Thursday, March 25, 2010

Speaking with my abuser and his wife

I spoke with my birth father a few days ago and his wife the day after. It is difficult to think of these people as my father and mother. If you have read my blog before you know I do not feel a person who was my pedophile should be given the title of father. I did call him dad during the conversation but that was a struggle. I think I did that because recently he and his wife have had some medical issues and I have some empathy for them. I have called him by his first name on many occasions as I felt that that was the most respectful way to address him without crossing the boundary to bring insult to majority of men who do not molest their children.

For now my birth father is an angry man who has had a stroke and recently broke his arm. He is mad at the world and angry at God. He feels everyone hates him including God! "Has anyone said anything to you to make you believe that they hate you?" was a probing question I had. "No....no one has said anything to make me feel that way." was his response. I pointed out to him my beliefs even though they differ from his Catholic. God is perfect and God does not Hate Anyone! I explained to him that I believe that we ALL choose what we live through and so in fact we can NOT blame God as God does NOT make our choices. We put these things in front of us to learn from. It would be SO EASY to Blame God IF God put these things in front of us! God would not be perfect if he chose many different things for each person. As I have stated before I do remember this. I remember this because of what I chose to live through as an infant and child. I had to remember something when I was growing up in order to survive. That's not to say I am better than anyone else it's just to say I chose more. I guess I felt I needed to experience more for the knowledge I wanted to acquire this time on the earthly plane. I spoke with my birth father for about 45 minutes and said as many encouraging things as I could. There was little to no speaking about what I was going through and I believe there is virtually no chance for myself to resolve anything with this very abusive man I grew up with and survived.

There are people in my life who do not hold the same beliefs as I do but I pay attention to my dreams and have had many premonitory dreams. One dream I had many years ago was of my birth father on his death bed and him saying, "I'm sorry." In the dream I ask what he is sorry for. He will reply that he is, "Just sorry" and he will not elaborate any more than that. From what I have read in Gnostic Teachings the saying, "To err is human, to forgive Devine" is defined and clarified to state we on this earth are human and some things we can not forgive.....so I do not see myself forgiving a man who molested me for years and then tossing me under the bus claiming I had a great deal of mental impairment to even believe he touched me in any inappropriate way.

I have written a few emails to my siblings through face book and one by regular email but it does not look promising that our relationship will get any better. They are near my parents and I am always thought of as "the bad guy" but I did not do these things to myself. What logical way is there to explain my reactions to these people. It appears no matter what I do or say there is no possible way they will meet me half way. I really don't know how many years I wrote and called the matriarch of my paternal fathers family to try to address child sexual abuse but it always seemed to me that what ever "olive branch" I extended was chewed up and spit back in my face. This coming from a former teacher and former religious.

Some things that we try to accomplish will never be resolved until we reach the other side when we go home to be with God and our friends and family. I have read many peoples stories and have seen many people who try their entire lives and never reach their birth families. They cry and feel that the ONLY people who can be their family are their birth family. I would encourage anyone who is in this predicament to seek out alternatives and try to trust others who are willing to be surragate family members. Easier said than done as I am struggleing with this as I type this blog. I have tried for a few years and have so far been welcomed in by maybe five or six people. Five people in one family and another in a differnt town north of where I live. You only drag yourself down if your birth family will not be there for you. You need to at some point just move on. Keep the door open to conversation and some kind of reconnection but don't beat a dead horse "as they say".

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Asking Oprah to do a show about people abandoned because they dare to speak out.

Please do a show about the people who TRY to address child sexual abuse and are abandoned by their families as a result of this. There is a vast number of people that this affects and they are a group of people who are not given a voice in the growing issue of child sexual abuse. People who are given the choice to sweep it all under the rug and are supported by their families are also a group of people who should be a part of the show. PLEASE consider a show like this as I believe this to be a KEY ELEMENT to addressing child sexual abuse and tapping into the Main reason child sexual abuse continues to grow! Reach out to the people who for the most part DO NOT have a voice or choose to be silent to be able to HAVE some semblance OF a family. REACH OUT also to the people who PROTECT the pedophiles and find out WHY!

