I Couldn't Cry When Daddy Died/* THIS BOOK WAS PRINTED AND SOLD WITHOUT THE AUTHORS AUTHORIZATION!

The title of this post is not about me. Yet. This is the title of the latest incest biography that I am reading. I tried to contact the printer to post something that I read in this book. I could not reach that company. I looked up the author online and found her.
Her name is Iris Galey. I got an email back from her, in fact 4 or 5 emails. They were somewhat frantic as she told me she HAD NO IDEA HER BOOK WAS BEING PRINTED AND SOLD IN THE USA! I have been doing some research for her to try to track down the person or people who have been stealing from Iris Galey. She did give me permission to repost what I had read in her book. The words were from a teacher of hers. I found the words very profound and thought they would help many others. The teacher wrote down 10 things. I am going to write these words out for myself. Here is what that teacher wrote.



1. I am a unique, valuable person. Every person is.
2. I should never compare myself to other. I am me.
3. I must learn to love and accept myself.
4. If I can't love myself, I can't love others.
5. My attitude towards life, makes life.
6. I must learn to live in the present.
7. To learn to know myself is the greatest art and honesty.
8. Out of every death new life grows.
9. I am part of everyone. Everyone is part of me.
10. I have a teacher and friend who believes in me.

Ivo van Landers


When I read these words, I found great comfort in their message. Over the years I have had teachers who were friends who believed in me. I would venture to say that Ivo van Landers would probably not mind if you thought of him as a friend and that these words are for any person who needs to feel better about themselves and to move forward with their own healing.

As for the business of printing this book without permission, it saddens me that the author has been violated again in a different way. If you have any knowledge of this book in your community please contact me with any and all information of where you found the book and where it may continue to be sold. I found the copy of this book at a library in Minneapolis.

A Second Broken Heart

I keep thinking of how my father/molester blamed me for my mothers broken heart. Anger does not begin to express how I feel about that. As far as that broken heart my mother has experienced, I know how it feels as it happened to me as an infant and child and more than once. If you look at this logically you have to realize that this HAS to be true. The law that "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction" shows clearly that this is how it played out.

My mother has refused all forms of communication with me after I visited her in rehab after her stroke. My sisters have refused to "friend" me on Facebook. Every relative I have reached out to with phone calls and emails has refused to speak with me or communicate at all about the issue of incest. Tough crowd! It looks as if they are as a group, trying to "break my heart", to show me how it feels as they all have seen the result of a broken heart with my mother. When I was an infant and young child I got lost in the shuffle. I clearly remember being put on the swing as an infant and being too exhausted from trauma to act as "I should".
I remember having heavy eyes and a straight lipped face as I hung my little head and slowing shook it in a "no". That was at a lovely city park in my home town of 12,000 people. I remember crying a great deal and more so, having been forced to stop crying. So when a person is forced to stop crying and you swallow all that trauma you sink lower and lower. I remember having cold sores on my upper lip. Sometimes the sores covered my entire upper lip like a mustache. Then there was the period that I would only speak in a whisper. I also had panic attacks which eventually put me in the hospital in the psych ward in my late teens. In all of these instances I was sometimes comforted but most of the time I was just told to, "Get over it!" I often heard, "Oh, for pity sakes!" "Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about!" Did my mother know that she was only putting salt on a wound? No, she did not. With my father/molester he is a Gemini so that helps with his duality.

The actions of my relatives to try to break my heart, to show me what I have done to my mother is NEVER going to work. During the period of my broken hearts, how close a bond do you think was able to be made with anyone?!? Let me tell you, NOT MUCH. The interpretation of these people is completely off the mark. What of my father?!? It really is a rational thought that if my father/molester was so innocent, wouldn't he have a broken heart? He certainly is quick to find fault in my actions to blame me for my mothers heart. He would have certainly complained and blamed me for "his" broken heart as well! That did not happen as he does not have a broken heart. The need for a molester to hide transcends the love a father has for his son. That is in my case anyway. I would believe that I am not alone.

Many years ago an aunt told me how she had been felt up by an uncle of hers. This is something she told me after I confided to her about my survival of incest. This was to tell me that the best way to deal with this is to be quiet about it. Being felt up and having experienced child molestation from infancy to the forth grade do not compare. At what point do we "just be quiet"? You were only felt up. Hand under sweater, over bra. Hand down pants and inserted a finger in an orifice. He only put his penis in your mouth one time. He only raped you two times. What do we just let slide? What is acceptable to most relatives of incest survivors? I will have to send this post to the aunt in question. I will let you know what happens. If you have read any of my words I think you know the outcome.

