Thursday, December 22, 2011
A PRAYER TO THE UNIVERSE
DEAR UNIVERCE. MY PRAYER TO YOU IS THAT ALL OF MY SOCIAL JUSTICE ISSUES AND MY SOCIALIST IDEAS AND PROJECTS GO FORWARD AND MAKE A GREAT IMPACT ON THIS PLANET EARTH. I WANT TO EMPOWER AS MANY PEOPLE AS I CAN AND DO EVERYTHING I CAN TO HEAL THE EARTH AND ALL ITS LIVING INHABITANTS. I THANK YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU ARE TO ME AND I APPOLOGIVE IF I HAVE HARMED YOU IN ANY WAY.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Not Prepared For Adult Life/ Not Prepared To Work And Preserve Appearances
There are different ways I want people to look at survivors of child sexual abuse. When I see a situation I feel would better explain where a person is in there coming back from child sexual abuse I point out the similarities.
Today I was watching an True Hollywood Story about child actors. In their upbringing they are not really living a normal existence. They have scripts to study and private tutors. They have limited time to just be children and interact socially. During the time they are in front of the camera or doing public appearances they are always "on" as in the character they portray on television or in a movie. This was back in the 60's and 70's. The situation may have changed in the more current years. When the work for the child ends they are thrust out into the public without a public that really cares about them. They are just used and pushed aside.
When a person is experiencing child sexual abuse they are being used. During the time they are sexual objects they are constantly told to act their age. With me I watched other children my own age in order to know how to act. For the most part I shut down emotionally. It was a great deal of work to "act my age". When the child sexual abuse came to end I did not have the social skills to really fit in and I did not have the skills to build the long term friendships that I have seen happen with so many people I know.
To me I saw some very real correlations with the story of child actors and children who are sexually abused. There is no safety net for either. There is a great deal of alcohol and drugs and some have very real issues with sexuality. Having a relationship and building a life with someone is very tricky if you are a survivor of either situation. I have been asked if being sexually molested made me gay. I do not believe that is the way it works.
I have not written at great length about being a Gnostic but here is an opportunity for clarity. I believe that we choose all that we experience in life before we come to this planet. I actually remember some of that process. They say that God does not give you more than you can handle. I do not believe that. God Is a perfect being. It would not be perfect to have God choose what you will experience. When we choose all that we are going to experience we must be accountable for all that we choose. There are some things that we choose and some things that we agree to live through.
Appearances do count for much more than we ever give them credit for. The misperception of appearances is a big part of the reason a survivor of child sexual abuse is slowly pushed aside if the survivor does not continue to work to preserve the appearance of normalcy. If you are gay or bisexual, it is a great deal of work to put on a show about passing as "straight". If you are a survivor of child sexual abuse it is equally a difficult task to brush years of sexual abuse to the side and put on a show that your family is as supportive and loving as they want to appear. It is a great deal of work to not be yourself. Many who place that demand on their child, niece or nephew, brother or sister do not understand the volume of work that that entails. The survivor of child sexual abuse and the family or friends who are not equipped or refuse to ever think that their husband or father or uncle ever touched them in an inappropriate way will never see eye to eye. Most people want to see conclusive proof before they will ever believe that child sexual abuse ever took place. I have stated this before but how is a person to prove anything that happened 20 or more years ago. In todays technological world there is much more of a chance to have video or audio proof of child sexual abuse, especially when many want documentation of their conquests and material that they can go back to for their future sexual pleasures or they trade some of this documentation with other molesters.
I have found in my case that the misperception of my mental impairment is very strong. In my experience when anyone lays down the law and ends the conversation that there are no winners. We need to open up the dialogue and put everything out on the table. If after that happens and you still believe that you can not find a way to have any kind of relationship there needs to be a difficult decision as to part ways. I personally would always leave the door open if anyone would like to come back into my life but there would need to be at least the basic stance of mutual respect. I personally do not have the energy to pretend away all that others are not comfortable dealing with.
It is only with the acceptance of what I have survived that I can deal with it all and fully prepare myself for the adult life that I am living now. Accept yourself and find the support that you so deserve.
Today I was watching an True Hollywood Story about child actors. In their upbringing they are not really living a normal existence. They have scripts to study and private tutors. They have limited time to just be children and interact socially. During the time they are in front of the camera or doing public appearances they are always "on" as in the character they portray on television or in a movie. This was back in the 60's and 70's. The situation may have changed in the more current years. When the work for the child ends they are thrust out into the public without a public that really cares about them. They are just used and pushed aside.
