A Sexual Abuse Survivor is Always at The Scene Of the Crime

The scene of the crime has always been about the location, as in the address or building.  It occurs to me that being the survivor of sexual abuse, you are always at the scene of the crime.    Your body is your house.  The vehicle that houses your Soul.  This makes things very complicated.


                                                                    Uncounted Survivor




                                                                   

Letter To Family Priest [a work in progress]

I am writing you in a time of dire need for my family.  Over the years I have done 15 years of public speaking about my survival of child sexual abuse and incest.  I have tried for over 20 years of speaking with my family about my survival to no avail and in the last 3.5 years I have blogged and most recently I have a Facebook page.

As you can see I am doing my part about Addressing Child Sexual Abuse.

I am sure you are aware of the difficulties that many churches are dealing with in our fight to prevent and address the needs of the survivors of child sexual abuse as well as the unfortunate men who are attracted to infants and children in a controlling sexual way.  As it stands now, for some reason I have found that the majority of support and empathy somehow comes to land in the lap of the predator or child molester.

Coming from the stand point of the survivor I thing it might be just so much more easy to
toss the survivor under the bus as has happened with me.  That is unfortunate but I have grown much more spiritual as a result so I do look at the bright side of things!

The reason I am writing to you in this time of family crisis is that after 20 years I really do need to tell my story and come out as a child sexual abuse survivor.  It is a logical step in my healing and recovery and with my knowledge and insight about new ways to address this issue I am sure that We will make great strides in combatting this epidemic.  I am giving my family every opportunity to join in this discussion about family health and I am asking you to join in as well.  I am sure that we can all agree that this Is an epidemic and we are all concerned or we all should be seeing that I am a survivor of incest from the [___________] family.  After so many years of showing and having respect and family loyalties to the [__________] family I think it is time for my family to show me as much respect and loyalty that I have shown them.  That is only fair.

*A work in progress.  I am thinking it might even be a template for others to do a Group Coming Out.
There would be portions of the script that other survivors would change to suit what they have done for the cause or personal struggles that you have survived that some may have witnessed that would be relevant to you….but use as much text as you would like.  Once I have the full text clarified I will do a boost on Facebook.

I do appreciate anyone checking in and please contact me if you want to share your story of survival or if you want to brainstorm about how to address these issues or if you need a shoulder.

Please Take Care.

Strength in Numbers? / What's The Matter, Pedophile Got Your Tongue?

We have all heard it said many times before.  There is strength in numbers.

I have my doubts.  

In many ways, many who have been beaten down and conditioned due to age, gender, sexual orientation, color etc., often do not have the strength, power or knowledge to stand up for themselves.

Many do not come forward because they fear the reaction by friends and family.  Will they be supported?  Will they be rejected?  Will they have friends or family after they confront the abuse?  

The matriarch of my paternal family is a woman who I know was sexually molested.  She joined the convent when she was 8.  This was many years ago and times were different.  So……first off I think while she said she had a calling, I believe she had a means of escape.  Her older sister had a true calling even though she was only 9 years old.  The older sister was a nun for I believe around 70 years until her death due to cancer.  The younger sister was a nun for 20 years.  She left and was a revered teacher for many years.  I once visited her when I was 16 years old or so.  I stayed for a long weekend.  She had a very nice stereo system and I changed the station to what was the same music but it was with vocals. It was the music of Frank Sinatra and that era.  Same music but my aunt would only listen to the instrumentals.   I was camped out in her spare room of her condo and she came in and seemed quite agitated.   She asked me if I could change the music back to what she had before.  I said I would and that was the end of that.  When I first began having memories of her brother being my pedophile she refused to speak about it.  NEVER.  Direct questions, answers to something I did not ask.  Brick Wall. 

From what little I have witnesses I am sure that she was a survivor before me.  But……..A pedophiles got her tongue.  There is just no speaking with people who refuse to speak with me.  She silenced her music and she silenced herself.  She is now 81 years old.  

