An Al Anon for Families Dealing with Incest/ The Debate On Family Loyalty

I have long thought that there should be an Al Anon type organization for families dealing with incest.  It would run in conjunction with the mandatory filing of legal papers of any sexual abuse or incest memories and followed with the certified  letter to the alleged pedophile or sexual predator to agree to a polygraph test for the sake of an end to child sexual abuse and the sake of your own families health and wellness.

 I have written of many of my family tragedies  here and the reactions and actions that were taken as a result of the family tragedies.  When there was cancer scare there was immediate action to combat the cancer.  When there was a stroke or heart attach there was immediate action with an Aspirin and very quick transportation to a hospital.  Where there was a case of Alzheimer's there was the appropriate action to sustain a quality of life and a group of family and friend who gathered to sustain each other.  When there was any trauma or any medical treatment that needed attention there was prompt and immediate attention.

When there was a memory of child sexual abuse and incest there was complete and total abandonment.  There was a defining silence.

*I looked up "Family Loyalty" and this is what I found.  From the following site.  http://family.jrank.org/pages/554/Family-Loyalty-Conclusion.html

Family loyalty is defined primarily in two different ways: (1) as adherence to norms of filial obligation; and (2) as the level of intergenerational solidarity or closeness between the generations in a family. Both of these definitions have been studied within ethnocultural family contexts. Specifically, much of the research on filial obligation has focused on Asian and Asian immigrant families, while other investigations into the development and maintenance of familistic attitudes and behaviors—the foundation for solidarity—have been done with Hispanic immigrants.
One shortcoming of the literature on family loyalty is that it fails to incorporate broader definitions or measures; that is, the research continues to define and measure loyalty according to adult children's levels of filial obligation or as attitudinal or behavioral congruence or similarity between parents and children. Clearly, other intragenerational measures, such as the quality of children's relationship with siblings and the quality of husband-wife relationships, can be used to measure familism.

Read more: Family Loyalty - Conclusion - Theory, Development, Journal, and Filial - JRank Articles http://family.jrank.org/pages/554/Family-Loyalty-Conclusion.html#ixzz2Fff1w4Y2

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 As far as I am concerned, I should be shown examples of "family loyalty" in order to proceed according to what I have been shown.  Treat me the same way you would like to be treated. 

Do I stay silent with my "family name" if/when they consistently refuse at all costs to address their involvement in incest and child sexual abuse?   

The bottom line is, "What have I got to lose" [when most of my relatives refuse to have anything to do with me for the past 25 years]?  

I have been in contact with two family members for many steps of this journey of survival.  There is an Uncle who is 10 years older than me and an cousin who is about the same age as me.  Recently when I told each person of a step I took in my survival, my cousin wrote back that she was very proud of all that I was doing as result of my many molestations.  My Uncle wrote back very quickly as well and expressed that he hoped that my actions "would be healing".  I certainly appreciated both people for their support but thought that the responses were certainly generational.  My Uncle seemed to me to a great deal more caucious with his support as he may know the older generation in a different way than I do.

In response to my Uncle, I believe that my actions will indeed be healing.   With actions that I take I may not find that my relation/family ever accept me as an incest survivor but I hope that even if I have a few sprouts of ideas of how to actually address this epidemic of child sexual abuse that those sprouts take root many others will build upon the plan that will end incest and child sexual abuse. 

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Is There A Pedophilia Gene? -

Is There A Pedophilia Gene? -

Relationships are Based on History and Experiences

"Relationships are not based on blood.  Relationships are based on history and experiences."  This is a quote by Dr. Phil.

I always like to say, "We are the sum of our parts, but most of us do not remember the sum of our parts.  What I am speaking of is the complete memory of all our past lives.  This easily explains how some very young people can compose music at age 4  or create masterpiece paintings at an early age.  They of course lived many past lives and studied what they are known for "now".