When a person is experiencing child sexual abuse they are being used. During the time they are sexual objects they are constantly told to act their age. With me I watched other children my own age in order to know how to act. For the most part I shut down emotionally. It was a great deal of work to "act my age". When the child sexual abuse came to end I did not have the social skills to really fit in and I did not have the skills to build the long term friendships that I have seen happen with so many people I know.
To me I saw some very real correlations with the story of child actors and children who are sexually abused. There is no safety net for either. There is a great deal of alcohol and drugs and some have very real issues with sexuality. Having a relationship and building a life with someone is very tricky if you are a survivor of either situation. I have been asked if being sexually molested made me gay. I do not believe that is the way it works.
I have not written at great length about being a Gnostic but here is an opportunity for clarity. I believe that we choose all that we experience in life before we come to this planet. I actually remember some of that process. They say that God does not give you more than you can handle. I do not believe that. God Is a perfect being. It would not be perfect to have God choose what you will experience. When we choose all that we are going to experience we must be accountable for all that we choose. There are some things that we choose and some things that we agree to live through.
Appearances do count for much more than we ever give them credit for. The misperception of appearances is a big part of the reason a survivor of child sexual abuse is slowly pushed aside if the survivor does not continue to work to preserve the appearance of normalcy. If you are gay or bisexual, it is a great deal of work to put on a show about passing as "straight". If you are a survivor of child sexual abuse it is equally a difficult task to brush years of sexual abuse to the side and put on a show that your family is as supportive and loving as they want to appear. It is a great deal of work to not be yourself. Many who place that demand on their child, niece or nephew, brother or sister do not understand the volume of work that that entails. The survivor of child sexual abuse and the family or friends who are not equipped or refuse to ever think that their husband or father or uncle ever touched them in an inappropriate way will never see eye to eye. Most people want to see conclusive proof before they will ever believe that child sexual abuse ever took place. I have stated this before but how is a person to prove anything that happened 20 or more years ago. In todays technological world there is much more of a chance to have video or audio proof of child sexual abuse, especially when many want documentation of their conquests and material that they can go back to for their future sexual pleasures or they trade some of this documentation with other molesters.
I have found in my case that the misperception of my mental impairment is very strong. In my experience when anyone lays down the law and ends the conversation that there are no winners. We need to open up the dialogue and put everything out on the table. If after that happens and you still believe that you can not find a way to have any kind of relationship there needs to be a difficult decision as to part ways. I personally would always leave the door open if anyone would like to come back into my life but there would need to be at least the basic stance of mutual respect. I personally do not have the energy to pretend away all that others are not comfortable dealing with.
It is only with the acceptance of what I have survived that I can deal with it all and fully prepare myself for the adult life that I am living now. Accept yourself and find the support that you so deserve.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Sometimes, When You Lose Your Father, The Molester Remains
I went to a funeral today. It was the death of a friends father. One of the daughters who spoke said,"You are never the same after you lose your father." I believe that once a person acts in a sexual way to their infant or child that you are no longer the father. You are the molester. I believe I lost my father when I was an infant. The really strange and confusing thing is that when the father is gone and the molester is still there, what should I feel about this person? Sometimes you do not have a choice of how your feel toward someone. There are some wicked consequences if you do not play the game about child sexual abuses. Most families will tell you point blank, "You will bury these false memories and never bring them up again. If you do this you can be part of the family." The others, like myself who held on to the belief that honesty is the best policy chose to try to address child sexual abuse.
There are so many instances of unwritten rules. In the job market I was told many times to "play the game". Basically lie. Play along. Don't make waves. Fade into the crowd. If you do anything else you are labeled as someone trying to draw attention to themselves. I am told the same in my private life. I was raised Catholic and they taught me to be honest. Oh, but lets not mention when that visiting priest felt you up when he "helped" you on with that cassock.
I lost my father long ago. He took himself away from me. He also took the rest of the family with him. Then he stood back and tossed me under the bus when I began having memories of the many times he would put his penis in my mouth. What should I feel about this family man? This upstanding community man. This man who volunteered in the cub scouts, who raised a family of 4 with many vacations and family dogs, with all the outward appearances that showed the neighbors and everyone what a wonderful man he is. I would be part of this family if I only smiled and said everything is just fine. Everything is as fine as Ward and June Cleaver looking that we strive for it to be. For me to do that I believe I would lose part of my soul.
