New Word to "Get Real" About

childhood

[chahyld-hoo d]

noun
1. the state or period of being a child.
2. the early stage in the existence of something:
the childhood of the human race.

Childhood should be a carefree simpler time.  When that is taken away you endure what I call "incesthood".


Incesthood

noun
1. the state or period of being used sexually as a child.
2. the early stage in the existence of something horrible.

incested
verb
1. the action of having been sexually molested by a blood relative, i.e. father, brother, uncle etc.

There are hundreds of thousands of people out there who did not Have a childhood.  A number of those people will go on to continue the epidemic of child sexual abuse.  A number of those people will never speak of this to their families.  A number of those people will support and hide any actions they survived.  A number of those will do the work to get out of that destructive cycle and try to change for the health of it.

Too many families are expecting family loyalty without being loyal to the survivors of child sexual abuse.



I have explored the way to get a word into the dictionary and the main way a word is added is by usage.   This posses a particular problem as there is a gargantuan majority of people who are survivors who will not come forward to be open about their survival.  An aunt of mine who will not speak with me….she will speak At me but will never broach the subject of incest or child sexual abuse and I tried for 25  years!  I have bookmarked the page to submit a word to the dictionary and will go back and fill
out all the reasons why I believe it to be a valid word.  If you want to share this post with anyone or any organization who could begin to Use this word….well that would be Great!   Peace.  

A Sexual Abuse Survivor is Always at The Scene Of the Crime

The scene of the crime has always been about the location, as in the address or building.  It occurs to me that being the survivor of sexual abuse, you are always at the scene of the crime.    Your body is your house.  The vehicle that houses your Soul.  This makes things very complicated.


                                                                    Uncounted Survivor




                                                                   

Steps to Recovery of Incest

There are many different theories about the process of recovery of incest and child sexual abuse.
This is one that I thought was very clear and it works for me.  There are still steps that I need to work through.  I may need to step back and go through a step I thought I was through or go to a deeper level of understanding to go on to the next level.  That is what I have placed before myself.  I believe in setting goals but have the realization that the real healing process takes time.  If you are a survivor as well please check out this site.  If it does not work for you, By All Means Keep Looking For Something or Someone who Can Help!  It is Important to Take the Steps.

Copy and paste this addy below.  I am not tech savvy to have you just click ON it.  Sorry.  It is a very good site with a great deal of Healing Advice.  

http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/incest/recovery.php

An Episode of Dissociation Explained to My Former Manager in Hospitality

Dear Lori,

This letter is to apologize and explain what happened at a business meeting when I was working at [The Hotel you Manage].

What you and the others at the meeting witnesses was an episode of dissociation.
I explained during my initial interview that I had done 15 years of public speaking about social justice issues and caregiving as I was a long time companion to a man living with AIDS but I did not at the time explain that I also spoke at great length about being an incest and child sexual abuse survivor.

Throughout my life there have been episodes of dissociation caused by different triggers.  I am not aware of all the triggers but I am evaluating them and beginning to put them into some kind of order.  I know that living in a house where I was sexually molested by my father for 10 years caused me to not feel loved as an infant and young child so there were panic attacks there.  I know that sometimes a trigger is just someone being kind to me and when that happens, sometimes a younger version of myself has emerged and I revert into a child like state and that is when you witnessed
the dissociation at the meeting at [the Hotel].   It is almost like a split personality and when it happened I was not even aware that it happened until a few days later.

In the more than 25 years I have been addressing the issues of incest and child sexual abuse I have contacted my “family” but no one on my paternal side will speak about this family tragedy.

At present my blog has had over 8,000 hits.  Since I have no tech savvy the blog reads a much lower # and I cannot fix that.  I also have been writing and posting on a facebook page with the same name.  Address Child Sexual Abuse

One of my earliest posts on my blog was a detailed list of most of my memories of the incest and child sexual abuse.  I have it enclosed here.  Read it if you want or don’t as it is very disturbing and not really necessary for you to see to be an understanding person with what I and many others deal with on a daily basis.   Sexual abuse survivors have to deal with survival issues for the rest of their lives.

