I Started A Tribe As Another Way To Network

http://tribes.tribe.net/childsexabuseblog

If you are uncomfortable to have your name attached to your story, there are ways to do this anonymously.   The most important thing is to not believe you are alone in your survival and that no one cares because you are Never Alone and even though you may find friends or family who are not up to being there for you at this time, you Must reach out to someone else.  Reach out to find professional counseling.  There are many places that allow you to pay on a sliding scale.

My first post on the tribe is the PSA mini iMovie.  The second post is the repost of the story of what I survived in the hope that others will share their stories and explain the steps that they are taking to heal.
Lets all heal together.

Public Service Announcement for This Blog / Please Copy and Post This Video!

                                                                       
                                                                   

This [below] is the description tagged with the PSA video. 

address child sexual abuse @ blog spot (dot) com

This Public Service Announcement is to direct traffic to my blog about
survival of incest and child sexual abuse.   I am looking to network with
 other survivors, open a discussion about ways to heal and move forward
 and ultimately bring an end to child sexual abuse.

Address child sexual abuse as you would a math problem.
Get to the root of the problem and address it from there.

Use the 3 A's approach.   Assess.  Be Accountable.  Take Action.

Assess the issue honestly when someone comes forward who say they were molested.

Be Accountable and work together if the molester is your relative.  Know that the
urges to have sex/intimate experiences with an infant or child are natural as this is
unfortunately a "part of nature".  But know that No Child Is Able To Deal With The
Very Complex Emotions or Physical and Mental Damage You Inflict On Them.
Even if the infant or child is sleeping!   Were pedophiles themselves molested?

Take Action!  Most survivors stories did not happen over night and there is no quick fix.

It's like "emotional hoarding" and you have to unleash the memories to really heal.  For
the "family" who does not believe their daughter, son, nephew or niece was molested,
"The Past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited or erased; it can only be ACCEPTED."

Jerry Sandusky

Mixed thoughts for the results of the Gerry Sandusky trial.  

You would think that I would be completely thrilled that Gerry Sandusky will most likely be sent to jail for the rest of his life.  There is a sense of justice for the survivors of course but I like to think of all the people involved and I next think of the wife.  If there were just a way to detect and address the urges that some have before any sexual actions took place, then there would be less heart ache for the women involved.  I have recently read that Gerry and his wife had a number of foster children and one came forward saying that Gerry Sandusky had molested him as a child.  

My parents sat my 3 siblings and I down many years ago when we were not quite teenagers and told us that if we ever got ourselves in any kind of legal trouble that they would not do anything to protect us.  If we crossed any boundaries in any law that they would have the police take us away. 

I guess that my parents should have had the same talk addressed to them.  Mostly of course that talk would have been directed to my father/molester.

Curious how Gerry Sandusky's title in football may be a very compelling prediction of what is happening.   It is a known fact that prisoners do not like pedophiles/predators.  Unless Gerry Sandusky is protected he just may get it "in the end".  

Emotional Preservation

I was thinking of self preservation today and if I do not know the "book learned" knowledge of how it works I look it up online.  What I found was http://www.halecollege.com/3-methods-emotional-preservation.

I read and learned a little about, Blocking, Masking and Embracing.  

I am sure that every human being at one point in there life or another has used all of these methods of self preservation.  I feel that we all must try to do more Embracing.  By far that would be the most difficult to do but they always say there is strength in numbers.  What if we all faced the most difficult things together?   We have all seen this happen with natural disasters, why have we not seen this when speaking of child sexual abuse?  My thought is because it is a more emotional subject.  What if there was a more in depth study and application of Emotional Preservation as it applies to incest and child sexual abuse?  

With working on this blog, trying desperately to learn iMovie for the PSA for this blog and working a full time job while trying to have some semblance of a social life to stay sane, for now I will have to put 

the task of researching how emotional preservation applies to child sexual abuse on the back burner.  There are priorities I have before I drop everything to focus this research.

So there you have it.  Isn't that in part what happens when a family first hears about the subject of incest or child sexual abuse in their own relation?  The priority is the family unit and to lose one person, the person who was sexually molested or jeopardize the family unit as a whole, is essentially what happens to many when the family unit tosses the survivor under the bus.  

“... and to every action there is always an equal and opposite or contrary, reaction...”
― Isaac Newton

How does this Isaac Newton quote compare to the following epic poem? 

                                              "Solitude," by Ella Wheeler Wilcox (1850 - 1919).




Laugh, and the world laughs with you: 
Weep, and you weep alone; 
For the sad old earth 
Must borrow its mirth, 
It has trouble enough of its own.



