Showing posts with label Chippewa Falls Wisconsin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Chippewa Falls Wisconsin. Show all posts

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Nature / Non-Nurture

You always hear about being the product of our upbringing.  The old debate about Nature and Nurture.
We have to look at this more closely and bring in the category of Non-Nuture.

Look at what is a part of the persons life and address that Non-Nuture part.

This of course applies to Any part of a persons life.  Not just child sexual abuse.

As I always say; Address the Problem at its Core and fix it from there.

Nature / Nurture

Nature / Non-Nurture

Where are you in this mix?

Where is your family in this mix?

We need to begin speaking about Family Health!


Sunday, April 5, 2015

A Sexual Abuse Survivor is Always at The Scene Of the Crime

The scene of the crime has always been about the location, as in the address or building.  It occurs to me that being the survivor of sexual abuse, you are always at the scene of the crime.    Your body is your house.  The vehicle that houses your Soul.  This makes things very complicated.


                                                                    Uncounted Survivor




                                                                   

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Steps to Recovery of Incest

There are many different theories about the process of recovery of incest and child sexual abuse.
This is one that I thought was very clear and it works for me.  There are still steps that I need to work through.  I may need to step back and go through a step I thought I was through or go to a deeper level of understanding to go on to the next level.  That is what I have placed before myself.  I believe in setting goals but have the realization that the real healing process takes time.  If you are a survivor as well please check out this site.  If it does not work for you, By All Means Keep Looking For Something or Someone who Can Help!  It is Important to Take the Steps.

Copy and paste this addy below.  I am not tech savvy to have you just click ON it.  Sorry.  It is a very good site with a great deal of Healing Advice.  

http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/incest/recovery.php


Sunday, January 4, 2015

Private Chat on Facebook with a Male Cousin

Me: Hey Cousin,  How are you?  Just wondering if you could get me Doris's address.  Thanks.










[Doris was an Aunt]

Cousin: 
Hi! Things are well. How about for you? 
About Doris though, she passed away a few years ago.











Me: 
I am in (Mid-West City) and am about to begin marketing my art work……other than that I am working to make a living….. but I do have 3 day weekends at this point so that is good……    I asked about Doris as I must have seen her Double a few days ago.  There was a beautiful well dressed woman whom I could have Sworn was Doris.  As I am not on the best of terms with many (Paternal Family) right now……. I did not cross that path.  But………  This woman looked exactly like Doris.











Cousin: 
Best of luck with your artwork. What mediums do you use? I'm certainly no artist, but I enjoyed art so much in college that I have a great appreciation for those with such gifts.
Yes, I'm aware of your falling out with your family. That isn't something I can relate to . . . And I'm blessed to have my family. I'm sure its a difficult situation for you and your family both. I'll pray for you and them both.










December 8, 2014

Me: As for the "falling out"…..there was not a falling out……there was incest for 10 years from my father…he also involved me in child porn…….then there was the time I was gang raped by mouth on the paternal farm in  Bloomer, WI. where I had a near death experience and had oral gonnoreah as a parting gift….there were also a few priests….and other various molestation I survived……  and the only way I can be a part of most of the [paternal family] lives is if I pretend it didn't happen.  I spoke publicly for 15 years about this and I have a blog I have written in for the last almost 3 years.  It's all about abandonment from the [paternal family]………They are not my favorite people.   It would be interesting to hear what if any details you have heard.  Mostly I thing there is the ongoing lie that I have mental impairments.











Cousin: 
I apologize for stating it as a "falling out." That probably appeared to be making light of the whole ordeal,  but please know that from my perspective I only saw my cousin no longer speaking to his family and his family no longer speaking to their son. 
I haven't heard any details. From my perspective my mother was the only of that side of the family with any, albeit minimal, contact. 
The events that you describe are terrible,  and I don't want to make light of it. 
It would be ok to speak about your family, but maybe not write about it. We could get coffee over Christmas if you like . . . But don't feel obligated.












Me: 
No apology needed.  Coffee over Christmas would be great.










Seen Dec 8

*I copied and pasted this conversation with my cousin from Facebook.  There was one part of the conversation that upon re-reading did not make it here.  When I explained to this cousin I had done 15 years of public speaking about social justice and incest survival my cousin thought that was good but my cousin objected when I told him I was also writing a blog for almost 4 years.  It is unfortunate that there are generations of hiding pedophiles.  I should not judge but I am saddened that it looks as if my paternal side of the family were in charge of dealing with pedophile priests, they would most likely just
relocate them as the Catholic Church did for years.  

*I did not see my cousin on Facebook during the Christmas Holiday and there was no communication from him to have the coffee.  I still enjoyed coffee and was grateful!

I hope you all had a Joyous Holiday and Celebrated the Birth of Christ.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

DARK HUMOR - Twas The Night Before Christmas (Santa Was A Pedophile)

Twas the night before Christmas and all thro’ the house, 
There was one creature stirring, it wasn’t the mouse;
His stocking was hung in my face with such dare,
In hopes that his dickolas would soon be “down there”;
My siblings were nestled all snug in there beds, 
While I gave that damn ass hole some wonderful head, 
And Mama in her ‘kerchief, and my diaper full of crap,
If I did not a good job, “Santa” gave me a slap’
He had just settled into a nice rhythmic fuck, 
I soon had the feeling, I’m fresh out of luck. 
When out in the hall there rose such a clatter, 
My mother came in to see what was the matter. 
Away under the bus I flew in a flash, 
Tossed me under the tire, then made a mad dash. 
The moon on my face with his milky white snow, 
At the corners of my mouth, no suspicion arose?  
When what do my wondering ears they do hear,
A little “white lie” and a suggestion of more beer.
That little old driver, an asshole so quick,
I knew I was stuck with this horrible prick. 
More rapid than eagles his lies when they came, 
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name, 
Now dash here, now dance here, now prance here you vixen, 
On Trusting, on Believing at Once you poor victim.
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! 
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”
As dry heaves from the assault, the wild hurricane did fly, 
When they met with an obstacle, mounted to “that guy”,
So up to the house-top the course that he flew, 
To control all of the aspects of live that was below.
Then to my deep dismay that I saw from this land,
The wanting and yearning of many small hands,
As he held my small head, my head spinning around, 
Down my throat did st. Dick, he had cum with a bound:
Then he dressed and changed my diaper then kissed my small foot,
And his big smile was tainted, that ass hole’s a coot, 
A bundle of lies he had flung on my back:
His eyes how they squinted and dared me to speak,
His cheeks were  were so rosy, the liquor did reek;
His droll little mouth had a nasty smirked smile, 
And the acts he inflicted made me throw up some bile.
The stump of his pipe he held down past my teeth,
And the stroke of his dick held my head in the wreath.
He had a broad face, and a little round belly, 
That shook when he fuck, my face like it’s jelly:

He was controlling and a grump a wright he gave to himself, 
And I cried when I saw him, I had no “myself”,
A squint of his eye and a punch to my head
Soon gave me the knowledge there’s so much to dread.
He spoke not one word, he went straight to his “work”,
He drained my poor childhood, turned on me; such a jerk.
And laying his middle finger upon me he chose, 
To give the world his warped view and came smelling like a rose. 
He sprung to his family, to his team he gave a whistle, 
And away they all flew, I had to swallow another thistle:
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight;
My sons under the left tire, and to all a a good night. 





It is near the Holiday Season and I thought I would repost this.  Such dark humor.  Sorry if you are offended but this type
of dark humor helps me get through life.  Who else but a survivor of darkness could write such horrible things?!?  ;-)



Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Realizing the Magnitude of Loss/ Being Happy That You Are A Survivor~!

There is an evolution of understanding that comes with the research of missing pieces of your life when trying to heal from incest and child sexual abuse.

From the beginning I was always told by "family" that I was always changing my story [of survival],  therefore I was never supported.  The "changing" of my story was actually the memories filling in, in a way that I was able to process them and understand them more.   I have read and realize it to be true that we only remember the abuse when we are of a mature age to deal with all the past trauma.

I like to watch "The Long Island Medium".  I completely believe that there are spiritual souls such as
Theresa Caputo who can speak with the dead for purposes of healing and knowing that our loved ones will always be here with us guiding us and supporting us as try to learn the lessons that we ourselves have placed in our own paths.  That last sentence is in reference to my being a Gnostic Christian and our belief that God is perfect and that we and not God choose what we feel we need to learn and grow from.  Many times on "The Long Island Medium" they of course speak of loss of loved ones and the devastation that it brings.  I use this analogy because we as survivors have a great deal of loss even when we still live with the people in our "family".    Quite literally,  I believe the more members in your family the more loss you deal with.

I have two sisters and a brother.  None of them will communicate with me.  My mother will not answer
any letters I have written.   My father/my pedophile did not answer my letter outlining all of the violations I endured from him.  I was not surprised by that.  Since I saw that my father/pedophile was in complete control I did not bond with any of my siblings or my mother.  There is loss.  I perseverated
all my infancy and childhood about what I was experiences and so I did not bond with school friends.   There is more loss.  I did manage to make some long term friends when in high school but that was because I was getting out from under the controlling thumb that my father imposed.  I joined clubs and spend less and less time with people that I did not bond with.  AKA blood relations.   I have about 30 first cousins on each side of my family.  I am not in my home town and I do not know the extent of lies my father has told to cover up his actions of molestation.  I also do not know how many times these lies have been repeated.  How many people have been hurt by the ripples?

I know many people who speak of lifelong friends and for a time I was envious.  Over the years I have learned to be very happy for those people and less upset as I believe I have chosen this path to better understand more fully the ripples of devastation to those who experience incest and child sexual abuse.   I also take into consideration the layers of ripples to people such as my mother.  She has had her heart broken and I am the target to the cause of that broken heart.  I know that she will know one day that I am not the bad person.   This realization will only bring more pain as she reviews her life and asks, "But what does that make of my marriage?"  Should a person pretend that life is all….Sunshine, lollipops and Unicorns to save the hurt that ones mother feels?  Does this not give the green light for more molestations to continue in future generations?

I knew someone who lived with HIV/AIDS for 20 years.   He and I did public speaking together for 15 of those years about social justice and I often spoke of the issues of child sexual abuse.  One of the talks he gave that I was not able to attend was at a large theatre warehouse space.  He was in front of a crowd of almost 400 people and he told me that it hit him like waves of despair of the number of friends he had lost.  It was over 350 friends he had lost.  He had to step back and take a few deep breaths before he continued the talk.  I held him and we both cried.   I helped him along the way and he helped me find a therapist that fit with my needs.   It wasn't until now that I am realizing that there was a definite connection to the same kind of magnitude of loss.  Because he had more of an emotional connection I feel that his feeling of loss hit him harder as I have asked this question many times;  "Have you ever had a villa in the south of France?"  Most will answer no.  If you had a villa in the south of France (or anywhere for that matter) and you lost that villa in one fell swoop that would be very devastating.  I realize that that is just a thing and not a human connection but you see I will never really understand that because I have never really had a strong bond with anyone in my family so I really don't know the complete loss and I never had those emotional bond.  I can only feel sad that I never had that bond and try to build relationships now.  I have had to hone my skills in social etiquette without having had the foundation that one usually relies upon in a healthy setting of infancy and youth.

I have recently placed an ad on a website to find more friends.  I have had two responses and plan on
going to a museum or out for coffee with these two people.   They are small steps but important steps in not isolating one self.  I always encourage survivors to connect with others in safe and empowering ways.  There will be some missteps along the way, I am sure I have made some but you just have to keep trying.  Be good to yourself and try to be a friend to others so they will be friends with you.

It is fine to be sad about the past but happy that you are a Survivor.  Live in the Now.   Keep growing
and healing.













Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Questions for a Nonsupporting Family

1.In the event that someone in my family remembers child sexual abuse I will…

a.Refuse to believe it and dismiss the person who has memories of child sexual abuse.
b.Support all parties involved in this national epidemic.
c.Educate myself before I make any judgment, before making any decisions.
d.Choose ignorance.
e.Explain on back of page in free form answer if no answer applies to you.

2.My knowledge of incest and child sexual abuse is…

a.I have no knowledge of this national epidemic.
b.I only know about what is in the news and the internet and churches.
c.I do not read such articles, I choose ignorance.
d.Explain on back of page in free form answer if no answer applies to you.

3.What are your views on eliminating the statute of limitations regarding child sexual abuse?

a.There is no statute of limitations for a child who survives child sexual abuse so I believe it should be eliminated.
b.Ten years is a long enough time to take action when investigating child sexual abuse regardless if the person in question is supported or not.
c.When sorting out the ever increasing memories and trying to put them all together there needs to be a longer time.
d.I choose ignorance.
e.Explain on back of page if no answer applies to you.

4.Knowing that child sexual abuse is more about control than anything else I remember that…..

a.My father was a very controlling person.
b.My grandfather was a very controlling person.
c.My uncle was a very controlling person.
d.Controlling men were on my Mothers/Fathers side.  (circle paternal choice when applicable)
e.I choose ignorance.
f.Explain on back of page if no answer applies to you.

5.The reason I do not support the person in my family who has had memories of child sexual abuse is that…

a.My relationship with the man/men the family member remembers is strong and I will not rock that relationship.
b.I never bonded with the person in question and was always told that he/she had a mental impairment.
c.It is a depressing subject and I am too busy to deal with all this.
d.To not support this person is the easiest thing to do.
e.I choose ignorance.
f.Explain on back of page if no answer applies to you.



*I asked my sister many months ago if she would be interviewed by me for this blog.  She said, "No thanks"  I still thought it would be interesting to type out a few questions.  Maybe I will sent this out to a few family members.   If you yourself are experiencing abandonment issues you might choose to use this as a template for your own questions for your family or friends.  If you like print these off and discuss them with your therapist.  Add to the questions and share them here if you like.  Continue to keep the conversation going!  And thank you for checking in.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Focus Away From The Poisoned Houses and Places of Molestation

I have been thinking about how the houses I grew up in were basically poison.


                                                 
This is not the house I grew up in.  This house is in the neighborhood I live in now.  It looks exactly like the house I was in the longest in my childhood.  The houses I grew up in were what I call the scenes of the crimes.  For some reason my father was attracted to infants and children so each house I lived in started out very nicely but quickly turned bad for me when I was molested in each house.  My parents and more so my mother had many places that I and my siblings would go to over the years.  There were many wedding dances, church picnics, parks and lakes and water-skiing, and camping and family gatherings.  There were very large gatherings at Christmas time and from any persons point of view if you saw all that was presented to me and my siblings you would think that we had it made!  Such generosity of activities and many sacrifices to make all that happen!  Some of us had it made but I was not one of those lucky ones.  The main foundation of your life is where you live.  If you have been violated in a building and forced to live in the place of many violations, that crushes you.  You really do not form a bond with siblings and certainly not your parents as one is violating you and the other trusts her husband explicitly!

At least I have those memories and snippets of relaxation so I try to focus on that part of my past memories.  I have to move beyond the major stresses that living in poisoned houses left me with and focus on the memories away from the poisoned houses.




Wednesday, June 25, 2014

A Letter To My Mother, From File # 13

Dear Eileen,

I remember the day I lost you, for the 3rd time.  I was only around 2.5 years old.  The memory is that we would sometimes take a little afternoon nap.  We would curl up and fall fast asleep and when I woke up you were gone after having put me down for my nap in a most loving way.  I felt your love so many times up until the time your husband began putting his dick in my mouth.

And the next time you wanted to lay down with me I got up and began to cry as I walked away very confused as to why it didn't feel the same and the only reason why is that, Now the house was unsafe and you were not to be trusted as you trusted and went along with almost everything your husband wanted and demanded.

But wait theres more!  This was the 3rd house we all lived in and some form of molestation happened in each house.   He pulled the rug out from under me so many times.  He had everyone eating out of the palm of his hands and doing the "Molly Coddle" thing.  And while sometimes I have felt great pain and anger at this I mostly feel really sad for you.  The only thing I asked of him was honesty with me.  Just tell me what happened to you and lets address this issue of child sexual abuse and incest in the
____________ Family.  And now he is playing the poor damaged disrespected father.

And the Academy Award goes to…….

I know all of the emotions that you have gone through with not having me around.  I know because I experienced all of those same emotions when my safety was taken away from me for the 3rd time at the age of 2.5 years old.  And when I was gang raped and had a near death experience at age 4 years old while receiving the parting gift of oral gonorrhea….well lets just say…that didn't help!

In order to be a part of your life it seems I have to publicly profess to having a mental impairment.  The other option is that we sit down with some trained therapists to discuss and address the real issues…Not the ones you have made up.

At some point we all take responsibility of who we are and where we are in life.  I believe I have done that.  I wish you well on your journey of self accountability.  I wish the same for your husband, my molester.

Lets just Sign Me,

File #13







Monday, August 6, 2012

See If There Are Registered Child Sexual Offenders In Your Area

I was curious about my hometown and registered child sex abuse offenders.  I came upon this site where you can put in your zip code and find out who to watch out for.  I am always looking out for the safety of children.  I often see children alone who by my standards should not be out by themselves.


One memory that comes to mind is that I was in a friends neighborhood and saw a child barely able to walk on his own wandering around in front of a duplex.  I took the hand of the child and asked where his parents were.  He pointed to the side of the house and we walked around and found his mother in the kitchen towards the back of the house.  I explained I was visiting a friend in the area and did not think the little guy should be out by himself.  She thanked me profusely and told me she thought the little guy was with her husband who apparently had just left in his car.  Thats the only part of the story I got.   In the time that the husband left to the time I came along many horrible things could have happened to this child.  I am grateful that I was there at the right time.

The web address to check out to be on the watch for predators is:   http://www.offendex.com/

I suggest that you check this out for your own neighborhood or even to places your family might visit.
Where ever you go with children is the place you should check out.

There are so many rules as to where a sex offender can live that it is increasingly difficult to house them.  They have to be a certain distance from any school or daycare.  There has to be notifications to residents living in the area.  Each state or community has different restrictions.

In my search I found 94 child sex offenders from the zip code of the house I grew up in.

http://www.offendex.com/