In AA the 8th step is to make amends for past actions.  I am working on a “Steps” list for sexual abuse survivors and I liken this step to the #8 on their list as a way of explaining, apologizing and educating people as to what this is all about.

Once again I am sorry that you witnessed my episode of dissociation.  I am not a crazy person, I am only severely damaged.....but I am healing.  And trying to bring healing to my fellow survivors.

Sincerely,





I do not know what others will feel about my choice of disclosure.  I thought long and hard about what I would say and after writing this letter over and over in my mind this is what I came up with.   I consider myself spiritual and I must say that whenever I have prayed for "words", that prayers has ALWAYS been answered.  Whenever I have prayed for the right words to say in public speaking or if I am posting on my blog or Facebook page or if I need to speak with someone about a difficult situation
I have always had a great deal of assistance from the Other Side (Heaven).  And I am very grateful for that!  Prayer is Good!

Letter To Family Priest [a work in progress]

I am writing you in a time of dire need for my family.  Over the years I have done 15 years of public speaking about my survival of child sexual abuse and incest.  I have tried for over 20 years of speaking with my family about my survival to no avail and in the last 3.5 years I have blogged and most recently I have a Facebook page.

As you can see I am doing my part about Addressing Child Sexual Abuse.

I am sure you are aware of the difficulties that many churches are dealing with in our fight to prevent and address the needs of the survivors of child sexual abuse as well as the unfortunate men who are attracted to infants and children in a controlling sexual way.  As it stands now, for some reason I have found that the majority of support and empathy somehow comes to land in the lap of the predator or child molester.

Coming from the stand point of the survivor I thing it might be just so much more easy to
toss the survivor under the bus as has happened with me.  That is unfortunate but I have grown much more spiritual as a result so I do look at the bright side of things!

The reason I am writing to you in this time of family crisis is that after 20 years I really do need to tell my story and come out as a child sexual abuse survivor.  It is a logical step in my healing and recovery and with my knowledge and insight about new ways to address this issue I am sure that We will make great strides in combatting this epidemic.  I am giving my family every opportunity to join in this discussion about family health and I am asking you to join in as well.  I am sure that we can all agree that this Is an epidemic and we are all concerned or we all should be seeing that I am a survivor of incest from the [___________] family.  After so many years of showing and having respect and family loyalties to the [__________] family I think it is time for my family to show me as much respect and loyalty that I have shown them.  That is only fair.

*A work in progress.  I am thinking it might even be a template for others to do a Group Coming Out.
There would be portions of the script that other survivors would change to suit what they have done for the cause or personal struggles that you have survived that some may have witnessed that would be relevant to you….but use as much text as you would like.  Once I have the full text clarified I will do a boost on Facebook.

I do appreciate anyone checking in and please contact me if you want to share your story of survival or if you want to brainstorm about how to address these issues or if you need a shoulder.

Please Take Care.

Private Chat on Facebook with a Male Cousin

Me: Hey Cousin,  How are you?  Just wondering if you could get me Doris's address.  Thanks.










[Doris was an Aunt]

Cousin: 
Hi! Things are well. How about for you? 
About Doris though, she passed away a few years ago.











Me: 
I am in (Mid-West City) and am about to begin marketing my art work……other than that I am working to make a living….. but I do have 3 day weekends at this point so that is good……    I asked about Doris as I must have seen her Double a few days ago.  There was a beautiful well dressed woman whom I could have Sworn was Doris.  As I am not on the best of terms with many (Paternal Family) right now……. I did not cross that path.  But………  This woman looked exactly like Doris.











Cousin: 
Best of luck with your artwork. What mediums do you use? I'm certainly no artist, but I enjoyed art so much in college that I have a great appreciation for those with such gifts.
Yes, I'm aware of your falling out with your family. That isn't something I can relate to . . . And I'm blessed to have my family. I'm sure its a difficult situation for you and your family both. I'll pray for you and them both.










