HGTV Analogy

I watch a great deal of HGTV.  The Property Brothers and Income Property are two of the favorites.

When these brothers find and restore a house to make it a Home they have to investigate the foundation, check the plumbing, the electrical works, Take Down Walls…….The list is sometimes a complete Gut Job.

When someone is finding out who they really are during the healing process after the realization and the acceptance of incest and child sexual abuse they have to do much the same thing.   A person has to find out about their foundation, their physical and mental health…how they are wired, they have to Take Down Walls…..

Many years ago I was renting a basement one bedroom apartment.  It was in an old building with great woodwork tall ceilings and a nice galley kitchen.   The bathroom floor was rotting away and the tiles were coming up.  I asked the building engineer to take a look at it and please do something about it.
He took a look and said, "I'll take up the loose tiles and put a rug down.  I protested and explained the rotting floor is still going to be there and needed to be addressed.  He brought in some people who took the floor away down to the dirt and some very large square beams the building was built on.  He replaced all the wood and it had a safe foundation and was dry once again.

The point is; you can't just gloss over a problem.  You have to address it head on.  I am doing the right thing by moving on from people who just want to gloss over and pretend nothing happened.

It's almost as if the building could be "The Family" and we are all interconnected and if you rip away parts of that house the entire family will feel the pain.  I have already gone through most of the most difficult pain while experiencing the molestation and when I was experiencing that my "Family" was experiencing a great deal of frustration.  Now I am feeling the frustration and the Family refuses to go through the pain and growth part by refusing any and all attempts I make to be a part of the group.   And refusing to believe anything happened at all.  Passive Aggressive is not an adult way to respond to incest and child sexual abuse.

It will hurt but the healthiest way to address the ever growing Cancer known as Incest and Child Sexual Abuse is to work on the foundation and repair all the things broken that are not seen.

http://sworddancewarrior.wordpress.com

MAY WE DANCE ON THEIR GRAVES

I have just come across this blog and I am in love with this woman already!  Just because it looks like
we both like dark humor.  I can picture her standing with a sweet smile saying the above title!

I will be delving into more of this site very soon.  It looks like a great deal of wonderfully helpful
advice with a great deal of common sense (which I Love).


http://sworddancewarrior.wordpress.com

A Conversation With a Friend about Life, Keep The Faith

I was speaking with a friend of 23 years about life and what we have and have not accomplished.
This friend has been feeling that they have not accomplished all that they set out to.  My friend told
me about a similar conversation with another friend who stated that sometimes you can not accomplish
much until you clear the table.  Clearing the table referred to wiping away all the misinformation that
we have been wrongfully taught.  Some people just have more to clear away.

I agree with this assessment completely.  I also want to ad to this that some people such as myself have
to also put all the pieces together from our shattered childhoods.

It is spoken of a great deal in the Gnostic Tradition that we don't have to accomplish great things, we just need to keep moving forward.  We are in fact doing some pretty amazing things just for living in
and surviving such a negative place as the school we call Earth.

Clear away your table in your space and time and Keep the Faith.  Put your puzzle together in your own space and time.  And Keep The Faith.

DARK HUMOR - Twas The Night Before Christmas (Santa Was A Pedophile)

Twas the night before Christmas and all thro’ the house, 

There was one creature stirring, it wasn’t the mouse;

His stocking was hung in my face with such dare,

In hopes that his dickolas would soon be “down there”;

My siblings were nestled all snug in there beds, 

While I gave that damn ass hole some wonderful head, 

And Mama in her ‘kerchief, and my diaper full of crap,

If I did not a good job, “Santa” gave me a slap’

He had just settled into a nice rhythmic fuck, 

I soon had the feeling, I’m fresh out of luck. 

When out in the hall there rose such a clatter, 

My mother came in to see what was the matter. 

Away under the bus I flew in a flash, 

Tossed me under the tire, then made a mad dash. 

The moon on my face with his milky white snow, 

At the corners of my mouth, no suspicion arose?  

When what do my wondering ears they do hear,

A little “white lie” and a suggestion of more beer.

That little old driver, an asshole so quick,

I knew I was stuck with this horrible prick. 

More rapid than eagles his lies when they came, 

And he whistled and shouted and called them by name, 

Now dash here, now dance here, now prance here you vixen, 

On Trusting, on Believing at Once you poor victim.

To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! 

