Thursday, March 25, 2010

Speaking with my abuser and his wife

I spoke with my birth father a few days ago and his wife the day after. It is difficult to think of these people as my father and mother. If you have read my blog before you know I do not feel a person who was my pedophile should be given the title of father. I did call him dad during the conversation but that was a struggle. I think I did that because recently he and his wife have had some medical issues and I have some empathy for them. I have called him by his first name on many occasions as I felt that that was the most respectful way to address him without crossing the boundary to bring insult to majority of men who do not molest their children.

For now my birth father is an angry man who has had a stroke and recently broke his arm. He is mad at the world and angry at God. He feels everyone hates him including God! "Has anyone said anything to you to make you believe that they hate you?" was a probing question I had. " one has said anything to make me feel that way." was his response. I pointed out to him my beliefs even though they differ from his Catholic. God is perfect and God does not Hate Anyone! I explained to him that I believe that we ALL choose what we live through and so in fact we can NOT blame God as God does NOT make our choices. We put these things in front of us to learn from. It would be SO EASY to Blame God IF God put these things in front of us! God would not be perfect if he chose many different things for each person. As I have stated before I do remember this. I remember this because of what I chose to live through as an infant and child. I had to remember something when I was growing up in order to survive. That's not to say I am better than anyone else it's just to say I chose more. I guess I felt I needed to experience more for the knowledge I wanted to acquire this time on the earthly plane. I spoke with my birth father for about 45 minutes and said as many encouraging things as I could. There was little to no speaking about what I was going through and I believe there is virtually no chance for myself to resolve anything with this very abusive man I grew up with and survived.

There are people in my life who do not hold the same beliefs as I do but I pay attention to my dreams and have had many premonitory dreams. One dream I had many years ago was of my birth father on his death bed and him saying, "I'm sorry." In the dream I ask what he is sorry for. He will reply that he is, "Just sorry" and he will not elaborate any more than that. From what I have read in Gnostic Teachings the saying, "To err is human, to forgive Devine" is defined and clarified to state we on this earth are human and some things we can not I do not see myself forgiving a man who molested me for years and then tossing me under the bus claiming I had a great deal of mental impairment to even believe he touched me in any inappropriate way.

I have written a few emails to my siblings through face book and one by regular email but it does not look promising that our relationship will get any better. They are near my parents and I am always thought of as "the bad guy" but I did not do these things to myself. What logical way is there to explain my reactions to these people. It appears no matter what I do or say there is no possible way they will meet me half way. I really don't know how many years I wrote and called the matriarch of my paternal fathers family to try to address child sexual abuse but it always seemed to me that what ever "olive branch" I extended was chewed up and spit back in my face. This coming from a former teacher and former religious.

Some things that we try to accomplish will never be resolved until we reach the other side when we go home to be with God and our friends and family. I have read many peoples stories and have seen many people who try their entire lives and never reach their birth families. They cry and feel that the ONLY people who can be their family are their birth family. I would encourage anyone who is in this predicament to seek out alternatives and try to trust others who are willing to be surragate family members. Easier said than done as I am struggleing with this as I type this blog. I have tried for a few years and have so far been welcomed in by maybe five or six people. Five people in one family and another in a differnt town north of where I live. You only drag yourself down if your birth family will not be there for you. You need to at some point just move on. Keep the door open to conversation and some kind of reconnection but don't beat a dead horse "as they say".

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