Sing, and the hills will answer; 
Sigh, it is lost on the air; 
The echoes bound 
To a joyful sound, 
But shrink from voicing care.



Rejoice, and men will seek you; 
Grieve, and they turn and go; 
They want full measure 
Of all your pleasure, 
But they do not want your woe.



Be glad, and your friends are many; 
Be sad, and you lose them all; 
There are none to decline 
Your nectared wine, 
But alone you must drink life's gall.



Feast, and your halls are crowded; 
Fast, and the world goes by; 
Succeed and give, 
And it helps you live, 
But it cannot help you die.



There is room in the halls of pleasure 
For a long and lordly train; 
But one by one 
We must all file on 
Through the narrow aisles of pain.


         And then there is the less eloquent view of how to look at things with the "He Who Smelt It Page. 
http://werbach.com/stuff/smelt.html

HE WHO SMELT IT, DEALT IT.
He who denied it, supplied it.He who deduced it, produced it. He who attributed it, distributed it. He who detected it, projected it. He who perceived it, conceived it. He who expressed it, compressed it. He who related it, deflated it. He who protested it, foam-crested it. He who derided it, provided it. He who maligned it, designed it. He who smelled it, expelled it. He who opined it, refined it. He who rued it, brewed it. He who revealed it, peeled it. He who quipped it, ripped it. He who knew it, blew it. He who reported it, exported it. He who decoyed it, deployed it. He who averred it, disinterred it. He who eschewed it, spewed it.(Submitted by Stephen High) He who mocked it, knocked it.(Submitted by Robert Spoelker) He who tells of it, smells of it it.(Submitted by Robert Spoelker) He who spoke it, broke it.(Submitted by Jessica Zirkel) He who disclaimed it, enflamed it.(Submitted by Geoff Knaak) He who noted it, floated it.(Submitted by Mr. Jimmy)	He who said it, shed it.(Submitted by W.J. Tifft)He who relayed it, made it.(Submitted by W.J. Tifft) He who thought it, wrought it.(Submitted by Keith Davis) He who unearthed it, birthed it.(Submitted by Barry T. Smith) He who sensed it, dispensed it.(Submitted by Arthur Jackson) He who sensed it, commenced it.(Submitted by Jordan Peterson) He who spoke it, broke it.(Submitted by Jim Daley) He who disputed it, tooted it.(Submitted by Rick Robinson) He who squeaked it, cheeked it.(Submitted by Tim Culpepper) He who berated it, created it.(Submitted by anonymous) He who sensed it, dispensed it.(Submitted by Jim McDonnel) He who spurned it, burned it.(Submitted by Brucie) He who noted it, floated it.(Submitted by Ken Olstad) He who declared it, aired it.(Submitted by Brian Mitchell) He who blurted it, squirted it.(Submitted by Bret Madden) He who speaks it, reeks it.(Submitted by W.J. Tifft) He who spurned it, burned it.(Submitted by W.J. Tifft) He who committed it, emitted it.(Submitted by Sir k0sm0) He who shunned it, tail-gunned it.(Submitted by Check Jones) He who rebuked it, nuked it.(Submitted by Chuck Jones) He who hyped it, piped it.(Submitted by Chuck Jones) He who blamed it, flamed it.(Submitted by Matt)He who exposed it, composed it.(Submitted by Tracy Wright) He who relayed it, sprayed it.(Submitted by W.J. Tifft)He who damned it, grand-slammed it.(Submitted by Chuck Jones)

Not all of these apply but many do. 

Isn't one "movement" away from "he who smelt it, a load of CRAP?" 

Why can't we embrace the issues of child sexual abuse together; cry together and then move on? 


I have thought of another way of looking at addressing child sexual abuse in regards to this poem. 
What if we would say......


He or she who shared it, (shared the responsibility of speaking the truth about our connection to incest and child sexual abuse)  Spared It!  (We could spare the heart ache this will cause if Not Addressed)   Heart ache for the little boys and girls who will be molested.  Remember, RAINN reports that there are 6 million incidents of child molestation and only 80,000 are reported.   We would also spare the heart ache of the mothers who would never believe that their husband would do anything sexual with their own child.   


Are you a part of the 5,000,020,000 who are not counted?  

Send This Survey Out To All Appropriate People And Organizations

What do you know about Child Sexual Abuse?

How do you feel about Child Sexual Abuse?

What would you do [if someone you know and/or love came to you] and told you they had been molested?