For some their family is like having the whole world. What good is it if a man should gain the whole world and yet lose his own soul. I choose not to lose my soul. I guess since many will not answer my letters about trying to address child sexual abuse that this is one family legacy that will continue. I sadly have no power over this. I reached out and warned my sisters of what could happen. Let us hope he did not act upon his yearnings. I guess that if this does in fact continue that I find some 2nd or 3rd cousin willing enough to be honest as I have and actually try to address this epidemic.
There are so many instances of unwritten rules. In the job market I was told many times to "play the game". Basically lie. Play along. Don't make waves. Fade into the crowd. If you do anything else you are labeled as someone trying to draw attention to themselves. I am told the same in my private life. I was raised Catholic and they taught me to be honest. Oh, but lets not mention when that visiting priest felt you up when he "helped" you on with that cassock.
I lost my father long ago. He took himself away from me. He also took the rest of the family with him. Then he stood back and tossed me under the bus when I began having memories of the many times he would put his penis in my mouth. What should I feel about this family man? This upstanding community man. This man who volunteered in the cub scouts, who raised a family of 4 with many vacations and family dogs, with all the outward appearances that showed the neighbors and everyone what a wonderful man he is. I would be part of this family if I only smiled and said everything is just fine. Everything is as fine as Ward and June Cleaver looking that we strive for it to be. For me to do that I believe I would lose part of my soul.
For some their family is like having the whole world. What good is it if a man should gain the whole world and yet lose his own soul. I choose not to lose my soul. I guess since many will not answer my letters about trying to address child sexual abuse that this is one family legacy that will continue. I sadly have no power over this. I reached out and warned my sisters of what could happen. Let us hope he did not act upon his yearnings. I guess that if this does in fact continue that I find some 2nd or 3rd cousin willing enough to be honest as I have and actually try to address this epidemic.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Anatomy of Heartbreak/ Continuing Cycle
I have recently been thinking of how my father/molester told me I broke my mothers heart. There was a long separation between us. Almost 20 years. That happened because I could not get support for some volunteer work I was involved with. The only thing my relation wanted to hear about was the weather my work and my social life as far as movies concerts a walk in the park. Not the most open to a "rainbow lifestyle". Oh well. Move on. I was pretty much burning out and I told them if I could not get support I would just contact them when my volunteer project was over. It took longer than expected. I contacted my parents after the project ended. Shortly after that both my parents had strokes. I went to my home town for the first time in 20 years to see my mother at a rehabilitation hospital. She didn't like the food and gave the staff a few recipes for casseroles. I was rather shocked at her appearance when I first saw her. She was much older than I thought she would appear. She looked angry and tired. She told me in detail what happened with the details of her stroke with each step of the morning it happened. The alarm clock, the morning rituals, including the coffee in the kitchen where she had the stroke. I did not visit when my father/molester had his stroke I don't know how many months prior. My mother offered to have me stay in the spare room in their basement. I declined. I also declined to speak with my father/molester. I have been waiting for 20 years for him to answer a letter I wrote to him. I drove home and continued my life. I continued to write as well. I believe that was 3 or 4 letters ago. Now I am dealing with passive aggressiveness. I want to send her a card with a little boy speaking with his mother.....a Christmas Card that would read, "Mom, am I a son-of-a-Bitch"?!? How bout a card asking if she would like a new saddle or a tall ladder to get off her "High Horse"!!!! Maybe I could find one of those record your own cards and include a poem about "M" is for the many times...... I could open up a can of nastiness that would even shock me when I re-read it many months later. But that would only be continuing the back and forth volleying of hate and vengefulness. Getting back at someone who hurt you. Step back and ask yourself where did this begin? Did it begin with me? (I speak as a survivor of child sexual abuse) Did it begin with the survivor of child sexual abuse? It could not have! Logic dictates that what ever a person is reacting from happened to them first. There is acception to that rule as some people act differently after a major car accident with a brain injury. I do not know the variables regarding that situation.
I looked up "stages of heartbreak" and came to a site that explained perfectly what I believe. I was thinking of my mother and what she had gone through. This is what I found.
http://www.science20.com/variety_tap/science_behind_heartbreak_progress
The Physical Pain
Anyone who's ever gone through the emotional pain of a heartbreak more often than not can express the experience through the form of some type of physical pain. Emotions affect physical health in more ways than many realize, but how does the body physically feel the emotional loss; in other words, what is it that brings pain to the heartbreak?