I absolutely believe that past relationships from our relatives or family will continue into other lives if you all choose to reincarnate again and again in order to learn the lessons that you all are trying to learn.  

When a person such as a pedophile, lives a double life and involves you in an incestuous relationship they in turn force you to live a double life too, especially when your relatives insist you never speak of what you survived or risk being tossed under the bus. 

Once you realize what has happened and after you hopefully find the right counselor and support team do you have to ponder your next step to decide if you will try to speak with your relatives about
this difficult issue.   Each persons experience is very personal and they have to weigh the pros and cons of each situation. 

I have not found the statistics on the percentage of incest survivors who are "tossed under the bus" if/when they try to address the issues of child sexual abuse.   I recently saw an interview with Rosanne Barr the well known comedienne / actress who was very vocal about being an incest survivor.  In the recent interview she said it was the worst thing she did in her life, to call the actions incest and to vocal about it.

I have the blessing/curse of remembering conversations with people I know or knew on this planet before we were incarnated in this lifetime.    I do remember that I had a conversation with my parents before we all came to this planet.  My parents did not want me to speak publicly about being a survivor of incest and child sexual abuse.  I agreed to be quiet about it, but when we get to this planet "all bets are off" and I responded to the sexual abuse in the fashion that my parents taught me.  The only thing is that my mother does not believe and never will believe that my father could ever be a pedophile and my father is a Gemini and would never be honest with me or anyone else about the sexual molestation he introduced me to.  It also helps that he is a sociopath. 

Gnostic Christians believe that, Everything you experience in life is everything you have chosen to experience or have agreed to live through for the sake of testing out your spirituality.   I do not use the word "blame" but I do use the word attribute.  

Another belief of Gnostic Christians is that all human souls were created at the same time.  So do not respect your elders.....as we are all the same age.  Respect the people who respect you!  

Remember that God is Perfection.   I remember sitting with my spirit guide deciding all that I wanted to experience in this life.  I remember looking at a type of scanning machine seeing and choosing what I would look like depending on what I chose in this lifetime.    Gnostic Christians believe that there is a Mother and Father God and that the "Honor they Father and thy Mother" Commandment refers to the Mother and Father God.   This does not apply to any man or woman who choose to have a child.


Relationships to me are based on the total history of experiences from all past lives lived with the person in that said relationship.    My parents, for the most part have been very controlling in many past lives I have lived with them.    I cannot apologize to my pedophile. 

Reaching Out to The Viewer In India

Dear Viewer From India,

My off and on partner for 20 years had a yearning to go to India.  He was on a quest to study yoga and meditation.   I explained to him that he could study those things in the fairly large city we both resided in but he really wanted to go as yoga's origin was in India.  

He lived with me for a year after his return from his studies.  I was faithful and many old loving feelings returned and it was wonderful to spend time with this kindred soul.   I struggled with finances and sometimes worked two jobs while my partner settled back into civilian life.  He was at a loss as he hadn't applied for a job in over 14 years.  He was a realtor.  I suggested he be a home inspector.  It was a natural progression from his many years selling homes.  He was able to move into an Ashram after a year of living with me.  He contributed if and when he was able.   He was reluctant to find a job and encouraged me to find a better paying job.  After about 10 days at the Ashram he called and demanded I let him move back in with me.   I told him I was not able to let him move back.  I struggled to make ends meet with sometimes working two jobs.   I asked what was the matter and he would not discus what he experienced at the Ashram that made him want to leave.

He did tell me when he was in India that he felt very much at home.  I am sure he was experiences many memories of past lives.  I have seen him standing in front of shrines or sculptures crying for joy at being back at these beautiful and sacred places as he describes them to me.  

So Dear Reader from India I am asking you to reach out to me.  Do you also believe in reincarnation?   How are you affected by the rather heavy subject of child sexual abuse?  Are you also a survivor?

