A Letter To My Mother (A Letter Not Sent)

Dear ******, 

Uncle Joe called me awhile back and we had a nice chat.  In that chat he told me you had fallen.  I am sure that can be scary and I hope you are OK.  

I do not know how many more letters I will write if I do not hear from you or others in Wisconsin.  

I do not fore see me begging you to come back into my life for the simple pleasure of editing out 99% of it.  

If this (lack of a relationship/passive aggressiveness) continues as it has I want to tell you the I remember many nice things  you did for me.  I know you have been very kind to me but many times those kindnesses did not bring emotions as my emotions were for the most part shut down due to trauma.  

It saddens me that you are caught in the residual effects of all that I have chosen to experience in this lifetime.  

I am sorry that you blame me for your pain and that you think that I broke your heart. 

My heart was broken long before yours and it was brushed aside and deemed that I had  mental impairment, that “I was thinking wrong”.  I do not have mental impairment and I was Never thinking wrong.    I have survival skills. 

There was emotional damage for the many times that "Thinking Wrong" was drummed into my head.  

One thing I am grateful to you is that you taught me to have empathy for the people who "Don't get it".  Unfortunately you are the one I have empathy for as you are that person.   I do not mean that in any derogatory way......it's just the way it is. 
You have a mind set and you will not budge as to what you believe.  I can not change that.  You continue to lay down the law and end the conversation.  I am sad you will not take the most adult approach and meet me half way.  On equal terms.   I love you.   



(a letter not finished, a letter not sent)   

The Way It Should Be

I do not know who designed this...but i LOVE it!

Recipe For Life

I love when I remember my dreams.  A recent dream was very comforting and I thought I would post the details and what I got from that dream.

I found myself in a very large clean building that housed some lecture and social halls and also some people I perceived as very wise Deans.  I wandered around the building and observed a few gatherings of people and some of the Deans who had monkeys walking beside them.  I believed they were helper monkeys.  A monkey would sometimes screech at the wise Dean and in turn the Dean would talk back to the monkey in the same screech language.  They were not disrespectful of each other they just knew the same monkey language.  There were two male Deans and one female Dean.  I had great respect for them as they seemed very spiritual and very wise.

As I went through this very large clean building I came upon a kind of waiting room with wingback chairs and a few end tables.  I was speaking with someone who looked familiar but I could not place where I knew her from.  She had a small box of cookies she was reading from and showed me what was written on the box.  It read, "A Recipe For Life".  She explained to me that it was nice that that was written on the box but felt it would be good to apply it to ones life.  We all need to figure out for ourselves what is the recipe for ourselves to live our lives to the fullest.  The decisions we make for ourselves are very important and while we are helped along the way to make decisions we have to hold on to some that are very personal.  Spirituality is one important choice.  I had a great deal of trouble when I decided very young the Catholic faith was not for me.

I am no expert of dream interpretation but this is the message that I took from this dream.  This Blog in turn is part of the recipe I am writing for myself.  A healing process.  Even to this day as I grow there are many who could never believe that I experienced sexual molestation.  I can not be the person they want me to be.  The experiences I had changed me forever and I have to live "as me".

We need to take all the different messages we get from our dreams or the people who cross our path in order to build and create our own Recipe For Life.  Borrow a few good traits from the people we cross paths with and remember the many good things that our healthier family members have brought to our lives.

I always remember one important lesson from my parents.  They taught me to have empathy for people who for what ever reason "just don't get it".  There are some very overwhelming situations that some just can not wrap their mind around.  It is just too unbelievable and they feel their mind would just snap.

My mother taught me to have empathy for my mother.

Transitional Periods

I am in a transitional period.  I have not been here in a long time.  It seems in the past I was posting on a pretty regular basis.  I somehow was inspired by events or people who crossed my path or I may have been getting encouragement and psychic feeds from the other side.   There have been times in my life where I was going into a situation where I had no idea what I would say or write and how I would say or write it.   In those times I would pray for guidance and a great deal of help with vocabulary.  I can not tell you the amount of times when that prayer was answered.  I have always prayed for strength and courage.  My prayers have been answered many times.   That being said.