"Pain is the way the mind responds to trouble inside the body," says Alex Zautra, a professor of psychology at Arizona State University. "Emotion is the same way. Whether you feel love or sadness is also a response to something you feel outside the body. With pain it is a closer-in response, to something inside the body, but it is a response in an attempt to learn about and motivate recovery."
The depression caused by heartbreak creates a barrier that can prevent us from feeling and experiencing life to the fullest, in all aspects. Symptoms vary byindividual and range from withdrawal from society to
physical sickness and pain. You lose a part of yourself when connections are lost, and its not far-fetched to say that you feel completely empty inside. There's an ache, a deep ache that erupts from the inside of our bodies longing for the past. The pain is real and there's no other way to describe how bad it really hurts than to name it heartbreak. Its a longing for the past and the pain of feeling completely empty and abandoned. It makes it hard to get up in the morning and to get through the day, but all wounds are inevitably healed through time, and thus you hope for the future to approach quicker.
When a person feels secluded or feels loss, changes in the brain's blood flow occur. The anterior cingulate cortex (responsible for regulating physical pain distress) becomes more active during these times. This is seen in victims of depression who also register physical pain due to the detection of nociception, which triggers a variety of responses, one which results in the experience of pain. People who are depressed or who are under extreme stress are more at risk to develop heart disease and other cardiovascular diseases based on research that found depression to help in thickening artery walls .
Although most pain of heartbreak is not that severe, it still has a profound effect on daily living. Symptoms of breakup might include loss of appetite, insomnia, headaches, stomachaches, nausea, a ton of tears, occasional nightmares, alcohol/substance abuse, depression, eating disorders, panic attacks, loss of interest, fatigue, loneliness and hopelessness.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My heart felt a kinship with the words written about the physical pain. I felt bad that I am sure that my mother did experience this. I am angry that my father/molester has blamed me for harming my mother so brutally. To think of what the majority of people in my family/relation must feel about me......I am one of the most hated people I know. If you are a person who has tried to address child sexual abuse in your own family I am sure we are part of a Very Large Family Of Survivors! YOU MUST ALWAYS KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE! There are a great many people dealing with the same sad situation where your father/molester has tossed you under the bus. ( I was thinking of having a Halloween costume to represent) I could see myself in a plain white jump suit with tire tracks all over it! I was going to go so far as to investigate the actual cars certain people drove to have the correct imprint! Maybe some day. That would be funny and empowering if that became a trend. All the people who have been tossed under the bus.
We could take some group pictures but know we are strong enough to continue. No Matter What. And WITHOUT TAKING THE LAW INTO OUR OWN HANDS! *VERY IMPORTANT!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.science20.com/variety_tap/science_behind_heartbreak_progress
The Stages of Heartbreak:
Someone who is dealing with heartbreak follows patterns similar to those of the stages of death
1.Shock and Denial- you may deny the reality of the situation; this provides emotional protection from feeling overwhelmed by the situation. The shock of loss allows a state of emptiness to move in, clouding most judgment.
2.Pain and Guilt-after the shock wears off it becomes replaced with suffering and unbearable pain. Regret for things you did wrong, or things that you weren’t able to do with this person adds to further tears. Life feels chaotic during this time, and its best to openly discuss feelings and stray from bottling up your emotions
3. Anger and Bargaining- lashing out is a common form of attempting to release all unspoken emotions. This is the stage where the “why why why?!” questioning comes in. The pleas for returned love run rapid, trying to bargain with fate or with the person who was just lost.
4. Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness- like everyone else in this situation, a period of sadness clouds and
absorb your entire sense of being, leaving feelings of emptiness. This feeling occurs when you finally realize and accept the magnitude of your loss. Isolation from people is exceedingly normal, and offers a time to reflect on the past.