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

As dry heaves from the assault, the wild hurricane did fly, 

When they met with an obstacle, mounted to “that guy”,

So up to the house-top the course that he flew, 

To control all of the aspects of live that was below.

Then to my deep dismay that I saw from this land,

The wanting and yearning of many small hands,

As he held my small head, my head spinning around, 

Down my throat did st. Dick, he had cum with a bound:

Then he dressed and changed my diaper then kissed my small foot,

And his big smile was tainted, that ass hole’s a coot, 

A bundle of lies he had flung on my back:

His eyes how they squinted and dared me to speak,

His cheeks were  were so rosy, the liquor did reek;

His droll little mouth had a nasty smirked smile, 

And the acts he inflicted made me throw up some bile.

The stump of his pipe he held down past my teeth,

And the stroke of his dick held my head in the wreath.

He had a broad face, and a little round belly, 

That shook when he fuck, my face like it’s jelly:

He was controlling and a grump a wright he gave to himself, 

And I cried when I saw him, I had no “myself”,

A squint of his eye and a punch to my head

Soon gave me the knowledge there’s so much to dread.

He spoke not one word, he went straight to his “work”,

He drained my poor childhood, turned on me; such a jerk.

And laying his middle finger upon me he chose, 

To give the world his warped view and came smelling like a rose. 

He sprung to his family, to his team he gave a whistle, 

And away they all flew, I had to swallow another thistle:

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight;

My sons under the left tire, and to all a a good night. 

It is near the Holiday Season and I thought I would repost this.  Such dark humor.  Sorry if you are offended but this type

of dark humor helps me get through life.  Who else but a survivor of darkness could write such horrible things?!?  ;-)

Realizing the Magnitude of Loss/ Being Happy That You Are A Survivor~!

There is an evolution of understanding that comes with the research of missing pieces of your life when trying to heal from incest and child sexual abuse.

From the beginning I was always told by "family" that I was always changing my story [of survival],  therefore I was never supported.  The "changing" of my story was actually the memories filling in, in a way that I was able to process them and understand them more.   I have read and realize it to be true that we only remember the abuse when we are of a mature age to deal with all the past trauma.

I like to watch "The Long Island Medium".  I completely believe that there are spiritual souls such as
Theresa Caputo who can speak with the dead for purposes of healing and knowing that our loved ones will always be here with us guiding us and supporting us as try to learn the lessons that we ourselves have placed in our own paths.  That last sentence is in reference to my being a Gnostic Christian and our belief that God is perfect and that we and not God choose what we feel we need to learn and grow from.  Many times on "The Long Island Medium" they of course speak of loss of loved ones and the devastation that it brings.  I use this analogy because we as survivors have a great deal of loss even when we still live with the people in our "family".    Quite literally,  I believe the more members in your family the more loss you deal with.

I have two sisters and a brother.  None of them will communicate with me.  My mother will not answer
any letters I have written.   My father/my pedophile did not answer my letter outlining all of the violations I endured from him.  I was not surprised by that.  Since I saw that my father/pedophile was in complete control I did not bond with any of my siblings or my mother.  There is loss.  I perseverated
all my infancy and childhood about what I was experiences and so I did not bond with school friends.   There is more loss.  I did manage to make some long term friends when in high school but that was because I was getting out from under the controlling thumb that my father imposed.  I joined clubs and spend less and less time with people that I did not bond with.  AKA blood relations.   I have about 30 first cousins on each side of my family.  I am not in my home town and I do not know the extent of lies my father has told to cover up his actions of molestation.  I also do not know how many times these lies have been repeated.  How many people have been hurt by the ripples?

I know many people who speak of lifelong friends and for a time I was envious.  Over the years I have learned to be very happy for those people and less upset as I believe I have chosen this path to better understand more fully the ripples of devastation to those who experience incest and child sexual abuse.   I also take into consideration the layers of ripples to people such as my mother.  She has had her heart broken and I am the target to the cause of that broken heart.  I know that she will know one day that I am not the bad person.   This realization will only bring more pain as she reviews her life and asks, "But what does that make of my marriage?"  Should a person pretend that life is all….Sunshine, lollipops and Unicorns to save the hurt that ones mother feels?  Does this not give the green light for more molestations to continue in future generations?

