Sunday, July 10, 2011

Imbalance of Perceptions

I am not well read when it comes to the psychology of child sexual abuse. I am not well read accept for biographical stories, spirituality and artists and their work. The main way I look at a situation is by reason and logic. This may have been written many times and many places before but it seems to me the main reason why there are so many tossed under the bus and deemed to have mental problems is because there is an imbalance in the "Perception or the ABILITY to perceive the actuality of a situation.

I have definite memories of the sexual abuse from infancy to the time I was in about 5Th grade. There is no way my mother is ever going to believe that her husband of almost 50 years ever molested me. There are many people who make sure that no matter what is happening in the house, you always have to keep up appearances. My mother is one of those people. There was no way she could stand by her man and support me as well. What would that mean about her marriage? Has her entire life meant nothing?
The wife is always the one who is hurt worse. You have to face the entire situation and look at all of the people this affects! It effects everyone you ever met and anyone you will ever meet. The ripple effect is vast. The sexual abuse effected you and you act and are different because of it. If I had never been sexually violated my life would have been very different. What has helped me a great deal is that over my formative years in high school I had many years of experience in public speaking. I did 15 years of public speaking starting in my mid twenties and have spoken about all that I am writing about now.

What if the mother did not have to be involved in the addressing child sexual abuse process? That is only if she does not know about it.

There have been some court cases that you see a person step forward and confess to a crime or part of a crime so as not to put there family through such a grueling situation. I am not saying that the police should be involved at all because it seems the more we push with the police the more and more clever people get in hiding when they are unfortunately attracted in a sexual way toward children. What if we just say that this may for the most part be a learned behavior and some do not know why they act sexually upon an infant or child. Maybe the sexual acts they perform are the same sexual acts performed on them when they were "that age". That "that age" being the age that this "tradition" of child sexual abuse in your own situation began.

What would happen if when a person begins to have memories of sexual abuse,that the person in question just comes forward and supports the child. In a perfect world, there would be legal protection for the person coming forward. That may sound crazy to you but if we approach it this way, the mother/wife is protected. There are a great many strong women in this world and I would not deny them the opportunity to be fully involved in the entire process. I just know that my own mother would prefer not to. Sometimes as in my own situation, I did not remember that my own father was at least half of the history of my sexual abuse. My own fathers immediate reaction to my memories of child sexual abuse were, "It DIDN'T HAPPEN!" He of course was thinking of numerous things at the same time. Public knowledge, prison, what would this do to his wife? etc.......
I am sure it was a bombshell close to what happened to me when I first remembered the sexual abuse. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

What if the person who did the sexual abusing just came forward and traced back their own survival to as close to the root as possible. There are many pedophiles who claim to have never been sexually molested. I would say that the majority of them do not remember much of their youths. I feel we have to look more closely at who we really are.

The way I look at it our base is that we are animals. We have skin, hair, fingernails, (claws if you are on one of those "housewives shows" and fur if you are like Robin Williams!) I have written about this before that any animal who's living space is interrupted in any way is going to grow up vastly different than if they were not violated. The actions that the survivor displays is going to look strange and crazy so it is easy to just blame everything on mental illness. Lets stop tossing people under the bus. There are many wife's who have snapped mentally because they just can not rationalize that they love and are married to a man who sexually molests. I would say there is an equal number of survivors who have mentally snapped because they can not believe they were tossed under the bus! Equal measures all around.

I am at a place in my life that I can not just push the vast amount of sexual molestation to the side and pretend that it never happened. I can not wear the rose colored glassed that so many wear these days. I am the person I am as a result of the foundation that was placed before me to walk on in my journey of life. As a Gnostic Christian we believe that we have chosen what we experience. I totally believe this as I actually remember part of that process with my spirit guide. I will not use the word blame here as this is what I chose to experience. The word I will use is "Attribute". This DID happen and you WERE there. Sometimes I walked into a pothole and sometimes it felt as I walked through the Grand Canyon without water for days. Sometimes I do not know how I am still here at all. At those times I Thank God for the people in my life who have helped me survive. I Thank God for the knowledge that I have and I ask for the ability to express what I know and the direction needed to help bring an end to child sexual abuse. Or at least begin to have a legitimate dent if this epidemic. I continue to walk forward and try to get to a garden or keep working on my garden.

I had a therapist many years ago who used that analogy. He told me he liked to look at a persons life as a garden. I suggested that I put down lots of salt to kill what I wanted to kill. He suggested that we pull the weeds. I agreed and he turned out to be one of the most wonderful people I ever met. I want to name him here to thank him but to be polite I will ask him before I do.

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