When my father involved me in child porn it was somewhere around 1965. I clearly remember my father speaking with the photographer before our "photo shoot" and the photographer was saying that there would be no touching. After a short talk between my birth father and the photographer my birth father left. I did ask my father in a letter where he went and what he was doing. I suspect he was involved in something sexual with someone in the building but that is only speculation. This was in the basement of a professional building in the down town of where I grew up. There were at least 15-20 children in the basement all nude and playing with different sized kicker balls. The photographer was standing behind a camera on a tripod and there was some kind of black cloth to cover his face like an old camera would have but in this case I believe it was there so no one would be able to recognize him. The town I grew up in has usually had a population around 12,000-13,000 people. If you have read my previous post of my memory of child sexual abuse you know I did not stick around long. I knew this was not right and I was not going to have any part of it. I was going to spend some quality time with my father as this was our time together! I am not even sure how many photos he took of me. I would say there are not many but I did for a short time play with the balls and toss them to other little nude children as instructed. After a short time I gathered up my clothes and walked out the door. I went to the right and walked down the hall to windowed door at the end of the hall and went outside. I sat nude on the single step at the back door with my clothes folded on my lap. There was a small hedge on either side of the door and I could hear the traffic to my right from a busy one way road. I was not there long before my father came out the back door in a hurried panic and asked me if anyone had touched me. I gave him an honest no response. He took me and my clothes to the side of the building away from traffic and dressed me. I was happy that we were now going to have our time together! No so. We left and went right home. He was very angry with me. Keep in mind that this was around 1965. I do not know if there is a way to track down the child porn that did happen that day. I did email the police in my home town to ask if they had any cases of child porn that were older. I do not remember much about the room itself but I do remember large rectangle windows near the top of the walls. They had metal frames. I believe they surrounded the room.
When I was 18 and experimenting with my sexuality I did meet one man who had a house along a river in a nearby college town. He showed me some child porn. I did not look at it for very long and when he noticed my discomfort he took the photos away from me and put them in a top drawer and closed it. I do not think they were from my memories of the basement. All I remember of the photos were naked children and panelled walls. That was in 1981.
I came across some statistics of child porn from an article in a local news paper about a lawyer seeking out and prosecuting people who download and distribute child porn. These are the statistics.
* Size of the online child-porn industry: Multi billions of dollars
* Increase in the number of images online from 1997 to 2003: 1,500 percent
* Number of reports of child pornography from 1998 through April 2009: 594,000
* Number of children whose abuse has been recorded by pornographers in the U.S. alone: More than 1 million
* The vast majority of child-pornography crimes are never prosecuted.
* Quote from a child-pornography victim: "When I was a little girl, and when I was being photographed and raped, I used to try to send messages with my eyes down the lens and hoped that one day a good person might see and come to help us."
I have no idea if there in a continuation of child porn in my home town but I would venture to say given the statistics that there is. There is nothing set up in my small home town as far as an organization to address child sexual abuse. In the college town nearby they do have some programs. I believe if an abuse is not addressed that it will grow. I did recently cut and past my original posting of my memories of child pornography and sent them by email to the small town where I grew up and suggested that they get something in place. I suggested they get in touch with the people in the college town to get assistance. I further suggested they involve some people from a bigger city who have more experience. The email I sent was unanswered.
I sent by email to my families Matriarch a copy of an article about a man who was recently convicted of raping and murdering two young teenagers. In my email I urged her to reconsider her stance about her continued silence of the sexual abuse that I know was a part of my infancy and childhood and the possibility of it continuing with my father. I told her in my email that her inaction leads to more action of a sexually abusive way to more children. I did not receive a response from that email.
The Matriarch in my family was a teacher and former religious! People in all walks of life can choose ignorance. It is more sad when a person of this back round makes this choice. She did tell me in an email that most of her childhood was blocked out. I have no doubt that this family legacy will continue.
Remember.....Inaction will lead to more child sexual abuse.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
A Response from A Doctor of Psychology
Thank you for contacting me and for the comments about our site!
I visited your blog! I think it is very helpful! Only tips I would recommend (many survivors contact me with how they would like to help in the fight to reduce/eliminate sexual abuse) is to develop a core outline, with just a few main goals, for your efforts...this way it stays clear and precise, and it helps to enlist professionals and others and for them to see what the goals are...on occasions, some of the survivors I work with still have a lot of pain and anger toward the offender, and family members..and even though they really want to help agencies/public/people, their pain serves as a major distraction
For example, if a survivor had a main goal of reducing child sexual abuse...then developed a few good objectives....maybe a pilot type program in the school system...where all kids would be "screened" for sexual abuse during 3rd grade, 6th grade, and 10th grade....but in a non evasive fashion (so it doesn't upset parents)......and if the person worked on implemented such a program....or awareness...or holding the non offending parents accountable as well..or public speaking!
Keep up the great work!!!
This is an email I received from a Doctor in Psychology I wrote to and asked if he would take a look at my blog and respond with any advice. He was kind to respond. I am not including his name as I have not asked if I could do so.
