Monday, March 8, 2010

Reaching my Sexual Peak at Four Years Old

The title sounds crazy but what if that were the truth? For me I believe it is. Just think of it. When I was four years old I introduced to my first group sex. I was given beer and marijuana and was the center of attention. I knew my sexuality and enjoyed all that took place. I was sexually molested in all the houses that I lived in from the time I was months old and while it was uncomfortable it was still enjoyable. This place was a relatives house. I was there with a younger male sibling but he went to bed earlier than I and when it was time for me to go to bed I was told I was going to go to "the big boys room". The trusted friend who was watching all of us children made a point to tell me this! I felt proud that I was going to be in the "Big boys room!". My heart gave a jump when we were going up the stairs and then down the hall to "the big boys room". I remember looking at him when he made this announcement. When we got there the room was dimly lit and there was beer there. I don't recall how many people were there to begin with but there was a great deal of smoke. I could breath it. It was not harsh like cigarette smoke like my parents. It most likely did not take a great deal of time for me to be affected by the beer and strange smoke. I was having trouble following the directions that the trusted friend gave to me to be able to orally please him, or all the others. If anyone needed to urinate during the course of the evening they were instructed to urinate out a window through the screen. There was a big yellow stain down the side of the house the next day that someone took a yard hose to. I am not sure It did much good. I remember at one point I was not following his instructions as well as he would have liked and he slapped me....hard across the face and told me to follow his orders more closely. I found out that the duration of what was happening was shorter when I was doing what he told me to do. I learned that they would ejaculate more quickly when I followed orders. So I followed orders more closely. I did not know what the strange liquid was when I was following orders and when I asked the trusted friend he told me, "It's good for you!" I certainly did not know at the time it was sperm. I also did not know that I could get sick from it and two weeks later when I started coughing my parents had no idea that this was my first case of gonorrhea. It took at least 3-4 weeks of coughing before someone decided to test me for that sexual disease. My mother came to me to ask how I got this. What was I to say? Every time anything sexual happened to me....especially from her husband I just buried it as I had no words to tell anyone.
I clearly remember the doctor telling my parents that this incident would never be put into my medical records. At the time I did not know why. I would find out many years later that this kind of thing....along with the survivor would be best swept under the rug.

To look at things from a logical point of view I feel we have to look at our BASE. We are animals. Human animals but animals just the same and we are subject to the same reactions as any animal who is violated. I knew who I was sexually and I enjoyed what was happening. I remember being able to just stand there and orally serve the many young men who offered themselves up to my attention.
I remember the trusted friend taking me down the dimly lit hall to look out the window to the circular dirt path in the farm yard and seeing all the cars there and the trusted friend telling me, "They're all here for you!" Gee that made me feel special. But I was there to be used. To be used and pushed aside. It was a theme I was to be familiar with all my life.

At one point I was told to take a nap and I remember I was shall we say, "feeling no pain" when a female cousin of mine came to me when I was in bed and told me I should come with her or she wasn't going to help me. I stayed and told her I was going to sleep. "O.K. That's it." Was her response and she left.

The most bizarre part of the evening was when I was orally serving a young man who was a little taller and he began holding me by the back of my head when his "member" was shoved down my throat. I was having trouble breathing at this point and my legs were dangling off the ground. My feet kept hitting him in the shins as he rocked his hips to get the maximume pleasure from my mouth and throat. Things just started to go a light grey and I just drifted away. I saw him from above when I was no longer in my body and then I found myself in an oval shaped room that had no defined shape to it. It was a light pinkish white color. I was dead. Since ultimately I chose to come back it was a near death experience. I saw a large figure who I tried to hug and he put a large hand out which connected with my chest. to hold me at bay. A short time later my spirit guide was there and held me as I assesed where I was and why I was there. He told me that I had to decide what I wanted to do. He told me that I did not have a great deal of time as if I took too much time and still wanted to go back I would have mental imparment. I did not want to be rushed and told him that I needed time. He gave me 15 minutes. I was also told to go to view three port windows in this non-decript room to help me make up my mind. I was able to view three different scenes......three different scenes of my future to help me dicide. I remember two of the three were very nice scenes so I decided to stay. I reenered my body with a big gasp of air as God helped reanimate me and the first thing I remember is that the room was Empty! The parking lot of strange cars were also gone. The trusted friend was holding me in his lap and his heart was beating very quickly. I could hear his heart pounding! I was put to bed shortly after this.....but he as punishment withheld headache medicine and breakfast the next day.

I did not want to get up the next day and I had a very horrible headache. I was not given anything for the pounding hang over. Can you imagine a hang over at age 4 years old? I finally did get up and went to the kitchen. I was in the corner of the kitchen partly hiding on the side of a cabinet. The trusted friend was at the opposit corner of the room doing something that I could not see. He said, "Your just lucky you didn't die!" "I DID die!"was my little voiced response. I was not allowed to eat.

Not right away and maybe an hour or later I was given an asprin or something like that.

I remember when my parents showed up I was made to thank the trusted friend who was in charge. I was more dead than alive.

Even with all the marijuana that was smoked in that little mid-western Wisconsin town I am sure that someone remembers the day the little boy died at the party. The problem is, was my little brother touched and violated in another room? And will anyone have the back bone to come forward to verify any of what they witnessed? I am going to try to send my blog to that little midwestern town to see.


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