I have written to the Oprah Winfrey Show before and implore you to Please Consider my words. The epidemic grows each day and I believe we will never catch up to the growth until we ask the questions that need to be asked to the people that are NEVER reached. Thank you.

Here is my blog address.

http://addresschildsexualabuse.blogspot.com/?zx=9eedbf5be3fe551c

If you read my blog......Email Oprah to ask for a show for the abandoned survivors.

When you cross a boundry, some titles should never be used again.

You are a sexual virgin when you are born. Hopefully when you have your first sexual encounter you are at the adult age to deal with such a monumental act to lose your virginity. So when you "cross that bridge" so to speak you are no longer a virgin.
When you are a father and you cross the boundary to touch your child in a sexual way or place your child in a dangerous place of sexual activity you should no longer be called father, dad, papa or any other name of respect and you no longer should have any reason to celebrate "fathers day". That is what I think. If you deny the acts and every one else believes that a person has accused you without provocation then what happens is systematically the abused is pushed out of the family. When that happens there is continued "bad blood" that grows and grows to the point of no return. No matter what you say or do I do not believe that there is any going back. From what I see there is no way to mend the hurt that has happened.

If there IS a way to mend the hurt....it would be for the person who was sexually abused to come forth and announce very vocally that they were lying or that they have some kind of mental impairment to have suggested such a thing in the first place. I have had panic attacks and have had some incidents of emotional imbalance as a result of the sexual abuse but not the other way around. It is "cause and effect"....not "effect and cause". I would be willing to take any test that anyone in my relation would take, but I know that that is never going to happen. So there I am at a dead end. With my family anyway. It is nothing new to come to a dead end. What do others do? I have no idea but I do have an idea that for the most part most go along with the flow and deny their abuses. It is sad because the only thing that comes of that is the continuation of abuse. If the abuse continues and they (the abusers) feel that they got away with it, somewhere along the line they may slip up and expose themselves but again.....I would believe that the majority of them do not come forward. The cycle can continue even when someone gets caught.

How do we break this cycle? It would be difficult but more people have to come forward. Maybe there could be way for the survivors to come together and brain storm?

I have called my birth mother recently and she could not talk as an aunt had just stopped by. I was calling because both my birth mother and birth father have recently had some medical issues to deal with. I did call a number of times to speak with her during the medical crises and I did write a letter and sent a card during the winter holiday season. I did not hear one word from them at all. If it were any of my siblings who called when my aunt stopped by it would be an opportunity for the aunt to speak with the niece or nephew but not with me. I am the bad person in every ones view. Twenty years and counting of shutting me out. Is that enough to break me down? What should I do? Where can I find a surrogate family if there is no hope for me to be a part of the people who have been so vengeful? I believe there will be justice at some point but we need to let that be for God to figure out if it does not happen here on this earth.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Help From A Police Chief? /Empathy for People Attracted to Children in a Sexual Way