What have you done [when someone you know/love] told you they had been molested?



I have written about the parameters of a questionnaire that I have used in the past but I feel that I may have been over-thinking this too much.  I am going to just streamline this.



We need to use the 3 A's to address child sexual abuse.



We need to Assess where we are.

We need to be Accountable.

We need to take Action!


Stop hiding pedophiles.  If you are not a part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

I Have Not Sent The Card To My Aunt And Uncle...... Went to A Family Reunion Today

I reluctantly went to a family reunion today.  I should have known better [than to feel reluctant] because this is my mothers side of the family.  The family I went to see could not have been more warm and loving!   I have always been closer to that side, most likely because the sexual abuse was on the other side of the family.     Again, no blame no shame.  As a Gnostic, we believe we have made these choices.  The only shame I could see there to be is the shame in not having the back-bone to really address the issue of child sexual abuse.  It IS a Family Cancer.  Sorry if that is harsh.  It is what I believe.   But again.....we believe that when we reach the other side, we ourselves judge our actions, as we are a spark of the Devine: The Mother AND Father GOD.  

I went to an art supply store to find some wonderful canvas paper that you can use in home printers.  They offer this kind of print at drug stores but you can easily and more affordably do this at home.   Anyway, I printed off a nice photo of myself and a friend I did volunteer work with for a number of years and even sprayed the canvas photo with a glossy finish.  It is still in my car in a nice presentation with finished card-stock paper and matching envelope.  I am reluctant to send it.  The people I am sending it to are from what I know very conservative, right wing Republicans and Very Homophobic or at least the church they belong to sanctions and promotes bigotry.  Now remember that this is there "God inspired" church.   God is absolutely PERFECT!  There CAN NOT BE ANY BIGOTRY AT ALL~!  THAT WOULD NOT BE PERFECT~!  

I always think back to what Dr. Phil has said.  From what I understand of what Dr.Phil has said, The people in question should always investigate and try every means of reconnecting and being a valid and supportive part of each others lives before there is any kind of complete separation and ultimate divorce.

With the wonderful experience today and with what has happened for the last 20 years from my fathers side of the family it is time to send the letter and let the chips fall where they may.

It would be a healthy thing in my life that I make public and declare that I will not be a part of any FAMILY member who does not accept me for the survivor that I AM!

All of the people I speak of are to my knowledge; wonderful, completely loving, supportive and completely caring to all of their family and friends and most, if not all would give you the shirt off their back if you needed it more. Prejudices  and other judgment calls are learned from past mistakes others have made.  Remember, Judge Not, Lest Yea be Judged!

I am about to send the letter to my Aunt and Uncle in Mora, Mn.  Let us all say a prayer.   And thank you.



*I did send the card and letter to my Aunt and Uncle.  I am not going to hold my breath for a response for a response.

A Wounded Animal/ Funny Animal Stories

I once was involved with rescuing animals that were about to be "put down".   A few friends of mine would find people to adopt the animal in question or find a no-kill animal shelter.  One animal was a
terrier who was rescued from a puppy mill.   A friend of mine wanted to adopt the animal but could not care for her because of health reasons so we found her a home with a lovely black woman who had many grandchildren.  This dog did not know how to play.  The poor animal was kept in a small box and used to breed litter after litter to be sold.  The dog had no socialization.  The poor animal also had a front leg that had been broken and untended so it permanently healed in a crooked manor.  The little dog was very sweet.  You would think she would be bitter and snarl and bite because of such cruelty.  All the dog wanted was contact.  The dog would walk/limp up to you and lay down on part of your leg or roll on its back to have her tummy rubbed.  All the animal wanted was love.

I was thinking of this little animal today, wondering how she and the lovely family who adopted her were.
I was thinking that there are many animals including human who only want and need what that little dog
wanted.  Of course we need a little socialization mixed in there too!

Not to end on a downer......I am going to share a few funny animal stories.


The first story is about a no kill animal shelter.  A friend of mine and I had worked with this shelter before and I am not even sure how the dog in question ended up at this shelter but....

It was a herding dog that was brought to this shelter.  There were many dogs and cats and they all got along very well.  One day the owner of this shelter came home from work and could not find ANY of the cats.  She looked on the main floor and then upstairs and still no sign of any cats.  When she went to the basement she found that the new herding dog had gathered all the cats into the corner of the basement.  The dog had not harmed any of them but would not let any of them leave.