While I love the advice he gave I am frustrated (as usual) that there is not a set way to go even beyond his advice. What about stopping the abuse before it starts? The suggestion is to set up "screenings" in a non evasive fashion as to not upset the parents. What if one of the parents is the problem? What if the wife is one of the many who would never believe that her husband would ever touch their child in a sexual way? While screening is a great idea, for me it seems like that is too late. It is not too late to stop what may be happening but it is too late to stop abuse from even starting.
I have often thought that there should be a human sexuality class that teaches us about our bodies and even our sexuality. I do not know exactly when that class should be in place but I would suggest it be starting around 6th grade. It would be a class that explain the body changes that we all go through but it would also approach the attractions we begin to have. There should be a clear explanation as to the different sexualities that there are. Heterosexuality, bisexuality, homosexuality transgender and all the lesser known sexualities that exist. When students get to 7th or 8th grade there should also be a chapter discussing attractions to younger people and talk about the statistics of the percentages of child molesters. There should be but there is not. I think my next step is to set up meetings with human sexuality teachers.
Anger is a Distraction.
I am told from this Doctor of Psychology that my anger is a distraction. I can not argue with that. How does one address child sexual abuse without anger? Are we not showing our sanity by showing anger? When we ask basic questions to the people who profess to be addressing child sexual abuse and there are seemingly no answers given, does that not provoke anger? I do not know how to walk on egg shells to ask the questions that need to be answered. I do not know how to do that and I do not know how others do it.
When I ask questions that are not answered it is frustrating and I get angry. When I look to the U.S. Government website about child sexual abuse it shows statistics but not much more and when I read to the bottom of the page it states that the site is inactive and is no longer updated. This should make anyone who is interested in addressing child sexual abuse angry. How do we harness that anger and be proactive and really make a difference in bringing the numbers of children molested down and finally bring an end to child sexual abuse? I do not have the answers.....and apparently the people I have contacted do not know either.
I visited your blog! I think it is very helpful! Only tips I would recommend (many survivors contact me with how they would like to help in the fight to reduce/eliminate sexual abuse) is to develop a core outline, with just a few main goals, for your efforts...this way it stays clear and precise, and it helps to enlist professionals and others and for them to see what the goals are...on occasions, some of the survivors I work with still have a lot of pain and anger toward the offender, and family members..and even though they really want to help agencies/public/people, their pain serves as a major distraction
For example, if a survivor had a main goal of reducing child sexual abuse...then developed a few good objectives....maybe a pilot type program in the school system...where all kids would be "screened" for sexual abuse during 3rd grade, 6th grade, and 10th grade....but in a non evasive fashion (so it doesn't upset parents)......and if the person worked on implemented such a program....or awareness...or holding the non offending parents accountable as well..or public speaking!
Keep up the great work!!!
This is an email I received from a Doctor in Psychology I wrote to and asked if he would take a look at my blog and respond with any advice. He was kind to respond. I am not including his name as I have not asked if I could do so.
While I love the advice he gave I am frustrated (as usual) that there is not a set way to go even beyond his advice. What about stopping the abuse before it starts? The suggestion is to set up "screenings" in a non evasive fashion as to not upset the parents. What if one of the parents is the problem? What if the wife is one of the many who would never believe that her husband would ever touch their child in a sexual way? While screening is a great idea, for me it seems like that is too late. It is not too late to stop what may be happening but it is too late to stop abuse from even starting.
I have often thought that there should be a human sexuality class that teaches us about our bodies and even our sexuality. I do not know exactly when that class should be in place but I would suggest it be starting around 6th grade. It would be a class that explain the body changes that we all go through but it would also approach the attractions we begin to have. There should be a clear explanation as to the different sexualities that there are. Heterosexuality, bisexuality, homosexuality transgender and all the lesser known sexualities that exist. When students get to 7th or 8th grade there should also be a chapter discussing attractions to younger people and talk about the statistics of the percentages of child molesters. There should be but there is not. I think my next step is to set up meetings with human sexuality teachers.
Anger is a Distraction.
I am told from this Doctor of Psychology that my anger is a distraction. I can not argue with that. How does one address child sexual abuse without anger? Are we not showing our sanity by showing anger? When we ask basic questions to the people who profess to be addressing child sexual abuse and there are seemingly no answers given, does that not provoke anger? I do not know how to walk on egg shells to ask the questions that need to be answered. I do not know how to do that and I do not know how others do it.
When I ask questions that are not answered it is frustrating and I get angry. When I look to the U.S. Government website about child sexual abuse it shows statistics but not much more and when I read to the bottom of the page it states that the site is inactive and is no longer updated. This should make anyone who is interested in addressing child sexual abuse angry. How do we harness that anger and be proactive and really make a difference in bringing the numbers of children molested down and finally bring an end to child sexual abuse? I do not have the answers.....and apparently the people I have contacted do not know either.
Friday, May 14, 2010
We Need to Diagnose Where we are in Addressing Child Sexual Abuse.