I knew someone who lived with HIV/AIDS for 20 years.   He and I did public speaking together for 15 of those years about social justice and I often spoke of the issues of child sexual abuse.  One of the talks he gave that I was not able to attend was at a large theatre warehouse space.  He was in front of a crowd of almost 400 people and he told me that it hit him like waves of despair of the number of friends he had lost.  It was over 350 friends he had lost.  He had to step back and take a few deep breaths before he continued the talk.  I held him and we both cried.   I helped him along the way and he helped me find a therapist that fit with my needs.   It wasn't until now that I am realizing that there was a definite connection to the same kind of magnitude of loss.  Because he had more of an emotional connection I feel that his feeling of loss hit him harder as I have asked this question many times;  "Have you ever had a villa in the south of France?"  Most will answer no.  If you had a villa in the south of France (or anywhere for that matter) and you lost that villa in one fell swoop that would be very devastating.  I realize that that is just a thing and not a human connection but you see I will never really understand that because I have never really had a strong bond with anyone in my family so I really don't know the complete loss and I never had those emotional bond.  I can only feel sad that I never had that bond and try to build relationships now.  I have had to hone my skills in social etiquette without having had the foundation that one usually relies upon in a healthy setting of infancy and youth.

I have recently placed an ad on a website to find more friends.  I have had two responses and plan on
going to a museum or out for coffee with these two people.   They are small steps but important steps in not isolating one self.  I always encourage survivors to connect with others in safe and empowering ways.  There will be some missteps along the way, I am sure I have made some but you just have to keep trying.  Be good to yourself and try to be a friend to others so they will be friends with you.

It is fine to be sad about the past but happy that you are a Survivor.  Live in the Now.   Keep growing
and healing.

A Post Shared on a Facebook Page with Same Name of this Blog

I would like to request help with promoting a video that raises awareness about sexual abuse. As a victim of sexual abuse victim myself who recently spoke out and tackled many issues through lots of support and counselling, I found myself asking, "How can I reach out to more victims that might not have spoken out about their experience?"
I found that hearing others opening up always inspires others and empowers victims to follow suit so I created a video to raise awareness: https://vimeo.com/108473065
You are not alone. It is not your fault. Just remember, you too are strong. Be proud of yourself, value yourself and when you are ready, speak out!
Dharshana Navendren

A Kind and Healing Response From healingfromsexualabuse.com

Dear Readers,  I have made comments on many websites and articles I read on the internet.
I rarely get any follow up mention or response but the following response from Amy Marschak very much warmed my heart.

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I am very sorry to hear that that happened to you.  Many people who are
survivors of sexual abuse feel like orphans, especially if their family
abused them in any way or if their family did not protect them.  If a
family protects the abuser they are not real family.  Real families love
and protect their children.  Siblings brought up in an unhealthy family
can also learn to become or support perpetrators or they can realize
that they want to be kind people and choose kindness and protecting
other children.

I wrote a post with some ideas on how to be your own parent called
"Surviving Mother's Day and the Holidays" at
http://www.healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/surviving-mothers-day-and-the-holidays/

Also if you have not recently reached out to heal more you can try
calling 1-800-656-HOPE and get connected to your local rape crisis
center.  I write this because even though you had a terrible family of
origin does not mean that you need to feel like an orphan for the rest
of your life.  If you feel supported by the hotline, that is great, if
not hang up and try again later or reach out to other resources.  Keep
reaching out until you feel so supported in your life and so great in
your life that you no longer feel like an orphan.

You might also want to check out http://malesurvivor.org/ they also have
a conference coming up at the end of this month.  No one needs to deal
with sexual abuse alone.

Feel free to write back with any questions, updates or successes, it
helps give hope to other survivors.

Sincerely,

Amy Marschak

healingfromsexualabuse.com

Thank you Amy for such healing words of advice.  How very kind you are.  

I have this posting to show that reaching out and networking really do pay off.  You need to be connected with others and reach out to people such as Amy Marschak!    

Questions for a Nonsupporting Family

1.In the event that someone in my family remembers child sexual abuse I will…

a.Refuse to believe it and dismiss the person who has memories of child sexual abuse.
b.Support all parties involved in this national epidemic.
c.Educate myself before I make any judgment, before making any decisions.
d.Choose ignorance.
e.Explain on back of page in free form answer if no answer applies to you.

2.My knowledge of incest and child sexual abuse is…

a.I have no knowledge of this national epidemic.
b.I only know about what is in the news and the internet and churches.
c.I do not read such articles, I choose ignorance.
d.Explain on back of page in free form answer if no answer applies to you.

