Friday, April 30, 2010

All The Details Are Important in Memories of Child Sexual Abuse

I have been to many therapists throughout the years. Some have been better than others. You really have to kind of "shop around" to find out who is the best fit for yourself. One therapist that I went to through "Family & Children's Services" a few years ago was one of the best for me. He has since gone into private practice so that is no longer an option for me. I sometimes have little flashes of details of my past molestations. It is sometimes triggered by something and sometimes they just come to mind.
A few of those past memories that I did not include in the post about the history of my personal sexually abusive history have resurfaces recently. One of the memories happened right after my mother and I went to church. There were restrooms just to the side of the church in a nearby building. I remember I needed to use the rest room but the light in the men's room was burned out (or I believe the light bulb was just unscrewed) An elderly man was standing outside the restroom and he volunteered to help me. I am sure my mother thought "what a kind man". I was at an age when I was just starting to go to the rest room by myself but in this case since there was no light I got some help. I remember him picking me up and having me stand on the sink. He took my pants down and fondled me. At the same time he held a hand over my mouth as I was trying to protest what he was doing. He felt me up in the front up to my chest and I think we were there just as long as it would seen to use the restroom. Then he put my clothes back on and returned me "safely" to my mother. As usual once the molestation was over I buried it in my subconscious and began the two block walk back home with my mother. About half way home she noticed I had urinated in my pants. Another memory was of my father sitting on the toilet and masterbating. I do not remember my age when this happened but I know it was later than this other memory I just wrote about. The four claw bath tub was right in front of the toilet in corner of the bathroom. I think I was not always in the tub by myself. My brother was there sometimes as well. When ever anyone need to take a bath it was customary to ask if anyone needed to use the toilet before the bath began. It happened very frequantly that my father need to use the toilet when it was in the middle of our bath. He sometimes stunk up the place but many times he just sat with a towel over his lap and while I did not know what he was doing with his hands under that towel, I know now that he was masterbating. During these times he did not stink up the bathroom. I think he most likely tried to stink up the bathroom so my mother would not suspect anything else was happening.

I was chatting with my past therapist about the first memory saying it was no big deal as not much happened during that insodent (compared with most) but he told me that every memory was important and I should not just brush it off.

I have continued to try to reach out to [relatives] about this legacy non will speak of or acknowelge. An aunt of mine, the former religious, has told me she has blocked out much of her childhood. I have asked her if she would Skype with me when I went to my next therapist session. I explained to her that I am only looking out for the families best health and welfare. I have not recieved an answer as yet. I am NOT holding my breath. I suggested that she might even be able to deal with some of her suppressed memories. I think that "rose colored glassed" is the route she will choose.

I just finished the gripping yet disturbing book, "Because I Love You" written by Joyce Allan. I do recommend the book to anyone interested in this brave womans journey. Everyone deals with their own story differently. Joyce Allan was still blocking out actions well past the time she had children. Not remembering allowing her children visits to her father in Colorado when she would be in Maryland. Her family history spans five generations. I do not know how long my own family legacy will span, but I suspect it is continuing as I type this. I recently was emailing my younger sister trying to get some informaiton and I guess using some pressure to get that information. She responded with an OMG I feel I am back in High School! I gave her an OMG right back and pointed out her missunderstanding of the situation. I also pointed out that I do not know the ages of her two children but that most people begin to remember child sexual abuse around their mid to last twenties. I told her I woud be there for her during that time if they did happen to be part of this legacy. Maybe there were just viewings in the bathtub and my father suppressed his desires for any kind of touching with them. Only time will tell.

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