The reason I am writing this post is that I can investigate where in the world my viewers are watching from.  I see that there is one viewer from India.   I am reaching out to you specifically.  I am not entirely sure how accurate that guage is but I thought I would reach out.  Please respond to my email for this blog.

addresschildsexualabuse@yahoo.com 


I will always respect you and not publish anything without your complete authorization.

 *It is now December 1st. 2012.   The person or people from India who viewed my blog have not as yet responded to my post.   There is always time.  

Tire Tread Suit

As Halloween is fast approaching I have always thought it would be great to go to some function like a bullying function or a survivor of sexual abuse function (insert your own function here) dressed as someone tossed under the bus.  I googled the image of "tire tread jump suit" and this is what I got.

Anal retentively I have thought of researching the actual tire treads that my parents and siblings drive to be accurate, but I would most likely just guestimate as to what cars they have driven in the past.

I find it ironic that the controversial figure of David Bowie show up!

A Staged Traumatic Event/ A Teacher Gets Fired

My parents really did try to help me during my really difficult years.  It is not a typo to state that my father tried as well.  With my father being a Gemini and leading a double life it somehow turned out to be fairly easy for him, as he continues to do so to this day.   Playing the browbeaten underdog rejected and disrespected doesn't endure him to me but I can see the choices he made.

Someone figured it had to be a traumatic experience that led me to be so introverted and withdrawn.
I would barely speak above a whisper and had to be told many times to speak up!   There was a staged kidnapping of a neighborhood girl at the bottom of the hill where I grew up.  A large menacing man was putting this "poor; helpless; defensive girl" into a canvas gunny sack.   It was my duty and obligation to rescue her whereby being shocked that I could do such a thing and finally realizing my self worth.  It did work in part but the depths of my survival did not match the depth of the "staged trauma" to bring me totally back to where I was supposed to be if I had not experienced the nearly decade of child sexual molestation at the hands of my own father.

There is also the incident of a male teacher actually being fired because of me.  I am not quite sure if it was a 3rd or 4th grade teacher but he was very attractive.  I wanted to have sexual interaction with him so I purposely soiled my pants.  I figured he would naturally be open to the situation as I had been involved in sex with many people to date and my own father placed me in the hands of a man who made me the "party favor" for at least a dozen men.  The Teacher helped me clean myself up and did not touch me in any way.   There was never any touching in any manor that could ever be thought of as inappropriate in any way.  My mother noticed I did not have under ware when I got home and there was an investigation as to why I did not have my under ware on.    There was a short meeting with my parents the male teacher in question and a representative from the school.  I think it was the principal.  The memory of that is not entirely clear.  In any event the male teacher was fired.  I clearly remember the teachers response, "It's just not fair!"  I have tried in the past and I will continue to try to track you down and apologize that you were a part of the ripple effect of my survival of child sexual abuse.

A few years later I was hanging out near the entrance to the grade school cafeteria.  The young girl who I "rescued" was there and I in a younger than my age spoke of my valiant ways to rescue the young girl.  She played along and validated my words.  I apologize to you young woman.

Life isn't fair, or is it?!?  Being a Gnostic Christian and remembering my choices before I came to this earthly plane kind of says I knew what I was up against, but it doesn't really make it easier.  I looked at my own chart at 3.5 years old and so I sealed my own fate.  I only pray I can unravel all the twists and turns in the puzzle I put before myself to achieve the level of spirituality I am striving for!   In the path we must always thank the powers that be for the blessing that each and everyone of us receive.  Being a Gnostic Christian, I Thank the Mother and Father God. 

