When I try something, I really try something. That is to say I go about it from all angles and try many things before I must move on. Case in point. I was raised Catholic but am not any more. I did not think the Catholic Church was for me. I joined the choir, I played guitar in church, I volunteered in many things and it did not seem that it was for me. I then thought it was maybe "this" Catholic Church.
(My parents Catholic Church). I decided I would join another Catholic Church. Here is the old saying
"I walked 3 miles across town" to get to this church and after going to mass a few times, I joined the Liturgy Committee. I found out that from every angle I looked and got involved it was still not right for me. I have to state on so many levels the Catholic's left me long before I left them.
That being said, over the years I have searched my memories about my "family". If my father had not molested me in the house and so many times over so many years I would have some kind of relationship with my three siblings. I remember my being moody all the time, and who would want to spend any time with someone dealing with all the trauma of incest and rape and a near death experience by the time they were 4 years old! The ripples of what crashed into my life are powerful.
I sometimes feel sad about not having family in my life but I have been investigating the stages a person goes through when they are an "actual" orphan and their parents do physically die. Many years ago I visited a Native American Orphanage. My aunt was the principal and held the Masses there as well.
I was told about what orphans were and that this was a safe place for them when there mothers and fathers die. I was pretty young and casually asked one of the little kids where there mother and father were. It hit me when this little child told me that they were dead. I ran and hid and cried. When an adult found me they nurtured me and consoled me. In a way I believe I felt just like the orphans accept it my be more difficult as with me or others experiencing constant trauma. You are surrounded by many who feel love for you, who express love for you and you don't feel anything for them as the father of the house has taken that away from you. The pedophile who continues to look like the good guy, who provides food shelter housing and goes out of his way to feel hurt by my crazy actions [that he set in motion].
There are many kinds of orphans. I have chosen to not get upset about my "family" for being passive aggressive. I did not bond with them and I doubt that we can all just sit down and catch up on 25 years of not communicating. I also know that sometimes it takes a great deal of time and effort when a person goes through the process of healing from incest and child sexual abuse. It has taken me this long to finally reach a place where I can say I have reached personhood. Now to move on.
Keep Moving Forward
(My parents Catholic Church). I decided I would join another Catholic Church. Here is the old saying
"I walked 3 miles across town" to get to this church and after going to mass a few times, I joined the Liturgy Committee. I found out that from every angle I looked and got involved it was still not right for me. I have to state on so many levels the Catholic's left me long before I left them.
That being said, over the years I have searched my memories about my "family". If my father had not molested me in the house and so many times over so many years I would have some kind of relationship with my three siblings. I remember my being moody all the time, and who would want to spend any time with someone dealing with all the trauma of incest and rape and a near death experience by the time they were 4 years old! The ripples of what crashed into my life are powerful.
I sometimes feel sad about not having family in my life but I have been investigating the stages a person goes through when they are an "actual" orphan and their parents do physically die. Many years ago I visited a Native American Orphanage. My aunt was the principal and held the Masses there as well.
I was told about what orphans were and that this was a safe place for them when there mothers and fathers die. I was pretty young and casually asked one of the little kids where there mother and father were. It hit me when this little child told me that they were dead. I ran and hid and cried. When an adult found me they nurtured me and consoled me. In a way I believe I felt just like the orphans accept it my be more difficult as with me or others experiencing constant trauma. You are surrounded by many who feel love for you, who express love for you and you don't feel anything for them as the father of the house has taken that away from you. The pedophile who continues to look like the good guy, who provides food shelter housing and goes out of his way to feel hurt by my crazy actions [that he set in motion].
There are many kinds of orphans. I have chosen to not get upset about my "family" for being passive aggressive. I did not bond with them and I doubt that we can all just sit down and catch up on 25 years of not communicating. I also know that sometimes it takes a great deal of time and effort when a person goes through the process of healing from incest and child sexual abuse. It has taken me this long to finally reach a place where I can say I have reached personhood. Now to move on.
Keep Moving Forward
