Over the years there have been many groups of people looking to have respect and basic recognition that they feel they are entitled to. From my stand point the first that comes to mind is the GLBT community. [Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender) That is to say the sexual minorities. One group that likes to claim they are part of the sexual minority are the men of NAMBLA. (North American Man Boy Love Association) What they somehow don't seem to understand is that a child CAN NOT be ready for the sexual acts with an adult man. Maybe the man is more a child intellectually, and that is why they are drawn to having a "loving" [they claim] relationship with someone much younger than themselves.
There has been a great deal of debate about nature vs nurture on a great deal of subjects. In comparing the GLBT stance of attraction to those they are attracted to, I have often heard that they (the GLB or T) feel they have ALWAYS had those feelings. I have never heard of a pedophile that they have ALWAYS been attracted to infants or young children in a sexual way.
I know an "odd couple". I do not mean offense when I call them this. One person in an older obese white man in his late 50's. His partner is a young attractive in shape GQ looking black man about 15 years younger. They are both in good standing professions and both own their own home. It was the GQ looking black man who was the pursuer of the relationship. I did not find out until a few years of knowing this couple that the black man had been molested as a young boy. The young black boy was molested by an obese white male. I have every belief that the younger black man was initially attracted to the obese man because his initial sexual stimulation and even pleasure derived from an obese older man who molested him.
I have stated this belief in the past about the "not disturbing the nest" theory but I believe it stands to be repeated. *
There are so many people that come up with big elaborate words and theories about the way things work but I do not see anyone coming up with an explanation of how things really work and backing that theory up with anything very concrete.
When talking about GLBT persons many told about a doting mother who turned someone gay etc. Some claim that it was the sexual abuse itself that "turned" someone gay.
I believe that the sexuality you have is what you were born with. If a person is sexually abused, that will as a great deal of trouble when the person comes of age and begins to or tries to have a relationship with someone instead of just having a long string of different sexual partners. In my eyes I feel that when someone is GLBT it is just part of the balance of nature. There are many who condemn GLBT persons and say it is against GOD. There are a great many who persecute, torture and kill GLBT persons in the name of GOD. There are many countries who forbid anyone other than STRAIGHT persons. I feel that when we try to control nature that we are in for a rude awakening. You can not control nature. There is a great deal of over population as a result of this. Some want to compare that serial killers are also a part of nature, but you can not compare the act of two people loving each other to the act of a person wanting to kill over and over again.
* I was always told that I should not disturb a nest of an animal or touch a baby wild animal as you will leave your scent on the animal and it will be rejected. I believe the same can happen in ones own house, from an outside source or from ones own "father". A child NATURALLY acts differently when they have been molested! It is most often brushed aside with the excuse the child has something wrong with THEM.
I have recenty repeated another belief in that we should all remember something from each year of our lives. I would like to speak to a group of pedophiles and ask each one through a questionaire about their lives and find out what they remember from when they were 1,2,3,4 etc. years old. I would like to trace back the circumstanses that led them to be attracted to young children as I do not believe they could have always been attracted to infants and young children in a sexual way.
I have not seen any in depth study to elaborate on this part of the nature/nurture debate but I am going to begin some research and send a few emails to a few experts that I have come in contact with during the course of my writing this blog.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
If I Were Oprah Winfrey
We can't reinvent the wheel, but we can think and act upon "the next step".
When the first person invented the wheel, what did they do with it? Did it just lay around for years or did they find a way to utilize it to make a wheel barrow? Did they roll it down a hill just for fun? Did they put a log in between two wheels to make some kind of cart and move large stones or other building materials? How long did it take for them to find uses for that wheel? How long did it take for them to take "the next step"?
The next step is very important.
I was watching The Oprah Winfrey show about the 100 men who braved coming forward to proclaim that they had been molested. There were men of all ages and races and background's. I was sitting there thinking this is all wonderful and everything but I was also angry that seemingly no one was taking the "next step" or "steps". There was no in depth searching for how friends or family were reacting to this. There were no discussions as to what the partners role in all of this was. There was no talk of how many people supported them or how many people left them in the dust or tossed them "under the bus" when they first came forward. No one took the next step.
If I were Oprah Winfrey I would start with questions on what happened with their family and friends when they first came forward about the abuse. As for the men who DID come forward I would like to know when they first realized that they had been molested and when did they "come out" to their family or friends about it. Did they come forward to their loved ones right away or was it closer to the time they appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show? What was the fall out, if any, afterwards. From personal experience if a young person around mid to late twenties comes forward many times the young person is not believed and is told point blank that they will not be supported and further they will be cut off from their family. This happened to me and to a few others who tried to get support from their families shortly after the horrendous memories came to them. If you just sit on your memories and reveal them when you are in your mid 40's or later are you more to be believed then? If you establish a family or career before you reveal yourself to be survivor of sexual inappropriateness are you more a candidate to be more credible? Are people still prone to believe that you have some of those "false memories"? Who invented and vocalized the term "false memories" anyway?!? Could it have been a pedophile who was well established and in the field of psychology?