I keep getting emails from RAINN. (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) The last email was proclaiming that giving a donation was a perfect gift to give in your mothers name! I did write back and thanked them in a sarcastic way saying...For Mom? Great! That's the person who married my pedophile! The perfect gift for me is to just have you answer my many emails to you! I have written them many times and have yet to reach anyone who can or is willing to give me concrete answers to basic straightforward questions. For me it is all about the solutions. I have also encouraged the people of RAINN that there should be a forum on their site to brainstorm with all people concerned about how to actually address the issues about child sexual abuse and bring the numbers down! I would love to give my advise as to how this can be done but how can I do that when I do not know what is being done right now? It's like if someone in that organization went to a mechanic, drove up, got out of their car and told them to "fix it" without looking under the hood! The mechanic gets no explanation as to what the car sounds like or if the car "pulls" to one side or the other. The driver just says, "fix it". I don't care how experienced that mechanic is......he or she will never get the job done. So where does that leave me or anyone interested in addressing this issue? It leaves us in the dark. I really do wonder why my emails are not answered. I have asked these people from many organizations very nicely if they could have an open communication with me as to brainstorm about the issues and I get very little back. Once I reach out to many of these organizations I get emails saying I should send them money to them to help in the fight! Well.....does anyone who sends them money get an explanation as to where that money is being used? Do they find out then what the process is as to how they are addressing this issue? I think that is the next step. I will send them an email and tell them I will send them money if they can explain what exactly they do to address the issue and how they approach pedophiles. Is there a set way to deal with the issue or is it all just guess work? How has the process changed over the years and if those processes have not worked are you continuing them or are you trying anything else? We need to diagnose before we proceed in addressing child sexual abuse.
Friday, May 7, 2010
A Letter To the Matriarch of the Family/ How I Feel my Family/Relation See Me
Date of Email:Thu, April 29, 2010 11:25:48 AM
Subject of Email:Calling your sister
To: My Aunt
Hi XXXXX,
I appreciate that you said you would ask your sister XXXXXXX about the family friend named Peter the next time you spoke with her.
I wonder however when that might be and question what would it be for you just make that call.
I wonder what you meant when you said you were happy that I was moving on. In no way did I say that I was "moving on". What I said was that I was moving forward
even though I have found little support from so many people in my life. There is a big difference. I am concerned when it sounds as if you have blocked out
so much in your life. I wonder what exactly you have blocked out and if you understand what that means.
Do you think that I need to "move on" and not continue to try to get people back in my life? Would you ever Skype with me and a therapist to delve into a family legacy
I know to be fact? It would mean so much to me. Maybe it would help you to unlock some hidden things that really need to be addressed. I am only thinking of the
health and welfare of the family.
I know that the man named Peter who was a long time family friend is a predator. Predators have a way of latching on to a situation where there is a vulnerability.
With the instance of Lee drinking so heavily many years ago I am sure that the family farm was a prime target for this reaching and molesting children the way he molested me. I know that Peter was younger than my parents and it is most likely that if he is still around that he is continuing his behavior to this day.
What is shocking to me is the way so many people react to the investigation of predators and family legacies. So many people go out of their way to hid predators and when they do this the family legacy continues for many years. I just read another book about a persons journey of investigating their history of child sexual abuse and it spanned 5 generations! Keep in mind that in no way did any of the details of that 5 generations of investigations come anywhere near to what I remember or what you may have blocked out although some of the blocking out does fit.
Please XXXXX...Think about your actions before you hide or continue to hide what needs to be addressed.
Love,
XXXX
The following letter is yet another try at reaching out to my relation asking them to work with me and address child sexual abuse that has and most likely still exists among us (in my relation). I think back to some very formative years when I was so withdrawn from this world that when I did speak I barely spoke above a whisper. I literally had very little voice about anything in my life or my body. I feel I was so beaten down from all the sexual abuse coupled with the fact that my pedophile was a totally controlling person that my bodily reaction was a natural way for me to react. I remember that my siblings and cousins when gathering in the back yard had to almost beg me to join in. I had to be coaxed repeatedly to be a part of anything. Because of the work that my relation did to bring me out of my introverts way back then I feel that they must feel really "put out" by me in many ways. They did there work years ago and now my job is to keep the silence and keep the good name of the family in tact.
I have said it before and it needs to be repeated.......The foundation that a pedophile puts down when they are abusing their own child is quicksand. Imagine if you will a person who is being molested in their own home and every floor is quicksand. You can only see their face flat on the floor facing upward trying to breath before they go under. You have to raise your voice in order to get a response and you wonder what kind of mental problems do they have that they are so withdrawn. Keep in mind that the natural defences for dealing with the sexual molestation when you are second grade through sixth grade is to bury the memory until you are of an age when you can actually deal with it!
