Someone Remembers the Day I Died in Bloomer, Wisconsin. PLEASE COME FORWARD

I have been thinking of the day I died--when I was 4 years old.  I was being face fucked by a young man invited to the pot party in Bloomer Wisconsin.  Yes I am coming out regarding the town where some of the most traumatic events of my sexual abuse took place.

My uncle has been dry for many years.  The family could not be more proud of him as am I.  I say it this way as the majority of my relatives who stand by and support this wonderful and brave man for saying "No" to alcohol but they will not stand by me when I was part of the fall out of the alcohol abuse that was in that house.  

It is no secret that alcohol abuse and drug abuse will run hand in hand.  It is no secret that in the mix might be child sexual abuse.   This is what happened with me.  

My uncle used to drink a case of beer a day.  I was only 4 at the time so I do not know about the people he hung out with.  I can only imagine that some of the people he hung out with also liked to drink. 

It was all very exciting when a family friend was left in charge.  I was 4 and my brother was 2.  I was told I was going to the "big boys" room.  There were over a dozen people there.  They got me drunk and high and passed me around.   I orally serviced them all......at least it seemed.    

I remember dangling from the dick of the guy fucking my mouth.  My feet were hitting his shins.  

I struggled to breath.  My body went limp.  My spirit floated upward.  It seemed to happen very quickly. 

There are posts where I have described the space I found myself in before but I think it important to repeat myself. 

I space was rather undefined accept it seemed to be a capsule shape.  It was a light pinkish white.  

There was one entity there.  As a child I naturally stepped forward to get a hug.  The entity put a hand out to my chest to hold me back.  I believe my spirit guide was summoned right away and shortly there after showed up.  The time differentiation to this earthly plain and Heaven is very different.   This place is very negative and moves very slowly compared to the Glory of Home.   This is what the Gnostics believe.  It is a leap of faith.  And I have a few snippets of memories about the other side.  The fond memories are to do with the rain forest.  

I had a consultation with my spirit guide and I had to decide if I wanted to go back and fulfill the remainder of the chart I had chosen.  I was stalling for time and the spirit guide told me I had 20 minutes or if I went back any later than that I would have severe brain damage due to the lack of oxygen to the brain during the time of my near death experience.  

Well since I am typing this you can tell that I chose to come back.  When my spirit landed back in my body there was a deep intake of air and I could instantly feel and hear the heavy heart beat of the young man babysitting me.  Thats all I heard and saw.  The room had been cleared out.  No one wanted to take the rap if the child had decided to stay dead.  

I do not know the actual numbers of people who were there.  I know that one of them gave me gonorrhea.  I was 4 years old and I had gonorrhea.  It is a pity that there were no investigations in 1966. 

I only know that someone remembers the day I died.

*Keep in mind the law is on your side and I can not prosecute you.   Really kind of curious on your perspective of the nights events.  

A Painting From A Few Years Ago

"Who Knows What Fate?"

This is a painting I did on the back of a guitar I found in an alley way.  It would never be used as a musical instrument again so I took it home and did this painting.   It is the story of what kind of relationship the mother will have with the child.  Notice how the breasts are like eye balls staring straight forward, they will never turn right or left.   I only did the painting because I saw a pretty women in a magazine with beautiful breasts.  I think I even had the name of the painting before I really knew what it was all about.  Names of drawings and paintings sometimes catch me off guard.  

By the way, that is a lampshade I made as well.  I had a poster with joggers on it and the negative spaces between the joggers were leaves.   Kind of interesting but you can't please everyone.  I have a friend from Brazil who looked at it and said, " It should all be even on top and the bottom!"

Oh well!  ;-)

Interview with Patricia Singleton Cyrus Webb of Conversations Live! Radio on BlogTalkRadio

"The Patricia Singleton Story" Update

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/conversationslive/2010/04/29/cyrus-webb-presents-the-patricia-singleton-story-o

Patricia Singleton was nice enough to send me a thank you note for visiting her blog.

http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/

In the interview she says she had asked her mother if she had been molested as a child and her mother stated that she had not.  Patricia did not believe her mother as her mother had too many characteristics of an abused survivor.