3.What are your views on eliminating the statute of limitations regarding child sexual abuse?

a.There is no statute of limitations for a child who survives child sexual abuse so I believe it should be eliminated.
b.Ten years is a long enough time to take action when investigating child sexual abuse regardless if the person in question is supported or not.
c.When sorting out the ever increasing memories and trying to put them all together there needs to be a longer time.
d.I choose ignorance.
e.Explain on back of page if no answer applies to you.

4.Knowing that child sexual abuse is more about control than anything else I remember that…..

a.My father was a very controlling person.
b.My grandfather was a very controlling person.
c.My uncle was a very controlling person.
d.Controlling men were on my Mothers/Fathers side.  (circle paternal choice when applicable)
e.I choose ignorance.
f.Explain on back of page if no answer applies to you.

5.The reason I do not support the person in my family who has had memories of child sexual abuse is that…

a.My relationship with the man/men the family member remembers is strong and I will not rock that relationship.
b.I never bonded with the person in question and was always told that he/she had a mental impairment.
c.It is a depressing subject and I am too busy to deal with all this.
d.To not support this person is the easiest thing to do.
e.I choose ignorance.
f.Explain on back of page if no answer applies to you.



*I asked my sister many months ago if she would be interviewed by me for this blog.  She said, "No thanks"  I still thought it would be interesting to type out a few questions.  Maybe I will sent this out to a few family members.   If you yourself are experiencing abandonment issues you might choose to use this as a template for your own questions for your family or friends.  If you like print these off and discuss them with your therapist.  Add to the questions and share them here if you like.  Continue to keep the conversation going!  And thank you for checking in.

A Parents Right?

           

This is a picture of Claude Rains.  He played Dr. Jaquith in the movie "Now, Voyager". 

It is one of my favorite movies.  I have written about this movie before.  I was thinking how as my parents really did try to do the best for me, they were not educated enough, whether school taught or in lives lessons, to make the right decisions for me.  I did get the nick name Bucky when I was very young as I always wanted to do things my way.  It had to do with the distrust I had for everyone in all the places were sexual molestation took place.  Here are some lines from that wonderful movie that depict a kind of parallel situation.  Details, of course very different but the mind set of the parent or parents is the same. 

Dr. Jaquith-My dear Mrs Vale, if you had deliberately and maliciously planned to destroy your child's life, you couldn't havoc done it more completely.  

Mrs. Vale- How?!  By exercising a mothers rights? 

Dr. Jaquith- A mothers rights?  Twaddle!  (rubbish)

A child has rights a person has rights, to discover their own mistakes , to make their own way, to 

grow and blossom in their won particular soil.  

My moto has always been, Let Children Be Children.  There are so many things children miss if they are used as sexual object.  There are also many things survivors of incest and child sexual abuse miss out on if they in turn are abandoned if they dare to speak of their survival of such atrocities! 

A parent never has the right to use their child for sex.  

Focus Away From The Poisoned Houses and Places of Molestation

I have been thinking about how the houses I grew up in were basically poison.

                                                 
This is not the house I grew up in.  This house is in the neighborhood I live in now.  It looks exactly like the house I was in the longest in my childhood.  The houses I grew up in were what I call the scenes of the crimes.  For some reason my father was attracted to infants and children so each house I lived in started out very nicely but quickly turned bad for me when I was molested in each house.  My parents and more so my mother had many places that I and my siblings would go to over the years.  There were many wedding dances, church picnics, parks and lakes and water-skiing, and camping and family gatherings.  There were very large gatherings at Christmas time and from any persons point of view if you saw all that was presented to me and my siblings you would think that we had it made!  Such generosity of activities and many sacrifices to make all that happen!  Some of us had it made but I was not one of those lucky ones.  The main foundation of your life is where you live.  If you have been violated in a building and forced to live in the place of many violations, that crushes you.  You really do not form a bond with siblings and certainly not your parents as one is violating you and the other trusts her husband explicitly!

At least I have those memories and snippets of relaxation so I try to focus on that part of my past memories.  I have to move beyond the major stresses that living in poisoned houses left me with and focus on the memories away from the poisoned houses.

A Letter To My Mother, From File # 13

Dear Eileen,

I remember the day I lost you, for the 3rd time.  I was only around 2.5 years old.  The memory is that we would sometimes take a little afternoon nap.  We would curl up and fall fast asleep and when I woke up you were gone after having put me down for my nap in a most loving way.  I felt your love so many times up until the time your husband began putting his dick in my mouth.