With it being so close to Mother's Day I think back to when I was really young when my own mother would kneel down to give me a hug and she loved me so much that it literally hurt when she hugged me so hard. Now it hurts more that she hasn't hugged me in many many years! Yes Mothers Day is just a few days away and I do not think there will be a letter or card or a phone call to my pedophiles wife as there is too much "bad blood" as she would call it between us. Well, what happens if there is "bad blood" with a person at a hospital? They perform a transfusion! I need a transfusion with myself to my family to make it right and to bring healing. That healing will only happen when and if my relation
work with me to address child sexual abuse. An aunt in a small town near the Wisconsin/ Minnesota border (yet another aunt who shut me out more than 20 years ago) once told me that an uncle of hers "felt her up" and she didn't say a word about it to anyone! This was her way of being an example of what I should do. As I have stated "Each story is different" as far as sexual abuse, but you can hardly compare this persons story with mine as my experience was from the time I was months old to the time I was eighteen years old. The last time in my home town from a priest at a different Catholic Church when I was still trying to be Catholic.
So there you have it. I feel my relatives are put out by me as I have always seemed so needy and that they have done their work with me. I can not put words in my mothers mouth but if she ever spoke about her husband and even hinted that he sexually molested me, I imagine the words would be, "What does that make of my marriage?" What answer do I give her? I guess he liked more than "one flavor"!? There are no simple answers and fewer people talking so how does a person even begin? With my own relation I DO NOT THINK IT WILL EVER BE POSSIBLE! How really sad. There is not a single word or action I can take to Make these people face that I am not trying to draw attention to myself. I am trying to make this family more healthy and put an end to child sexual abuse so it does not continue through generations!
A loving friend told me recently that he thought I had a "blind spot" when I am trying to approach this subject. I am absolutely sure that is true! If I did not have a blind spot I would have given up YEARS AGO and just started a new campagne. It would be along the lines of "Let's Give Pedophiles Free Rein"!. That appears what is happening with my own relation even after more than 20 years of efforts.
There is a song I learned many years ago. It is called "What Would I Do Without My Music?" In that song the words read that "The fighting's More Important Than the Goal"
Well I am not sure if that is true but I WILL keep fighting to bring this issue more into the light and pray for more transfusions.
Subject of Email:Calling your sister
To: My Aunt
Hi XXXXX,
I appreciate that you said you would ask your sister XXXXXXX about the family friend named Peter the next time you spoke with her.
I wonder however when that might be and question what would it be for you just make that call.
I wonder what you meant when you said you were happy that I was moving on. In no way did I say that I was "moving on". What I said was that I was moving forward
even though I have found little support from so many people in my life. There is a big difference. I am concerned when it sounds as if you have blocked out
so much in your life. I wonder what exactly you have blocked out and if you understand what that means.
Do you think that I need to "move on" and not continue to try to get people back in my life? Would you ever Skype with me and a therapist to delve into a family legacy
I know to be fact? It would mean so much to me. Maybe it would help you to unlock some hidden things that really need to be addressed. I am only thinking of the
health and welfare of the family.
I know that the man named Peter who was a long time family friend is a predator. Predators have a way of latching on to a situation where there is a vulnerability.
With the instance of Lee drinking so heavily many years ago I am sure that the family farm was a prime target for this reaching and molesting children the way he molested me. I know that Peter was younger than my parents and it is most likely that if he is still around that he is continuing his behavior to this day.
What is shocking to me is the way so many people react to the investigation of predators and family legacies. So many people go out of their way to hid predators and when they do this the family legacy continues for many years. I just read another book about a persons journey of investigating their history of child sexual abuse and it spanned 5 generations! Keep in mind that in no way did any of the details of that 5 generations of investigations come anywhere near to what I remember or what you may have blocked out although some of the blocking out does fit.
Please XXXXX...Think about your actions before you hide or continue to hide what needs to be addressed.
Love,
XXXX
The following letter is yet another try at reaching out to my relation asking them to work with me and address child sexual abuse that has and most likely still exists among us (in my relation). I think back to some very formative years when I was so withdrawn from this world that when I did speak I barely spoke above a whisper. I literally had very little voice about anything in my life or my body. I feel I was so beaten down from all the sexual abuse coupled with the fact that my pedophile was a totally controlling person that my bodily reaction was a natural way for me to react. I remember that my siblings and cousins when gathering in the back yard had to almost beg me to join in. I had to be coaxed repeatedly to be a part of anything. Because of the work that my relation did to bring me out of my introverts way back then I feel that they must feel really "put out" by me in many ways. They did there work years ago and now my job is to keep the silence and keep the good name of the family in tact.
I have said it before and it needs to be repeated.......The foundation that a pedophile puts down when they are abusing their own child is quicksand. Imagine if you will a person who is being molested in their own home and every floor is quicksand. You can only see their face flat on the floor facing upward trying to breath before they go under. You have to raise your voice in order to get a response and you wonder what kind of mental problems do they have that they are so withdrawn. Keep in mind that the natural defences for dealing with the sexual molestation when you are second grade through sixth grade is to bury the memory until you are of an age when you can actually deal with it!