In my quest to address child sexual abuse I have been reaching out to people. One thing I have done is to send emails and telephone the small community where the most abusive sexual acts happened. This was also the place where I had a near death experience as a result of the sexual abuse. I have not made reference to where this town is and I do not intend to. I am not interested in a campaign to bring fear and discredit the people in that town as I know there are some wonderful people there and the acts of some do not reflect the town as a whole. I sent emails out to the town to the places where I thought they might address child sexual abuse and asked them to forward the email to the proper people if I had not. I did get an email from the Chief Of Police and it felt great to get any response but in hind site I do not trust the supposed olive branch that has been extended. What I have asked for from this small town is to post my blog and to ask any and all people who have been affected by this national disgrace to read and respond. Well....how can anyone respond when for the most part the people I know just turn their back on the survivor and support the person who has an attraction to and acts upon that attraction to children. In my own "family" I have been told,It didn't happen!" and "it doesn't exist!" The Chief of Police wrote a short email and told me if I would like to meet in person he would see what we could do to "work together". In speaking with a the few friends I have who believe that anything even happened in my turbulent childhood I was told to tread lightly. I do not know if this Chief of Police has read this blog and I am not sure if he has looked on here more than once to see if I am writing anything as a follow up to my reaching out to them. What I do know is that I am going to write him back and ask many questions and find out EXACTLY why he feels we need to meet in person. I believe what will most likely happen is he will be doing some investigating of his own. I believe he is most likely upset about what I may expose about what happened to me in their town. At this point I do not need to travel all that way to just be interrogated about my experiences. I don't need to set myself up or be accused of anything more than my concern and passion to help children to just have a childhood. I really did not Have a childhood.

I have not as yet reached out to speak with the people who are attracted to children sexually and I don't even know the proper way of doing that. Oprah Winfrey has done it as she is a powerful woman and I applaud what she has done and continues to do but I do not believe she is asking all the questions that need to be asked. I do not see her having a show about what happens to the family and how many hundreds of thousands of survivors are abandoned. It really tears the very fabric of the family apart and the blame is for the most part placed squarely on the shoulders of the person who was sexually abused. This only ads insult to injury. Salt on the not yet healed wounds. Knives in the back. And what is my and any other persons reaction going to be when all we want is to address this issue. It is not living in the past, it is trying to address the past so it does not continue. It continues if you do not address the issue and help all people affected. I have said it before and it bears repeating.......Picture a calm pond and visualize a large boulder dropped in the center of that pond. The ripples that boulder creates are the same as in life. The place where the boulder is dropped is the place there child sexual abuse has happened and the ripples travel outward and affect each and every person that the survivor comes in contact with.

I have great empathy toward the people who are attracted to children in a sexual way. It must be really difficult to keep those feelings in check. And the guilt and repercussions of what happens afterward must also be a terrible thing. For most. There are some who have no conscience and they need to be taken off the streets permanently but I believe that most struggle with this their whole lives. I can relate somewhat about this and liken it to someone who is not heterosexual and is told in so many words to hide who they are and not "come out". The people who are attracted to children in a sexual way seem to be attracted to a certain age. There have been many I have read about who have had more than a few arrests and it is usually with a child of a age range. Micheal Jackson for instance was accused of child sexual abuse with little boys of a certain age and it happened more than just a few times. He was a child performer from a very young age. Has anyone asked or investigated what Michael Jackson was involved in when [he himself was that age]? Is it not reasonable to believe that the age of a child he "may have been attracted to" and "may have acted upon" was the same age range that he himself was possibly sexually abused? To me it just makes sense. I personally believe that Micheal Jackson was a pedophile. He was a great songwriter and amazing performer but I do believe that sexual abuse was a part of his childhood and it continued into his short adult life. In the eyes of the court he was deemed Innocent. There are some who will agree with me but he was so popular that I do not believe I am going to have a very big following because of my views about the man/boy. It is not a cut to refer to him in this way. I believe he was very tormented person. Conflicted with what I believe was an abusive and turbulent childhood.

I recently looked up the sexual registry from my home town and some surrounding towns. I recognized a number of names and looked up their history and what they had been convicted with. One name in particular caught my eye. I recognized it to be the name of my younger sisters friend from high school. He is maybe a year younger than me. I want to reach out to him but I do not know what to expect. I want to ask him when he first became aware of his attraction to children. I want to ask him if he remembers his own childhood. I firmly believe that we should ALL remember our childhoods and that what happens in our childhoods greatly affects the people we grow up to be. I have mixed emotions about digging up a persons childhood sexual abuse because those kinds of memories surface when a person is able to address them and deal with them from an adult stand point. I remembered my own sexual abuse when I was around 27 years old. If you have read anything about this kind of thing you will see that I am pretty much "text book". It is very usual for this to happen at this age. I know of one person who was a friend of a friend that remembered her sexual abuse when she was in her mid to late 50's and I am not sure when it took her so long. She had remembered her older brother raping her many times. Many believe that these "memories" are just a ploy to get attention. That's one of the many ways to shut a person up. I have not placed my name on this blog and I have NEVER gone out of my way to get attention. I am only wanting to get attention to addressing child sexual abuse.