December 8, 2014

Me: As for the "falling out"…..there was not a falling out……there was incest for 10 years from my father…he also involved me in child porn…….then there was the time I was gang raped by mouth on the paternal farm in  Bloomer, WI. where I had a near death experience and had oral gonnoreah as a parting gift….there were also a few priests….and other various molestation I survived……  and the only way I can be a part of most of the [paternal family] lives is if I pretend it didn't happen.  I spoke publicly for 15 years about this and I have a blog I have written in for the last almost 3 years.  It's all about abandonment from the [paternal family]………They are not my favorite people.   It would be interesting to hear what if any details you have heard.  Mostly I thing there is the ongoing lie that I have mental impairments.











Cousin: 
I apologize for stating it as a "falling out." That probably appeared to be making light of the whole ordeal,  but please know that from my perspective I only saw my cousin no longer speaking to his family and his family no longer speaking to their son. 
I haven't heard any details. From my perspective my mother was the only of that side of the family with any, albeit minimal, contact. 
The events that you describe are terrible,  and I don't want to make light of it. 
It would be ok to speak about your family, but maybe not write about it. We could get coffee over Christmas if you like . . . But don't feel obligated.












Me: 
No apology needed.  Coffee over Christmas would be great.










Seen Dec 8

*I copied and pasted this conversation with my cousin from Facebook.  There was one part of the conversation that upon re-reading did not make it here.  When I explained to this cousin I had done 15 years of public speaking about social justice and incest survival my cousin thought that was good but my cousin objected when I told him I was also writing a blog for almost 4 years.  It is unfortunate that there are generations of hiding pedophiles.  I should not judge but I am saddened that it looks as if my paternal side of the family were in charge of dealing with pedophile priests, they would most likely just
relocate them as the Catholic Church did for years.  

*I did not see my cousin on Facebook during the Christmas Holiday and there was no communication from him to have the coffee.  I still enjoyed coffee and was grateful!

I hope you all had a Joyous Holiday and Celebrated the Birth of Christ.

HGTV Analogy

I watch a great deal of HGTV.  The Property Brothers and Income Property are two of the favorites.

When these brothers find and restore a house to make it a Home they have to investigate the foundation, check the plumbing, the electrical works, Take Down Walls…….The list is sometimes a complete Gut Job.

When someone is finding out who they really are during the healing process after the realization and the acceptance of incest and child sexual abuse they have to do much the same thing.   A person has to find out about their foundation, their physical and mental health…how they are wired, they have to Take Down Walls…..

Many years ago I was renting a basement one bedroom apartment.  It was in an old building with great woodwork tall ceilings and a nice galley kitchen.   The bathroom floor was rotting away and the tiles were coming up.  I asked the building engineer to take a look at it and please do something about it.
He took a look and said, "I'll take up the loose tiles and put a rug down.  I protested and explained the rotting floor is still going to be there and needed to be addressed.  He brought in some people who took the floor away down to the dirt and some very large square beams the building was built on.  He replaced all the wood and it had a safe foundation and was dry once again.

The point is; you can't just gloss over a problem.  You have to address it head on.  I am doing the right thing by moving on from people who just want to gloss over and pretend nothing happened.

It's almost as if the building could be "The Family" and we are all interconnected and if you rip away parts of that house the entire family will feel the pain.  I have already gone through most of the most difficult pain while experiencing the molestation and when I was experiencing that my "Family" was experiencing a great deal of frustration.  Now I am feeling the frustration and the Family refuses to go through the pain and growth part by refusing any and all attempts I make to be a part of the group.   And refusing to believe anything happened at all.  Passive Aggressive is not an adult way to respond to incest and child sexual abuse.

It will hurt but the healthiest way to address the ever growing Cancer known as Incest and Child Sexual Abuse is to work on the foundation and repair all the things broken that are not seen.

DARK HUMOR - Twas The Night Before Christmas (Santa Was A Pedophile)

Twas the night before Christmas and all thro’ the house, 

There was one creature stirring, it wasn’t the mouse;

His stocking was hung in my face with such dare,

In hopes that his dickolas would soon be “down there”;

My siblings were nestled all snug in there beds, 

While I gave that damn ass hole some wonderful head, 

And Mama in her ‘kerchief, and my diaper full of crap,

If I did not a good job, “Santa” gave me a slap’

He had just settled into a nice rhythmic fuck, 

I soon had the feeling, I’m fresh out of luck. 