With it being so close to Mother's Day I think back to when I was really young when my own mother would kneel down to give me a hug and she loved me so much that it literally hurt when she hugged me so hard. Now it hurts more that she hasn't hugged me in many many years! Yes Mothers Day is just a few days away and I do not think there will be a letter or card or a phone call to my pedophiles wife as there is too much "bad blood" as she would call it between us. Well, what happens if there is "bad blood" with a person at a hospital? They perform a transfusion! I need a transfusion with myself to my family to make it right and to bring healing. That healing will only happen when and if my relation
work with me to address child sexual abuse. An aunt in a small town near the Wisconsin/ Minnesota border (yet another aunt who shut me out more than 20 years ago) once told me that an uncle of hers "felt her up" and she didn't say a word about it to anyone! This was her way of being an example of what I should do. As I have stated "Each story is different" as far as sexual abuse, but you can hardly compare this persons story with mine as my experience was from the time I was months old to the time I was eighteen years old. The last time in my home town from a priest at a different Catholic Church when I was still trying to be Catholic.
So there you have it. I feel my relatives are put out by me as I have always seemed so needy and that they have done their work with me. I can not put words in my mothers mouth but if she ever spoke about her husband and even hinted that he sexually molested me, I imagine the words would be, "What does that make of my marriage?" What answer do I give her? I guess he liked more than "one flavor"!? There are no simple answers and fewer people talking so how does a person even begin? With my own relation I DO NOT THINK IT WILL EVER BE POSSIBLE! How really sad. There is not a single word or action I can take to Make these people face that I am not trying to draw attention to myself. I am trying to make this family more healthy and put an end to child sexual abuse so it does not continue through generations!
A loving friend told me recently that he thought I had a "blind spot" when I am trying to approach this subject. I am absolutely sure that is true! If I did not have a blind spot I would have given up YEARS AGO and just started a new campagne. It would be along the lines of "Let's Give Pedophiles Free Rein"!. That appears what is happening with my own relation even after more than 20 years of efforts.
There is a song I learned many years ago. It is called "What Would I Do Without My Music?" In that song the words read that "The fighting's More Important Than the Goal"
Well I am not sure if that is true but I WILL keep fighting to bring this issue more into the light and pray for more transfusions.
Friday, April 30, 2010
All The Details Are Important in Memories of Child Sexual Abuse
I have been to many therapists throughout the years. Some have been better than others. You really have to kind of "shop around" to find out who is the best fit for yourself. One therapist that I went to through "Family & Children's Services" a few years ago was one of the best for me. He has since gone into private practice so that is no longer an option for me. I sometimes have little flashes of details of my past molestations. It is sometimes triggered by something and sometimes they just come to mind.
A few of those past memories that I did not include in the post about the history of my personal sexually abusive history have resurfaces recently. One of the memories happened right after my mother and I went to church. There were restrooms just to the side of the church in a nearby building. I remember I needed to use the rest room but the light in the men's room was burned out (or I believe the light bulb was just unscrewed) An elderly man was standing outside the restroom and he volunteered to help me. I am sure my mother thought "what a kind man". I was at an age when I was just starting to go to the rest room by myself but in this case since there was no light I got some help. I remember him picking me up and having me stand on the sink. He took my pants down and fondled me. At the same time he held a hand over my mouth as I was trying to protest what he was doing. He felt me up in the front up to my chest and I think we were there just as long as it would seen to use the restroom. Then he put my clothes back on and returned me "safely" to my mother. As usual once the molestation was over I buried it in my subconscious and began the two block walk back home with my mother. About half way home she noticed I had urinated in my pants. Another memory was of my father sitting on the toilet and masterbating. I do not remember my age when this happened but I know it was later than this other memory I just wrote about. The four claw bath tub was right in front of the toilet in corner of the bathroom. I think I was not always in the tub by myself. My brother was there sometimes as well. When ever anyone need to take a bath it was customary to ask if anyone needed to use the toilet before the bath began. It happened very frequantly that my father need to use the toilet when it was in the middle of our bath. He sometimes stunk up the place but many times he just sat with a towel over his lap and while I did not know what he was doing with his hands under that towel, I know now that he was masterbating. During these times he did not stink up the bathroom. I think he most likely tried to stink up the bathroom so my mother would not suspect anything else was happening.
I was chatting with my past therapist about the first memory saying it was no big deal as not much happened during that insodent (compared with most) but he told me that every memory was important and I should not just brush it off.
I have continued to try to reach out to [relatives] about this legacy non will speak of or acknowelge. An aunt of mine, the former religious, has told me she has blocked out much of her childhood. I have asked her if she would Skype with me when I went to my next therapist session. I explained to her that I am only looking out for the families best health and welfare. I have not recieved an answer as yet. I am NOT holding my breath. I suggested that she might even be able to deal with some of her suppressed memories. I think that "rose colored glassed" is the route she will choose.
