Saturday, February 25, 2012

Mutual Dissociation

Dissociation (in the wide sense of the word) is an act of disuniting or separating a complex object into parts.

This is the definition from Wikipedia.

I was thinking of this word and how throughout my own journey of recovery of incest and child sexual abuse that this is what is happening with my relatives. The law of "equal and opposite" applies here and it only makes sense. Who are the people who will be there for my relatives? I mean that sincerely. The real question is do they realize they are in this kind of situation? They do not. They believe that I have some kind of mental impairment.

There is an amazing show on television right now. It is called "The Big Bang Theory". One character, Sheldon, has an ongoing catch phrase. "I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested!" I love the show and I love that line! I want it to apply to me. I want to be tested. I want to know if there are brain scans to detect trauma to the body and if they can pin point at what age the person was when the trauma occurred. I believe that if there was a way to detect such things that it would match up to the detailed description of my own personal story of infancy and childhood.

There is a little nitch that families have for every person in their family. It's not that it's really black and white, it's much more complicated than that. When a person is violated at such a young age they, I did anyway, followed what the majority of young people did in order to blend in. I found that I was not like the other children. I did not know why. I buried each violation right away. Everyone saw me blending in. Some may have suspected that something was amiss but back then, child sexual abuse was rarely spoken of and was much more "in the closet". When I realized in my mid twenties why I was so different I started back on a long journey of really knowing who I was and who I have grown into being. I busted out of that little nitch that so many saw me in. From that young age everyone projects what you will grow into being. The thought that I would grow into being a survivor of incest and child sexual abuse was certainly Not What Anyone Expected or will ever accept.

Or will ever accept. I think that is how my mother will be. Most people see my mother and blame me for her broken heart. My fathers actions and it is my fault with the chain of events!

It is a hard pill to swallow but it is explained in the Gnostic Tradition that even though there may not be justice, when we get to the other side, Heaven, there Will be Justice.

Until there is some kind of communication to have an open discussion, I would think a moderator is in line, there will be two factions who keep fighting and pushing at each other. Each time I send out an olive branch it appears that it is chewed up and spit back at me.

*Brain Storm

I will let you know.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Family Photo With Mother Under Drape




I know nothing about this photo other then that someone collected a series of these type of pictures. They were called "Hidden Mothers". I got to thinking, what if she is someone who just wanted to disappear? This is a common trait with people who have been sexually molested. If that is the case, what happened to the children in the picture? Did the family tradition continue?

Friday, February 10, 2012

Gnostics Unite

In the Gnostic tradition we believe that we choose our path. We choose every last detail of our chart of life and if we go through a rough time we know that for some reason we have taken part in the choices. There are "best case scenarios" and some times you find yourself in "the worst case scenarios" kind of like what I am involved in now. I do not believe that it is important to share any of the details here as I do not want to bore you! I sometimes vent to God and I am sure they, He and She can handle it. It is not a sin. They love you Unconditionally.

I am not very savvy about the law, but I am venturing out. I have recently gone to a law library. I felt rather intimidated but I began to feel more brave as well. It was liberating. I looked up "incest" in the computer catalogue just to see what I would find.

I found a booklet about state by state laws regarding incest. I found it all kind of stupid. I mean to say that while a certain act in criminal in one state and not in another? I just do not understand that. As I search out and explore more about the law, I am sure to come across some kind of expert whom I can ask in person. I can not wait to find out what an expert will say! I am smiling to myself thinking they might just say, "It's just a STUPID LAW!"

At what point will the government step in in the case of an epidemic? Why can we not just pass a law about, "The truth between two people". I have often heard about the law that you are not forced to testify against yourself. It kind of seems to stop dead in its tracks the simple act of following one of the 10 commandments.

I have heard that that it is difficult to prove abandonment.

In the Gnostic faith we believe that we can not "blame" anyone for anything as everything we experience is what we have chosen to experience. We can not "blame" them but we can say I "attribute" this to ****** * ************. I attribute my sexual molestation to the person who inflicted them upon me. My birth father. A man who has a great deal of power over his family, my relatives.

I do not know the statistics of how many families claim that the person who comes forward to try to address child sexual abuse is mentally impaired. That is the case with me. The part where my family/relation are clever/cruel is that they do not answer a direct question. "Do you think I am mentally impaired?" If there was a public statement made to that affect I would think there would be a way to take someone to court, such as my father/molester and we would take all the relevant tests to show if someone is lying and if someone is mentally impaired. The truth between two people.

How many Gnostics have been tossed under the bus? What if we all gathered to together to file a lawsuit against our families about abandonment? I heard Oprah (no last name needed) recently asked people to stop hiding child molesters within their own families. I have written her a few emails about this very issue. With the tone of some of my emails I think they refer to me as "Angry Guy". But if you are not angry, you are not paying attention.

