Friday, May 7, 2010

A Letter To the Matriarch of the Family/ How I Feel my Family/Relation See Me

Date of Email:Thu, April 29, 2010 11:25:48 AM
Subject of Email:Calling your sister

To: My Aunt

I appreciate that you said you would ask your sister XXXXXXX about the family friend named Peter the next time you spoke with her.
I wonder however when that might be and question what would it be for you just make that call.

I wonder what you meant when you said you were happy that I was moving on. In no way did I say that I was "moving on". What I said was that I was moving forward
even though I have found little support from so many people in my life. There is a big difference. I am concerned when it sounds as if you have blocked out
so much in your life. I wonder what exactly you have blocked out and if you understand what that means.

Do you think that I need to "move on" and not continue to try to get people back in my life? Would you ever Skype with me and a therapist to delve into a family legacy
I know to be fact? It would mean so much to me. Maybe it would help you to unlock some hidden things that really need to be addressed. I am only thinking of the
health and welfare of the family.

I know that the man named Peter who was a long time family friend is a predator. Predators have a way of latching on to a situation where there is a vulnerability.
With the instance of Lee drinking so heavily many years ago I am sure that the family farm was a prime target for this reaching and molesting children the way he molested me. I know that Peter was younger than my parents and it is most likely that if he is still around that he is continuing his behavior to this day.

What is shocking to me is the way so many people react to the investigation of predators and family legacies. So many people go out of their way to hid predators and when they do this the family legacy continues for many years. I just read another book about a persons journey of investigating their history of child sexual abuse and it spanned 5 generations! Keep in mind that in no way did any of the details of that 5 generations of investigations come anywhere near to what I remember or what you may have blocked out although some of the blocking out does fit.

Please XXXXX...Think about your actions before you hide or continue to hide what needs to be addressed.



The following letter is yet another try at reaching out to my relation asking them to work with me and address child sexual abuse that has and most likely still exists among us (in my relation). I think back to some very formative years when I was so withdrawn from this world that when I did speak I barely spoke above a whisper. I literally had very little voice about anything in my life or my body. I feel I was so beaten down from all the sexual abuse coupled with the fact that my pedophile was a totally controlling person that my bodily reaction was a natural way for me to react. I remember that my siblings and cousins when gathering in the back yard had to almost beg me to join in. I had to be coaxed repeatedly to be a part of anything. Because of the work that my relation did to bring me out of my introverts way back then I feel that they must feel really "put out" by me in many ways. They did there work years ago and now my job is to keep the silence and keep the good name of the family in tact.

I have said it before and it needs to be repeated.......The foundation that a pedophile puts down when they are abusing their own child is quicksand. Imagine if you will a person who is being molested in their own home and every floor is quicksand. You can only see their face flat on the floor facing upward trying to breath before they go under. You have to raise your voice in order to get a response and you wonder what kind of mental problems do they have that they are so withdrawn. Keep in mind that the natural defences for dealing with the sexual molestation when you are second grade through sixth grade is to bury the memory until you are of an age when you can actually deal with it!

With it being so close to Mother's Day I think back to when I was really young when my own mother would kneel down to give me a hug and she loved me so much that it literally hurt when she hugged me so hard. Now it hurts more that she hasn't hugged me in many many years! Yes Mothers Day is just a few days away and I do not think there will be a letter or card or a phone call to my pedophiles wife as there is too much "bad blood" as she would call it between us. Well, what happens if there is "bad blood" with a person at a hospital? They perform a transfusion! I need a transfusion with myself to my family to make it right and to bring healing. That healing will only happen when and if my relation
work with me to address child sexual abuse. An aunt in a small town near the Wisconsin/ Minnesota border (yet another aunt who shut me out more than 20 years ago) once told me that an uncle of hers "felt her up" and she didn't say a word about it to anyone! This was her way of being an example of what I should do. As I have stated "Each story is different" as far as sexual abuse, but you can hardly compare this persons story with mine as my experience was from the time I was months old to the time I was eighteen years old. The last time in my home town from a priest at a different Catholic Church when I was still trying to be Catholic.

So there you have it. I feel my relatives are put out by me as I have always seemed so needy and that they have done their work with me. I can not put words in my mothers mouth but if she ever spoke about her husband and even hinted that he sexually molested me, I imagine the words would be, "What does that make of my marriage?" What answer do I give her? I guess he liked more than "one flavor"!? There are no simple answers and fewer people talking so how does a person even begin? With my own relation I DO NOT THINK IT WILL EVER BE POSSIBLE! How really sad. There is not a single word or action I can take to Make these people face that I am not trying to draw attention to myself. I am trying to make this family more healthy and put an end to child sexual abuse so it does not continue through generations!

A loving friend told me recently that he thought I had a "blind spot" when I am trying to approach this subject. I am absolutely sure that is true! If I did not have a blind spot I would have given up YEARS AGO and just started a new campagne. It would be along the lines of "Let's Give Pedophiles Free Rein"!. That appears what is happening with my own relation even after more than 20 years of efforts.

There is a song I learned many years ago. It is called "What Would I Do Without My Music?" In that song the words read that "The fighting's More Important Than the Goal"
Well I am not sure if that is true but I WILL keep fighting to bring this issue more into the light and pray for more transfusions.

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