When out in the hall there rose such a clatter, 

My mother came in to see what was the matter. 

Away under the bus I flew in a flash, 

Tossed me under the tire, then made a mad dash. 

The moon on my face with his milky white snow, 

At the corners of my mouth, no suspicion arose?  

When what do my wondering ears they do hear,

A little “white lie” and a suggestion of more beer.

That little old driver, an asshole so quick,

I knew I was stuck with this horrible prick. 

More rapid than eagles his lies when they came, 

And he whistled and shouted and called them by name, 

Now dash here, now dance here, now prance here you vixen, 

On Trusting, on Believing at Once you poor victim.

To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! 

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

As dry heaves from the assault, the wild hurricane did fly, 

When they met with an obstacle, mounted to “that guy”,

So up to the house-top the course that he flew, 

To control all of the aspects of live that was below.

Then to my deep dismay that I saw from this land,

The wanting and yearning of many small hands,

As he held my small head, my head spinning around, 

Down my throat did st. Dick, he had cum with a bound:

Then he dressed and changed my diaper then kissed my small foot,

And his big smile was tainted, that ass hole’s a coot, 

A bundle of lies he had flung on my back:

His eyes how they squinted and dared me to speak,

His cheeks were  were so rosy, the liquor did reek;

His droll little mouth had a nasty smirked smile, 

And the acts he inflicted made me throw up some bile.

The stump of his pipe he held down past my teeth,

And the stroke of his dick held my head in the wreath.

He had a broad face, and a little round belly, 

That shook when he fuck, my face like it’s jelly:

He was controlling and a grump a wright he gave to himself, 

And I cried when I saw him, I had no “myself”,

A squint of his eye and a punch to my head

Soon gave me the knowledge there’s so much to dread.

He spoke not one word, he went straight to his “work”,

He drained my poor childhood, turned on me; such a jerk.

And laying his middle finger upon me he chose, 

To give the world his warped view and came smelling like a rose. 

He sprung to his family, to his team he gave a whistle, 

And away they all flew, I had to swallow another thistle:

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight;

My sons under the left tire, and to all a a good night. 

It is near the Holiday Season and I thought I would repost this.  Such dark humor.  Sorry if you are offended but this type

of dark humor helps me get through life.  Who else but a survivor of darkness could write such horrible things?!?  ;-)

A Post Shared on a Facebook Page with Same Name of this Blog

I would like to request help with promoting a video that raises awareness about sexual abuse. As a victim of sexual abuse victim myself who recently spoke out and tackled many issues through lots of support and counselling, I found myself asking, "How can I reach out to more victims that might not have spoken out about their experience?"
I found that hearing others opening up always inspires others and empowers victims to follow suit so I created a video to raise awareness: https://vimeo.com/108473065
You are not alone. It is not your fault. Just remember, you too are strong. Be proud of yourself, value yourself and when you are ready, speak out!
Dharshana Navendren

Focus Away From The Poisoned Houses and Places of Molestation

I have been thinking about how the houses I grew up in were basically poison.

                                                 
This is not the house I grew up in.  This house is in the neighborhood I live in now.  It looks exactly like the house I was in the longest in my childhood.  The houses I grew up in were what I call the scenes of the crimes.  For some reason my father was attracted to infants and children so each house I lived in started out very nicely but quickly turned bad for me when I was molested in each house.  My parents and more so my mother had many places that I and my siblings would go to over the years.  There were many wedding dances, church picnics, parks and lakes and water-skiing, and camping and family gatherings.  There were very large gatherings at Christmas time and from any persons point of view if you saw all that was presented to me and my siblings you would think that we had it made!  Such generosity of activities and many sacrifices to make all that happen!  Some of us had it made but I was not one of those lucky ones.  The main foundation of your life is where you live.  If you have been violated in a building and forced to live in the place of many violations, that crushes you.  You really do not form a bond with siblings and certainly not your parents as one is violating you and the other trusts her husband explicitly!

At least I have those memories and snippets of relaxation so I try to focus on that part of my past memories.  I have to move beyond the major stresses that living in poisoned houses left me with and focus on the memories away from the poisoned houses.

