Saturday, January 23, 2010

WE NEED TO REACH THE PEOPLE WHO PROTECT PEDOPHILES

I do not know the origin of the thinking of "Not in My House" as in child sexual abuse would never happen in my home. When I confided to the matriarch of my family, a very educated woman, school teacher and former religious the immediate response was, "Oh, I don't believe it!"
That was the extent of the conversation as far as she was concerned. I tried to speak to her about it for I really don't know how many months untill she just refused to speak to me at all. That was somewhere around 20 years ago. I knew a man who was heavily involved in the Catholic Church and from what he told me, "Denay Everything; Admit Nothing!" was the standard taught to all who were brides of Christ all the way up to the Pope. I think that is in part the reason I was shut out.

There were many questions for my aunt, the teacher and former nun.

"Didn't you take a vow to protect children when you were a nun?"
"Did anyone in the many years when you were a teacher come to you to confide that they had been molested by a trusted family friend or their own father?" What did you do when that happened?
"Why would your brother cry as he did if all of my memories were made up or something that I read somewhere? (I was told that I must have read all about different cases about child sexual abuse and just pinned my father to the story.)
What would all the people who looked up to you and revered you think if they found out that you would choose to protect a pedophile while turning your back on a survivor of child sexual abuse?
Why choose ignorance? A teacher who chose ignorance to me was the lowest thing a teacher, or former teacher could do. So....Why do people choose ignorance? I think it is much easier than the alternative.

The aunt in question went into the convent when she was 12 years old. She was following her sister who was 13 years old. The 13 year old felt she had a calling. I certainly was not around then but I have often wondered if there might have been some sexual abuse going on in the family way back then. The aunt in question was a nun for 20 years before finding the courage to leave. It was very frowned upon to leave the convent and I have heard some horrible stories from two different women the how cruel a number of the older nuns were. I was happy for her to find that courage but disappointed that she coward when I needed her most of all. I at one time had a very wonderful relationship with her and she is one of the reasons that I in fact survived my childhood. That is why it hurt all the more when one of the most supportive women I knew turned her back on me. To me it's shocking to this day.

How do we help people find the courage to support both the pedophile and the survivor?


Friday, January 22, 2010

Address Child Sexual Abuse

I come from a Catholic backround but knew early on that that religion was not for me. I struggled for many years and searched out many paths to spirituality. I found that with all my questions the majority could be answered through a church of Gnositic Christianity. Gnostics believe that we choose our lessons before we come to this earthly plane and I know that for a fact because I remember going through the process. We all have to remember that GOD is perfect. There is a saying that states that "God does not give you more than you can handle". I do not believe that to be true. It gives us a the ability to blame God for what we are going through. NOT TRUE. We have to be accountable for everything in our lives because WE chose this. It SOUNDS crazy but as I said I remember the process. Why would anyone choose to be sexually abused? For one thing I have chalenged myself to work this all out through spirituality. For another reason and I believe this to be the key......What better way is there to understand what it is all about and ADDRESS IT than to experience it first hand. Now comes the diffecult part. In the many years that I have tried to ADDRESS CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE I have come up against nothing but brick walls from relatives, family members, countless professional organizations that touch on the subject of child sexaul abuse and .....well the list goes on. I started trying to do this when I was 26 years old and now I am 47 years old. From what I have seen there has been little progress in the fight for childs sexaul safety and the actual numbers seem to be growing at an alarming rate.

So....How do we address this issue to actually bring the numbers down?

For me I wrote a letter to the main person who sexaully abused me. I told him of all my memories starting when I was only months old to when I was 16 years old. The only thing that letter did was have the majority of my relitives turn their backs on me. I do come from a very large family and most of them have not spoken to me in over 20 years! OUCH.
But they just don't think clearly about this. What if someone sent you a letter stating they remember you doing X, Y and Z to them when you babysat them? There were memories of a certian building you took them to and details of what happened there. There was a room in the house you grew up in that an inappropriote sexual act took place. What if there were 10 pages of detailed memories of you and all of your involvement? If you were not a part of any of it how do you think you would react? With the letter I sent, the report I got is that the man I wrote this letter to cried for a very long time. It was reported back to me that no one had seen this man cry more than when he read my letter. If this man was not involved in all that I wrote I do not believe he would have cried at all! He would have, if he was a loving person try to get me some professional help and get to the bottem of my personal problems. But with that letter it uncovered a double life that he didn't want to deal with. It thrust into this persons face all the abuse that he inflicted over an almost 16 year period. Everything that happened was in a very quiet, hidden place and it still is! It turns out that I am the bad guy in all this and now I have to struggle to get people in my life that I can CALL family as my own family is not there.

I believe there is a great deal more sexual abuse out there than any "expert" would have any idea about. If you believe you are an expert in the field of child sexual abuse I would welcome an open discussion with you.

Question: How many people does it take to protect a phedophile?
Answer: How many family members does he/she have?

Question: How many people does it take to abandon a survivor of child sexual abuse?
Answer: How many relative does he/she have?

I truly belive this to be the case.

The people that need to be reached are the people who do not investigate fully what a child or young adult remembers. From what I know and what happened to me, the majority of people remember their abuse in their mid twenties. I remembered when I was 26 years old. When I wrote to my sexual abuser all I asked is if he still had the urge to sexually abuse children now and if he would just be honest with me. Honesty, thats all I asked for. I didn't want to bring the police into it. I didn't call lawyers, how could I prove it anyway? My abusers reaction to my letter pretty much proved it to me already but again when all his family saw the hurt and pain he was in...case closed. I was the evil one! I did contact my sisters and told them I would not trust him to watch their children. From what I know they did trust him and his wife. I do not know if he "got after them" as well. Only time will tell if this family legacy is continued.

I would like people to ask themselves, "What do you know?/ How do you feel about Child Sexual Abuse?"

Write it all down and reread what you have written.

Ask yourself also about pedophiles.

Again, "What do you know?/ How do you feel about pedophiles?

What would you do if a person came to you and confided that they had been sexually abused?

If a person DID come to you...answer this.

What did you do when a person DID come to you and confided that they had been sexually abused?

From what I know and from personal experiece speaking with others who were sexually abused the majority of people who seek out help from family are turned away and often times cut off on all levels. It sounds like a crazy statistic but I am part of the crowd turned away.

What if sexual actions upon a child were learned? I belive in most cases this is what happens. What if we just trace back to where that occured in the life of the person who now is attracted to children? Find the common denominater and trace it back as far as you can. Find out if the person in question is still attracted to children and seek out treatment. I belive that the majority of sexual preditors continue the cycle so that cycle has to stop. Regarding the main person who molested me, I was not interested in legal action. I was wanting to learn what happend to him. What could I do to help him address his past and ensure that this cycle stops with me and my trying to ADDRESS CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE.