Speaking with my abuser and his wife

I spoke with my birth father a few days ago and his wife the day after. It is difficult to think of these people as my father and mother. If you have read my blog before you know I do not feel a person who was my pedophile should be given the title of father. I did call him dad during the conversation but that was a struggle. I think I did that because recently he and his wife have had some medical issues and I have some empathy for them. I have called him by his first name on many occasions as I felt that that was the most respectful way to address him without crossing the boundary to bring insult to majority of men who do not molest their children.

For now my birth father is an angry man who has had a stroke and recently broke his arm. He is mad at the world and angry at God. He feels everyone hates him including God! "Has anyone said anything to you to make you believe that they hate you?" was a probing question I had. "No....no one has said anything to make me feel that way." was his response. I pointed out to him my beliefs even though they differ from his Catholic. God is perfect and God does not Hate Anyone! I explained to him that I believe that we ALL choose what we live through and so in fact we can NOT blame God as God does NOT make our choices. We put these things in front of us to learn from. It would be SO EASY to Blame God IF God put these things in front of us! God would not be perfect if he chose many different things for each person. As I have stated before I do remember this. I remember this because of what I chose to live through as an infant and child. I had to remember something when I was growing up in order to survive. That's not to say I am better than anyone else it's just to say I chose more. I guess I felt I needed to experience more for the knowledge I wanted to acquire this time on the earthly plane. I spoke with my birth father for about 45 minutes and said as many encouraging things as I could. There was little to no speaking about what I was going through and I believe there is virtually no chance for myself to resolve anything with this very abusive man I grew up with and survived.

There are people in my life who do not hold the same beliefs as I do but I pay attention to my dreams and have had many premonitory dreams. One dream I had many years ago was of my birth father on his death bed and him saying, "I'm sorry." In the dream I ask what he is sorry for. He will reply that he is, "Just sorry" and he will not elaborate any more than that. From what I have read in Gnostic Teachings the saying, "To err is human, to forgive Devine" is defined and clarified to state we on this earth are human and some things we can not forgive.....so I do not see myself forgiving a man who molested me for years and then tossing me under the bus claiming I had a great deal of mental impairment to even believe he touched me in any inappropriate way.

I have written a few emails to my siblings through face book and one by regular email but it does not look promising that our relationship will get any better. They are near my parents and I am always thought of as "the bad guy" but I did not do these things to myself. What logical way is there to explain my reactions to these people. It appears no matter what I do or say there is no possible way they will meet me half way. I really don't know how many years I wrote and called the matriarch of my paternal fathers family to try to address child sexual abuse but it always seemed to me that what ever "olive branch" I extended was chewed up and spit back in my face. This coming from a former teacher and former religious.

Some things that we try to accomplish will never be resolved until we reach the other side when we go home to be with God and our friends and family. I have read many peoples stories and have seen many people who try their entire lives and never reach their birth families. They cry and feel that the ONLY people who can be their family are their birth family. I would encourage anyone who is in this predicament to seek out alternatives and try to trust others who are willing to be surragate family members. Easier said than done as I am struggleing with this as I type this blog. I have tried for a few years and have so far been welcomed in by maybe five or six people. Five people in one family and another in a differnt town north of where I live. You only drag yourself down if your birth family will not be there for you. You need to at some point just move on. Keep the door open to conversation and some kind of reconnection but don't beat a dead horse "as they say".

Help From A Police Chief? /Empathy for People Attracted to Children in a Sexual Way

In my quest to address child sexual abuse I have been reaching out to people. One thing I have done is to send emails and telephone the small community where the most abusive sexual acts happened. This was also the place where I had a near death experience as a result of the sexual abuse. I have not made reference to where this town is and I do not intend to. I am not interested in a campaign to bring fear and discredit the people in that town as I know there are some wonderful people there and the acts of some do not reflect the town as a whole. I sent emails out to the town to the places where I thought they might address child sexual abuse and asked them to forward the email to the proper people if I had not. I did get an email from the Chief Of Police and it felt great to get any response but in hind site I do not trust the supposed olive branch that has been extended. What I have asked for from this small town is to post my blog and to ask any and all people who have been affected by this national disgrace to read and respond. Well....how can anyone respond when for the most part the people I know just turn their back on the survivor and support the person who has an attraction to and acts upon that attraction to children. In my own "family" I have been told,It didn't happen!" and "it doesn't exist!" The Chief of Police wrote a short email and told me if I would like to meet in person he would see what we could do to "work together". In speaking with a the few friends I have who believe that anything even happened in my turbulent childhood I was told to tread lightly. I do not know if this Chief of Police has read this blog and I am not sure if he has looked on here more than once to see if I am writing anything as a follow up to my reaching out to them. What I do know is that I am going to write him back and ask many questions and find out EXACTLY why he feels we need to meet in person. I believe what will most likely happen is he will be doing some investigating of his own. I believe he is most likely upset about what I may expose about what happened to me in their town. At this point I do not need to travel all that way to just be interrogated about my experiences. I don't need to set myself up or be accused of anything more than my concern and passion to help children to just have a childhood. I really did not Have a childhood.