Many years ago I was visiting my fathers sister the former nun in Milwaukee.  I always liked music and I was changing the station to hear some classic songs from the 50's and 60's with singers like Rosemary Clooney and Frank Sinatra.  My aunt became very agitated and would turn the station back to what she always listened to which I believe was the same kind of music but only in orchestra, no singing.

If you have seen this blog before you may have read that I did try for 20 years to speak to my aunt about incest and child sexual abuse and there was absolutely no way she would speak of it or address it in any way.   This was a nun, this was a former teacher.  I asked her repeatedly if there was ever a time that a student came to her as she was a trusted adult to confide to her that they had been sexually molested.  I asked her if as a nun that any person boy or girl sought shelter because of any violation.
I asked my aunt if there as any training that nuns or teachers went through to be able to deal with this kind of situation if it would occur.  She would not answer my questions.

There is no doubt that my aunt was sexually molested.   I had two aunts that went into the convent at very early ages.  One was 12 years old and the older sister was 13 years old.  The 13 year old thought she had a calling.   That part may be true.  The older sister was a nun for many many years and actually wanted to have her own church.  She always said, "I can't have my own church because I got the wrong plumbing!"  The aunt who was 12 I think just had a means of escape.

It does not make sense to me at all that a teacher and former nun would not do anything about this unless she had her own deep seated issues that were not dealt with and from what I can see will probably never be dealt with.  I am sad for her but more frightened for the future of my paternal side of the family.

I believe there will be more generations of molestation until someone might have the backbone to step forward as I have.  I hope that they will have a more supportive response than what has happened to me.

To date my aunt and uncle have not responded to my letter.

I am thinking of reaching out to their priest in their hometown.

Please check out Patricia Singleton's blog.  There are many survivors blogs I turn to for words of comfort.  I appreciate each and every one of them.  

http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/

Excerpt of S.E. Smith Article Printed With Permission

WHAT TO DO WHEN SOMEONE APPROACHES TO TELL YOU ABOUT SEXUAL ASSAULT OR ABUSE

When a person comes to you to tell you that ou has experienced sexual assault, rape, incest, molestation, or abuse, it’s a scary and intense thing. A lot of people freeze in this situation, even people who have experience with these kinds of conversation. Even (sometimes especially) people who have experienced these things themselves.

http://meloukhia.net/2010/06/what_to_do_when_someone_approaches_to_tell_you_about_sexual_assault_or_abuse.html




Copy and paste this entire address above and it will take you to the full article S.E. Smith has written.  I appreciate that the author has allowed me to reprint this excerpt.  It is wonderfully insightful.  We must help each other acquire the tools in order to heal ourselves and our families.   

Prove It!

I was speaking with a friend about my blog and he was showing no hope in what I was trying to accomplish.  I am working towards having child sexual abuse reach a plateau and then bringing it to an end.

He looked me straight in the eye and said,"Prove it!"

Good point.  In the age of cameras everywhere it might be easier now than when I was a child.
Yes, my pedophile did include me in child pornography but with pictures dating back to 1966 that might prove to be a little more difficult.  I am not sure where I would begin to look for pictures of myself in child porn.

In my own personal case I believe I could prove it in a court of law.   I have always enjoyed public speaking anyway.  Would be interesting.   Have to think about that.



In a conversation with my pedophile, before everything was clear about who he was to me, (pre-memories) we were chatting and I was saying how I really had a bad childhood.   He responded that he knew I had a bad childhood.   He explained it away saying, "That's because you were unhappy."   "Why was I unhappy?" I asked.  "Because you had a bad childhood!" came the "logical" answer.

Three Words.  Little. White. Lies.