The transitions I am going through involve, first and for most, A change in address.  I am now living in a much nicer and more expensive address.  First floor walk out patio and three blocks to a nice lake with many restaurants.  I continue to read many biographies of other survivors of incest and child sexual abuse and watch as many documentaries of the same epidemic.   I balance this self study with watching vintage cartoons and many old funny movies along with some from Bette Davis and Joan Crawford.  I have recently read a biography of Joan Crawford, read like a love letter, and had to watch vintage movies of both these amazing actresses.   I have also been reading more books by James Van Praagh.   Really an amazing psychic and medium.  Of the many books I have been reading I really recommend, "When the Piano Stops".  Fascinating and amazing story of a brave and courageous woman named Catherine McCall.

I have also been investigating a support group to speak about incest and child sexual abuse.  I am not sure how I will be received while being a Gnostic Christian and believing I chose to be a survivor of all that I have lived through.  The first attempt to join the group did not go well.  I got a call while at work about joining the group and when I tried 3 times I did not get a confirmation that the group would meet as there were enough people interested in the group.  I did not want to drive the 40 minutes each way just in case.  Now I can not drive as my car needs repairs and I am investigating the most honest mackanec at the most fair price.  On a better note I did recently get wheels!  I took a cap with my bike in the back to a nearby shop for a few repairs.  I got a front skewer for the tire, got the tires pumped up and purchased a bike lock.  I then biked home the 3.2 miles.  Now I have gone to the nearby store and will soon check out the bike paths nearby.

I am also in the rewrite of letters to the Dr. Phil show who accidentally sent me an email.
This should be interesting.

So....Transitions.  We all go through them.  They can be scary but I always pray for guidance and
most times those prayers are answered.  Try to keep the faith, what ever that is to you.

Peace.

Dark Humor On How I Feel About My Paternal Parent

Copy and Paste this address to view the video.

http://youtu.be/6OkcucXIuVI

A Few Thoughts on Fathers Day

Dear DUD,

I thought of sending you a card to commemorate the 3rd Sunday in June, But there Is No Pedophiles Day! 

Signed, 

Uncounted Survivor

 Never Bite The Hand That Feeds You

.....Unless it's your father,

and he's feeding you his Penis. 

I'm sorry mom, your husband was my pedophile, that would be the 

"in sickness" part of your wedding vows.  

On this day we as survivors can still celebrate by contacting different men we know who are boundary respecting mentors for children and young adults.  There are also some women who go out of their way to provide for and do all the things a man would do if there is no male mentor in their lives.  I applaud all of these wonderful people who are the much needed glue in many lands who help hold us all together to create "Communities". 

I HAVE SAID IT BEFORE, BUT IT NEEDS TO BE REPEATED.  EVERYONE NEEDS TO BE A PART OF SOME COMMUNITY~!  SEEK OUT A PLACE TO BELONG And ADD TO THAT COMMUNITY IN A POSITIVE AND HEALTHY WAY! 



I just looked it up.  I looked up if there was a Mentors Day.  There is.  Mentors day is January 17th.  For me...Fathers day is another Mentors day.  For Fellow Survivors,I hope that you find more peace in redirecting some bad feeling about your father for molesting you to the Mentors in your life who helped you to be as strong as you are.  If you are reading this you have survived.....You are A Survivor.  



You 
  Must 
     Celebrate 

             Being A Survivor! 

Miss America By Day, The Autobiography of Marilyn Van Durber

Her married name is Marilyn Van Durber Alter.  Her book is completely captivating as is she in the videos I have seen on Youtube.

I recently came across the autobiography from Miss Van Durber Alter and bought it from a discount
bookstore.  They did not have it in stock so I ordered it and waited patently.  I was pleasantly surprised to find that the book I bought was an autographed copy.

This book is a God Send.  There are many times I am not able to buy a book so I will go to the library.

Whatever state you live in, once you get a library card you can access Any Book In Your State from the library.  If you can not afford to buy this book.....I Urge you to go to the library and Get IT!

If you need to reserve this book and have it sent to where ever you are I Suggest you do this Today!

Captivating.......Riveting.........Healing!

If you investigate this Woman's Story.....you will come across rave review after rave review of this Lovely, Courageous Lady!

God Bless Marilyn Van Durber Alter....and her Wonderfully Supportive Husband Larry and the rest of her Family!