Dancing With Daddy/Not My Story

The latest biography of incest I have read is called, "Dancing With Daddy". I believe I am reading every biography I can find about this subject to kind of do a self study. I have for a long time thought that the majority of survivors remember in their mid to late twenties. I guess I have to search out the recent statistics regarding peoples memories. A friend who has been studying psychology with a focus on sexual abuse survivors has told me that that is not always the case. I do remember I met a friend of a friend who remembered into her mid fifties that her brother had sexually molested her. The mind finds a way to protect us. We remember when it is time to remember when we are more able to cope with the traumatic memories.

Betsy Petersen remembered her father molesting her later in life. Her father/molester had already died. Her mother believed her when she told of the sexual molestation and there was joint counseling. It is a very sad and interesting story and I must say that
Miss Petersen really has a beautiful style of writing. Each story that I read is vastly different. I personally have been told that what I remember is from some article I have read and I must have just transposed myself into the story, to draw attention to myself.
Those things only happen when a divorced mother has a boyfriend who molests her child.....etc.

While there are some components to some stories that are similar to my own survival, I have not transposed anything of any other story to my own story. I have no need to. It's not my story.

I Just Finished Reading In My Fathers Arms/ I Think I Was Disabled

"In My Fathers Arms, A true story of incest" is a very interesting well written story of survival. It was written by Walter A. Milly lll. I found it interesting that when he described many layers of emotional reactions and disorders I could really relate. Of course all of my personal experiences were all in different order and timelines. I was kind of reliving all of what I had experienced. I also just read "How to cook your daughter" which was written by Jessica Hendra, daughter of Tony Hendra a well known writer for National Lampoon. I have always enjoyed reading biographies and autobiographies. I find other peoples stories very interesting. With reading as many biographies about survivors of child sexual abuse I find it interesting and a little disappointing that I am not finding these people extending some kind of discussion on really looking at how to end the epidemic of child sexual abuse. I have written some of my story and have hopes of someday having a book released. In my book I would certainly have this blog as part of it and "The works in progress" on how I would address child sexual abuse.

On a side note: I recently did my taxes. I could not help stop and really give it some thought when I read the question,"Are you permanently disabled?" Sometimes I believe that I am disabled. I am certainly a much different person for having survived incest.
I think I was disabled. I am a highly productive person. I have many hopes and dreams. I try to stay optimistic. Pretty normal.
I Think I Was Disabled.

A PRAYER TO THE UNIVERSE

DEAR UNIVERCE. MY PRAYER TO YOU IS THAT ALL OF MY SOCIAL JUSTICE ISSUES AND MY SOCIALIST IDEAS AND PROJECTS GO FORWARD AND MAKE A GREAT IMPACT ON THIS PLANET EARTH. I WANT TO EMPOWER AS MANY PEOPLE AS I CAN AND DO EVERYTHING I CAN TO HEAL THE EARTH AND ALL ITS LIVING INHABITANTS. I THANK YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU ARE TO ME AND I APPOLOGIVE IF I HAVE HARMED YOU IN ANY WAY.

Not Prepared For Adult Life/ Not Prepared To Work And Preserve Appearances

There are different ways I want people to look at survivors of child sexual abuse. When I see a situation I feel would better explain where a person is in there coming back from child sexual abuse I point out the similarities.

Today I was watching an True Hollywood Story about child actors. In their upbringing they are not really living a normal existence. They have scripts to study and private tutors. They have limited time to just be children and interact socially. During the time they are in front of the camera or doing public appearances they are always "on" as in the character they portray on television or in a movie. This was back in the 60's and 70's. The situation may have changed in the more current years. When the work for the child ends they are thrust out into the public without a public that really cares about them. They are just used and pushed aside.

When a person is experiencing child sexual abuse they are being used. During the time they are sexual objects they are constantly told to act their age. With me I watched other children my own age in order to know how to act. For the most part I shut down emotionally. It was a great deal of work to "act my age". When the child sexual abuse came to end I did not have the social skills to really fit in and I did not have the skills to build the long term friendships that I have seen happen with so many people I know.

