Saturday, June 19, 2010

Fathers Day/ Pedophiles Day?

Being a survivor of child sexual abuse from many sources I have very mixed emotions regarding Fathers Day. When I first began having memories at age 27 I felt it important to celebrate the day in some form, so what I decided to do was make some calls and
wish specific men a "Happy Fathers Day". These specific men were not fathers in the bioligical sense of the word but were substancial and very learned men who were mentors to many younger children. A friend of mine was a lawyer who specifically donated time to a community group to give leagal advice. He also had some neices and nephews who he mentored. There were also a few friends who were teachers. One gave many talks in schools about social issues and the other was a teacher and lover of the yo-yo so he taught the yo-yo after school and was a mentor to a great many young people. All of these men were very loved and respected and while I had personal problems I felt it nice to honor amazing men who were a kind of suragate fathers. They gave good sound fatherly advice and genuinely cared when sometimes the biological father just did not have the skills to reach their own child.

When I think of my own situation I immediately think of "phedophiles day". That is nothing to celebrate. I recently wrote to a cousin I reconnected with on facebook to ask him if he would tell me of he and his fathers trouble relationship before his father died. That was 2 months ago and he has not responded. I believe my cousin may have been molested as well. It affects each person differntly and depending on if you are gay, bi or straight it leads to different complications in life. My cousin is married.
One of the last times I saw him was many years ago and I bought him a drink at a bar when I ran into him. He told me he was cutting back on drinking but still did consume that drink. On facebook he informed me he was married. I think it is his 2nd wife. I think he has a child from the first woman he was with. I am not entirely clear on any of his curcumstances. I have the feeling he kind of "sold out" on the "It didn't happen thing" that so many families impose on survivors of child sexual abuse. The kind of thing were a person is told they will be disowned or left out of wills if they speak of any of there supposed past. The
molested person is subjected to a lot of work and self denial and loss of self in the process. I do not feel you can fully heal without really opening up at least to yourself and others in your own family where the molestation may still be happening. I have no right to judge my cousin and wish him no ill will, it's just that as I continue on my own journey of exploration and healing both with in myself and with trying to reach my own birth family it is just another road block for me. I really do not believe that there will ever be any open honest discussions about child sexual abuse. What will happen is it may be in the next generation but that is sad because that means that the sexual abuse is continuing even as I type this out.

Even if you are not a survivor of child sexual abuse try to think of a few men you feel are contributing to the well being of young
people and are surragate fathers who you can call and wish them a "Happy Fathers Day". It will brighten their day and make you feel good at the same time! This kind of action brings about a healing.

Happy Fathers Day!

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