Another story:

There is a lovely woman I know who has a menagerie of animals.  She has dogs, cats, birds and who know's what else!  She got a call at work one late night when she was at her office.  The call was from her neighbor who called to say, "I'm not sure what is going on, but all the lights at your house are going off and on."  My friend thanked her neighbor and hung up the phone.  When my friend went home to investigate she found that the dogs discovered that their barking triggered "The Clapper" light devise and were having lots of fun with their new found control!

The Past Cannot Be Changed, Only Accepted

                                            I LOVE this Message!
                                     
                                            This is what I want from my family.
   
                                            The dictionary defines "relative" as, a person who is                                       
                                   connected with another or others by blood or marriage. 

                                   The dictionary defines "family" as a basic social unit consisting of 
                                   parents and their children, considered as a group, whether 
                                   dwelling together or not: the traditional family.
    
                                                          The way I look at it:  A relative is a person you is Related To You. 
                                                          Family are people, related or not who choose to be a part of your life and give you 
                                                          unconditional love, support and acceptance! 
    
                                                           
       
                                                           


                                                          
                                                          
                                            

                                 
                                   
                 
                                                                       
                                             

Global Statistical Map of Views of This Blog

This is a map showing the areas of the world where people are looking at my blog.  

             
                                            I appreciate all who are concerned about this epidemic.

For some reason the counter on this blog disappeared for a month and now it is back.   The last time I looked the counter read 714, however in the stats, (in the guts of this blog) it says that the numbers are just at 1,400.  I can't figure it out.  Anyone know about blog counters?

NO BLAME NO SHAME/ A LETTER TO AN AUNT AND UNCLE

I was very taken aback when I heard that you wanted to hear from me or have me stop and visit.  At nearly 50 years old, the usual reception I have received from so many is less than stellar. 

I hear most of my news from the west coast where my mothers brother lives.

I would not doubt that you heard about the group letter I wrote to my mothers side of the family.  In that letter I “came out” as it were about being sexually molested.   No one responded.  I wrote another letter.  No one responded.   In part of my healing I changed my name.   

I am a strong person but I could not carry the name of my molester.   Prior to writing the blog I was involved with public speaking for 15 years during the time I was a caregiver for a friend.   I did conservatively 1,200 talks with him at colleges, grade schools, half way homes, nursing homes and convents.  Many about social justice (GLBT issues) and many of the talks were good touch/bad touch issues for the younger crowds. 

I spent the better part of 20 years trying to speak with Alice about addressing this epidemic and the paternal relations involvement in it and she absolutely refused.  I have to step back now.  I want to say that I just don’t care, but that is not true.  Nobody spends 20 years trying to address this serious issue without really caring.   But I have to step back.  I believe I know now why she will not speak of this subject.    I have no doubt that she herself was molested, as was Robert. 

I have done quite a study about this for the last 20 years.  There is a Documentary called, “Incest, A Family Tragedy”.    Notice it is not called “A Personal Tragedy” but from what I have seen there is a very low percentage of “families” willing to step up and really be proactive or supportive in any way.  Quite the contrary.   What usually happens and continues to happen with me is that people will shut me out. 

People will abandon you.  People will change the subject.  People will give you the cold shoulder.  People will stand back and allow the next child go to the slaughter!  Think I am being melodramatic?  I don’t think so.  Take a look at the details of my survival from blog posting titled, “Each Survivors Story Is Different” dated 2/4/10.   There are many who fare worse than me.   Think about your grandchildren before you dismiss me.  *Even if you decide to have nothing to do with me, because of the sexual orientation issue, please be proactive for the sake of your grandchildren.  

I tried to speak with my father on a one on one basis.  All I ever wanted to do was ask what happened to him.  I wanted to just address the issue.  I never called the police and never filed any kind of report.  He refused to speak with me one on one. 

I spoke with your sister, the pastor’s wife about child sexual abuse and she was helpful to begin with and confirmed the name of a man I know to be a sex offender.  Then she abruptly disappeared from my life. 

I saw Jo-Jo at The Renaissance Festival in Minneapolis and I went up to hug her.  I was in position where she did not see who was grabbing her to give her a big loving hug.  When she realized who I was she recoiled in complete iciness. 

I warned my sisters about what our father did to me and that he should not be trusted around young children.  This was around the time they began having children.  They will not have anything to do with me.   They will not answer emails I have sent and will not “friend me” on Facebook. 

I saw my older sister in my home town at a park when we both were there for a former neighbors 70^th birthday party.  I tried to hug her and she poked me in the side and pushed me away.   She has blocked me on Facebook.

I sent an email to the pastor and he did not answer the email.

In every instance that I have reached out to any relative, it has been just a complete waste of time. 