I am going to ask anyone reading this to send this blog address to as many people as you can. Send it to people you know who struggle with attraction to children, send it to teachers, to people in the church, people who may be a radio personality, sent it to newspapers who could post it in their health section. I want to bring this subject more into the open. Lets stop hiding.

UPDATE on "Help From A Police Chief"

The following is an email I sent to the Chief of Police from the small town where I was sexually molested and had my near death experience.


Dear Mr. XXXX

After some thought and a few conversations with the few friends who believe and support me about my abusive past I really have to safe guard myself from people who may have their own agenda?

Before I would visit you I need to know a few things.

Are you concerned about Bloomer being in the news about the subject of child sexual abuse?
Would there be other people there to asses my validity in being a survivor of child sexual abuse?
Do you have any intention of having any kind of task force to investigate the continuation of child sexual abuse?
Is there a history of people reporting child sexual abuse?
If I would decide to trust enough to visit you would you object to me bringing a person or two along with me for the little meeting you have proposed?

If you know anything about this subject you will know that the majority of people begin to remember sexual abuse when they are able to address it.
This means when they are in their mid to last twenties. Are you aware of young adults coming forward when they begin to have memories?

Has there ever been an opportunity to speak with a group of people who are in treatment do deal with their attraction to child molesters?

What I was trying to do when I first wrote and called [your town] it was to get my blog site published. There is no town named in the blog...it only states that the abuse happened in a small farming community. I do not intend at this time to "out" any person or town as that is not the focus. The focus is to get the word out that it can happen in any place from the largest metropolis to the smallest of towns. The people who really need to be reached are the people who "for what ever reason" protect the men and sometimes women who are attracted to young children and act upon that attraction.

I would really need to know more about what I am getting myself into before sticking my neck out yet again to only find I am once again walking into another brick wall.

Sincerely,

XXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXX


The response was.....

XXXX,

I would be more than happy to sit and talk with you.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Reaching my Sexual Peak at Four Years Old

The title sounds crazy but what if that were the truth? For me I believe it is. Just think of it. When I was four years old I introduced to my first group sex. I was given beer and marijuana and was the center of attention. I knew my sexuality and enjoyed all that took place. I was sexually molested in all the houses that I lived in from the time I was months old and while it was uncomfortable it was still enjoyable. This place was a relatives house. I was there with a younger male sibling but he went to bed earlier than I and when it was time for me to go to bed I was told I was going to go to "the big boys room". The trusted friend who was watching all of us children made a point to tell me this! I felt proud that I was going to be in the "Big boys room!". My heart gave a jump when we were going up the stairs and then down the hall to "the big boys room". I remember looking at him when he made this announcement. When we got there the room was dimly lit and there was beer there. I don't recall how many people were there to begin with but there was a great deal of smoke. I could breath it. It was not harsh like cigarette smoke like my parents. It most likely did not take a great deal of time for me to be affected by the beer and strange smoke. I was having trouble following the directions that the trusted friend gave to me to be able to orally please him, or all the others. If anyone needed to urinate during the course of the evening they were instructed to urinate out a window through the screen. There was a big yellow stain down the side of the house the next day that someone took a yard hose to. I am not sure It did much good. I remember at one point I was not following his instructions as well as he would have liked and he slapped me....hard across the face and told me to follow his orders more closely. I found out that the duration of what was happening was shorter when I was doing what he told me to do. I learned that they would ejaculate more quickly when I followed orders. So I followed orders more closely. I did not know what the strange liquid was when I was following orders and when I asked the trusted friend he told me, "It's good for you!" I certainly did not know at the time it was sperm. I also did not know that I could get sick from it and two weeks later when I started coughing my parents had no idea that this was my first case of gonorrhea. It took at least 3-4 weeks of coughing before someone decided to test me for that sexual disease. My mother came to me to ask how I got this. What was I to say? Every time anything sexual happened to me....especially from her husband I just buried it as I had no words to tell anyone.
I clearly remember the doctor telling my parents that this incident would never be put into my medical records. At the time I did not know why. I would find out many years later that this kind of thing....along with the survivor would be best swept under the rug.

