I have recently been thinking of how my father/molester told me I broke my mothers heart. There was a long separation between us. Almost 20 years. That happened because I could not get support for some volunteer work I was involved with. The only thing my relation wanted to hear about was the weather my work and my social life as far as movies concerts a walk in the park. Not the most open to a "rainbow lifestyle". Oh well. Move on. I was pretty much burning out and I told them if I could not get support I would just contact them when my volunteer project was over. It took longer than expected. I contacted my parents after the project ended. Shortly after that both my parents had strokes. I went to my home town for the first time in 20 years to see my mother at a rehabilitation hospital. She didn't like the food and gave the staff a few recipes for casseroles. I was rather shocked at her appearance when I first saw her. She was much older than I thought she would appear. She looked angry and tired. She told me in detail what happened with the details of her stroke with each step of the morning it happened. The alarm clock, the morning rituals, including the coffee in the kitchen where she had the stroke. I did not visit when my father/molester had his stroke I don't know how many months prior. My mother offered to have me stay in the spare room in their basement. I declined. I also declined to speak with my father/molester. I have been waiting for 20 years for him to answer a letter I wrote to him. I drove home and continued my life. I continued to write as well. I believe that was 3 or 4 letters ago. Now I am dealing with passive aggressiveness. I want to send her a card with a little boy speaking with his mother.....a Christmas Card that would read, "Mom, am I a son-of-a-Bitch"?!? How bout a card asking if she would like a new saddle or a tall ladder to get off her "High Horse"!!!! Maybe I could find one of those record your own cards and include a poem about "M" is for the many times...... I could open up a can of nastiness that would even shock me when I re-read it many months later. But that would only be continuing the back and forth volleying of hate and vengefulness. Getting back at someone who hurt you. Step back and ask yourself where did this begin? Did it begin with me? (I speak as a survivor of child sexual abuse) Did it begin with the survivor of child sexual abuse? It could not have! Logic dictates that what ever a person is reacting from happened to them first. There is acception to that rule as some people act differently after a major car accident with a brain injury. I do not know the variables regarding that situation.
I looked up "stages of heartbreak" and came to a site that explained perfectly what I believe. I was thinking of my mother and what she had gone through. This is what I found.
http://www.science20.com/variety_tap/science_behind_heartbreak_progress
The Physical Pain
Anyone who's ever gone through the emotional pain of a heartbreak more often than not can express the experience through the form of some type of physical pain. Emotions affect physical health in more ways than many realize, but how does the body physically feel the emotional loss; in other words, what is it that brings pain to the heartbreak?
"Pain is the way the mind responds to trouble inside the body," says Alex Zautra, a professor of psychology at Arizona State University. "Emotion is the same way. Whether you feel love or sadness is also a response to something you feel outside the body. With pain it is a closer-in response, to something inside the body, but it is a response in an attempt to learn about and motivate recovery."
The depression caused by heartbreak creates a barrier that can prevent us from feeling and experiencing life to the fullest, in all aspects. Symptoms vary byindividual and range from withdrawal from society to
physical sickness and pain. You lose a part of yourself when connections are lost, and its not far-fetched to say that you feel completely empty inside. There's an ache, a deep ache that erupts from the inside of our bodies longing for the past. The pain is real and there's no other way to describe how bad it really hurts than to name it heartbreak. Its a longing for the past and the pain of feeling completely empty and abandoned. It makes it hard to get up in the morning and to get through the day, but all wounds are inevitably healed through time, and thus you hope for the future to approach quicker.
When a person feels secluded or feels loss, changes in the brain's blood flow occur. The anterior cingulate cortex (responsible for regulating physical pain distress) becomes more active during these times. This is seen in victims of depression who also register physical pain due to the detection of nociception, which triggers a variety of responses, one which results in the experience of pain. People who are depressed or who are under extreme stress are more at risk to develop heart disease and other cardiovascular diseases based on research that found depression to help in thickening artery walls .
Although most pain of heartbreak is not that severe, it still has a profound effect on daily living. Symptoms of breakup might include loss of appetite, insomnia, headaches, stomachaches, nausea, a ton of tears, occasional nightmares, alcohol/substance abuse, depression, eating disorders, panic attacks, loss of interest, fatigue, loneliness and hopelessness.
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My heart felt a kinship with the words written about the physical pain. I felt bad that I am sure that my mother did experience this. I am angry that my father/molester has blamed me for harming my mother so brutally. To think of what the majority of people in my family/relation must feel about me......I am one of the most hated people I know. If you are a person who has tried to address child sexual abuse in your own family I am sure we are part of a Very Large Family Of Survivors! YOU MUST ALWAYS KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE! There are a great many people dealing with the same sad situation where your father/molester has tossed you under the bus. ( I was thinking of having a Halloween costume to represent) I could see myself in a plain white jump suit with tire tracks all over it! I was going to go so far as to investigate the actual cars certain people drove to have the correct imprint! Maybe some day. That would be funny and empowering if that became a trend. All the people who have been tossed under the bus.
We could take some group pictures but know we are strong enough to continue. No Matter What. And WITHOUT TAKING THE LAW INTO OUR OWN HANDS! *VERY IMPORTANT!
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http://www.science20.com/variety_tap/science_behind_heartbreak_progress
The Stages of Heartbreak:
Someone who is dealing with heartbreak follows patterns similar to those of the stages of death
1.Shock and Denial- you may deny the reality of the situation; this provides emotional protection from feeling overwhelmed by the situation. The shock of loss allows a state of emptiness to move in, clouding most judgment.
2.Pain and Guilt-after the shock wears off it becomes replaced with suffering and unbearable pain. Regret for things you did wrong, or things that you weren’t able to do with this person adds to further tears. Life feels chaotic during this time, and its best to openly discuss feelings and stray from bottling up your emotions
3. Anger and Bargaining- lashing out is a common form of attempting to release all unspoken emotions. This is the stage where the “why why why?!” questioning comes in. The pleas for returned love run rapid, trying to bargain with fate or with the person who was just lost.
4. Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness- like everyone else in this situation, a period of sadness clouds and
absorb your entire sense of being, leaving feelings of emptiness. This feeling occurs when you finally realize and accept the magnitude of your loss. Isolation from people is exceedingly normal, and offers a time to reflect on the past.
5. Acceptance and an Upward Turn- The feelings of depression lift slightly and life becomes possible to survive without that person so deeply intertwined with each activity. The days are a little easier to shuffle through, and you see the possibility of continuation. The reality of the situation is fully accepted and, although happiness may not return for some time, the ability to move forward has occurred.
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I can not tell you how relieved I was to actually find this written out in such an intelligent way! There may be some who have a slightly different explanation and with the many people on this planet I am sure that there
would be many variations for as many people. There is no graph or pie chart to explain how long each stage lasts as that is such a personal thing. What ever that personal experience is is something that I consider sacred. Sacred in that what ever happens with each person is what should happen with each person and it is of the "Utmost private thing". WE CAN NOT JUDGE. WE HAVE TO TRY TO BE THE BEST SUPPORT FOR EACH OTHER THAT WE CAN. I personally believe that number 5 is the hardest to get to. There are just some things that you just can not wrap your mind around. In your wildest dreams you can not believe that the situation you are in could ever happen! And to you! BUT YOUR STILL HERE ARNT YOU! So thank GOD that you are a survivor~! AND TRUST ME IF YOU ARE READING THIS YOU HAVE SURVIVED EVERYTHING TO DATE!
Number 5 is where some people will never get to. I believe one of those people is my mother. I am so hated because of that. If I am at fault at all, my father/molester is equally guilty. He is guilty of lies and I am guilty of honesty. Remember, if you have read any of my blog you know that I am ready to take any test to calculate any mental impairment on my part as long as my father/molester would consent to a polygraph.
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If I was part of the act of breaking my mothers heart, did it begin with me? Think logically for a moment. My mother is what age? and I am what age? The only way to look at this logically is that a survivor of child sexual abuse has their heart broken before their mother has their heart broken. It is a horrible thing to think about, your mother's heard breaking but I acted "in the moment" and as my mother "will not accept/will not face?/will never believe" that her loving, supportive, very involved family man could ever or would ever sexually molest his/their son" I have a hard time pretending that the years of sexual abuse didn't happen. "as he proclaimed".
Reread the stages of the Anatomy of Heartbreak and know that many infants and children experience just that as they grow up and survive child sexual abuse. There needs to be equal compassion to the survivors as well as the wives of molesters.
The cycle seems to be in an infinite loop. How many years have we been trying to address child sexual abuse? How have we made progress? How have we failed? Who is speaking and being heard? How have they done that? Are the people who are being heard making any progress? How do get heard if we DO have some answers and no one will listen?
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