I like to look at child sexual abuse solutions in the same way mathematicians look at problems. I believe that if you find the common denominator you are on the right track to finding the real root of the problem and in that you can begin to really address the issue at the root. I have not seen this approach done by anyone and it is high time that this method is at least tried.
If I were Oprah Winfrey I would push to have talks with younger people. In the junior high level to begin with. I would speak about and ask questions as to the attractions that younger people were having. I would try to get to the people who may have sexual attractions to children. At that point, in a persons junior high school, if they have attractions to children in a sexual way most likely they have acted upon it already. You may be putting an end to a long term pedophile. In speaking with younger people of this age you could also in an age appropriate way speak about nature and explain that a certain percentage of people are gay, bisexual or straight and then their would be some talk if needed about the smaller percentages of people who were transgender or transsexual. I believe that would all be done through a health class.
I believe that every person should have clear memories of each year of their life. Most people are not going to have month to month memories or a vast catalogue they can refer to but I truly believe that we all should be able to sit down and write at least a few sentences about each year of our life. I remember a great deal from my life. I can remember each year of my life and tell you where I was living. I can tell you a little of each of the three houses I lived in in my infancy and early childhood. There was a time, a vast amount of time that I could not remember because much of it was very abusive and those memories were immediately buried as part of self preservation, but when I did have the memories and had to put them all together I was able to remember a great many happy times as well.
If I were Oprah Winfrey I would use the vast amount of power that she has to get to the root of the issues and push to assess what is being done to address child sexual abuse. What procedures are working? Which ones are not doing anything.
If I were Oprah Winfrey I would try to count the uncounted. We all need to count in this world but there is a vast number of people who's childhood sexual abuses were NEVER counted, that is they were never reported to the authorities.
If you think that the authorities are taxed due to the numbers of child sexual abuse cases reported, can you imagine what would happen if ALL of the incidents were reported? I have no doubt they would literally crumble.
The pedophiles out there are a huge number of people. They have such organization that they are difficult to find to trace and to stop. The people fighting for the rights and basic needs of children free from sexual abuse really have to step up to the plate and be more integrated more organized and more diligent than the pedophiles.
If I were Oprah Winfrey I would have a website devoted to all the organizations fighting for the rights of children. It would be a vast database for all the people in the organizations to brainstorm about new and innovative approaches to getting to the root of the issue. It is all about "taking the next step". They would all be connected to the local authorities and the FBI to see what persons in their community were sex offenders. They could see if a person was not registering as they should. The website to begin with would only be available to the organizations registered but I think it important to have some connections with the community with an open forum.
If I was Oprah Winfrey I would seek to have more of the security systems interconnected. Are there not ways to "spot" convicted sex offenders with the use of computer technology if they are spotted on a surveillance monitor?
There are so many more steps I would take if I were Oprah Winfrey and these are just a few of the "next steps" I would take. But I am not Oprah Winfrey and mabye it is not fair for me to use such a public figure to get my points accross but I am doing it anyway in hopes that maybe it will be a little more empowering to use her name to try to give some empowerment to the vast number of little children who were molested in the time it took for me to write this part of my blog. My appologies to Miss Oprah Winfrey if she is offended.
When the first person invented the wheel, what did they do with it? Did it just lay around for years or did they find a way to utilize it to make a wheel barrow? Did they roll it down a hill just for fun? Did they put a log in between two wheels to make some kind of cart and move large stones or other building materials? How long did it take for them to find uses for that wheel? How long did it take for them to take "the next step"?
The next step is very important.
I was watching The Oprah Winfrey show about the 100 men who braved coming forward to proclaim that they had been molested. There were men of all ages and races and background's. I was sitting there thinking this is all wonderful and everything but I was also angry that seemingly no one was taking the "next step" or "steps". There was no in depth searching for how friends or family were reacting to this. There were no discussions as to what the partners role in all of this was. There was no talk of how many people supported them or how many people left them in the dust or tossed them "under the bus" when they first came forward. No one took the next step.