There has been a long silence from my family in retaliation to my having to step back when I had no support in a volunteer project I was involved in.  Unfortunately the project lasted 20 years.  While it was sad that there was that long a separation from my mother, since I did not bond with her due to the molestation of my pedophile, I have for the last 5 years tried to reconnect with my "mother".  I call her by her first name as I did not bond with her.  She will not call me by a nickname she gave me or my new chosen name.  Bones of contention.  Basic respect is what I ask for.  Jumping through hoops is what is seemingly expected.  And of course I can not jump through the hoops when they are not presented to me.  

A friend of mine told me about an attack in Loring Park, MN many years ago.  It was an attack on gay men with baseball bats.  The two who had bats where greatly outnumbered but the gay men all ran away and did not try to defend themselves.  Had they been beaten down verbally, or physically before? 

Did they not have the means or support in the past?  

We have come a long way in some places and we need to come a lot farther in others.  

The numbers of child sexual abuse cases / incest survivors is staggering.   The number of people involved in the websites dealing with this epidemic seems to be a fairly high number but the people really speaking out about this epidemic is relatively small.  

I have tried to speak with my "family" for over 20 years about what I have survived and what was and most likely is still a part of the paternal side of my family and the next logical step is to come out.  

I will give them every opportunity to show their family support to me or I see no reason to continue to show them my family support to and for them.  

Tick Tock.

I will inform all parties (all family members) of my intention for family health and invite them to join in the discussion.   Would you join in a family discussion about sexual abuse in your family?!?

JUDGE NOT LEST YE BE JUDGED!

*Whats The Matter?  Pedophile Got Your Tongue?!?   

Private Chat on Facebook with a Male Cousin

Me: Hey Cousin,  How are you?  Just wondering if you could get me Doris's address.  Thanks.










[Doris was an Aunt]

Cousin: 
Hi! Things are well. How about for you? 
About Doris though, she passed away a few years ago.











Me: 
I am in (Mid-West City) and am about to begin marketing my art work……other than that I am working to make a living….. but I do have 3 day weekends at this point so that is good……    I asked about Doris as I must have seen her Double a few days ago.  There was a beautiful well dressed woman whom I could have Sworn was Doris.  As I am not on the best of terms with many (Paternal Family) right now……. I did not cross that path.  But………  This woman looked exactly like Doris.











Cousin: 
Best of luck with your artwork. What mediums do you use? I'm certainly no artist, but I enjoyed art so much in college that I have a great appreciation for those with such gifts.
Yes, I'm aware of your falling out with your family. That isn't something I can relate to . . . And I'm blessed to have my family. I'm sure its a difficult situation for you and your family both. I'll pray for you and them both.










December 8, 2014

Me: As for the "falling out"…..there was not a falling out……there was incest for 10 years from my father…he also involved me in child porn…….then there was the time I was gang raped by mouth on the paternal farm in  Bloomer, WI. where I had a near death experience and had oral gonnoreah as a parting gift….there were also a few priests….and other various molestation I survived……  and the only way I can be a part of most of the [paternal family] lives is if I pretend it didn't happen.  I spoke publicly for 15 years about this and I have a blog I have written in for the last almost 3 years.  It's all about abandonment from the [paternal family]………They are not my favorite people.   It would be interesting to hear what if any details you have heard.  Mostly I thing there is the ongoing lie that I have mental impairments.











Cousin: 
I apologize for stating it as a "falling out." That probably appeared to be making light of the whole ordeal,  but please know that from my perspective I only saw my cousin no longer speaking to his family and his family no longer speaking to their son. 
I haven't heard any details. From my perspective my mother was the only of that side of the family with any, albeit minimal, contact. 
The events that you describe are terrible,  and I don't want to make light of it. 
It would be ok to speak about your family, but maybe not write about it. We could get coffee over Christmas if you like . . . But don't feel obligated.












Me: 
No apology needed.  Coffee over Christmas would be great.










Seen Dec 8

*I copied and pasted this conversation with my cousin from Facebook.  There was one part of the conversation that upon re-reading did not make it here.  When I explained to this cousin I had done 15 years of public speaking about social justice and incest survival my cousin thought that was good but my cousin objected when I told him I was also writing a blog for almost 4 years.  It is unfortunate that there are generations of hiding pedophiles.  I should not judge but I am saddened that it looks as if my paternal side of the family were in charge of dealing with pedophile priests, they would most likely just
relocate them as the Catholic Church did for years.  

