My parents really did try to help me during my really difficult years. It is not a typo to state that my father tried as well. With my father being a Gemini and leading a double life it somehow turned out to be fairly easy for him, as he continues to do so to this day. Playing the browbeaten underdog rejected and disrespected doesn't endure him to me but I can see the choices he made.
Someone figured it had to be a traumatic experience that led me to be so introverted and withdrawn.
I would barely speak above a whisper and had to be told many times to speak up! There was a staged kidnapping of a neighborhood girl at the bottom of the hill where I grew up. A large menacing man was putting this "poor; helpless; defensive girl" into a canvas gunny sack. It was my duty and obligation to rescue her whereby being shocked that I could do such a thing and finally realizing my self worth. It did work in part but the depths of my survival did not match the depth of the "staged trauma" to bring me totally back to where I was supposed to be if I had not experienced the nearly decade of child sexual molestation at the hands of my own father.
There is also the incident of a male teacher actually being fired because of me. I am not quite sure if it was a 3rd or 4th grade teacher but he was very attractive. I wanted to have sexual interaction with him so I purposely soiled my pants. I figured he would naturally be open to the situation as I had been involved in sex with many people to date and my own father placed me in the hands of a man who made me the "party favor" for at least a dozen men. The Teacher helped me clean myself up and did not touch me in any way. There was never any touching in any manor that could ever be thought of as inappropriate in any way. My mother noticed I did not have under ware when I got home and there was an investigation as to why I did not have my under ware on. There was a short meeting with my parents the male teacher in question and a representative from the school. I think it was the principal. The memory of that is not entirely clear. In any event the male teacher was fired. I clearly remember the teachers response, "It's just not fair!" I have tried in the past and I will continue to try to track you down and apologize that you were a part of the ripple effect of my survival of child sexual abuse.
A few years later I was hanging out near the entrance to the grade school cafeteria. The young girl who I "rescued" was there and I in a younger than my age spoke of my valiant ways to rescue the young girl. She played along and validated my words. I apologize to you young woman.
Life isn't fair, or is it?!? Being a Gnostic Christian and remembering my choices before I came to this earthly plane kind of says I knew what I was up against, but it doesn't really make it easier. I looked at my own chart at 3.5 years old and so I sealed my own fate. I only pray I can unravel all the twists and turns in the puzzle I put before myself to achieve the level of spirituality I am striving for! In the path we must always thank the powers that be for the blessing that each and everyone of us receive. Being a Gnostic Christian, I Thank the Mother and Father God.
Someone figured it had to be a traumatic experience that led me to be so introverted and withdrawn.
I would barely speak above a whisper and had to be told many times to speak up! There was a staged kidnapping of a neighborhood girl at the bottom of the hill where I grew up. A large menacing man was putting this "poor; helpless; defensive girl" into a canvas gunny sack. It was my duty and obligation to rescue her whereby being shocked that I could do such a thing and finally realizing my self worth. It did work in part but the depths of my survival did not match the depth of the "staged trauma" to bring me totally back to where I was supposed to be if I had not experienced the nearly decade of child sexual molestation at the hands of my own father.
There is also the incident of a male teacher actually being fired because of me. I am not quite sure if it was a 3rd or 4th grade teacher but he was very attractive. I wanted to have sexual interaction with him so I purposely soiled my pants. I figured he would naturally be open to the situation as I had been involved in sex with many people to date and my own father placed me in the hands of a man who made me the "party favor" for at least a dozen men. The Teacher helped me clean myself up and did not touch me in any way. There was never any touching in any manor that could ever be thought of as inappropriate in any way. My mother noticed I did not have under ware when I got home and there was an investigation as to why I did not have my under ware on. There was a short meeting with my parents the male teacher in question and a representative from the school. I think it was the principal. The memory of that is not entirely clear. In any event the male teacher was fired. I clearly remember the teachers response, "It's just not fair!" I have tried in the past and I will continue to try to track you down and apologize that you were a part of the ripple effect of my survival of child sexual abuse.
A few years later I was hanging out near the entrance to the grade school cafeteria. The young girl who I "rescued" was there and I in a younger than my age spoke of my valiant ways to rescue the young girl. She played along and validated my words. I apologize to you young woman.
Life isn't fair, or is it?!? Being a Gnostic Christian and remembering my choices before I came to this earthly plane kind of says I knew what I was up against, but it doesn't really make it easier. I looked at my own chart at 3.5 years old and so I sealed my own fate. I only pray I can unravel all the twists and turns in the puzzle I put before myself to achieve the level of spirituality I am striving for! In the path we must always thank the powers that be for the blessing that each and everyone of us receive. Being a Gnostic Christian, I Thank the Mother and Father God.
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