A Letter To My Mother, From File # 13

Dear Eileen,

I remember the day I lost you, for the 3rd time.  I was only around 2.5 years old.  The memory is that we would sometimes take a little afternoon nap.  We would curl up and fall fast asleep and when I woke up you were gone after having put me down for my nap in a most loving way.  I felt your love so many times up until the time your husband began putting his dick in my mouth.

And the next time you wanted to lay down with me I got up and began to cry as I walked away very confused as to why it didn't feel the same and the only reason why is that, Now the house was unsafe and you were not to be trusted as you trusted and went along with almost everything your husband wanted and demanded.

But wait theres more!  This was the 3rd house we all lived in and some form of molestation happened in each house.   He pulled the rug out from under me so many times.  He had everyone eating out of the palm of his hands and doing the "Molly Coddle" thing.  And while sometimes I have felt great pain and anger at this I mostly feel really sad for you.  The only thing I asked of him was honesty with me.  Just tell me what happened to you and lets address this issue of child sexual abuse and incest in the
____________ Family.  And now he is playing the poor damaged disrespected father.

And the Academy Award goes to…….

I know all of the emotions that you have gone through with not having me around.  I know because I experienced all of those same emotions when my safety was taken away from me for the 3rd time at the age of 2.5 years old.  And when I was gang raped and had a near death experience at age 4 years old while receiving the parting gift of oral gonorrhea….well lets just say…that didn't help!

In order to be a part of your life it seems I have to publicly profess to having a mental impairment.  The other option is that we sit down with some trained therapists to discuss and address the real issues…Not the ones you have made up.

At some point we all take responsibility of who we are and where we are in life.  I believe I have done that.  I wish you well on your journey of self accountability.  I wish the same for your husband, my molester.

Lets just Sign Me,

File #13

A Dark Dark Christmas Poem

Twas the night before Christmas and all thro’ the house, 

There was one creature stirring, it wasn’t the mouse;

His stocking was hung in my face with good care,

In hopes that his dickolas would soon be “down there”;

My siblings were nestled all snug in there beds, 

While I gave that damn ass hole some wonderful head, 

And Mama in her ‘kerchief, and my diaper full of crap,

If I did not a good job, “Santa” gave me a slap’

He had just settled into a nice rhythmic fuck, 

I soon had the feeling, I’m fresh out of luck. 

When out in the hall there rose such a clatter, 

My mother came in to see what was the matter. 

Away under the bus I flew in a flash, 

Tossed me under the tire, then made a mad dash. 

The moon on my face with his milky white snow, 

At the corners of my mouth, no suspicion arose?  

When what do my wondering ears they do hear,

A little “white lie” and a suggestion of more beer.

That little old driver, an asshole so quick,

I knew I was stuck with this horrible prick. 

More rapid than eagles his lies when they came, 

And he whistled and shouted and called them by name, 

Now dash here, now dance here, now prance here you vixen, 

On Trusting, on Believing at Once you poor victim.

To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! 

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

As dry heaves from the assault, the wild hurricane did fly, 

When they met with an obstacle, mounted to “that guy”,

So up to the house-top the course that he flew, 

To control all of the aspects of live that was below.

Then to my deep dismay that I saw from this land,

The wanting and yearning of many small hands,

As he held my small head, my head spinning around, 

Down my throat did st. Dick, he had cum with a bound:

Then he dressed and changed my diaper then kissed my small foot,

And his big smile was tainted, that ass hole’s a coot, 

A bundle of lies he had flung on my back:

His eyes how they squinted and dared me to speak,

His cheeks were  were so rosy, the liquor did reek;

His droll little mouth had a nasty smirked smile, 

And the acts he inflicted made me throw up some bile.

The stump of his pipe he held down past my teeth,

And the stroke of his dick held my head in the wreath.

He had a broad face, and a little round belly, 

That shook when he fuck, my face like it’s jelly:

He was controlling and a grump a wright he gave to himself, 

And I cried when I saw him, I had no “myself”,

A squint of his eye and a punch to my head

Soon gave me the knowledge there’s so much to dread.