Some of my Memories of Past Lives and How They Relate To Now

When I was very young I spoke to my mother of past lives a great deal.  Or at least I tried to.  I spoke in great detail about my mother being my mother in a past life in Paris.  I was a chamber maid and was having a torrid affair with a married man high up in the government.  I had a private home and there was a long pillared corridor to my lover's home he had with his wife.  My mother then who is my mother now was very controlling.   That has not changed.  There is a spinning of wheels going on.  We often return to earth in another incarnation to learn the lessons that we failed to learn in the last.  For my mother it may take a life or more after this.  My last partner who was here for a little over a year (who was also very controlling) has left as well.  In France my lover and I had a major love affair and I remember he brought me to the most amazing pleasures.  I always insisted on protection and he for the most part complied.  One time he did not and he impregnated me.  In that relationship he also beat me savagely.  He would beat me and I would be bloody and black and blue.  He would apologize and I would go back to him.  There was a continuous cycle of abuse.   During the pregnancy he cut me off financially and began to beat me and after 2 or 3 beatings I lost the baby.  He just said, "It's for the best anyway, right?".  I do not know the reaction that I had but I would like to have thought I would have left him.  Or maybe I did not as I once again saw him in this life.  I was with that person off and on for 20 years and I just had to cut ties.  I will not bore you with details but the partner was just not pulling their weight.  You have to be a fair and equal partner or you just have to go it alone and know you are all the better for it!   I do not remember my father of now with that time frame.

I do remember my father of this live in a life in South America, Argentina I believe.  Only a small memory of guarding water.  I was psychic then and told my father of many predictions but he focused on that if I did not guard the water we would die. 

I remember my father in a past life as an Anastasie Indian in Colorado.  I wanted to leave the camp early and my father shot me with an arrow to my lower right hip area from the back and my upper left shoulder near my heart.  I was dragged back to camp and the arrows were pulled out and I was cared to.  I left shortly after I turned 18.  I was told of the consequences of liquor and was told to stay away from it.  I did not listen and I ended up in California and became a drunk.  I discovered marijuana later in life and found it much more appealing and not addictive like liquor was to me.

I remember a life with my father when I was a lawyer.  I do not know if it was Rochester MN., or Rochester, NY.  I remember my father was very wealthy and it was believed he would buy a brownstone home for me and my family.  I was rebellious and  I had strong doubts he would actually buy the beautiful brownstone for us.  He did.  I was married to a most amazing women and we had three children.  I can not tell you anything about the children as I was a horrible father.  It was Victorian times and I was under the disillusion of children should be seen but not heard.  I do not remember much about my children.  From what I remember I spent no time with them accept for Christmas and other High Holidays.  I loved Lobster and was a lawyer.  At some point in my illustrious career I lost my nerve as a lawyer and lost some very important cases.  I retired to my basement and became a very eccentric inventor.  I had a bisexual affair with the lawyer who patented the things I invented. 

Another life I remember is with my latest partner.  (The one I knew from France.)  I was kind of a lowly slave or servant and we were on one of the Pacific Island off the coast of Florida.  The tropical flowers were so pungent they were actually intoxicating and we would be so heightened in our senses that we would jump off large cliffs and cause ourselves great bodily injury.   I most likely died in one of these jumps.

There is a life I lived in Germany where both my parents were my parents now.  I had a strange attraction to sheep in that life and died a horrible death due to a venereal disease.   Wish I could wipe that memory away!

I have a clear memory of my last day of a life I lived in France where I was an artist but had strained relations with a sister of mine.  The sister of that life is now the older sister in this life.  I was in her town and went to visit her.  I remember walking the short distance to her place and walking past a small park with a rod iron fence surrounding it.  The street signs were in cursive.  My sister lived in an apartment on the corner of a block.  There was no yard as the building was flush with the side walk.  The door to the building was in the middle of the 4 story white wooden building.  I went in and up the narrow stairs to the second floor and took a right turn down a narrow hall way.  Her door was at the end of the hall on the left.  That door went right into the kitchen.  She would not let me in.  She claimed that everyone had the flu and I should not enter.  It was a cold water flat in late Autumn so I believe it was a true statement.  I believe in the past as a starving artist she would help me out sometimes and she was justifiably suspicious I was looking for some money.   I had a few commissions and did not need money at that time.  I accepted that explanation and told her I was going into town to have a bite at a cafe.  The only other clear memory is that I died suddenly in the doorway of the cafe I went to.  In spirit I went to see my sister and her family.  My sister knew I was there and spoke to me, then I left.

As a Gnostic Christian I believe that we are the sum of our parts but not everyone remembers the sum of their parts and that includes every one of the past lives that we all lived.  There are prodigies in this world and the only explanation for this to me is that that person lived most likely many lives studying the piano or science or medicine or what ever they are a prodigy at in this life.  We Gnostic Christians believe that all human souls were created by God at the exact same time.  This is a small part of the Perfection of God.  So all souls are the same age.  If someone is considered an "old soul" to me that means they most likely lived more lifetimes on this earth than others have. 

Looking at a different aspect of reincarnation, I will tell you that suicide is never the answer.  I remember killing myself when on Ellis Island.  I was one of the last persons on one of the island and had to be quarantined.  I do not remember the illness.   Family members would visit me but only for short periods of time and I was very lonely as I could not speak with any.   I was told I could go with my family the next time they visited.  How many times they visited is unclear.  I just could not take the loneliness anymore and hung myself.  I was somewhere between 7 and 9 years old.   When there is a suicide the person most likely will have to come right back to earth and live basically the same "chart" they set up for themselves from the last life. 

An aunt of mine committed suicide because she was afraid to come out as a lesbian.  She drove off of a mountain in Colorado.  It was deemed an accident but I know it was not.  I saw in a dream exactly what she went through and in many of my dreams I see through the eyes of the person who is there.  I felt her deep pain and knew she thought she would be cast off and never accepted.  It is my belief that she was reincarnated to be the daughter of my older sister in this life.  I have not gone public with this belief but I believe it will happen.  I have a psychic knowledge of a conversation we will have talking about a time we spent on her parents farm in Wisconsin.  We shall see. 


I believe I have lived around 56 lives.  I died very young in many of those lives.  I had much stronger memories of many more past lives as a child of course but as you might imagine the staunch upright Catholics of the day back in the early 60's would have nothing of that!   You are thinking wrong!  There is something not quite right about you!  These were normal for me to hear as a child.

My mother  (this life) is one of the only people who tried to be a part of my life but there were many indiscriminate words spoken by her and her husband.  There was a time when I spoke very quietly, almost in a whisper due to the major abuses I had survived.  One of the things my parents told me was, "You can tell us anything!"  Really?!? 

At the time she said this I had no idea why I was the way I was.  I was not aware of the reason I suddenly reverted into a childlike act and spoke as if I was a 3 year old or a 7 year old or what ever year old I spoke as I can not Gage what year I acted.  I only know that it didn't help in building long lasting relationships.  I am so envious of the people I know who speak of having lifelong friends from 3rd grade or before!

I have written 3 letters to my mother in the last year.  None have been returned.  To edit out your life is a very labor intensive thing and that is basically what I needed to do in order to be a part of her life.    Due to some volunteerism I participated in and the inability to jump through that hoop I explained to her that I had to cut ties for a period of time until after the volunteerism ended.  The project went longer than expected and I called her 20 years later to continue to edit out my life.  And now the passive aggressive part starts.

Let me get this "straight".......You believe I am going to be so distraught about the fact that someone got the word out that every last relative I contact on my fathers side is not going to respond because I want to address the issues of child sexual abuse in my Paternal relation.   My father sexually molested me for 9 years in my infancy and young childhood and I need to apologize to him.  There are many conditions to your "unconditional love" but no person will step forward to tell me what those conditions are.    There is a single path I need to follow and there is not a single person who will come forward to tell me what that single path is.  Kind of gives me no way to win.  But am I supposed to "win" in this situation or am I to be the example that I may be the one who is supposed to be the teacher in this situation.  It is all in the perspective.  Who is more accountable, who takes ownership?