I just finished the gripping yet disturbing book, "Because I Love You" written by Joyce Allan. I do recommend the book to anyone interested in this brave womans journey. Everyone deals with their own story differently. Joyce Allan was still blocking out actions well past the time she had children. Not remembering allowing her children visits to her father in Colorado when she would be in Maryland. Her family history spans five generations. I do not know how long my own family legacy will span, but I suspect it is continuing as I type this. I recently was emailing my younger sister trying to get some informaiton and I guess using some pressure to get that information. She responded with an OMG I feel I am back in High School! I gave her an OMG right back and pointed out her missunderstanding of the situation. I also pointed out that I do not know the ages of her two children but that most people begin to remember child sexual abuse around their mid to last twenties. I told her I woud be there for her during that time if they did happen to be part of this legacy. Maybe there were just viewings in the bathtub and my father suppressed his desires for any kind of touching with them. Only time will tell.
A few of those past memories that I did not include in the post about the history of my personal sexually abusive history have resurfaces recently. One of the memories happened right after my mother and I went to church. There were restrooms just to the side of the church in a nearby building. I remember I needed to use the rest room but the light in the men's room was burned out (or I believe the light bulb was just unscrewed) An elderly man was standing outside the restroom and he volunteered to help me. I am sure my mother thought "what a kind man". I was at an age when I was just starting to go to the rest room by myself but in this case since there was no light I got some help. I remember him picking me up and having me stand on the sink. He took my pants down and fondled me. At the same time he held a hand over my mouth as I was trying to protest what he was doing. He felt me up in the front up to my chest and I think we were there just as long as it would seen to use the restroom. Then he put my clothes back on and returned me "safely" to my mother. As usual once the molestation was over I buried it in my subconscious and began the two block walk back home with my mother. About half way home she noticed I had urinated in my pants. Another memory was of my father sitting on the toilet and masterbating. I do not remember my age when this happened but I know it was later than this other memory I just wrote about. The four claw bath tub was right in front of the toilet in corner of the bathroom. I think I was not always in the tub by myself. My brother was there sometimes as well. When ever anyone need to take a bath it was customary to ask if anyone needed to use the toilet before the bath began. It happened very frequantly that my father need to use the toilet when it was in the middle of our bath. He sometimes stunk up the place but many times he just sat with a towel over his lap and while I did not know what he was doing with his hands under that towel, I know now that he was masterbating. During these times he did not stink up the bathroom. I think he most likely tried to stink up the bathroom so my mother would not suspect anything else was happening.
I was chatting with my past therapist about the first memory saying it was no big deal as not much happened during that insodent (compared with most) but he told me that every memory was important and I should not just brush it off.
I have continued to try to reach out to [relatives] about this legacy non will speak of or acknowelge. An aunt of mine, the former religious, has told me she has blocked out much of her childhood. I have asked her if she would Skype with me when I went to my next therapist session. I explained to her that I am only looking out for the families best health and welfare. I have not recieved an answer as yet. I am NOT holding my breath. I suggested that she might even be able to deal with some of her suppressed memories. I think that "rose colored glassed" is the route she will choose.
I just finished the gripping yet disturbing book, "Because I Love You" written by Joyce Allan. I do recommend the book to anyone interested in this brave womans journey. Everyone deals with their own story differently. Joyce Allan was still blocking out actions well past the time she had children. Not remembering allowing her children visits to her father in Colorado when she would be in Maryland. Her family history spans five generations. I do not know how long my own family legacy will span, but I suspect it is continuing as I type this. I recently was emailing my younger sister trying to get some informaiton and I guess using some pressure to get that information. She responded with an OMG I feel I am back in High School! I gave her an OMG right back and pointed out her missunderstanding of the situation. I also pointed out that I do not know the ages of her two children but that most people begin to remember child sexual abuse around their mid to last twenties. I told her I woud be there for her during that time if they did happen to be part of this legacy. Maybe there were just viewings in the bathtub and my father suppressed his desires for any kind of touching with them. Only time will tell.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Some Organizations May Not Want Pedophiles to Go Away.
This is a letter I wrote to ****, I strongly feel there needs to be a cohesive network for all concerned to address this issue together.
Dear ****,
I am one of the millions of survivors of child sexual abuse and am trying to work to bring the numbers down and possibly brainstorm with others who are working to do the same thing. I have been involved with over 1,200 talks about GLBT issues and many of those talks have delved into the issues of sexual abuse as well. Many of the organizations I have reached out to have been eager for me to speak publicly with their organization but after the many years I have been speaking (as a volunteer) I do not have the time or energy as I am trying just make ends meet (just the same as many people.)
I have recently been speaking with a friend about the frustrations surrounding my inability to find a way to have an open forum not associated with something that will be very public such as facebook as none of us need to face any more rejection or abandonment than we have faced before both from family or friends who just do not believe that anything happened at all. I am sure that no one who is raped or molested wants to hear, "Just get over it!" any more. I have heard this many times over the years and it is not something one "just gets over!" The friend I have been speaking with tells me that no one is going to listen to anyone who does not have a degree. That is difficult to listen to as the cycle of molestation that many of us have endured does not coincide with a great deal of education because when the abuse is happening at such a young age many children have a great deal of trouble just focusing on basic school lessons and basic social education as well. What strikes me is that I am reading a book that was written by a woman about child sexual abuse who has a degree in psychology but in the same breath she allowed her own father to molest her children. It all seems very crazy to me.
