I believe that there is a very specific way that a survivor has to be looked at. If you put together all of the basic beliefs you have and then look at a person who has survived child sexual abuse I believe you will see someone who has not been there with you since the time they were sexually molested. They have been with you physically but not much more. There may be times when they are there more then others. The person in question may be more distant soon after the act of sexual molestation. When the molestation is not happening they may be more integrated with the family. The degree of sexual abuse that has happened in the space you have lived in will dictate the distance away you are from your family you have always lived with.
There were periods of my life that I was not able to speak in order to be heard. I was so withdrawn and shut down that I was told to speak up many times. It was very frustrating and I even remember yelling to be heard because I was so sick of people telling me to speak up. What caused me to shut down to the point I could not speak? Remember, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. This being silent did not JUST happen. I did not have mental impairment. This was simply a reaction to what I survived. Equal and opposite.
When there is a realization of sexual abuse in the family the natural reaction would be to cry. Think of it as if a person has been snatched from the family and you have not seen that person in many years. They will look very different and you watch to see if they act the same from the 6 or 10 years since you have seen them. Thinking in common sense terms, to calculate the number of years you have been away after being snatched, you add together the first time you remember being sexually molested to the first time you remembered the beginning of said sexual molestation. As you remember more and more of that sexual molestation, it's as if you are say 200 miles away from your family and the more you remember the closer you get to your home town. Visualize a map and see, maybe the car from the Monopoly Game. You are in the car and you move 5-10 or 15 miles each week closer to your home town. When you finally drive into your town or meet up with your family you are a different person since you remembered and hopefully dealt the all the issues survival of this sort requires. In inherent problem is that, from what I have seen and from what I have experienced to date, the majority of people who remember child sexual abuse and try to address the issue in their family get pushed away and not believed. The percentage of people in this situation I do not know, I have looked without success. Sorry.
There is also the percentage of persons who will choose to just let it go and never speak of it again as if "it didn't happen. It one time I was angry with the people who made this choice but I have come to realize that "who and I to judge"! Outrageous. I do not know the severity of what they experienced and I do not know how close they are to the individuals in their family or group of friends. Personally I have experienced far too much for me to completely just say that it did not happen. This is just a personal choice. If you choose to not go public after you realize you have been sexually molested you can still do things behind the scenes with organizations over the Internet to still make a change, and I hope you do. And thank you for doing so.
What happens when there is a reunion with a long lost relative? I think we have all seen the reunions on all the major talk shows. There is a great deal of crying and hugging and looking closely at each other seeing how you look alike finding out about their likes what you have in common and the most basic of bonding. This is what needs to happen with the reintegration of a sexual survivor into their family. Remember equal and opposite.
I truly believe the analogy works. How often does this happen? From what I see far less than needs to happen or there would not be the steady increase of sexual abuse.
The many people who are on the bus (for what-ever reason they choose) that you are tossed under are the people who are largely responsible for the continuation of the growth of child sexual abuse. That is my belief.
I have stated that more than once but I think it important to reach that group of people and we will see a significant drop of actual cases of child sexual abuse. I have said that specifically because most often the drop of "reported" cases gives a completely different number and THAT is what is most often stated.
The next time you see a reunion with a long lost or "snatched" person, I hope you think of a the reunion of a child sexual abuse survivor and maybe with a little visualization this will begin to happen. I have heard it said that if you can visualize it, it can happen.
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