A Sexual Abuse Survivor is Always at The Scene Of the Crime

The scene of the crime has always been about the location, as in the address or building.  It occurs to me that being the survivor of sexual abuse, you are always at the scene of the crime.    Your body is your house.  The vehicle that houses your Soul.  This makes things very complicated.


                                                                    Uncounted Survivor




                                                                   

Dear Uncle in Bloomer Wisconsin

Dear Uncle In Bloomer Wisconsin,

I have tried for over 25 years to address child sexual abuse and incest in my paternal family.  The majority of what I experienced is from your brother, Robert and when I was gang raped [by mouth] in your farm house by Peter [the baby sitter and his friends].
They got me drunk and high and passed me around.  I had a near death experience there and I chose to come back.  I had a "parting gift" in the form of Oral Gonorrhea.  I was 4 years old.

I wonder if you remember a guy named Peter?  All I know is that he was the baby sitter and he invited many people over to sexually molest me.  I have all the details chronicled at the beginning of this blog.

It is called Every Survivors Story Is Different.

I count myself one of the many people who applaud you in your recovery regarding alcohol.

I wonder if maybe Peter was one of your drinking buddies.  I wonder if maybe you might have been impaired in your judgment of Peters ability to be a good choice in being in my and my 2 year old brothers care.  Do you know Peter yet today?  If you do, I suggest you contact the police as he is most likely contenting to molest children unless he has been caught before this letter.

I contacted the people of AA and asked them about one of the 12 steps.  The step was #8.

This was the kind response from the people of AA.

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Hi  XXX,

I am so sorry to hear what you have experience in your life. I cannot imagine the journey your experiences have taken you on.  A.A.’s Twelve Steps are a group of principles, spiritual in their nature, which, if practiced as a way of life, can expel the obsession to drink and enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole.

The program of A.A. is a personal choice and a personal journey. They are there to guide us, but it is up to each individual how they work with them.
I believe only that person involved in the 8th step can answer that question.

I pray you find resolve and peace for yourself.

In Service
Gail Stenger
Office Manager

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[continuing letter to Uncle in Bloomer]

I do not blame you or anyone else in this world for anything I have experienced or ever Will experience  as I am a Gnostic Christian and believe that I have chosen everything I will experience.  The only thing I want to stress is that basic accountability is all I have ever asked for.  I am sorry but I believe that your father got after both Robert and Alice.  I stayed with Alice in Milwaukee and there are actions that tell me that she is a survivor as well.  One trigger for her is Frank Sinatra era music.  She is fine with it if is is Without the Vocals.  Instrumentals are what she listens to.  I feel sad for her because, sometimes people do not do the work.
Lastly there are ripples in the waters of what I experienced.

I have tried to speak with Alice about this for years.  She will not speak to me.  I have tried the same amount of years to speak with my parents.  They have shut me out and refused me on many levels.  I am now asking you to step up and show me some kind of family loyalty.

Without a Firm Example Of Family Loyalty From You, I Can Not Promise To Continue To Have Family Loyalty To You And Yours.


*I do not have my name on my blog as yet, and I have not as yet revealed my birth name.  So I can not sign this letter.  That is why you have received a notice in the mail to read your letter here.

No Respect For My Father, I Am Not The Bad Guy, I am The Survivor

I have been thinking how my father and I were at cross roads all our lives.

I am understanding and believing a fundamental statement about child sexual abuse, and that is...

Child sexual abuse is not about sex but more about Control.  My birth father is the most controlling person I have ever met.

I was thinking how the rug was pulled out from under me at 3 separate occasions.  I lived in three different houses in my early life.  An upstairs apartment of a duplex.  The downstairs apartment of a duplex and a 3 bedroom house with full basement.  I felt safe in each house when I was first brought to it but when the molestation began I would once again feel unsafe and I just never developed very strong relations with my siblings or my mother.

Each time my father got a better job or a raise or better hours or over time he began to save and we moved to a bigger nicer place.  Each was a promotion and there were celebrations.  Each place was safe for a short time and then he was having me orally serve him.  I was completely disrespectful of my father over and over as these celebrations were happening.  That's what it looked like to the public.  I was the bad guy.  They could not see the violations of my mouth.  It was very traumatic throughout my childhood and often times my entire upper lip would break out with cold sores.  I of course could never remember the abuses as I was sometimes asleep and sometimes I would just burry the experience as I could not deal with it all.  I just did not understand.  These were not what a child could understand.

I recently came upon a gift I got from my father.  It was on a camping trip.  My father and a close friend of his and I and another young person went to a genealogy store and we each got a special gift.  This was on a scouting trip.  I was really dazed the day we went into this store and I barely remember anything other than the bare details of the outline of the weekend.

This is part of my shattered story that I do not believe I will be able to ever remember, unless I go to a hypnotist.   There are some very wise people, therapists mostly, who have said that you only remember
the abuses when you are able to deal with what happened.   You may need to have counseling with a therapist who fits for you.  They help put things into perspective and will hopefully help you "weed your garden" and put the pieces back together.

In many things there may be "triggers" in life that will affect an incest or sexual abuse survivor.  For me the initial trigger was an aggressive stance from a former room mate.  For some reason I have crossed paths with people who want to control me in order to be in my life.  Am I searching these types out?
I was going to buy a tv/vcr set from a former roommate and I chose not to buy it as I could not afford it.
This former room mate stood on a futon bed to get height on me in a very intimidating way and proceeded to start pushing me around and raising their voice.  I began having flashes of the abuse as I could feel heightened emotions from the intimidation from this former room mate.  I must have been feeling this as an infant.  I was 27 when these strong flashbacks and  emotions surfaced.