If a person would match up the timeline of what I remember with child sexual abuse, with the timeline of all the times I "acted up" or "acted strangely" you would see a definite pattern.   Is that proof?

There is a definite lack of feelings toward my biological parents and siblings.  Is that proof?

The details of my life such as patterns of relationships are a text book example from a person who has been sexually molested.  Is that proof?

I am willing to go through any test to show that I am a survivor of child sexual abuse.  The main person in question has refused to answer a letter I wrote outlining the details of his involvement in my survival of child sexual abuse.  I can not speak for him but, do you think he would agree to go through a polygraph test?  I doubt it.  Is that Proof?


The saddest part of all of this is, All I ever wanted to find out from him, my pedophile was, What happened to You?  I only wanted to speak with him alone, quietly, away from his wife, my biological mother.

Can we ever really Prove It?   Do we need to put cameras on our children 24/7 in order to document and PROVE IT?

Contributing To The Downfall Of Society

What are some of the key factors of the downfall of society?  Some of the big ones that come to mind are drug abuse, alcoholism,  prostitution and gambling.

Isn't there kind of a domino effect with many of these issues?  Don't many people who are "down on their luck" face a multitude of issues simultaneously?    I wonder what the statistics would say on just how many of those "down on their luck" people had been sexually assaulted?  Of of those who had been assaulted, how many people in those family's stood by and supported them.

I would say the high percentage of them were never supported at all.  People do what they do to survive.  They continue with what they were taught.  What they saw when they were growing up.
They are turned away so they turn to drugs and the cycle of sex and drugs replay what they most likely grew up with.  They replay what they have been trained almost since birth, some of us!   How many children who were sexually molested were the child of a drug addicted prostitute and how many will grow up to follow in moms "fuck me" pumps?   But then there are the statistics that state that child sexual abuse happens in every sosio-economical community.  Which means that there are people of all communities who get tossed under the bus.  So there is equality in abandonment.   Good for us.

What if there was no child sexual abuse.  If there was no child sexual abuse, there would be less drug and alcohol addiction.   There would be less prostitution.  There would be fewer run aways.  There would be fewer deaths as a result of sex abuse.  What if all those 6 million children were not sexually molested.    What kind of society do you think we could build?

Is child molestation a key factor in the decline of Society?  If a family member denies you and refuses to address the child sexual abuse and/or incest in their own relation, are they not contributing to the continued downfall of society?   Isn't it too much a Gamble to Not address the issues of Child Sexual Abuse?

Reported Decline in Child Sexual Abuse?

Numerous studies say rates are dropping, but some remain skeptical in communities of color.  *Not just in the communities of color.  


According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network), 15 percent of sexual assault and rape cases occur among children under the age of 12, with 93 percent of juvenile sexual assault perpetuated by someone they know. Of those assaults, 34.2 percent of attackers were family members, 58.7 percent were acquaintances and only 7 percent were complete strangers.

While nearly 80,000 incidents of child sexual abuse are reported to authorities each year, the Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry says six million children are abused nationwide each year.

Those numbers are incredibly worrisome, but the good news is more victims are coming forward to report abuse, and rates of abuse have declined 60 percent between from 1992 to 2010.

The New York Times reported:

The evidence for this decline comes from a variety of indicators, including national surveys of child abuse and crime victimization, crime statistics compiled by the F.B.I., analyses of data from the National Data Archive on Child Abuse and Neglect and annual surveys of grade school students in Minnesota, all pointing in the same direction.

From 1990 to 2010, for example, substantiated cases of sexual abuse dropped from 23 per 10,000 children under 18 to 8.6 per 10,000, a 62 percent decrease, with a 3 percent drop from 2009 to 2010, according to the researchers’ analysis of government data. The Minnesota Student Survey charted a 29 percent decline in reports of sexual abuse by an adult who was not a family member from 1992 to 2010 and a 28 percent drop in reports of sexual abuse by a family member. The majority of sexual abuse cases involve family members or acquaintances rather than strangers, studies have found. 
Experts are not exactly sure why this decline has happened, but Dr. David Finkelhor, director of theCrimes Against Children Research Center, told the Times that heightened awareness, better policies, education and training, and prevention programs may be the reason.