Gnostics who have been tossed under the bus, think about uniting. Thanks.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

I Couldn't Cry When Daddy Died/* THIS BOOK WAS PRINTED AND SOLD WITHOUT THE AUTHORS AUTHORIZATION!

The title of this post is not about me. Yet. This is the title of the latest incest biography that I am reading. I tried to contact the printer to post something that I read in this book. I could not reach that company. I looked up the author online and found her.
Her name is Iris Galey. I got an email back from her, in fact 4 or 5 emails. They were somewhat frantic as she told me she HAD NO IDEA HER BOOK WAS BEING PRINTED AND SOLD IN THE USA! I have been doing some research for her to try to track down the person or people who have been stealing from Iris Galey. She did give me permission to repost what I had read in her book. The words were from a teacher of hers. I found the words very profound and thought they would help many others. The teacher wrote down 10 things. I am going to write these words out for myself. Here is what that teacher wrote.



1. I am a unique, valuable person. Every person is.
2. I should never compare myself to other. I am me.
3. I must learn to love and accept myself.
4. If I can't love myself, I can't love others.
5. My attitude towards life, makes life.
6. I must learn to live in the present.
7. To learn to know myself is the greatest art and honesty.
8. Out of every death new life grows.
9. I am part of everyone. Everyone is part of me.
10. I have a teacher and friend who believes in me.

Ivo van Landers


When I read these words, I found great comfort in their message. Over the years I have had teachers who were friends who believed in me. I would venture to say that Ivo van Landers would probably not mind if you thought of him as a friend and that these words are for any person who needs to feel better about themselves and to move forward with their own healing.

As for the business of printing this book without permission, it saddens me that the author has been violated again in a different way. If you have any knowledge of this book in your community please contact me with any and all information of where you found the book and where it may continue to be sold. I found the copy of this book at a library in Minneapolis.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

A Second Broken Heart

I keep thinking of how my father/molester blamed me for my mothers broken heart. Anger does not begin to express how I feel about that. As far as that broken heart my mother has experienced, I know how it feels as it happened to me as an infant and child and more than once. If you look at this logically you have to realize that this HAS to be true. The law that "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction" shows clearly that this is how it played out.

My mother has refused all forms of communication with me after I visited her in rehab after her stroke. My sisters have refused to "friend" me on Facebook. Every relative I have reached out to with phone calls and emails has refused to speak with me or communicate at all about the issue of incest. Tough crowd! It looks as if they are as a group, trying to "break my heart", to show me how it feels as they all have seen the result of a broken heart with my mother. When I was an infant and young child I got lost in the shuffle. I clearly remember being put on the swing as an infant and being too exhausted from trauma to act as "I should".
I remember having heavy eyes and a straight lipped face as I hung my little head and slowing shook it in a "no". That was at a lovely city park in my home town of 12,000 people. I remember crying a great deal and more so, having been forced to stop crying. So when a person is forced to stop crying and you swallow all that trauma you sink lower and lower. I remember having cold sores on my upper lip. Sometimes the sores covered my entire upper lip like a mustache. Then there was the period that I would only speak in a whisper. I also had panic attacks which eventually put me in the hospital in the psych ward in my late teens. In all of these instances I was sometimes comforted but most of the time I was just told to, "Get over it!" I often heard, "Oh, for pity sakes!" "Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about!" Did my mother know that she was only putting salt on a wound? No, she did not. With my father/molester he is a Gemini so that helps with his duality.

The actions of my relatives to try to break my heart, to show me what I have done to my mother is NEVER going to work. During the period of my broken hearts, how close a bond do you think was able to be made with anyone?!? Let me tell you, NOT MUCH. The interpretation of these people is completely off the mark. What of my father?!? It really is a rational thought that if my father/molester was so innocent, wouldn't he have a broken heart? He certainly is quick to find fault in my actions to blame me for my mothers heart. He would have certainly complained and blamed me for "his" broken heart as well! That did not happen as he does not have a broken heart. The need for a molester to hide transcends the love a father has for his son. That is in my case anyway. I would believe that I am not alone.

Many years ago an aunt told me how she had been felt up by an uncle of hers. This is something she told me after I confided to her about my survival of incest. This was to tell me that the best way to deal with this is to be quiet about it. Being felt up and having experienced child molestation from infancy to the forth grade do not compare. At what point do we "just be quiet"? You were only felt up. Hand under sweater, over bra. Hand down pants and inserted a finger in an orifice. He only put his penis in your mouth one time. He only raped you two times. What do we just let slide? What is acceptable to most relatives of incest survivors? I will have to send this post to the aunt in question. I will let you know what happens. If you have read any of my words I think you know the outcome.