If I were Oprah Winfrey I would start with questions on what happened with their family and friends when they first came forward about the abuse. As for the men who DID come forward I would like to know when they first realized that they had been molested and when did they "come out" to their family or friends about it. Did they come forward to their loved ones right away or was it closer to the time they appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show? What was the fall out, if any, afterwards. From personal experience if a young person around mid to late twenties comes forward many times the young person is not believed and is told point blank that they will not be supported and further they will be cut off from their family. This happened to me and to a few others who tried to get support from their families shortly after the horrendous memories came to them. If you just sit on your memories and reveal them when you are in your mid 40's or later are you more to be believed then? If you establish a family or career before you reveal yourself to be survivor of sexual inappropriateness are you more a candidate to be more credible? Are people still prone to believe that you have some of those "false memories"? Who invented and vocalized the term "false memories" anyway?!? Could it have been a pedophile who was well established and in the field of psychology?
I like to look at child sexual abuse solutions in the same way mathematicians look at problems. I believe that if you find the common denominator you are on the right track to finding the real root of the problem and in that you can begin to really address the issue at the root. I have not seen this approach done by anyone and it is high time that this method is at least tried.
If I were Oprah Winfrey I would push to have talks with younger people. In the junior high level to begin with. I would speak about and ask questions as to the attractions that younger people were having. I would try to get to the people who may have sexual attractions to children. At that point, in a persons junior high school, if they have attractions to children in a sexual way most likely they have acted upon it already. You may be putting an end to a long term pedophile. In speaking with younger people of this age you could also in an age appropriate way speak about nature and explain that a certain percentage of people are gay, bisexual or straight and then their would be some talk if needed about the smaller percentages of people who were transgender or transsexual. I believe that would all be done through a health class.
I believe that every person should have clear memories of each year of their life. Most people are not going to have month to month memories or a vast catalogue they can refer to but I truly believe that we all should be able to sit down and write at least a few sentences about each year of our life. I remember a great deal from my life. I can remember each year of my life and tell you where I was living. I can tell you a little of each of the three houses I lived in in my infancy and early childhood. There was a time, a vast amount of time that I could not remember because much of it was very abusive and those memories were immediately buried as part of self preservation, but when I did have the memories and had to put them all together I was able to remember a great many happy times as well.
If I were Oprah Winfrey I would use the vast amount of power that she has to get to the root of the issues and push to assess what is being done to address child sexual abuse. What procedures are working? Which ones are not doing anything.
If I were Oprah Winfrey I would try to count the uncounted. We all need to count in this world but there is a vast number of people who's childhood sexual abuses were NEVER counted, that is they were never reported to the authorities.
If you think that the authorities are taxed due to the numbers of child sexual abuse cases reported, can you imagine what would happen if ALL of the incidents were reported? I have no doubt they would literally crumble.
The pedophiles out there are a huge number of people. They have such organization that they are difficult to find to trace and to stop. The people fighting for the rights and basic needs of children free from sexual abuse really have to step up to the plate and be more integrated more organized and more diligent than the pedophiles.
If I were Oprah Winfrey I would have a website devoted to all the organizations fighting for the rights of children. It would be a vast database for all the people in the organizations to brainstorm about new and innovative approaches to getting to the root of the issue. It is all about "taking the next step". They would all be connected to the local authorities and the FBI to see what persons in their community were sex offenders. They could see if a person was not registering as they should. The website to begin with would only be available to the organizations registered but I think it important to have some connections with the community with an open forum.
If I was Oprah Winfrey I would seek to have more of the security systems interconnected. Are there not ways to "spot" convicted sex offenders with the use of computer technology if they are spotted on a surveillance monitor?
There are so many more steps I would take if I were Oprah Winfrey and these are just a few of the "next steps" I would take. But I am not Oprah Winfrey and mabye it is not fair for me to use such a public figure to get my points accross but I am doing it anyway in hopes that maybe it will be a little more empowering to use her name to try to give some empowerment to the vast number of little children who were molested in the time it took for me to write this part of my blog. My appologies to Miss Oprah Winfrey if she is offended.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
What if your partner was attracted to children in a sexual way?
I now have a partner. We have known each other for the better part of 20 years and have dated on and off for many years but we are now exclusive. It is for the most part really wonderful and most of the time effortless. We were laying in bed the other night talking about attractions. He knows of my surviving child sexual abuse and questioned if I had any attractions to children as we both know there is a percentage of people who have been molested who do have attractions to children in a sexual way.
I am lucky and grateful that I do not have that attraction to children. He told me he didn't think he could be part of a couple where one person was attracted to little boys.
I began to think about my parents reaction to my memories of child sexual abuse and how my "father" immediately expressed how "It didn't happen". It is the easiest thing to do.....to toss me under the bus. It is an easy fix to just proclaim that I have some kind of mental impairment, that I have some kind of "false memories". It must have been just some of the stories that I have read over the years and just placed myself in some of those stories to "draw attention to myself".