*I did not see my cousin on Facebook during the Christmas Holiday and there was no communication from him to have the coffee.  I still enjoyed coffee and was grateful!

I hope you all had a Joyous Holiday and Celebrated the Birth of Christ.

A Kind and Healing Response From healingfromsexualabuse.com

Dear Readers,  I have made comments on many websites and articles I read on the internet.
I rarely get any follow up mention or response but the following response from Amy Marschak very much warmed my heart.

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I am very sorry to hear that that happened to you.  Many people who are
survivors of sexual abuse feel like orphans, especially if their family
abused them in any way or if their family did not protect them.  If a
family protects the abuser they are not real family.  Real families love
and protect their children.  Siblings brought up in an unhealthy family
can also learn to become or support perpetrators or they can realize
that they want to be kind people and choose kindness and protecting
other children.

I wrote a post with some ideas on how to be your own parent called
"Surviving Mother's Day and the Holidays" at
http://www.healingfromsexualabuse.com/ideas-for-healing-from-abuse/surviving-mothers-day-and-the-holidays/

Also if you have not recently reached out to heal more you can try
calling 1-800-656-HOPE and get connected to your local rape crisis
center.  I write this because even though you had a terrible family of
origin does not mean that you need to feel like an orphan for the rest
of your life.  If you feel supported by the hotline, that is great, if
not hang up and try again later or reach out to other resources.  Keep
reaching out until you feel so supported in your life and so great in
your life that you no longer feel like an orphan.

You might also want to check out http://malesurvivor.org/ they also have
a conference coming up at the end of this month.  No one needs to deal
with sexual abuse alone.

Feel free to write back with any questions, updates or successes, it
helps give hope to other survivors.

Sincerely,

Amy Marschak

healingfromsexualabuse.com

Thank you Amy for such healing words of advice.  How very kind you are.  

I have this posting to show that reaching out and networking really do pay off.  You need to be connected with others and reach out to people such as Amy Marschak!    

A Letter To My Mother, From File # 13

Dear Eileen,

I remember the day I lost you, for the 3rd time.  I was only around 2.5 years old.  The memory is that we would sometimes take a little afternoon nap.  We would curl up and fall fast asleep and when I woke up you were gone after having put me down for my nap in a most loving way.  I felt your love so many times up until the time your husband began putting his dick in my mouth.

And the next time you wanted to lay down with me I got up and began to cry as I walked away very confused as to why it didn't feel the same and the only reason why is that, Now the house was unsafe and you were not to be trusted as you trusted and went along with almost everything your husband wanted and demanded.

But wait theres more!  This was the 3rd house we all lived in and some form of molestation happened in each house.   He pulled the rug out from under me so many times.  He had everyone eating out of the palm of his hands and doing the "Molly Coddle" thing.  And while sometimes I have felt great pain and anger at this I mostly feel really sad for you.  The only thing I asked of him was honesty with me.  Just tell me what happened to you and lets address this issue of child sexual abuse and incest in the
____________ Family.  And now he is playing the poor damaged disrespected father.

And the Academy Award goes to…….

I know all of the emotions that you have gone through with not having me around.  I know because I experienced all of those same emotions when my safety was taken away from me for the 3rd time at the age of 2.5 years old.  And when I was gang raped and had a near death experience at age 4 years old while receiving the parting gift of oral gonorrhea….well lets just say…that didn't help!

In order to be a part of your life it seems I have to publicly profess to having a mental impairment.  The other option is that we sit down with some trained therapists to discuss and address the real issues…Not the ones you have made up.

At some point we all take responsibility of who we are and where we are in life.  I believe I have done that.  I wish you well on your journey of self accountability.  I wish the same for your husband, my molester.