He spoke not one word, he went to strait to his “work”,

He drained my poor childhood, turned on me; such a jerk.

And laying his middle finger upon me he chose, 

To give the world his warped view and came smelling like a rose. 

He sprung to his family, to his team he gave a whistle, 

And away they all flew, I had to swallow another thistle:

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight;

My sons under the left tire, and to all a a good night. 

Krampus is a sort of anti-Santa, a demon who comes to punish children who misbehave during the year. 

I am using the image here as the anti-Santa who takes childhoods away from children who have not done anything wrong.    

Recipe For Life

I love when I remember my dreams.  A recent dream was very comforting and I thought I would post the details and what I got from that dream.

I found myself in a very large clean building that housed some lecture and social halls and also some people I perceived as very wise Deans.  I wandered around the building and observed a few gatherings of people and some of the Deans who had monkeys walking beside them.  I believed they were helper monkeys.  A monkey would sometimes screech at the wise Dean and in turn the Dean would talk back to the monkey in the same screech language.  They were not disrespectful of each other they just knew the same monkey language.  There were two male Deans and one female Dean.  I had great respect for them as they seemed very spiritual and very wise.

As I went through this very large clean building I came upon a kind of waiting room with wingback chairs and a few end tables.  I was speaking with someone who looked familiar but I could not place where I knew her from.  She had a small box of cookies she was reading from and showed me what was written on the box.  It read, "A Recipe For Life".  She explained to me that it was nice that that was written on the box but felt it would be good to apply it to ones life.  We all need to figure out for ourselves what is the recipe for ourselves to live our lives to the fullest.  The decisions we make for ourselves are very important and while we are helped along the way to make decisions we have to hold on to some that are very personal.  Spirituality is one important choice.  I had a great deal of trouble when I decided very young the Catholic faith was not for me.

I am no expert of dream interpretation but this is the message that I took from this dream.  This Blog in turn is part of the recipe I am writing for myself.  A healing process.  Even to this day as I grow there are many who could never believe that I experienced sexual molestation.  I can not be the person they want me to be.  The experiences I had changed me forever and I have to live "as me".

We need to take all the different messages we get from our dreams or the people who cross our path in order to build and create our own Recipe For Life.  Borrow a few good traits from the people we cross paths with and remember the many good things that our healthier family members have brought to our lives.

I always remember one important lesson from my parents.  They taught me to have empathy for people who for what ever reason "just don't get it".  There are some very overwhelming situations that some just can not wrap their mind around.  It is just too unbelievable and they feel their mind would just snap.

My mother taught me to have empathy for my mother.

Miss America By Day, The Autobiography of Marilyn Van Durber

Her married name is Marilyn Van Durber Alter.  Her book is completely captivating as is she in the videos I have seen on Youtube.

I recently came across the autobiography from Miss Van Durber Alter and bought it from a discount
bookstore.  They did not have it in stock so I ordered it and waited patently.  I was pleasantly surprised to find that the book I bought was an autographed copy.

This book is a God Send.  There are many times I am not able to buy a book so I will go to the library.

Whatever state you live in, once you get a library card you can access Any Book In Your State from the library.  If you can not afford to buy this book.....I Urge you to go to the library and Get IT!

If you need to reserve this book and have it sent to where ever you are I Suggest you do this Today!

Captivating.......Riveting.........Healing!

If you investigate this Woman's Story.....you will come across rave review after rave review of this Lovely, Courageous Lady!

God Bless Marilyn Van Durber Alter....and her Wonderfully Supportive Husband Larry and the rest of her Family!