5. Acceptance and an Upward Turn- The feelings of depression lift slightly and life becomes possible to survive without that person so deeply intertwined with each activity. The days are a little easier to shuffle through, and you see the possibility of continuation. The reality of the situation is fully accepted and, although happiness may not return for some time, the ability to move forward has occurred.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I can not tell you how relieved I was to actually find this written out in such an intelligent way! There may be some who have a slightly different explanation and with the many people on this planet I am sure that there
would be many variations for as many people. There is no graph or pie chart to explain how long each stage lasts as that is such a personal thing. What ever that personal experience is is something that I consider sacred. Sacred in that what ever happens with each person is what should happen with each person and it is of the "Utmost private thing". WE CAN NOT JUDGE. WE HAVE TO TRY TO BE THE BEST SUPPORT FOR EACH OTHER THAT WE CAN. I personally believe that number 5 is the hardest to get to. There are just some things that you just can not wrap your mind around. In your wildest dreams you can not believe that the situation you are in could ever happen! And to you! BUT YOUR STILL HERE ARNT YOU! So thank GOD that you are a survivor~! AND TRUST ME IF YOU ARE READING THIS YOU HAVE SURVIVED EVERYTHING TO DATE!
Number 5 is where some people will never get to. I believe one of those people is my mother. I am so hated because of that. If I am at fault at all, my father/molester is equally guilty. He is guilty of lies and I am guilty of honesty. Remember, if you have read any of my blog you know that I am ready to take any test to calculate any mental impairment on my part as long as my father/molester would consent to a polygraph.
-------------------------------------------------------
If I was part of the act of breaking my mothers heart, did it begin with me? Think logically for a moment. My mother is what age? and I am what age? The only way to look at this logically is that a survivor of child sexual abuse has their heart broken before their mother has their heart broken. It is a horrible thing to think about, your mother's heard breaking but I acted "in the moment" and as my mother "will not accept/will not face?/will never believe" that her loving, supportive, very involved family man could ever or would ever sexually molest his/their son" I have a hard time pretending that the years of sexual abuse didn't happen. "as he proclaimed".
Reread the stages of the Anatomy of Heartbreak and know that many infants and children experience just that as they grow up and survive child sexual abuse. There needs to be equal compassion to the survivors as well as the wives of molesters.
The cycle seems to be in an infinite loop. How many years have we been trying to address child sexual abuse? How have we made progress? How have we failed? Who is speaking and being heard? How have they done that? Are the people who are being heard making any progress? How do get heard if we DO have some answers and no one will listen?
I looked up "stages of heartbreak" and came to a site that explained perfectly what I believe. I was thinking of my mother and what she had gone through. This is what I found.
http://www.science20.com/variety_tap/science_behind_heartbreak_progress
The Physical Pain
Anyone who's ever gone through the emotional pain of a heartbreak more often than not can express the experience through the form of some type of physical pain. Emotions affect physical health in more ways than many realize, but how does the body physically feel the emotional loss; in other words, what is it that brings pain to the heartbreak?
"Pain is the way the mind responds to trouble inside the body," says Alex Zautra, a professor of psychology at Arizona State University. "Emotion is the same way. Whether you feel love or sadness is also a response to something you feel outside the body. With pain it is a closer-in response, to something inside the body, but it is a response in an attempt to learn about and motivate recovery."
The depression caused by heartbreak creates a barrier that can prevent us from feeling and experiencing life to the fullest, in all aspects. Symptoms vary byindividual and range from withdrawal from society to
physical sickness and pain. You lose a part of yourself when connections are lost, and its not far-fetched to say that you feel completely empty inside. There's an ache, a deep ache that erupts from the inside of our bodies longing for the past. The pain is real and there's no other way to describe how bad it really hurts than to name it heartbreak. Its a longing for the past and the pain of feeling completely empty and abandoned. It makes it hard to get up in the morning and to get through the day, but all wounds are inevitably healed through time, and thus you hope for the future to approach quicker.
When a person feels secluded or feels loss, changes in the brain's blood flow occur. The anterior cingulate cortex (responsible for regulating physical pain distress) becomes more active during these times. This is seen in victims of depression who also register physical pain due to the detection of nociception, which triggers a variety of responses, one which results in the experience of pain. People who are depressed or who are under extreme stress are more at risk to develop heart disease and other cardiovascular diseases based on research that found depression to help in thickening artery walls .