And the next time you wanted to lay down with me I got up and began to cry as I walked away very confused as to why it didn't feel the same and the only reason why is that, Now the house was unsafe and you were not to be trusted as you trusted and went along with almost everything your husband wanted and demanded.

But wait theres more!  This was the 3rd house we all lived in and some form of molestation happened in each house.   He pulled the rug out from under me so many times.  He had everyone eating out of the palm of his hands and doing the "Molly Coddle" thing.  And while sometimes I have felt great pain and anger at this I mostly feel really sad for you.  The only thing I asked of him was honesty with me.  Just tell me what happened to you and lets address this issue of child sexual abuse and incest in the
____________ Family.  And now he is playing the poor damaged disrespected father.

And the Academy Award goes to…….

I know all of the emotions that you have gone through with not having me around.  I know because I experienced all of those same emotions when my safety was taken away from me for the 3rd time at the age of 2.5 years old.  And when I was gang raped and had a near death experience at age 4 years old while receiving the parting gift of oral gonorrhea….well lets just say…that didn't help!

In order to be a part of your life it seems I have to publicly profess to having a mental impairment.  The other option is that we sit down with some trained therapists to discuss and address the real issues…Not the ones you have made up.

At some point we all take responsibility of who we are and where we are in life.  I believe I have done that.  I wish you well on your journey of self accountability.  I wish the same for your husband, my molester.

Lets just Sign Me,

File #13

Thank You People of Ukraine

 
I wanted to reach out and thank the person or people of the Ukraine for viewing my blog.   Recently it was 47 views.  For a blog of this sort with a not very popular subject, 47 hits is Big!  So thank you for checking in.  If you need to talk to someone about any issues you may be going through you can contact me on here or I could send you an email address.

I always encourage people to join in the conversation and ask any questions you want.  I will help you with connections to safe people in your area, interventions or what ever I can help you with.  

I wish you well.

Dear Uncle in Bloomer Wisconsin

Dear Uncle In Bloomer Wisconsin,

I have tried for over 25 years to address child sexual abuse and incest in my paternal family.  The majority of what I experienced is from your brother, Robert and when I was gang raped [by mouth] in your farm house by Peter [the baby sitter and his friends].
They got me drunk and high and passed me around.  I had a near death experience there and I chose to come back.  I had a "parting gift" in the form of Oral Gonorrhea.  I was 4 years old.

I wonder if you remember a guy named Peter?  All I know is that he was the baby sitter and he invited many people over to sexually molest me.  I have all the details chronicled at the beginning of this blog.

It is called Every Survivors Story Is Different.

I count myself one of the many people who applaud you in your recovery regarding alcohol.

I wonder if maybe Peter was one of your drinking buddies.  I wonder if maybe you might have been impaired in your judgment of Peters ability to be a good choice in being in my and my 2 year old brothers care.  Do you know Peter yet today?  If you do, I suggest you contact the police as he is most likely contenting to molest children unless he has been caught before this letter.

I contacted the people of AA and asked them about one of the 12 steps.  The step was #8.

This was the kind response from the people of AA.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Hi  XXX,

I am so sorry to hear what you have experience in your life. I cannot imagine the journey your experiences have taken you on.  A.A.’s Twelve Steps are a group of principles, spiritual in their nature, which, if practiced as a way of life, can expel the obsession to drink and enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole.

The program of A.A. is a personal choice and a personal journey. They are there to guide us, but it is up to each individual how they work with them.
I believe only that person involved in the 8th step can answer that question.

I pray you find resolve and peace for yourself.

In Service
Gail Stenger
Office Manager

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[continuing letter to Uncle in Bloomer]

I do not blame you or anyone else in this world for anything I have experienced or ever Will experience  as I am a Gnostic Christian and believe that I have chosen everything I will experience.  The only thing I want to stress is that basic accountability is all I have ever asked for.  I am sorry but I believe that your father got after both Robert and Alice.  I stayed with Alice in Milwaukee and there are actions that tell me that she is a survivor as well.  One trigger for her is Frank Sinatra era music.  She is fine with it if is is Without the Vocals.  Instrumentals are what she listens to.  I feel sad for her because, sometimes people do not do the work.
Lastly there are ripples in the waters of what I experienced.

I have tried to speak with Alice about this for years.  She will not speak to me.  I have tried the same amount of years to speak with my parents.  They have shut me out and refused me on many levels.  I am now asking you to step up and show me some kind of family loyalty.

