I keep thinking of how my father/molester blamed me for my mothers broken heart. Anger does not begin to express how I feel about that. As far as that broken heart my mother has experienced, I know how it feels as it happened to me as an infant and child and more than once. If you look at this logically you have to realize that this HAS to be true. The law that "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction" shows clearly that this is how it played out.
My mother has refused all forms of communication with me after I visited her in rehab after her stroke. My sisters have refused to "friend" me on Facebook. Every relative I have reached out to with phone calls and emails has refused to speak with me or communicate at all about the issue of incest. Tough crowd! It looks as if they are as a group, trying to "break my heart", to show me how it feels as they all have seen the result of a broken heart with my mother. When I was an infant and young child I got lost in the shuffle. I clearly remember being put on the swing as an infant and being too exhausted from trauma to act as "I should".
I remember having heavy eyes and a straight lipped face as I hung my little head and slowing shook it in a "no". That was at a lovely city park in my home town of 12,000 people. I remember crying a great deal and more so, having been forced to stop crying. So when a person is forced to stop crying and you swallow all that trauma you sink lower and lower. I remember having cold sores on my upper lip. Sometimes the sores covered my entire upper lip like a mustache. Then there was the period that I would only speak in a whisper. I also had panic attacks which eventually put me in the hospital in the psych ward in my late teens. In all of these instances I was sometimes comforted but most of the time I was just told to, "Get over it!" I often heard, "Oh, for pity sakes!" "Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about!" Did my mother know that she was only putting salt on a wound? No, she did not. With my father/molester he is a Gemini so that helps with his duality.
The actions of my relatives to try to break my heart, to show me what I have done to my mother is NEVER going to work. During the period of my broken hearts, how close a bond do you think was able to be made with anyone?!? Let me tell you, NOT MUCH. The interpretation of these people is completely off the mark. What of my father?!? It really is a rational thought that if my father/molester was so innocent, wouldn't he have a broken heart? He certainly is quick to find fault in my actions to blame me for my mothers heart. He would have certainly complained and blamed me for "his" broken heart as well! That did not happen as he does not have a broken heart. The need for a molester to hide transcends the love a father has for his son. That is in my case anyway. I would believe that I am not alone.
Many years ago an aunt told me how she had been felt up by an uncle of hers. This is something she told me after I confided to her about my survival of incest. This was to tell me that the best way to deal with this is to be quiet about it. Being felt up and having experienced child molestation from infancy to the forth grade do not compare. At what point do we "just be quiet"? You were only felt up. Hand under sweater, over bra. Hand down pants and inserted a finger in an orifice. He only put his penis in your mouth one time. He only raped you two times. What do we just let slide? What is acceptable to most relatives of incest survivors? I will have to send this post to the aunt in question. I will let you know what happens. If you have read any of my words I think you know the outcome.
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