Although most pain of heartbreak is not that severe, it still has a profound effect on daily living. Symptoms of breakup might include loss of appetite, insomnia, headaches, stomachaches, nausea, a ton of tears, occasional nightmares, alcohol/substance abuse, depression, eating disorders, panic attacks, loss of interest, fatigue, loneliness and hopelessness.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My heart felt a kinship with the words written about the physical pain. I felt bad that I am sure that my mother did experience this. I am angry that my father/molester has blamed me for harming my mother so brutally. To think of what the majority of people in my family/relation must feel about me......I am one of the most hated people I know. If you are a person who has tried to address child sexual abuse in your own family I am sure we are part of a Very Large Family Of Survivors! YOU MUST ALWAYS KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE! There are a great many people dealing with the same sad situation where your father/molester has tossed you under the bus. ( I was thinking of having a Halloween costume to represent) I could see myself in a plain white jump suit with tire tracks all over it! I was going to go so far as to investigate the actual cars certain people drove to have the correct imprint! Maybe some day. That would be funny and empowering if that became a trend. All the people who have been tossed under the bus.
We could take some group pictures but know we are strong enough to continue. No Matter What. And WITHOUT TAKING THE LAW INTO OUR OWN HANDS! *VERY IMPORTANT!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.science20.com/variety_tap/science_behind_heartbreak_progress
The Stages of Heartbreak:
Someone who is dealing with heartbreak follows patterns similar to those of the stages of death
1.Shock and Denial- you may deny the reality of the situation; this provides emotional protection from feeling overwhelmed by the situation. The shock of loss allows a state of emptiness to move in, clouding most judgment.
2.Pain and Guilt-after the shock wears off it becomes replaced with suffering and unbearable pain. Regret for things you did wrong, or things that you weren’t able to do with this person adds to further tears. Life feels chaotic during this time, and its best to openly discuss feelings and stray from bottling up your emotions
3. Anger and Bargaining- lashing out is a common form of attempting to release all unspoken emotions. This is the stage where the “why why why?!” questioning comes in. The pleas for returned love run rapid, trying to bargain with fate or with the person who was just lost.
4. Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness- like everyone else in this situation, a period of sadness clouds and
absorb your entire sense of being, leaving feelings of emptiness. This feeling occurs when you finally realize and accept the magnitude of your loss. Isolation from people is exceedingly normal, and offers a time to reflect on the past.
5. Acceptance and an Upward Turn- The feelings of depression lift slightly and life becomes possible to survive without that person so deeply intertwined with each activity. The days are a little easier to shuffle through, and you see the possibility of continuation. The reality of the situation is fully accepted and, although happiness may not return for some time, the ability to move forward has occurred.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I can not tell you how relieved I was to actually find this written out in such an intelligent way! There may be some who have a slightly different explanation and with the many people on this planet I am sure that there
would be many variations for as many people. There is no graph or pie chart to explain how long each stage lasts as that is such a personal thing. What ever that personal experience is is something that I consider sacred. Sacred in that what ever happens with each person is what should happen with each person and it is of the "Utmost private thing". WE CAN NOT JUDGE. WE HAVE TO TRY TO BE THE BEST SUPPORT FOR EACH OTHER THAT WE CAN. I personally believe that number 5 is the hardest to get to. There are just some things that you just can not wrap your mind around. In your wildest dreams you can not believe that the situation you are in could ever happen! And to you! BUT YOUR STILL HERE ARNT YOU! So thank GOD that you are a survivor~! AND TRUST ME IF YOU ARE READING THIS YOU HAVE SURVIVED EVERYTHING TO DATE!
Number 5 is where some people will never get to. I believe one of those people is my mother. I am so hated because of that. If I am at fault at all, my father/molester is equally guilty. He is guilty of lies and I am guilty of honesty. Remember, if you have read any of my blog you know that I am ready to take any test to calculate any mental impairment on my part as long as my father/molester would consent to a polygraph.
-------------------------------------------------------
If I was part of the act of breaking my mothers heart, did it begin with me? Think logically for a moment. My mother is what age? and I am what age? The only way to look at this logically is that a survivor of child sexual abuse has their heart broken before their mother has their heart broken. It is a horrible thing to think about, your mother's heard breaking but I acted "in the moment" and as my mother "will not accept/will not face?/will never believe" that her loving, supportive, very involved family man could ever or would ever sexually molest his/their son" I have a hard time pretending that the years of sexual abuse didn't happen. "as he proclaimed".
Reread the stages of the Anatomy of Heartbreak and know that many infants and children experience just that as they grow up and survive child sexual abuse. There needs to be equal compassion to the survivors as well as the wives of molesters.
The cycle seems to be in an infinite loop. How many years have we been trying to address child sexual abuse? How have we made progress? How have we failed? Who is speaking and being heard? How have they done that? Are the people who are being heard making any progress? How do get heard if we DO have some answers and no one will listen?
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