To me I saw some very real correlations with the story of child actors and children who are sexually abused. There is no safety net for either. There is a great deal of alcohol and drugs and some have very real issues with sexuality. Having a relationship and building a life with someone is very tricky if you are a survivor of either situation. I have been asked if being sexually molested made me gay. I do not believe that is the way it works.

I have not written at great length about being a Gnostic but here is an opportunity for clarity. I believe that we choose all that we experience in life before we come to this planet. I actually remember some of that process. They say that God does not give you more than you can handle. I do not believe that. God Is a perfect being. It would not be perfect to have God choose what you will experience. When we choose all that we are going to experience we must be accountable for all that we choose. There are some things that we choose and some things that we agree to live through.

Appearances do count for much more than we ever give them credit for. The misperception of appearances is a big part of the reason a survivor of child sexual abuse is slowly pushed aside if the survivor does not continue to work to preserve the appearance of normalcy. If you are gay or bisexual, it is a great deal of work to put on a show about passing as "straight". If you are a survivor of child sexual abuse it is equally a difficult task to brush years of sexual abuse to the side and put on a show that your family is as supportive and loving as they want to appear. It is a great deal of work to not be yourself. Many who place that demand on their child, niece or nephew, brother or sister do not understand the volume of work that that entails. The survivor of child sexual abuse and the family or friends who are not equipped or refuse to ever think that their husband or father or uncle ever touched them in an inappropriate way will never see eye to eye. Most people want to see conclusive proof before they will ever believe that child sexual abuse ever took place. I have stated this before but how is a person to prove anything that happened 20 or more years ago. In todays technological world there is much more of a chance to have video or audio proof of child sexual abuse, especially when many want documentation of their conquests and material that they can go back to for their future sexual pleasures or they trade some of this documentation with other molesters.

I have found in my case that the misperception of my mental impairment is very strong. In my experience when anyone lays down the law and ends the conversation that there are no winners. We need to open up the dialogue and put everything out on the table. If after that happens and you still believe that you can not find a way to have any kind of relationship there needs to be a difficult decision as to part ways. I personally would always leave the door open if anyone would like to come back into my life but there would need to be at least the basic stance of mutual respect. I personally do not have the energy to pretend away all that others are not comfortable dealing with.

It is only with the acceptance of what I have survived that I can deal with it all and fully prepare myself for the adult life that I am living now. Accept yourself and find the support that you so deserve.

Sometimes, When You Lose Your Father, The Molester Remains

I went to a funeral today. It was the death of a friends father. One of the daughters who spoke said,"You are never the same after you lose your father." I believe that once a person acts in a sexual way to their infant or child that you are no longer the father. You are the molester. I believe I lost my father when I was an infant. The really strange and confusing thing is that when the father is gone and the molester is still there, what should I feel about this person? Sometimes you do not have a choice of how your feel toward someone. There are some wicked consequences if you do not play the game about child sexual abuses. Most families will tell you point blank, "You will bury these false memories and never bring them up again. If you do this you can be part of the family." The others, like myself who held on to the belief that honesty is the best policy chose to try to address child sexual abuse.

There are so many instances of unwritten rules. In the job market I was told many times to "play the game". Basically lie. Play along. Don't make waves. Fade into the crowd. If you do anything else you are labeled as someone trying to draw attention to themselves. I am told the same in my private life. I was raised Catholic and they taught me to be honest. Oh, but lets not mention when that visiting priest felt you up when he "helped" you on with that cassock.

I lost my father long ago. He took himself away from me. He also took the rest of the family with him. Then he stood back and tossed me under the bus when I began having memories of the many times he would put his penis in my mouth. What should I feel about this family man? This upstanding community man. This man who volunteered in the cub scouts, who raised a family of 4 with many vacations and family dogs, with all the outward appearances that showed the neighbors and everyone what a wonderful man he is. I would be part of this family if I only smiled and said everything is just fine. Everything is as fine as Ward and June Cleaver looking that we strive for it to be. For me to do that I believe I would lose part of my soul.

For some their family is like having the whole world. What good is it if a man should gain the whole world and yet lose his own soul. I choose not to lose my soul. I guess since many will not answer my letters about trying to address child sexual abuse that this is one family legacy that will continue. I sadly have no power over this. I reached out and warned my sisters of what could happen. Let us hope he did not act upon his yearnings. I guess that if this does in fact continue that I find some 2nd or 3rd cousin willing enough to be honest as I have and actually try to address this epidemic.