Tuesday, March 23, 2010

When you cross a boundry, some titles should never be used again.

You are a sexual virgin when you are born. Hopefully when you have your first sexual encounter you are at the adult age to deal with such a monumental act to lose your virginity. So when you "cross that bridge" so to speak you are no longer a virgin.
When you are a father and you cross the boundary to touch your child in a sexual way or place your child in a dangerous place of sexual activity you should no longer be called father, dad, papa or any other name of respect and you no longer should have any reason to celebrate "fathers day". That is what I think. If you deny the acts and every one else believes that a person has accused you without provocation then what happens is systematically the abused is pushed out of the family. When that happens there is continued "bad blood" that grows and grows to the point of no return. No matter what you say or do I do not believe that there is any going back. From what I see there is no way to mend the hurt that has happened.

If there IS a way to mend the hurt....it would be for the person who was sexually abused to come forth and announce very vocally that they were lying or that they have some kind of mental impairment to have suggested such a thing in the first place. I have had panic attacks and have had some incidents of emotional imbalance as a result of the sexual abuse but not the other way around. It is "cause and effect"....not "effect and cause". I would be willing to take any test that anyone in my relation would take, but I know that that is never going to happen. So there I am at a dead end. With my family anyway. It is nothing new to come to a dead end. What do others do? I have no idea but I do have an idea that for the most part most go along with the flow and deny their abuses. It is sad because the only thing that comes of that is the continuation of abuse. If the abuse continues and they (the abusers) feel that they got away with it, somewhere along the line they may slip up and expose themselves but again.....I would believe that the majority of them do not come forward. The cycle can continue even when someone gets caught.

How do we break this cycle? It would be difficult but more people have to come forward. Maybe there could be way for the survivors to come together and brain storm?

I have called my birth mother recently and she could not talk as an aunt had just stopped by. I was calling because both my birth mother and birth father have recently had some medical issues to deal with. I did call a number of times to speak with her during the medical crises and I did write a letter and sent a card during the winter holiday season. I did not hear one word from them at all. If it were any of my siblings who called when my aunt stopped by it would be an opportunity for the aunt to speak with the niece or nephew but not with me. I am the bad person in every ones view. Twenty years and counting of shutting me out. Is that enough to break me down? What should I do? Where can I find a surrogate family if there is no hope for me to be a part of the people who have been so vengeful? I believe there will be justice at some point but we need to let that be for God to figure out if it does not happen here on this earth.

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