Many years ago I was having a great deal of difficulty speaking with my parents. There were many contributing factors. I remember my mother telling me you can tell us anything! That does not guarantee you will continue to have support for who you are. It reminds me of a book I read many years ago. It is called,"Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am?" The answer is, "If I tell you who I am you may not like me." That is to say you might have some prejudices you have not addressed as yet. And maybe you don't want to. You may have some misinformation imbedded in your head that you are just plain happy to hold on to. It's the easiest thing to do. Change is difficult. Change rocks the boat and causes people to rethink many things and many people. Change can cause a great deal of pain. And the person being blamed for causing that pain is person who is a survivor of child sexual abuse. In this case anyway.
A friend of mine and I were talking at work and he told me of 3 gay couples who were planning on suing the state for the right to get married. He expressed that it was the wrong thing to do and I stated that if a very large number of couples came forward at once it would hold more impact. My friend said that some people choose to be the perpetual victim.
It got me to thinking that that is what it seems to be for the majority of people that come forward as survivors of child sexual abuse. The following words (next paragraph) I have copied and pasted from a note on Facebook. I do not wish to diminish the horrible nightmare that the parents went through when they lost their child. I only want to point out that when an infant or child is sexually molested it is much like being killed. The person that was going to be is no longer. Everything has changed and when you realize that you did survive child sexual abuse you need to morn the loss of that childhood. Survivors of child sexual abuse often hear the same callus things outlined below from "friends and family".
(From Facebook)
Losing our child/children did not guarantee us that we would receive compassion and understanding from others. It did not guarantee us that family and friends would understand our pain, our he...artbreak, our actions, our choices. It did not guarantee us that we would receive no more trial in our lives. Quite the opposite...we lose family and friends, we have been told to "get over it" to stop crying....well, one thing it does guarantee us is that we will meet the people we are supposed to meet, the ones who care, the ones who understand and I am thankful for those who have held my hand through this nightmare of a journey through grief.
(The response from a childhood friend of mine)
It breaks my heart that anyone would tell you and Jean to stop crying and get over it. Those of us who have never lost a child can in no way comprehend the pain and anguish that you have endured. I love you guys and will continue to keep you in my prayers!!
I do not believe that my friend knew this couple. My friend is married and a grandmother now. I do not know how she would respond to finding out I was a survivor of child sexual abuse. I would hope that she would have about the same response.
It is a very difficult thing to do as far as who to trust with your heart and who you can "come out to" as a survivor of sexual abuse. Sometimes you only have connections on the internet with others who are in the same boat or in a worse situation than you are. I find it difficult not to think of the children who are being molested as I write this and how many have been molested in the time it will take me to write this blog post! How many children have been molested and how many will be tossed under the bus in the future? How many years does this cycle continue?
Do you have a game plan or an idea to expand on the "works in progress" game plan that I have? PLEASE join in the conversation.
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