Without a Firm Example Of Family Loyalty From You, I Can Not Promise To Continue To Have Family Loyalty To You And Yours.


*I do not have my name on my blog as yet, and I have not as yet revealed my birth name.  So I can not sign this letter.  That is why you have received a notice in the mail to read your letter here.

We Are All Equal, Equally Frustrated

The lived in three different houses in my early life.  I was molested in all three places so I never felt safe.

Being a Gnostic Christian I believe that all human souls were created at the same exact time which explains that, "All men are created equal".

I had many panic attacks and was always moody.  In turn I never bonded with anyone in my "family".
My siblings tried many times to have me join in with many activities but I was always unpredictable and could not be reached.  I had to be coaxed to join many things.

I was thinking how really frustrating that would have been for them.  Little do they know that it was equally frustrating for me.  Imagine you are with a group of people, your brothers and sisters and parents and they are loving caring people and that love will never be trusted as you were sexually molested in that house and did not trust anything that happened there.  Yes, my pedophile is a very loving man and at rare times I felt love from him as well as the rest of my people in the house.  How frustrating for all but no one in my "family" will speak with me about this.

As I move forward I must always believe that "All men/women Are created equally and that for in that equality for every action their is an equal and opposite reaction and all the pain and anguish my mother
has felt with her broken heart happened to me when I was growing up and often complained that my heart hurt.

It was brushed off as a "nervous condition".

I have grieved about my mothers broken heart and feel frustrated that anyone who in close to this
believes that I am the one who caused it.  The root of the problem is of course my pedophile.

It seems we are all equally frustrated.  I will always be ready to meet any one of my "family" on equal ground.

Try Many Times and Many Ways For Many Things But Know When To Move On

When I try something, I really try something.  That is to say I go about it from all angles and try many things before I must move on.  Case in point.  I was raised Catholic but am not any more.  I did not think the Catholic Church was for me.  I joined the choir, I played guitar in church, I volunteered in many things and it did not seem that it was for me.  I then thought it was maybe "this" Catholic Church.
(My parents Catholic Church).  I decided I would join another Catholic Church.   Here is the old saying
"I walked 3 miles across town" to get to this church and after going to mass a few times, I joined the Liturgy Committee.  I found out that from every angle I looked and got involved it was still not right for me.  I have to state on so many levels the Catholic's left me long before I left them.

That being said, over the years I have searched my memories about my "family".  If my father had not molested me in the house and so many times over so many years I would have some kind of relationship with my three siblings.  I remember my being moody all the time, and who would want to spend any time with someone dealing with all the trauma of incest and rape and a near death experience by the time they were 4 years old!  The ripples of what crashed into my life are powerful.

I sometimes feel sad about not having family in my life but I have been investigating the stages a person goes through when they are an "actual" orphan and their parents do physically die.   Many years ago I visited a Native American Orphanage.  My aunt was the principal and held the Masses there as well.
I was told about what orphans were and that this was a safe place for them when there mothers and fathers die.  I was pretty young and casually asked one of the little kids where there mother and father were.  It hit me when this little child told me that they were dead.  I ran and hid and cried.  When an adult found me they nurtured me and consoled me.   In a way I believe I felt just like the orphans accept it my be more difficult as with me or others experiencing constant trauma.  You are surrounded by many who feel love for you, who express love for you and you don't feel anything for them as the father of the house has taken that away from you.   The pedophile who continues to look like the good guy, who provides food shelter housing and goes out of his way to feel hurt by my crazy actions [that he set in motion].        


There are many kinds of orphans.  I have chosen to not get upset about my "family" for being passive aggressive.  I did not bond with them and I doubt that we can all just sit down and catch up on 25 years of not communicating.  I also know that sometimes it takes a great deal of time and effort when a person goes through the process of healing from incest and child sexual abuse.  It has taken me this long to finally reach a place where I can say I have reached personhood.   Now to move on.

Keep Moving Forward

Reaching Out to My Sisters/ Knowing The Silence/I Am An Orphan

Dear Sisters,

In my research and with all the public speaking and writing I have done over the last 25 years about surviving incest and many other forms of child sexual abuse, the next step is to have a few interviews with the people who have witnessed some of this first hand.  I was wondering if you would agree to an anonymous interview.  I would post the anonymous interview on my blog
but I would also ask that you be open to answering any questions that my come from the people who read my blog.   That would mean I would send you the questions after I receive them when people do read my blog.  I would also have a link to my Facebook page if any questions would arrive from that venue.

