and will hopefully help you "weed your garden" and put the pieces back together.
In many things there may be "triggers" in life that will affect an incest or sexual abuse survivor. For me the initial trigger was an aggressive stance from a former room mate. For some reason I have crossed paths with people who want to control me in order to be in my life. Am I searching these types out?
I was going to buy a tv/vcr set from a former roommate and I chose not to buy it as I could not afford it.
This former room mate stood on a futon bed to get height on me in a very intimidating way and proceeded to start pushing me around and raising their voice. I began having flashes of the abuse as I could feel heightened emotions from the intimidation from this former room mate. I must have been feeling this as an infant. I was 27 when these strong flashbacks and emotions surfaced.
I am understanding and believing a fundamental statement about child sexual abuse, and that is...
Child sexual abuse is not about sex but more about Control. My birth father is the most controlling person I have ever met.
I was thinking how the rug was pulled out from under me at 3 separate occasions. I lived in three different houses in my early life. An upstairs apartment of a duplex. The downstairs apartment of a duplex and a 3 bedroom house with full basement. I felt safe in each house when I was first brought to it but when the molestation began I would once again feel unsafe and I just never developed very strong relations with my siblings or my mother.
Each time my father got a better job or a raise or better hours or over time he began to save and we moved to a bigger nicer place. Each was a promotion and there were celebrations. Each place was safe for a short time and then he was having me orally serve him. I was completely disrespectful of my father over and over as these celebrations were happening. That's what it looked like to the public. I was the bad guy. They could not see the violations of my mouth. It was very traumatic throughout my childhood and often times my entire upper lip would break out with cold sores. I of course could never remember the abuses as I was sometimes asleep and sometimes I would just burry the experience as I could not deal with it all. I just did not understand. These were not what a child could understand.
I recently came upon a gift I got from my father. It was on a camping trip. My father and a close friend of his and I and another young person went to a genealogy store and we each got a special gift. This was on a scouting trip. I was really dazed the day we went into this store and I barely remember anything other than the bare details of the outline of the weekend.
This is part of my shattered story that I do not believe I will be able to ever remember, unless I go to a hypnotist. There are some very wise people, therapists mostly, who have said that you only remember
the abuses when you are able to deal with what happened. You may need to have counseling with a therapist who fits for you. They help put things into perspective and will hopefully help you "weed your garden" and put the pieces back together.
In many things there may be "triggers" in life that will affect an incest or sexual abuse survivor. For me the initial trigger was an aggressive stance from a former room mate. For some reason I have crossed paths with people who want to control me in order to be in my life. Am I searching these types out?
I was going to buy a tv/vcr set from a former roommate and I chose not to buy it as I could not afford it.
This former room mate stood on a futon bed to get height on me in a very intimidating way and proceeded to start pushing me around and raising their voice. I began having flashes of the abuse as I could feel heightened emotions from the intimidation from this former room mate. I must have been feeling this as an infant. I was 27 when these strong flashbacks and emotions surfaced.
No comments:
Post a Comment