What must it be like for my mother? It must be very crushing to even think that her life partner, her husband of many years would be capable of such and act. How much work and effort did this woman give to raise a family and be the kind of woman who would stand by her man in any circumstance? What kind of sacrifices did this woman make for me and the rest of her family?
In order to see the big picture we have to step back and see where she is right now. She is sitting next to her husband, my molester, who is driving the bus that he tossed me under. The rest of the bus is filled with my siblings and many other family members who have made the same choice to stand by my parents as they see very clearly what kind of pain they are going through. I have gone out of my way to cause great amounts of pain, is what they see. Anyone with eyes can see that and the anger is focused directly at me. Very easily people want to kill the messenger. Do they know how I came to be where I am? No they do not. They are not going to go back in their memories and see that I was always afraid of my molester. They will not remember the shy withdrawn little boy who barely spoke. They will not remember the deep and dark bouts of depression I endured as the molestation was going on in my infancy and young child hood. All of that is long forgotten and most likely will not be able to be proved. And there you have another huge dilemma.
I told a friend of mine about this blog for the first time recently. It has been over a year that I have been writing this blog.
His first reaction was, "How are you going to prove it?" People do not have to turn themselves in.
I have a questionnaire that I am working on that I want all people like my father to take. In part it asks the question, "Would you do anything to end child sexual abuse?" What steps would you take in order to do that?
We need to asses new and different ways to let people be honest about their attractions before they take any actions toward a child in a sexual way. There needs to be more education BEFORE any acts are taken on a very young person who is not ready for sexual stimulation. If I could have my way.....I want to see a little talk be given in a junior high to state what the statistics are expecially in what ever area of the world they are in.
Statistics state that in this part of the world that 3 out of 10 of you young children were molested. Statistics also state that ( * ) number of you are in turn going to be attracted to children in a sexual way. You must know that that is not acceptible and you must speak to someone about this BEFORE you act upon your attractions because if you do act upon your attractions you are going to ruin that childs life and the ripple effects will go on for years. You are going to be harming many more people than just the little boy or girl you are touching or exposing yourself to.
There needs to be a great deal more and new and innovative ways of aproaching all of this.
I am lucky and grateful that I do not have that attraction to children. He told me he didn't think he could be part of a couple where one person was attracted to little boys.
I began to think about my parents reaction to my memories of child sexual abuse and how my "father" immediately expressed how "It didn't happen". It is the easiest thing to do.....to toss me under the bus. It is an easy fix to just proclaim that I have some kind of mental impairment, that I have some kind of "false memories". It must have been just some of the stories that I have read over the years and just placed myself in some of those stories to "draw attention to myself".
What must it be like for my mother? It must be very crushing to even think that her life partner, her husband of many years would be capable of such and act. How much work and effort did this woman give to raise a family and be the kind of woman who would stand by her man in any circumstance? What kind of sacrifices did this woman make for me and the rest of her family?
In order to see the big picture we have to step back and see where she is right now. She is sitting next to her husband, my molester, who is driving the bus that he tossed me under. The rest of the bus is filled with my siblings and many other family members who have made the same choice to stand by my parents as they see very clearly what kind of pain they are going through. I have gone out of my way to cause great amounts of pain, is what they see. Anyone with eyes can see that and the anger is focused directly at me. Very easily people want to kill the messenger. Do they know how I came to be where I am? No they do not. They are not going to go back in their memories and see that I was always afraid of my molester. They will not remember the shy withdrawn little boy who barely spoke. They will not remember the deep and dark bouts of depression I endured as the molestation was going on in my infancy and young child hood. All of that is long forgotten and most likely will not be able to be proved. And there you have another huge dilemma.
I told a friend of mine about this blog for the first time recently. It has been over a year that I have been writing this blog.
His first reaction was, "How are you going to prove it?" People do not have to turn themselves in.
I have a questionnaire that I am working on that I want all people like my father to take. In part it asks the question, "Would you do anything to end child sexual abuse?" What steps would you take in order to do that?
We need to asses new and different ways to let people be honest about their attractions before they take any actions toward a child in a sexual way. There needs to be more education BEFORE any acts are taken on a very young person who is not ready for sexual stimulation. If I could have my way.....I want to see a little talk be given in a junior high to state what the statistics are expecially in what ever area of the world they are in.
Statistics state that in this part of the world that 3 out of 10 of you young children were molested. Statistics also state that ( * ) number of you are in turn going to be attracted to children in a sexual way. You must know that that is not acceptible and you must speak to someone about this BEFORE you act upon your attractions because if you do act upon your attractions you are going to ruin that childs life and the ripple effects will go on for years. You are going to be harming many more people than just the little boy or girl you are touching or exposing yourself to.
There needs to be a great deal more and new and innovative ways of aproaching all of this.
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