To look at things from a logical point of view I feel we have to look at our BASE. We are animals. Human animals but animals just the same and we are subject to the same reactions as any animal who is violated. I knew who I was sexually and I enjoyed what was happening. I remember being able to just stand there and orally serve the many young men who offered themselves up to my attention.
I remember the trusted friend taking me down the dimly lit hall to look out the window to the circular dirt path in the farm yard and seeing all the cars there and the trusted friend telling me, "They're all here for you!" Gee that made me feel special. But I was there to be used. To be used and pushed aside. It was a theme I was to be familiar with all my life.

At one point I was told to take a nap and I remember I was shall we say, "feeling no pain" when a female cousin of mine came to me when I was in bed and told me I should come with her or she wasn't going to help me. I stayed and told her I was going to sleep. "O.K. That's it." Was her response and she left.

The most bizarre part of the evening was when I was orally serving a young man who was a little taller and he began holding me by the back of my head when his "member" was shoved down my throat. I was having trouble breathing at this point and my legs were dangling off the ground. My feet kept hitting him in the shins as he rocked his hips to get the maximume pleasure from my mouth and throat. Things just started to go a light grey and I just drifted away. I saw him from above when I was no longer in my body and then I found myself in an oval shaped room that had no defined shape to it. It was a light pinkish white color. I was dead. Since ultimately I chose to come back it was a near death experience. I saw a large figure who I tried to hug and he put a large hand out which connected with my chest. to hold me at bay. A short time later my spirit guide was there and held me as I assesed where I was and why I was there. He told me that I had to decide what I wanted to do. He told me that I did not have a great deal of time as if I took too much time and still wanted to go back I would have mental imparment. I did not want to be rushed and told him that I needed time. He gave me 15 minutes. I was also told to go to view three port windows in this non-decript room to help me make up my mind. I was able to view three different scenes......three different scenes of my future to help me dicide. I remember two of the three were very nice scenes so I decided to stay. I reenered my body with a big gasp of air as God helped reanimate me and the first thing I remember is that the room was Empty! The parking lot of strange cars were also gone. The trusted friend was holding me in his lap and his heart was beating very quickly. I could hear his heart pounding! I was put to bed shortly after this.....but he as punishment withheld headache medicine and breakfast the next day.

I did not want to get up the next day and I had a very horrible headache. I was not given anything for the pounding hang over. Can you imagine a hang over at age 4 years old? I finally did get up and went to the kitchen. I was in the corner of the kitchen partly hiding on the side of a cabinet. The trusted friend was at the opposit corner of the room doing something that I could not see. He said, "Your just lucky you didn't die!" "I DID die!"was my little voiced response. I was not allowed to eat.

Not right away and maybe an hour or later I was given an asprin or something like that.

I remember when my parents showed up I was made to thank the trusted friend who was in charge. I was more dead than alive.

Even with all the marijuana that was smoked in that little mid-western Wisconsin town I am sure that someone remembers the day the little boy died at the party. The problem is, was my little brother touched and violated in another room? And will anyone have the back bone to come forward to verify any of what they witnessed? I am going to try to send my blog to that little midwestern town to see.

I