Yet there are some advocates who are skeptical, especially when it comes to rates in different communities of color where there is less dialogue and funding. There are also worries that funding will decrease if sexual abuse is not viewed as a serious epidemic.

Regardless of whether these rates are going down, the Jerry Sandusky trial is a constant reminder that all parents need to talk to their children about sex, healthy boundaries and the dangers of pedophiles.

For advice on how to talk about sexual abuse, click here. 


Reported by Kellee Terrell  for BET online.


My response to this article I saw online. 



As a survivor of incest and child sexual abuse I absolutely disagree with the claim that there is a decline in child sexual abuse.  They state "substantiated cases" of sexual abuse dropped in the 1990-2010 period of years.  Child sexual abuse is reported 80,000 times a year yet The Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry reports that 6 Million children are sexually assaulted each year.   "Family Loyalty" plays a big part of the hiding of pedophiles.   That is the case with me.  Most of my relatives have refused to speak with me for 20 years because I dared to speak about my father molesting me for 9 years through my infancy up till I was about in 4th grade.  My relatives refuse to speak of it.  I have no power to do anything and most likely incest will be a silent family tradition until the next survivor steps forward and is most likely tossed under the bus as I have been.  Join in the conversation at:
address child sexual abuse at blog spot (dot) com.   Survivors need to join forces.  IF we join together we would be a powerful group.

The Conditions Of Unconditional Love

This is pure conjecture but isn't it an honest assessment of my and many others situations that there are often many conditions to what many "family's" claim to be their Unconditional Love?

I have tried to address the issues of incest and child sexual abuse with one or more "loving, supportive" family members for a period of 20 years!  In all that time I have not gotten anywhere!   In all that time every last family member would most likely claim to have done all that they could.  Most "family members" would also claim to give you Unconditional Love.  I think most of those family members would be lying through their teeth!

Having grown up Catholic and knowing about "little white lies" I know all too well how people can side step basic honesty.

We all have to face that "little white lies" are not "little" and they are "Not White"....but they still remain "Lies"!


Let's take the Conditions out of Unconditional Love.


*I often read and re-read my posts for the clarity of thought I want to get across and to check for any grammatically incorrect passages.  I do have to clarify here that the frustration I have felt thus far is
predominantly with my paternal side of my relation.  I have made some progress in reconnecting with my mothers side of the family.  There is one female cousin in particular who immediately asked many questions and sent me a long detailed email with many resources about child sexual abuse.  Thanks and Love you Dorothy!

A Programmed Belief / Survivors Need To Join Forces

I love Futurama.  Here is a little dialogue from that show that shows that change is scary even for a robot~! 
Not sure if this is just a stretch but I thought of the plight of children who are continually not supported and or tossed under the bus as family members refuse to believe that the "cancer" of incest and child sexual abuse a part of their lives. 


Robot Villager #2: With all your modern science, are you any closer to understanding the mysteries of how a robot walks and talks?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Yes, you idiot! The circuit diagram is right here on the inside of your case.
[Opens the panel on robot's chest]
Robot Villager #2: [closes panel] I choose to believe what I was PROGRAMMED to believe! 


If a survivor (opens up) about being a survivor, how often does a family really listen and take the survivor seriously?  


If only ALL the survivors could join together~!  That would be a force to be reckoned with!  

The Blog Farm / No Comment From My Aunt And Uncle

In my quest to bring more traffic to this blog I have registered at The Blog Farm.

http://www.theblogfarm.com/blog

Even though the blog counter says 800 some hits.......it is actually 1,600 hits to date!  (as shown in the guts of this blog)  Still trying to fix and update the counter.


No Comment thus far from the letter I sent to my Aunt and Uncle.