A Support Group/ Star Trek Voyager Wisdom

Over the years I have searched out support for my survival and I was always looking for some kind of group therapy.

I saw a variety of therapists, some more fitted to my needs than others but I was always interested in joining a group of survivors to see at what point others were with there level of survival.    I joined such a group and have gone to the meetings twice so far.  The first meeting I was very late due to traffic.  30 minutes late.  I sized up the group pretty quickly.  The two moderators are there.

 I feel I did not make a good impression on them as I always challenge at what stage this world has addressed child sexual abuse and if we have been noticing and addressing this issue for [      ]  years........I honestly believe we should be farther along than we are at!

There were 2 monitors and 4 survivors.  There was one man who was for the most part falling asleep.  I feel that he was the least advanced at the acceptance and the dealing with the issues around child sexual abuse and incest.  I was glad the man felt safe enough to find some much needed rest.  He felt safe so his body shut down as it needed sleep.   There were two people who were very engaging.  Eager to voice their opinions with the guidance of the two monitors.  There was one man who spoke sometimes.

I feel I am most likely the farthest along with all the steps I have taken from the time I was 27 years old, when I first began having memories of the abuse.  I am 51 years old now.   That is certainly not a judgment call on the other people in the group.  When I joined this group I certainly want to be a viable
contributing, supporting member of this survivals group.  I am there to applaud and encourage my fellow survivors of the next steps they and I will take to be as fully functional and be part of community as I have encouraged many times.

I truly believe that messages can come to us in many different forms.  We just need to be open to them.

I was watching Star Trek Voyager.  It was really good writing and I took the message for myself and want to pass it along here as I believe it is very relevant.

A crew member had been violated,  the details are not important to this story..........

The therapist in the story told the crew member who was violated that their thoughts were a turbulent ocean.  You need to rise above them.  The therapist went on to say, You must allow yourself sufficient time.  Do Not attempt to deny the emotional impact of your experience.  (I want to extrapolate here to include physical and spiritual experience)  Or the damage it did to every aspect of your existence.

*The survivor states, "How can I worry about my own well being when so may people have suffered and died"  (Here I will state that the ripples of the effects of child sexual abuse and incest run deep and long)

The therapist reiterates, "You are not responsible for their actions!"

The survivor, "With my closest friends and family, how can I go back to my normal life as if nothing ever happened?!?

The therapist replies, "You Can Not!"

The therapist continues, "This experience will force you to adapt.  You are no longer the same person,
and the course of your life will change as a result.  Where that new course leads is up to you.

No Respect For My Father, I Am Not The Bad Guy, I am The Survivor

I have been thinking how my father and I were at cross roads all our lives.

I am understanding and believing a fundamental statement about child sexual abuse, and that is...

Child sexual abuse is not about sex but more about Control.  My birth father is the most controlling person I have ever met.

I was thinking how the rug was pulled out from under me at 3 separate occasions.  I lived in three different houses in my early life.  An upstairs apartment of a duplex.  The downstairs apartment of a duplex and a 3 bedroom house with full basement.  I felt safe in each house when I was first brought to it but when the molestation began I would once again feel unsafe and I just never developed very strong relations with my siblings or my mother.

Each time my father got a better job or a raise or better hours or over time he began to save and we moved to a bigger nicer place.  Each was a promotion and there were celebrations.  Each place was safe for a short time and then he was having me orally serve him.  I was completely disrespectful of my father over and over as these celebrations were happening.  That's what it looked like to the public.  I was the bad guy.  They could not see the violations of my mouth.  It was very traumatic throughout my childhood and often times my entire upper lip would break out with cold sores.  I of course could never remember the abuses as I was sometimes asleep and sometimes I would just burry the experience as I could not deal with it all.  I just did not understand.  These were not what a child could understand.

I recently came upon a gift I got from my father.  It was on a camping trip.  My father and a close friend of his and I and another young person went to a genealogy store and we each got a special gift.  This was on a scouting trip.  I was really dazed the day we went into this store and I barely remember anything other than the bare details of the outline of the weekend.

This is part of my shattered story that I do not believe I will be able to ever remember, unless I go to a hypnotist.   There are some very wise people, therapists mostly, who have said that you only remember
the abuses when you are able to deal with what happened.   You may need to have counseling with a therapist who fits for you.  They help put things into perspective and will hopefully help you "weed your garden" and put the pieces back together.

In many things there may be "triggers" in life that will affect an incest or sexual abuse survivor.  For me the initial trigger was an aggressive stance from a former room mate.  For some reason I have crossed paths with people who want to control me in order to be in my life.  Am I searching these types out?
I was going to buy a tv/vcr set from a former roommate and I chose not to buy it as I could not afford it.
This former room mate stood on a futon bed to get height on me in a very intimidating way and proceeded to start pushing me around and raising their voice.  I began having flashes of the abuse as I could feel heightened emotions from the intimidation from this former room mate.  I must have been feeling this as an infant.  I was 27 when these strong flashbacks and  emotions surfaced.