I now have a partner. We have known each other for the better part of 20 years and have dated on and off for many years but we are now exclusive. It is for the most part really wonderful and most of the time effortless. We were laying in bed the other night talking about attractions. He knows of my surviving child sexual abuse and questioned if I had any attractions to children as we both know there is a percentage of people who have been molested who do have attractions to children in a sexual way.
I am lucky and grateful that I do not have that attraction to children. He told me he didn't think he could be part of a couple where one person was attracted to little boys.
I began to think about my parents reaction to my memories of child sexual abuse and how my "father" immediately expressed how "It didn't happen". It is the easiest thing to do.....to toss me under the bus. It is an easy fix to just proclaim that I have some kind of mental impairment, that I have some kind of "false memories". It must have been just some of the stories that I have read over the years and just placed myself in some of those stories to "draw attention to myself".
What must it be like for my mother? It must be very crushing to even think that her life partner, her husband of many years would be capable of such and act. How much work and effort did this woman give to raise a family and be the kind of woman who would stand by her man in any circumstance? What kind of sacrifices did this woman make for me and the rest of her family?
In order to see the big picture we have to step back and see where she is right now. She is sitting next to her husband, my molester, who is driving the bus that he tossed me under. The rest of the bus is filled with my siblings and many other family members who have made the same choice to stand by my parents as they see very clearly what kind of pain they are going through. I have gone out of my way to cause great amounts of pain, is what they see. Anyone with eyes can see that and the anger is focused directly at me. Very easily people want to kill the messenger. Do they know how I came to be where I am? No they do not. They are not going to go back in their memories and see that I was always afraid of my molester. They will not remember the shy withdrawn little boy who barely spoke. They will not remember the deep and dark bouts of depression I endured as the molestation was going on in my infancy and young child hood. All of that is long forgotten and most likely will not be able to be proved. And there you have another huge dilemma.
I told a friend of mine about this blog for the first time recently. It has been over a year that I have been writing this blog.
His first reaction was, "How are you going to prove it?" People do not have to turn themselves in.
I have a questionnaire that I am working on that I want all people like my father to take. In part it asks the question, "Would you do anything to end child sexual abuse?" What steps would you take in order to do that?
We need to asses new and different ways to let people be honest about their attractions before they take any actions toward a child in a sexual way. There needs to be more education BEFORE any acts are taken on a very young person who is not ready for sexual stimulation. If I could have my way.....I want to see a little talk be given in a junior high to state what the statistics are expecially in what ever area of the world they are in.
Statistics state that in this part of the world that 3 out of 10 of you young children were molested. Statistics also state that ( * ) number of you are in turn going to be attracted to children in a sexual way. You must know that that is not acceptible and you must speak to someone about this BEFORE you act upon your attractions because if you do act upon your attractions you are going to ruin that childs life and the ripple effects will go on for years. You are going to be harming many more people than just the little boy or girl you are touching or exposing yourself to.
There needs to be a great deal more and new and innovative ways of aproaching all of this.
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