Lets just Sign Me,

File #13

Dear Uncle in Bloomer Wisconsin

Dear Uncle In Bloomer Wisconsin,

I have tried for over 25 years to address child sexual abuse and incest in my paternal family.  The majority of what I experienced is from your brother, Robert and when I was gang raped [by mouth] in your farm house by Peter [the baby sitter and his friends].
They got me drunk and high and passed me around.  I had a near death experience there and I chose to come back.  I had a "parting gift" in the form of Oral Gonorrhea.  I was 4 years old.

I wonder if you remember a guy named Peter?  All I know is that he was the baby sitter and he invited many people over to sexually molest me.  I have all the details chronicled at the beginning of this blog.

It is called Every Survivors Story Is Different.

I count myself one of the many people who applaud you in your recovery regarding alcohol.

I wonder if maybe Peter was one of your drinking buddies.  I wonder if maybe you might have been impaired in your judgment of Peters ability to be a good choice in being in my and my 2 year old brothers care.  Do you know Peter yet today?  If you do, I suggest you contact the police as he is most likely contenting to molest children unless he has been caught before this letter.

I contacted the people of AA and asked them about one of the 12 steps.  The step was #8.

This was the kind response from the people of AA.

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Hi  XXX,

I am so sorry to hear what you have experience in your life. I cannot imagine the journey your experiences have taken you on.  A.A.’s Twelve Steps are a group of principles, spiritual in their nature, which, if practiced as a way of life, can expel the obsession to drink and enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole.

The program of A.A. is a personal choice and a personal journey. They are there to guide us, but it is up to each individual how they work with them.
I believe only that person involved in the 8th step can answer that question.

I pray you find resolve and peace for yourself.

In Service
Gail Stenger
Office Manager

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[continuing letter to Uncle in Bloomer]

I do not blame you or anyone else in this world for anything I have experienced or ever Will experience  as I am a Gnostic Christian and believe that I have chosen everything I will experience.  The only thing I want to stress is that basic accountability is all I have ever asked for.  I am sorry but I believe that your father got after both Robert and Alice.  I stayed with Alice in Milwaukee and there are actions that tell me that she is a survivor as well.  One trigger for her is Frank Sinatra era music.  She is fine with it if is is Without the Vocals.  Instrumentals are what she listens to.  I feel sad for her because, sometimes people do not do the work.
Lastly there are ripples in the waters of what I experienced.

I have tried to speak with Alice about this for years.  She will not speak to me.  I have tried the same amount of years to speak with my parents.  They have shut me out and refused me on many levels.  I am now asking you to step up and show me some kind of family loyalty.

Without a Firm Example Of Family Loyalty From You, I Can Not Promise To Continue To Have Family Loyalty To You And Yours.


*I do not have my name on my blog as yet, and I have not as yet revealed my birth name.  So I can not sign this letter.  That is why you have received a notice in the mail to read your letter here.

See If There Are Registered Child Sexual Offenders In Your Area

I was curious about my hometown and registered child sex abuse offenders.  I came upon this site where you can put in your zip code and find out who to watch out for.  I am always looking out for the safety of children.  I often see children alone who by my standards should not be out by themselves.


One memory that comes to mind is that I was in a friends neighborhood and saw a child barely able to walk on his own wandering around in front of a duplex.  I took the hand of the child and asked where his parents were.  He pointed to the side of the house and we walked around and found his mother in the kitchen towards the back of the house.  I explained I was visiting a friend in the area and did not think the little guy should be out by himself.  She thanked me profusely and told me she thought the little guy was with her husband who apparently had just left in his car.  Thats the only part of the story I got.   In the time that the husband left to the time I came along many horrible things could have happened to this child.  I am grateful that I was there at the right time.

The web address to check out to be on the watch for predators is:   http://www.offendex.com/

I suggest that you check this out for your own neighborhood or even to places your family might visit.
Where ever you go with children is the place you should check out.

There are so many rules as to where a sex offender can live that it is increasingly difficult to house them.  They have to be a certain distance from any school or daycare.  There has to be notifications to residents living in the area.  Each state or community has different restrictions.

In my search I found 94 child sex offenders from the zip code of the house I grew up in.

http://www.offendex.com/