Try Many Times and Many Ways For Many Things But Know When To Move On

When I try something, I really try something.  That is to say I go about it from all angles and try many things before I must move on.  Case in point.  I was raised Catholic but am not any more.  I did not think the Catholic Church was for me.  I joined the choir, I played guitar in church, I volunteered in many things and it did not seem that it was for me.  I then thought it was maybe "this" Catholic Church.
(My parents Catholic Church).  I decided I would join another Catholic Church.   Here is the old saying
"I walked 3 miles across town" to get to this church and after going to mass a few times, I joined the Liturgy Committee.  I found out that from every angle I looked and got involved it was still not right for me.  I have to state on so many levels the Catholic's left me long before I left them.

That being said, over the years I have searched my memories about my "family".  If my father had not molested me in the house and so many times over so many years I would have some kind of relationship with my three siblings.  I remember my being moody all the time, and who would want to spend any time with someone dealing with all the trauma of incest and rape and a near death experience by the time they were 4 years old!  The ripples of what crashed into my life are powerful.

I sometimes feel sad about not having family in my life but I have been investigating the stages a person goes through when they are an "actual" orphan and their parents do physically die.   Many years ago I visited a Native American Orphanage.  My aunt was the principal and held the Masses there as well.
I was told about what orphans were and that this was a safe place for them when there mothers and fathers die.  I was pretty young and casually asked one of the little kids where there mother and father were.  It hit me when this little child told me that they were dead.  I ran and hid and cried.  When an adult found me they nurtured me and consoled me.   In a way I believe I felt just like the orphans accept it my be more difficult as with me or others experiencing constant trauma.  You are surrounded by many who feel love for you, who express love for you and you don't feel anything for them as the father of the house has taken that away from you.   The pedophile who continues to look like the good guy, who provides food shelter housing and goes out of his way to feel hurt by my crazy actions [that he set in motion].        


There are many kinds of orphans.  I have chosen to not get upset about my "family" for being passive aggressive.  I did not bond with them and I doubt that we can all just sit down and catch up on 25 years of not communicating.  I also know that sometimes it takes a great deal of time and effort when a person goes through the process of healing from incest and child sexual abuse.  It has taken me this long to finally reach a place where I can say I have reached personhood.   Now to move on.

Keep Moving Forward

Every Person Needs To Belong To A Community

Recently I did a search of the word "community" to investigate how many different places a person could reach out to be a part of a group.  A part of a like-minded group to share and grow and help each other.  There are literally thousands of communities out there.  Of course there are the neighborhood communities, sports communities, theatre communities, reading club communities, scrap booking communities etc.  The list is endless and continues to change and evolve.  Some fall away as likes and trends change and there are lifelong communities as well.  Family can be a wonderful community, as are some of your lifelong friends who you see after many years and speak with each other as easily as you ever did.

I did the search about the word "community" because I believe that everyone should be a part of Some Kind Of Community.   Over the years there have been some people who have been rather shocked and saddened when they find that I have from an early age lived my life in a very solitary way.    Of course it was lonely at the beginning as the sexual abuse began when I was an infant.   I became comfortable with myself and spent most of my young life by myself.  I drew and painted and created many different crafts.  I remember most of the time when I was young the other children had to actually coax me into joining a game.  It happened dozens of times.  I believe that there were some times when they just finally gave up and were tired of doing this crazy act for this crazy person.  I do not blame them.

As it is now, I have somewhat been more on my own.  I feel right now I am part of a "Community of Survivors."  I socialize with friends from work sometimes and go out for a few cocktails and happy hour foods.  I go to an occasional  movie sometimes with a friend, sometimes by myself.  I find myself going to the 3D animated movies by myself as I don't know anyone my age who needs to be more of a child since I didn't have one.  But that's OK.  I now get to be a child.  Better late than never.

I hope you can sit back  and take a look at where you are in life.  To be part of a Community is Paramount and Not just for a Sexual Abuse Survivor.    We ALL need social interaction.   Part of the problem is that we don't all get training in social interaction or in a case like me there were bumps in the  road.  We All have bumps in the road.  There are always bumps if there is a history of drug use, or alcohol abuse or sex abuse.  The social graces fall to the wayside when you are engulfed in one or more of these issues.

Please be good to yourself and reach out to a like minded group to join and be a part of.  Search out a Community in your area  or on a Safe Community Online.  Be involved as you are comfortable with.        Maybe try once a week and grow from there.  Treat the people you meet with respect and find out about them and where they are in life.  When did they join the group?  What are there other interests?  Ask about some of the history of events that have happened in the past.  Grow as a person and help grow the Community that you Join!

Every Person Needs To Belong To A Community