Tuesday, February 23, 2010
A Doctors Empathy To the Wives of Pedophiles
In the thousands of articles and websites and everything else I have read about child sexual abuse I came across a particular article from a doctor who had great empathy for the wives of pedophiles. I searched my "bookmarks" but could not find the particular doctor who I am referring to. What struck me is that there was not equal empathy tward the child or children who were molested. I believe we all know the equation of, "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." Why did this doctor not apply that well known equation to this subject?
I have not read in depth of the process of when a child "shuts down" I can only explain what happened to me first hand and show you how it applies to me of the "equalness" of each of our lives.
When I was very young my safety was snatched from me on four separate occasions with the act of sexual abuse. This happened at three different places I lived with my parents. The last house we lived in the safety was taken twice, once when the sexual abuse happened the first time and again when after the house was fully remodled an incident of sexual abuse happend again. Each time the safety was taken away from me I cried a great deal. Why did I cry?
I cried because my joy was taken away. I cried as I WAS unsafe and didn't know what to expect. I no longer felt loved and didn't trust what love came to me so it really didn't reach me. As I have stated before, The foundation you put down when you molest your child is quicksand and much of what you give your child from that point on sinks and will never be recovered. During the process of shutting down I cried as the majority of children do. During this process the mother is the one who will be around as the "father/molester" is off at work. What will the mother do when the child keeps crying? The mother will do what ever they can do to find out why the child is crying. The mother will feed the child. The mother will hold the child. The mother will check if there is diaper rash. The mother will check if there is a tooth coming in. The mother will go through all the steps to find out why the child is crying and when all else fails, the mother will tell the child, "Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about!" In my case I remember clearly I was forbidden to cry. I was asked, "Why are you crying?" I was of age to answer but I could not as I could not understand myself. I had already buried the traumatic memories and they would not reappear until I was able to deal with them. That would be when I was around 27 years old, which is the usual case. My mother would just point at me and demand. "Stop Crying!" I did, and when I did I also shut down more. When I was made to thank a molester when I was left with him over a weekend, I shut down more and I felt my heart literally sink. That is a horrible feeling. That happened when I was 4 years old.
I won't go back and document here each time I was molested and each time I regressed deeper within myself but I think you get the picture. Now years later lets look at what happens to the Mother of the child that is molested. In my case, from all outward appearances my mother and father did all they could for me. They fed me and clothed me and gave me shelter and sent me to school and took me on vacations with the family and and and and and......
And what did they get for what they gave? A son who won't visit or call or or or or......
The food was for the most part plentiful. There was a time when the family went through tough times financially and there was less but that is usual. The shelter was there as far as clothes but what about the shelter from the molesting? Shelter does not get big marks for when I was an infant and child. School was for many years lost to me as I was so confused from the molesting that I was fixated on it that school suffered and I was a poor student as a direct result of abuse.
I was also anti-Catholic as I saw huge amounts of hypocrisy. I ultimately refused to be confirmed.
SO....my mother cried when I was not communicating. My mother cried when I had less and less to do with the man who molested me for years. My mother cried because we did not have a good relationship. My mother cried because from all outward appearances she did everything she could as a loving mother. I sent a letter to my father when I was 28 or 29 outlining all of my memories of his involvement in my sexually molested past. He cried for a long time. When I called to talk my mother and father were both on the phone and my mother was ANGRY. I have never seen anyone cry as much as your father cried! They both cried. My father shared nothing of the letter with anyone accept to say that I had mental issues and that it was a mean and hurtful letter. I had driven to my father and wanted to speak to him in person about all of my memories and he refused. All I wanted was the truth. Why did it happen and what happened to him in his youth to lead us to where we were now? I wanted to address a horrible family issue. What ever you have to say you can say in front of your mother. No, I can not. Why did my father cry? Maybe it had something to do with me calling an incident of him taking me to the mall rest room when he was cruising for gay sex. Maybe it was my clear memories of my father taking me to a place where he involved me in child pornography. Maybe it was when he had someone give me oral sex on his marriage bed with my face covered with a comforter. Ironic isn't it, the word comfortor! Maybe it was because I refereed to one of these experiences as "another father son outing!" And where did I learn this? I learned it from my father/molester. He didn't pull any punches either! As far as I can see it.....the only thing missing was me standing over them demanding that they stop crying or I will give them something to cry about! It sound very cruel here but can you imagine the amount of anguish they went through or are still going through as adults placed on an infant and young child?!? It is equal. The only difference is that they have their friends and family to stand by them to ward off the son who has turned against them or no aparent reason. The result is I am the bad guy in so many peoples eyes. I am the ungrateful one who is now not there for them as they go through the ravages of getting old and dealing with the strokes they resently had.
But I am also the one who tried for 20 years to address serious family issues and a national disgrace and epidemic. I am the one who had come up against a brick wall and have been shut out and abandoned. Oh WELL! (That's the responce I would most get from my mother.)
So......When will we hear about the next wave of sexual abuse from this strain of sexual abuse?
Where will this grow next? Maybe it will not be within this family directly but I believe it is continuing now in the continuing ripple of sexual abuse like a rock dropped into a smooth calm lake....the ripple WILL continue untill someone in someones family help stop the persons throwing the rocks. Thus far....that is not in my family, my relation.