I was sexually molested for the first almost 9 years of my life.  I did not grow up feeling any kind of love on any regular basis as I lived in an unsafe house.   

It’s really sad to say but if I never see my mother or father again it wouldn’t matter too much.  I would morn the loss of ever having the chance to have had a mother or father but nothing more.  To explain in another perspective, it’s like searching for many years trying to find your parents and family (the process of healing you go through) and then when you finally grow into whom you are supposed to be, your parents and entire family reject you.  In all the years I was growing up, other than physically, I really was not there.

I have researched and have a posting about the actual stages of a broken heart.  It is a proven thing and there are precise stages to a broken heart.  I know of those stages as I went through that more than once.   The posting on this blog is dated, December 1, 2011.  It is titled, “Anatomy Of A Heartbreak/Continuing Cycle”. 

I am very angry that I am the one being blamed for my mothers broken heart.  If I am guilty of this, my father/molester is equally guilty.  

Gnostics believe that we choose to come to this earth to experience for God and to test our spirituality, to learn from each other and teach each other.    We sit with our spirit guide and decide all the details of what we need to learn from when we are on this earth that is really HELL!   I have the blessing/curse of knowing this as I remember going through the process.  I remember conversations with my spirit guide before I was incarnated into this life.  So…I cannot use the word “blame”.  I can use the word attribute, as the memories I have had ARE NOT FALSE MEMORIES!   

For a much more in-depth detail of Gnostic beliefs please visit this website.

http://www.novus.org/home/contact.cfm   I am not fishing for recruits. 

One of the first things they always say in the Gnostic Church is, “Take what you want and leave the rest”  There are no pushy tactics with this faith.

There is a saying that I first heard when I was at your lovely home years ago when I was almost a teenager.  It was, “No Blame, No Shame”.  I do not remember what the conversation that I overheard was about but that little saying really struck a cord with me.   I am sure you remember much better than I about what people used to think about cancer.  It was a shameful thing and you Never spoke of it.  It was kept secret.   Wasn’t it the same about alcoholism?  And here we are all very proud of Lee.

Dr. Phil gives the advice to married couples who are thinking of divorce to do everything they can to mend the relationship before they make any hasty decision to actually follow through with a divorce. 

Sister Lucy wrote a letter to me once saying, "You can't divorce your family."  I am not sure that this is true.  The legal divorce I do not know about.  What I can do is walk away from a group of people who refuse to support me.  I can wash my hands of a people who for now want me to jump through hoops but will not tell me what those hoops are.  I am speaking here of the people in Wisconsin who will not answer any of my letters or phone calls.   I can be happy with family or happy if my relatives choose to not be a part of my life.  

This letter I feel may be a last attempt to try to begin some kind of path to reintegrating into the family or I will forever think of you and the rest as "relatives".  So where do we go from here?   I think that a moderator who has some expertise in the field of child sexual abuse would be in order.


One thing I want to make sure you understand about this experience I had in my infancy and young childhood is that I did not grow up without love.    I grew up without FEELING loved.   This was because I grew up in what was for me an unsafe house and I did not trust at all.  That experience is very important to understand because the issue about cause and effect clearly explains how I know what it was like for my mother to go through the horrible time of having a broken heart.  I want through that at a very young age.  My heart always hurt and when I complained about it I was told it was growing pains.

I have the thought that some people in my relation will say, "Oh, he has too much baggage to have anything to do with."  I certainly know that I am not alone with this particular situation.  There are hundreds of thousands of survivors who must edit out their lives in order to be a part of a family where most likely if child sexual abuse is not address will Continue!  And the cycle goes on and on......

Should I contact Dr.Phil for the reintegration?  I am sure he is a busy man but I will do what I can to continue to have some kind of family.

You may have seen that I Did go to a family reunion from my mothers side of the family.   If you take the stance as many on my fathers side have this letter may be a "swan song" as far as me trying to have anything to do with the paternal side of the family.   I WILL have some semblance of a family if you choose to not be a part of my life.

One thing I will pass on to you Aunt and Uncle, from the words that I heard, your brother is in a severe state of depression.  The last step I took to help this man was to contact the family priest  from my youth and ask him to visit him.  I do not know if that visit took place.  I am not aware of any steps that the paternal side of the family is taking to help him.  You might want to check in on him and seek out some professional to get him some meds if needed to help with his depression.


*  This is a letter in progress to an aunt and uncle of mine who told another aunt of mine….the former nun, to have me contact them.  I am sending them a nice card and inviting them to see their letter here.