If you do not agree to this simple request I was wondering if you would answer some questions about when Robert and Eileen first proclaimed that I was mentally impaired and to what qualifications either of them had to make that assessment.   I realize that there was the trip to the Psych ward at [is it] St.Mary's Hospital [?] at the Flats and that may be something Bob and Eileen want to cling to to convince you and others to the validity of their misguided assessments but if they look at the laws of "Cause and Affect" they and anyone else of basic
cognitive thinking will realize that my actions and reactions were perfectly normal for what I survived in my infancy and young childhood.   Did you know I survived a near death experience when I was 4 years old?  Did you know that I had oral Gonorrhea when I was 4 years old?  I jokingly refer to that as "The Immaculate Infection"!  Funny Ha.  |

I Hope this finds you well and I look forward to your lengthy letter where we can catch up.

With all my love,

Uncounted Survivor



Dear Readers,

I have just sent this email out to my two sisters and without question I am sure that:

a) They will both not respond.   And…….
b) I am pretty sure they will give this email to the policeman who came to my apartment to question me about some shocking details of the ripples that happen after my survival of incest and other forms of child sexual abuse.

I have long thought of myself as an orphan.  It is a healthy way to think and a healthy way to just move forward.  The last attempt I had with sending my mother a letter and not getting a response was that it was a great relief.

If I would ask her if we ever got together and reminisced about the good old days, what would we talk about?  I had 3 good years with them.  I am 51 years old.  I am not going to edit out that amount of my life in order to have you in my life.   I know my mother worked her ass off cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, yard work, maintenance in the house and even working outside the house at 3 or 4 different jobs (over the years) but I am sorry, you married a pedophile that really put a monkey wrench in the mix.  I am NEVER going to pretend that 10+ years of molestation did not happen.  I am almost at the point of my achieving Personhood.  I am almost feeling complete.  I can not change the past, I can not pretend about the past.  

I will let you know if I hear from them.  Anyone want to place odds?!?

Uncounted Survivor

IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR FATHER/SON INCEST FOR PLEASURE, I WANT TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH YOU.

     In checking the statistics regarding the number of views each post has received,

        I FIND IT DISTURBING THAT THE POSTING 

        ABOUT A POSSIBLE INTERVIEW WITH A FATHER

        AND SON INCEST COUPLE HAS RECEIVED THE 

        MOST VIEWS.  2,954 VIEWS.  THIS SAYS   

        SOMETHING!

       As always I try not to judge, but it is difficult to address the issues of incest and child sexual abuse 

       if the people involved either directly or from the ripples of the effects refuse to have a conversation 

       with you.  

    I would love to have a conversation with a few men who are                    

     attracted to father/ son incest especially if it is with a son who is underage.  

       I want to open up the discussion with people who are in the center of this issue.  

  

    Please Join in the Conversation.  Thank You. 

        

Now, Voyager

I was thinking about an uncle of mine who used to drink a case of beer a day.  He has been sober for more than 35 years.  Very happy for him and proud of him.  I was thinking I will always be a survivor of incest.  I believe that I have for the most part put all the pieces together from my shattered life but there will always be triggers and there is small part of my puzzle I do not believe I will ever know.  

I was on a kind of camping trip.  I am not sure but I believe it was part of a scouting trip.  I believe there was a private cabin I was going to share with my father and another child my age and another adult my fathers age.  I believe I had a kind of outburst and panic attack.  It took some doing to calm me down.  And I got a present from my father.  

There has been so much talk in the news recently about Dylan Farrow.  Her open letter to her father she sent to the New York Times was so amazing.  The views that society has about child molestation and pedophiles perpetuates the continuation of offenses on children.  It is my belief that in the course of what is being done NOW you Will NEVER slow down or end child sexual abuse. 

There needs to be a completely different way of looking at the problem and addressing it in a more aggressive manor.  The first thing you do is level the "playing field".  Get RID of the Statute Of Limitations!  Pedophiles are Serial Killers Of Childhoods!  

I am re-watching "Now, Voyager" with Betty Davis and I always love the transformation she goes through in her journey of growth and healing from abuse.  I like to think that there are many people who have survived sexual molestation move forward in their own journeys of healing who emerge stronger and proud to have survived.  I am on my own "Now, Voyager" path to healing.