I contacted both of my sisters the moment I began having memories of child sexual abuse and warned them not to allow our father to baby sit them alone. I was not listened to and was labeled someone with mental problems. I have recently emailed my younger sister and told her the average age when a person remembers sexual abuse is the early to mid twenties. At that time I will be there for them if they want me to be.
I guess the questions are: How do the survivors make a difference when they are from what I have seen, not involved in the process? Who are the people making the decisions as to the proper way to address this issue? How do we bridge that gap and let all concerned join in the process together? If you do not have a forum where this gap can be bridged can you please tell me where that forum could be that is not open to the general public so as not to have more people criticize and abandon any more than we have been abandoned in the past?
*It is difficult to believe that some may not want the issue of Child Sexual Abuse to Go Away but I believe this may be the case with some organizations I have tried to communicate with. Why you may ask does an organization want child sexual abuse to continue you may ask. Some organizations are able to line their pockets with lots of money as a result of child sexual abuse. Such is the case with some organizations that make a great deal of money when it comes to HIV and AIDS. While donating a percentage to the good cause they are associated with and getting some well meaning celebrities to plead with the general public to send much needed funds they ultimately seem to rake it in.
I have broken off ties with an organization that gets people in touch with therapists and promotes education for people who are survivors of child sexual abuse. They do not claim to be trying to get to the solution to the issue of child sexual abuse and they, from what I can tell do not answer emails from people who like myself ARE trying to get to the solution to the core issue.
I encourage people to support what ever organization they can afford to support but if you do not hear from an organization accept for them asking for money....I would think clearly where you wish to send your hard earned cash. Best of luck to the organization I tried to communicate with.
Dear ****,
I am one of the millions of survivors of child sexual abuse and am trying to work to bring the numbers down and possibly brainstorm with others who are working to do the same thing. I have been involved with over 1,200 talks about GLBT issues and many of those talks have delved into the issues of sexual abuse as well. Many of the organizations I have reached out to have been eager for me to speak publicly with their organization but after the many years I have been speaking (as a volunteer) I do not have the time or energy as I am trying just make ends meet (just the same as many people.)
I have recently been speaking with a friend about the frustrations surrounding my inability to find a way to have an open forum not associated with something that will be very public such as facebook as none of us need to face any more rejection or abandonment than we have faced before both from family or friends who just do not believe that anything happened at all. I am sure that no one who is raped or molested wants to hear, "Just get over it!" any more. I have heard this many times over the years and it is not something one "just gets over!" The friend I have been speaking with tells me that no one is going to listen to anyone who does not have a degree. That is difficult to listen to as the cycle of molestation that many of us have endured does not coincide with a great deal of education because when the abuse is happening at such a young age many children have a great deal of trouble just focusing on basic school lessons and basic social education as well. What strikes me is that I am reading a book that was written by a woman about child sexual abuse who has a degree in psychology but in the same breath she allowed her own father to molest her children. It all seems very crazy to me.
I contacted both of my sisters the moment I began having memories of child sexual abuse and warned them not to allow our father to baby sit them alone. I was not listened to and was labeled someone with mental problems. I have recently emailed my younger sister and told her the average age when a person remembers sexual abuse is the early to mid twenties. At that time I will be there for them if they want me to be.
I guess the questions are: How do the survivors make a difference when they are from what I have seen, not involved in the process? Who are the people making the decisions as to the proper way to address this issue? How do we bridge that gap and let all concerned join in the process together? If you do not have a forum where this gap can be bridged can you please tell me where that forum could be that is not open to the general public so as not to have more people criticize and abandon any more than we have been abandoned in the past?
*It is difficult to believe that some may not want the issue of Child Sexual Abuse to Go Away but I believe this may be the case with some organizations I have tried to communicate with. Why you may ask does an organization want child sexual abuse to continue you may ask. Some organizations are able to line their pockets with lots of money as a result of child sexual abuse. Such is the case with some organizations that make a great deal of money when it comes to HIV and AIDS. While donating a percentage to the good cause they are associated with and getting some well meaning celebrities to plead with the general public to send much needed funds they ultimately seem to rake it in.
I have broken off ties with an organization that gets people in touch with therapists and promotes education for people who are survivors of child sexual abuse. They do not claim to be trying to get to the solution to the issue of child sexual abuse and they, from what I can tell do not answer emails from people who like myself ARE trying to get to the solution to the core issue.
I encourage people to support what ever organization they can afford to support but if you do not hear from an organization accept for them asking for money....I would think clearly where you wish to send your hard earned cash. Best of luck to the organization I tried to communicate with.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Even Oprah Winfrey's family does not believe she was molested. (so says Kitty Kelly)
Who knows if what you read from Kitty Kelly is true. From what I know of her and her books (non of which I have read) her books are referred to as "Kitty Litter". There was an article I read in the USA Today news paper that said that the majority of Oprah Winfrey's own family do not believe that she was molested. I would love to interview Ms. Winfrey. While she has spoken about her abuse I would like to find out what her relation is with her family and how she deals with their not believing.