Address Child Sexual Abuse

I come from a Catholic backround but knew early on that that religion was not for me. I struggled for many years and searched out many paths to spirituality. I found that with all my questions the majority could be answered through a church of Gnositic Christianity. Gnostics believe that we choose our lessons before we come to this earthly plane and I know that for a fact because I remember going through the process. We all have to remember that GOD is perfect. There is a saying that states that "God does not give you more than you can handle". I do not believe that to be true. It gives us a the ability to blame God for what we are going through. NOT TRUE. We have to be accountable for everything in our lives because WE chose this. It SOUNDS crazy but as I said I remember the process. Why would anyone choose to be sexually abused? For one thing I have chalenged myself to work this all out through spirituality. For another reason and I believe this to be the key......What better way is there to understand what it is all about and ADDRESS IT than to experience it first hand. Now comes the diffecult part. In the many years that I have tried to ADDRESS CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE I have come up against nothing but brick walls from relatives, family members, countless professional organizations that touch on the subject of child sexaul abuse and .....well the list goes on. I started trying to do this when I was 26 years old and now I am 47 years old. From what I have seen there has been little progress in the fight for childs sexaul safety and the actual numbers seem to be growing at an alarming rate.

So....How do we address this issue to actually bring the numbers down?

For me I wrote a letter to the main person who sexaully abused me. I told him of all my memories starting when I was only months old to when I was 16 years old. The only thing that letter did was have the majority of my relitives turn their backs on me. I do come from a very large family and most of them have not spoken to me in over 20 years! OUCH.

But they just don't think clearly about this. What if someone sent you a letter stating they remember you doing X, Y and Z to them when you babysat them? There were memories of a certian building you took them to and details of what happened there. There was a room in the house you grew up in that an inappropriote sexual act took place. What if there were 10 pages of detailed memories of you and all of your involvement? If you were not a part of any of it how do you think you would react? With the letter I sent, the report I got is that the man I wrote this letter to cried for a very long time. It was reported back to me that no one had seen this man cry more than when he read my letter. If this man was not involved in all that I wrote I do not believe he would have cried at all! He would have, if he was a loving person try to get me some professional help and get to the bottem of my personal problems. But with that letter it uncovered a double life that he didn't want to deal with. It thrust into this persons face all the abuse that he inflicted over an almost 16 year period. Everything that happened was in a very quiet, hidden place and it still is! It turns out that I am the bad guy in all this and now I have to struggle to get people in my life that I can CALL family as my own family is not there.

I believe there is a great deal more sexual abuse out there than any "expert" would have any idea about. If you believe you are an expert in the field of child sexual abuse I would welcome an open discussion with you.

Question: How many people does it take to protect a phedophile?

Answer: How many family members does he/she have?

Question: How many people does it take to abandon a survivor of child sexual abuse?

Answer: How many relative does he/she have?

I truly belive this to be the case.

The people that need to be reached are the people who do not investigate fully what a child or young adult remembers. From what I know and what happened to me, the majority of people remember their abuse in their mid twenties. I remembered when I was 26 years old. When I wrote to my sexual abuser all I asked is if he still had the urge to sexually abuse children now and if he would just be honest with me. Honesty, thats all I asked for. I didn't want to bring the police into it. I didn't call lawyers, how could I prove it anyway? My abusers reaction to my letter pretty much proved it to me already but again when all his family saw the hurt and pain he was in...case closed. I was the evil one! I did contact my sisters and told them I would not trust him to watch their children. From what I know they did trust him and his wife. I do not know if he "got after them" as well. Only time will tell if this family legacy is continued.

I would like people to ask themselves, "What do you know?/ How do you feel about Child Sexual Abuse?"

Write it all down and reread what you have written.

Ask yourself also about pedophiles.

Again, "What do you know?/ How do you feel about pedophiles?

What would you do if a person came to you and confided that they had been sexually abused?

If a person DID come to you...answer this.

What did you do when a person DID come to you and confided that they had been sexually abused?

From what I know and from personal experiece speaking with others who were sexually abused the majority of people who seek out help from family are turned away and often times cut off on all levels. It sounds like a crazy statistic but I am part of the crowd turned away.

What if sexual actions upon a child were learned? I belive in most cases this is what happens. What if we just trace back to where that occured in the life of the person who now is attracted to children? Find the common denominater and trace it back as far as you can. Find out if the person in question is still attracted to children and seek out treatment. I belive that the majority of sexual preditors continue the cycle so that cycle has to stop. Regarding the main person who molested me, I was not interested in legal action. I was wanting to learn what happend to him. What could I do to help him address his past and ensure that this cycle stops with me and my trying to ADDRESS CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE.