Reintegration Into Your Family after Sexual Abuse

I believe that there is a very specific way that a survivor has to be looked at. If you put together all of the basic beliefs you have and then look at a person who has survived child sexual abuse I believe you will see someone who has not been there with you since the time they were sexually molested. They have been with you physically but not much more. There may be times when they are there more then others. The person in question may be more distant soon after the act of sexual molestation. When the molestation is not happening they may be more integrated with the family. The degree of sexual abuse that has happened in the space you have lived in will dictate the distance away you are from your family you have always lived with.

There were periods of my life that I was not able to speak in order to be heard. I was so withdrawn and shut down that I was told to speak up many times. It was very frustrating and I even remember yelling to be heard because I was so sick of people telling me to speak up. What caused me to shut down to the point I could not speak? Remember, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. This being silent did not JUST happen. I did not have mental impairment. This was simply a reaction to what I survived. Equal and opposite.

When there is a realization of sexual abuse in the family the natural reaction would be to cry. Think of it as if a person has been snatched from the family and you have not seen that person in many years. They will look very different and you watch to see if they act the same from the 6 or 10 years since you have seen them. Thinking in common sense terms, to calculate the number of years you have been away after being snatched, you add together the first time you remember being sexually molested to the first time you remembered the beginning of said sexual molestation. As you remember more and more of that sexual molestation, it's as if you are say 200 miles away from your family and the more you remember the closer you get to your home town. Visualize a map and see, maybe the car from the Monopoly Game. You are in the car and you move 5-10 or 15 miles each week closer to your home town. When you finally drive into your town or meet up with your family you are a different person since you remembered and hopefully dealt the all the issues survival of this sort requires. In inherent problem is that, from what I have seen and from what I have experienced to date, the majority of people who remember child sexual abuse and try to address the issue in their family get pushed away and not believed. The percentage of people in this situation I do not know, I have looked without success. Sorry.

There is also the percentage of persons who will choose to just let it go and never speak of it again as if "it didn't happen. It one time I was angry with the people who made this choice but I have come to realize that "who and I to judge"! Outrageous. I do not know the severity of what they experienced and I do not know how close they are to the individuals in their family or group of friends. Personally I have experienced far too much for me to completely just say that it did not happen. This is just a personal choice. If you choose to not go public after you realize you have been sexually molested you can still do things behind the scenes with organizations over the Internet to still make a change, and I hope you do. And thank you for doing so.


What happens when there is a reunion with a long lost relative? I think we have all seen the reunions on all the major talk shows. There is a great deal of crying and hugging and looking closely at each other seeing how you look alike finding out about their likes what you have in common and the most basic of bonding. This is what needs to happen with the reintegration of a sexual survivor into their family. Remember equal and opposite.
I truly believe the analogy works. How often does this happen? From what I see far less than needs to happen or there would not be the steady increase of sexual abuse.

The many people who are on the bus (for what-ever reason they choose) that you are tossed under are the people who are largely responsible for the continuation of the growth of child sexual abuse. That is my belief.
I have stated that more than once but I think it important to reach that group of people and we will see a significant drop of actual cases of child sexual abuse. I have said that specifically because most often the drop of "reported" cases gives a completely different number and THAT is what is most often stated.


The next time you see a reunion with a long lost or "snatched" person, I hope you think of a the reunion of a child sexual abuse survivor and maybe with a little visualization this will begin to happen. I have heard it said that if you can visualize it, it can happen.

Using Power/ Accepting Friendships/ Moving On

There are many survivors of child sexual abuse. If you ask any parent of a survivor how they feel about child sexual abuse they would have the same public disgust of this epidemic as any other person who is a parent or not. If you ask them if they would be open to exploring "the truth between two people" you will most likely come up against a brick wall with the usual excuse that there is mental impairment and false memories with their child. This is as I have stated before one of the main reasons why we can not get a grip on this ever expanding epidemic.

Recently I have been communicating with an older sister who asked for my address. I have 3 siblings who I have had little to no contact with for the last 20 years. I was very involved with human rights issues and did some very involved volunteer work that I received no support with. Every time I asked asked for support (over a 2 year period) with something that was very important to me my relatives took a step backward and said no. Each time they stepped back and said no....I in turn stepped back and refused to support them.

It really is true that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. So we both stepped away from each other for 20 years and out of the blue my sister asks for my address? I am of course suspicious and ask why. She refused to even accept my friendship request on face book from over a year ago. I suggested she accept my friendship and I would give her my address there. No Go! She did not "get it" why I was so upset that she would not accept my friendship. To date my older sister has accepted 143 friends but could not accept my friendship. I have a younger sister who also has refused to accept my friendship on facebook. I am not sure if my younger brother is on facebook at all. He may have put a block on my profile already before I could ask for a friendship.

There is no reason I should trust her and I wondered if this was the beginning of her and other relatives asking me to never show my face in my home town again. I guess I am giving myself advise as to how I should deal with this lack of a relationship. If I have stated that she gives me no reason why I should trust her why am I so upset that she would not accept my friendship on facebook. Just the word friendship would give me hope that there would be some kind of relationship with her and might even open up the possibility of other friendships with other relatives.

We always had the power. It is a mantra of many people who know and love the "Wizard of Oz" but when will we have the backbone to move forward with that power. What about the misuse of power? With power most often you have the misuse of power and the good intent is never realized. There seems to be too many laws protecting a person and not enough laws protecting the many people affected by the misuse of power.


With my own memories of child sexual abuse when some of the memories were still foggy I heard the immediate words from my father that, "IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!" Here is the misuse of power. My pedophile tossed me under the bus.

I could not get support for any social issues I was working to help or doing volunteer work for a period of 20 years. I could not even get a friendship acceptance from 2 of my sisters. Another door has been shut in my face.

You really do have to create your own family when this kind of thing happens but when your trust has been shattered to many times and in so many ways it is very difficult to know who to trust and how to begin.
I say to myself (and to you) that you have to start somewhere and I think that you just have to take the plunge. I will begin with small things and begin to trust in baby steps. Once you begin to trust the small things you build a foundation of trust and you can begin to grow more. This will not happen overnight or even in a few years. Even if you have 3 good friends that you can trust who will be there for you with opportunities for you to be there for them you are a blessed person.

You also have to really like yourself and like your own company. With me I spent much of my childhood alone and explored who I was by myself and did get to really enjoy my time alone. Take a few small steps and feel better about yourself.

I still do not want to give up all hope but there may come a time when you might be healthier to just make a clean break. I am not saying to burn all bridges but there may come a time when you just can't try any more if the person or people in question do nothing to at least meet you half way. The imbalance of perceptions of the events that led up to the break in a relationship with a survivor and the person driving the bus and people riding on that bus is huge.

We somehow need to get the driver to the back of the bus and let people who do not misuse power into the drivers seat.