I have not as yet reached out to speak with the people who are attracted to children sexually and I don't even know the proper way of doing that. Oprah Winfrey has done it as she is a powerful woman and I applaud what she has done and continues to do but I do not believe she is asking all the questions that need to be asked. I do not see her having a show about what happens to the family and how many hundreds of thousands of survivors are abandoned. It really tears the very fabric of the family apart and the blame is for the most part placed squarely on the shoulders of the person who was sexually abused. This only ads insult to injury. Salt on the not yet healed wounds. Knives in the back. And what is my and any other persons reaction going to be when all we want is to address this issue. It is not living in the past, it is trying to address the past so it does not continue. It continues if you do not address the issue and help all people affected. I have said it before and it bears repeating.......Picture a calm pond and visualize a large boulder dropped in the center of that pond. The ripples that boulder creates are the same as in life. The place where the boulder is dropped is the place there child sexual abuse has happened and the ripples travel outward and affect each and every person that the survivor comes in contact with.

I have great empathy toward the people who are attracted to children in a sexual way. It must be really difficult to keep those feelings in check. And the guilt and repercussions of what happens afterward must also be a terrible thing. For most. There are some who have no conscience and they need to be taken off the streets permanently but I believe that most struggle with this their whole lives. I can relate somewhat about this and liken it to someone who is not heterosexual and is told in so many words to hide who they are and not "come out". The people who are attracted to children in a sexual way seem to be attracted to a certain age. There have been many I have read about who have had more than a few arrests and it is usually with a child of a age range. Micheal Jackson for instance was accused of child sexual abuse with little boys of a certain age and it happened more than just a few times. He was a child performer from a very young age. Has anyone asked or investigated what Michael Jackson was involved in when [he himself was that age]? Is it not reasonable to believe that the age of a child he "may have been attracted to" and "may have acted upon" was the same age range that he himself was possibly sexually abused? To me it just makes sense. I personally believe that Micheal Jackson was a pedophile. He was a great songwriter and amazing performer but I do believe that sexual abuse was a part of his childhood and it continued into his short adult life. In the eyes of the court he was deemed Innocent. There are some who will agree with me but he was so popular that I do not believe I am going to have a very big following because of my views about the man/boy. It is not a cut to refer to him in this way. I believe he was very tormented person. Conflicted with what I believe was an abusive and turbulent childhood.

I recently looked up the sexual registry from my home town and some surrounding towns. I recognized a number of names and looked up their history and what they had been convicted with. One name in particular caught my eye. I recognized it to be the name of my younger sisters friend from high school. He is maybe a year younger than me. I want to reach out to him but I do not know what to expect. I want to ask him when he first became aware of his attraction to children. I want to ask him if he remembers his own childhood. I firmly believe that we should ALL remember our childhoods and that what happens in our childhoods greatly affects the people we grow up to be. I have mixed emotions about digging up a persons childhood sexual abuse because those kinds of memories surface when a person is able to address them and deal with them from an adult stand point. I remembered my own sexual abuse when I was around 27 years old. If you have read anything about this kind of thing you will see that I am pretty much "text book". It is very usual for this to happen at this age. I know of one person who was a friend of a friend that remembered her sexual abuse when she was in her mid to late 50's and I am not sure when it took her so long. She had remembered her older brother raping her many times. Many believe that these "memories" are just a ploy to get attention. That's one of the many ways to shut a person up. I have not placed my name on this blog and I have NEVER gone out of my way to get attention. I am only wanting to get attention to addressing child sexual abuse.

I am going to ask anyone reading this to send this blog address to as many people as you can. Send it to people you know who struggle with attraction to children, send it to teachers, to people in the church, people who may be a radio personality, sent it to newspapers who could post it in their health section. I want to bring this subject more into the open. Lets stop hiding.

UPDATE on "Help From A Police Chief"

The following is an email I sent to the Chief of Police from the small town where I was sexually molested and had my near death experience.


Dear Mr. XXXX

After some thought and a few conversations with the few friends who believe and support me about my abusive past I really have to safe guard myself from people who may have their own agenda?

Before I would visit you I need to know a few things.

Are you concerned about Bloomer being in the news about the subject of child sexual abuse?
Would there be other people there to asses my validity in being a survivor of child sexual abuse?
Do you have any intention of having any kind of task force to investigate the continuation of child sexual abuse?
Is there a history of people reporting child sexual abuse?
If I would decide to trust enough to visit you would you object to me bringing a person or two along with me for the little meeting you have proposed?

If you know anything about this subject you will know that the majority of people begin to remember sexual abuse when they are able to address it.
This means when they are in their mid to last twenties. Are you aware of young adults coming forward when they begin to have memories?

Has there ever been an opportunity to speak with a group of people who are in treatment do deal with their attraction to child molesters?

What I was trying to do when I first wrote and called [your town] it was to get my blog site published. There is no town named in the blog...it only states that the abuse happened in a small farming community. I do not intend at this time to "out" any person or town as that is not the focus. The focus is to get the word out that it can happen in any place from the largest metropolis to the smallest of towns. The people who really need to be reached are the people who "for what ever reason" protect the men and sometimes women who are attracted to young children and act upon that attraction.

I would really need to know more about what I am getting myself into before sticking my neck out yet again to only find I am once again walking into another brick wall.

Sincerely,

XXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXX


The response was.....

XXXX,

I would be more than happy to sit and talk with you.