Monday, December 19, 2011

Not Prepared For Adult Life/ Not Prepared To Work And Preserve Appearances

There are different ways I want people to look at survivors of child sexual abuse. When I see a situation I feel would better explain where a person is in there coming back from child sexual abuse I point out the similarities.

Today I was watching an True Hollywood Story about child actors. In their upbringing they are not really living a normal existence. They have scripts to study and private tutors. They have limited time to just be children and interact socially. During the time they are in front of the camera or doing public appearances they are always "on" as in the character they portray on television or in a movie. This was back in the 60's and 70's. The situation may have changed in the more current years. When the work for the child ends they are thrust out into the public without a public that really cares about them. They are just used and pushed aside.

When a person is experiencing child sexual abuse they are being used. During the time they are sexual objects they are constantly told to act their age. With me I watched other children my own age in order to know how to act. For the most part I shut down emotionally. It was a great deal of work to "act my age". When the child sexual abuse came to end I did not have the social skills to really fit in and I did not have the skills to build the long term friendships that I have seen happen with so many people I know.

To me I saw some very real correlations with the story of child actors and children who are sexually abused. There is no safety net for either. There is a great deal of alcohol and drugs and some have very real issues with sexuality. Having a relationship and building a life with someone is very tricky if you are a survivor of either situation. I have been asked if being sexually molested made me gay. I do not believe that is the way it works.

I have not written at great length about being a Gnostic but here is an opportunity for clarity. I believe that we choose all that we experience in life before we come to this planet. I actually remember some of that process. They say that God does not give you more than you can handle. I do not believe that. God Is a perfect being. It would not be perfect to have God choose what you will experience. When we choose all that we are going to experience we must be accountable for all that we choose. There are some things that we choose and some things that we agree to live through.

Appearances do count for much more than we ever give them credit for. The misperception of appearances is a big part of the reason a survivor of child sexual abuse is slowly pushed aside if the survivor does not continue to work to preserve the appearance of normalcy. If you are gay or bisexual, it is a great deal of work to put on a show about passing as "straight". If you are a survivor of child sexual abuse it is equally a difficult task to brush years of sexual abuse to the side and put on a show that your family is as supportive and loving as they want to appear. It is a great deal of work to not be yourself. Many who place that demand on their child, niece or nephew, brother or sister do not understand the volume of work that that entails. The survivor of child sexual abuse and the family or friends who are not equipped or refuse to ever think that their husband or father or uncle ever touched them in an inappropriate way will never see eye to eye. Most people want to see conclusive proof before they will ever believe that child sexual abuse ever took place. I have stated this before but how is a person to prove anything that happened 20 or more years ago. In todays technological world there is much more of a chance to have video or audio proof of child sexual abuse, especially when many want documentation of their conquests and material that they can go back to for their future sexual pleasures or they trade some of this documentation with other molesters.

I have found in my case that the misperception of my mental impairment is very strong. In my experience when anyone lays down the law and ends the conversation that there are no winners. We need to open up the dialogue and put everything out on the table. If after that happens and you still believe that you can not find a way to have any kind of relationship there needs to be a difficult decision as to part ways. I personally would always leave the door open if anyone would like to come back into my life but there would need to be at least the basic stance of mutual respect. I personally do not have the energy to pretend away all that others are not comfortable dealing with.

It is only with the acceptance of what I have survived that I can deal with it all and fully prepare myself for the adult life that I am living now. Accept yourself and find the support that you so deserve.

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