Monday, May 27, 2013

The Selfish Act of Choosing as Much as I Have

As a Gnostic Christian I believe I have chosen all that I have and am experiencing.  That being said I have been thinking how selfish I have been with all I chose.   Let me explain.  I believe I chose a great deal because I have memories of  the other side and my observing this planet I believe there are a great many aspects of humanity that move at a  s n a l e s  p a c e.   I chose a great deal.  There were many souls on the other side who tried to talk me out of taking on so much in this incarnation but I forged ahead.  Because of this there were some aspects of this life that were made more difficult.  Some of the details of my life will not be made public at this time as some aspects are really too shocking and need to be done with the utmost care and professional supervision.

One thing I did not take into complete consideration is how emotionally this would effect others.

I was given permission from my father/molester to speak about his abuses when he told me to "speak up" and "have some self respect" during a period of my life where because of the sexual molestation I could not speak in more than a whisper.  In turn he has played the hurt parent "for no apparent reason" who cried for weeks and I am blamed for all his pain.  I also am blamed for breaking my mothers heart.

That is of course a very hurtful thing to live with.  I always think of the saying, "To live is to learn, to die is to know".   I believe it is an Eastern Asian Philosophy.  I Love the Message and believe it.   At this point I do not believe it will be possible to speak with my parents.  There is too much of my life I would be forced to deny and I can not pretend I had any semblance of a relationship with my parents or my siblings.  I do have and will continue to have some relationship with my cousins and Aunts and Uncles.  I have sent out dozens of letters and emails to many relatives on the paternal side of my relation and I have received three responses.  A cousin on my mothers side wrote and told me how proud she was of me.  An uncle, my mothers brother wrote and said "I hope this is healing for you."
An aunt, my fathers sister, a former Catholic Nun, wrote and ignored the entire letter writing of only.........Sunshine, lollypops and Rainbows Everywhere..........!

I am always reminded of the unwritten motto of the Catholics.....

Deny Everything, Admit Nothing!

Getting back to the original message........I am mostly sad about how deeply my mother has been hurt.
I know what it is to experience a broken heart as it happened to me when I was 17 years old....or there about...........I was in my parents kitchen with my mother and the lower left part of my heart felt as if it were shifting....the the locked into place and there was a sharp jolt of pain.  I had experienced a broken heart.  I was not around when my mother experienced her broken heart, I only know that it was attributed to me.  I had heart pains my whole life and it was attributed to a mental impairment.  My mother has heart pains and I am the fault.  "Oh for pity sake" is what I heard"  as a young child when I had survived a near death experience after gang rape.  I know if/when they know the truth  they would/ will be mortified.

I have told a version of the following related apologies for those who have seen this before.

I have a friend who became pregnant in her junior year in high school.  Being Catholic, she did not believe in abortion.  She gave the child up for adoption.  She did write a long letter to the infant who would get the letter when he was 18 years old.  With that letter would be a way to connect with his berth mother, my friend.  When that time came she was hurt as he decided to not respond.

How horrible it was for my mother to experience a broken heart.  I think back and so many times she was the only one who really stood by me during it all.   How horrible it was for me to have a broken heart as a young teenager as I rarely felt love while living with the people who were trying to give you love.  All accept my father who is a Gemini and always lived a double life.

To live is to learn, to die is to know.

I do feel sad that my mother has been hurt but in a spiritual sense I believe that my father will some day be accountable for is actions.   If not on this plain, on the other side.

If I do not reconnect with my mother before her passing, I pray it is a peaceful crossing over.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

She is not going to pass on if she stays like this. She has refused eternal life by insisting on having her way instead of God's way, choosing her broken heart over yours. That is a simple fact. I do not say it with hatred. I just say it because it's the truth.