I have been on the Oprah Winfrey website today reading about her ongoing quest to address child sexual abuse and I again applaud her and Lisa Ling for the work they do. Lisa Ling has real guts to speak with the worst of the worst offenders.
A few of the quotes from the offenders really hit home with me.
Who are the most vulnerable victims? Laura says it's the children who aren't getting the love and attention they need at home.
(Laura is the only female on the island off the coast of Washington State [where the worst of the worst child sexual offenders are housed].
"[For] a lot of us, I guess, [the abuse] happened when we were younger, 8 or 9 years old. ... You really don't have much in your life at that age but your family, and for some people, a relationship with God," he says. "When something like that does happen, and it's a family member, you pretty much shatter that duality of the comfort of your family and your spirituality."
These two people are saying in different words what I have said already. The children who are not getting love and affection at home are the most vulnerable. An offender can zero in on that right away. When you are in an unsafe place where molestation has occurred that love will NEVER reach you. Even if you are getting attention from someone in the family, say your mother, in my case I never really trusted that love. I always felt I got attention just because that is what she was supposed to do and so I never trusted that I was worthy of love and attention.
The second quote says it clearly. When there is sexual abuse, the abuser Shatters the comfort and safety of the child.
My last post speaks of when the relationships of children and parents turn. My parents are now in their early 70's and there is certainly no hope of ever really trying to speak with them about the abuse that did happen in my "childless" house where I grew older. I find it difficult to say it was my childhood home as I really did not have a childhood, and I never really grew up there....more so I grew older. I lacked the social education and had to fend for myself by getting involved with extra curricular activities at school.
I have not spoken with many in my family about child sexual abuse. I did write a letter to all the aunts and uncles on my mothers side of the family and stated that there is a history of child sexual abuse on my fathers side of the family and non of them have ever spoken with me since. There are a few other reasons they will not speak with me and that includes my sexual orientation and because I changed my name. I have recently been emailing my younger sister who always had a very close relationship with my birth father. I told her that I knew I would never be able to convince her that I was ever sexually molested by my birth father and that was fine. Thinking back I don't think that it is fine. I did mention in my email that most people will remember their sexual abuse at around 25-28 years old. I am not sure how old my nieces and nephews are but I think she got what I was getting at to at least be somewhat prepared and not surprised to hear any one of them come forward to tell their own experiences of molestation. I did warn my sisters about allowing my birth father to baby sit their children many years ago when I was 27 when my first traumatic memories began to surface. I am not sure if they ever listened to my words.
Time will tell if he still had the urges with his grand children.
I have been on the Oprah Winfrey website today reading about her ongoing quest to address child sexual abuse and I again applaud her and Lisa Ling for the work they do. Lisa Ling has real guts to speak with the worst of the worst offenders.
A few of the quotes from the offenders really hit home with me.
Who are the most vulnerable victims? Laura says it's the children who aren't getting the love and attention they need at home.
(Laura is the only female on the island off the coast of Washington State [where the worst of the worst child sexual offenders are housed].
"[For] a lot of us, I guess, [the abuse] happened when we were younger, 8 or 9 years old. ... You really don't have much in your life at that age but your family, and for some people, a relationship with God," he says. "When something like that does happen, and it's a family member, you pretty much shatter that duality of the comfort of your family and your spirituality."
These two people are saying in different words what I have said already. The children who are not getting love and affection at home are the most vulnerable. An offender can zero in on that right away. When you are in an unsafe place where molestation has occurred that love will NEVER reach you. Even if you are getting attention from someone in the family, say your mother, in my case I never really trusted that love. I always felt I got attention just because that is what she was supposed to do and so I never trusted that I was worthy of love and attention.
The second quote says it clearly. When there is sexual abuse, the abuser Shatters the comfort and safety of the child.
My last post speaks of when the relationships of children and parents turn. My parents are now in their early 70's and there is certainly no hope of ever really trying to speak with them about the abuse that did happen in my "childless" house where I grew older. I find it difficult to say it was my childhood home as I really did not have a childhood, and I never really grew up there....more so I grew older. I lacked the social education and had to fend for myself by getting involved with extra curricular activities at school.
I have not spoken with many in my family about child sexual abuse. I did write a letter to all the aunts and uncles on my mothers side of the family and stated that there is a history of child sexual abuse on my fathers side of the family and non of them have ever spoken with me since. There are a few other reasons they will not speak with me and that includes my sexual orientation and because I changed my name. I have recently been emailing my younger sister who always had a very close relationship with my birth father. I told her that I knew I would never be able to convince her that I was ever sexually molested by my birth father and that was fine. Thinking back I don't think that it is fine. I did mention in my email that most people will remember their sexual abuse at around 25-28 years old. I am not sure how old my nieces and nephews are but I think she got what I was getting at to at least be somewhat prepared and not surprised to hear any one of them come forward to tell their own experiences of molestation. I did warn my sisters about allowing my birth father to baby sit their children many years ago when I was 27 when my first traumatic memories began to surface. I am not sure if they ever listened to my words.
Time will tell if he still had the urges with his grand children.
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