Recipe For Life

I love when I remember my dreams.  A recent dream was very comforting and I thought I would post the details and what I got from that dream.

I found myself in a very large clean building that housed some lecture and social halls and also some people I perceived as very wise Deans.  I wandered around the building and observed a few gatherings of people and some of the Deans who had monkeys walking beside them.  I believed they were helper monkeys.  A monkey would sometimes screech at the wise Dean and in turn the Dean would talk back to the monkey in the same screech language.  They were not disrespectful of each other they just knew the same monkey language.  There were two male Deans and one female Dean.  I had great respect for them as they seemed very spiritual and very wise.

As I went through this very large clean building I came upon a kind of waiting room with wingback chairs and a few end tables.  I was speaking with someone who looked familiar but I could not place where I knew her from.  She had a small box of cookies she was reading from and showed me what was written on the box.  It read, "A Recipe For Life".  She explained to me that it was nice that that was written on the box but felt it would be good to apply it to ones life.  We all need to figure out for ourselves what is the recipe for ourselves to live our lives to the fullest.  The decisions we make for ourselves are very important and while we are helped along the way to make decisions we have to hold on to some that are very personal.  Spirituality is one important choice.  I had a great deal of trouble when I decided very young the Catholic faith was not for me.

I am no expert of dream interpretation but this is the message that I took from this dream.  This Blog in turn is part of the recipe I am writing for myself.  A healing process.  Even to this day as I grow there are many who could never believe that I experienced sexual molestation.  I can not be the person they want me to be.  The experiences I had changed me forever and I have to live "as me".

We need to take all the different messages we get from our dreams or the people who cross our path in order to build and create our own Recipe For Life.  Borrow a few good traits from the people we cross paths with and remember the many good things that our healthier family members have brought to our lives.

I always remember one important lesson from my parents.  They taught me to have empathy for people who for what ever reason "just don't get it".  There are some very overwhelming situations that some just can not wrap their mind around.  It is just too unbelievable and they feel their mind would just snap.

My mother taught me to have empathy for my mother.

Transitional Periods

I am in a transitional period.  I have not been here in a long time.  It seems in the past I was posting on a pretty regular basis.  I somehow was inspired by events or people who crossed my path or I may have been getting encouragement and psychic feeds from the other side.   There have been times in my life where I was going into a situation where I had no idea what I would say or write and how I would say or write it.   In those times I would pray for guidance and a great deal of help with vocabulary.  I can not tell you the amount of times when that prayer was answered.  I have always prayed for strength and courage.  My prayers have been answered many times.   That being said.

The transitions I am going through involve, first and for most, A change in address.  I am now living in a much nicer and more expensive address.  First floor walk out patio and three blocks to a nice lake with many restaurants.  I continue to read many biographies of other survivors of incest and child sexual abuse and watch as many documentaries of the same epidemic.   I balance this self study with watching vintage cartoons and many old funny movies along with some from Bette Davis and Joan Crawford.  I have recently read a biography of Joan Crawford, read like a love letter, and had to watch vintage movies of both these amazing actresses.   I have also been reading more books by James Van Praagh.   Really an amazing psychic and medium.  Of the many books I have been reading I really recommend, "When the Piano Stops".  Fascinating and amazing story of a brave and courageous woman named Catherine McCall.

I have also been investigating a support group to speak about incest and child sexual abuse.  I am not sure how I will be received while being a Gnostic Christian and believing I chose to be a survivor of all that I have lived through.  The first attempt to join the group did not go well.  I got a call while at work about joining the group and when I tried 3 times I did not get a confirmation that the group would meet as there were enough people interested in the group.  I did not want to drive the 40 minutes each way just in case.  Now I can not drive as my car needs repairs and I am investigating the most honest mackanec at the most fair price.  On a better note I did recently get wheels!  I took a cap with my bike in the back to a nearby shop for a few repairs.  I got a front skewer for the tire, got the tires pumped up and purchased a bike lock.  I then biked home the 3.2 miles.  Now I have gone to the nearby store and will soon check out the bike paths nearby.

I am also in the rewrite of letters to the Dr. Phil show who accidentally sent me an email.
This should be interesting.

So....Transitions.  We all go through them.  They can be scary but I always pray for guidance and
most times those prayers are answered.  Try to keep the faith, what ever that is to you.

Peace.

Dark Humor On How I Feel About My Paternal Parent

Copy and Paste this address to view the video.

http://youtu.be/6OkcucXIuVI

A Few Thoughts on Fathers Day

Dear DUD,

I thought of sending you a card to commemorate the 3rd Sunday in June, But there Is No Pedophiles Day! 

Signed, 

Uncounted Survivor

 Never Bite The Hand That Feeds You

.....Unless it's your father,

and he's feeding you his Penis. 

I'm sorry mom, your husband was my pedophile, that would be the 

"in sickness" part of your wedding vows.  

On this day we as survivors can still celebrate by contacting different men we know who are boundary respecting mentors for children and young adults.  There are also some women who go out of their way to provide for and do all the things a man would do if there is no male mentor in their lives.  I applaud all of these wonderful people who are the much needed glue in many lands who help hold us all together to create "Communities". 

I HAVE SAID IT BEFORE, BUT IT NEEDS TO BE REPEATED.  EVERYONE NEEDS TO BE A PART OF SOME COMMUNITY~!  SEEK OUT A PLACE TO BELONG And ADD TO THAT COMMUNITY IN A POSITIVE AND HEALTHY WAY! 



I just looked it up.  I looked up if there was a Mentors Day.  There is.  Mentors day is January 17th.  For me...Fathers day is another Mentors day.  For Fellow Survivors,I hope that you find more peace in redirecting some bad feeling about your father for molesting you to the Mentors in your life who helped you to be as strong as you are.  If you are reading this you have survived.....You are A Survivor.  



You 
  Must 
     Celebrate 

             Being A Survivor! 

Miss America By Day, The Autobiography of Marilyn Van Durber

Her married name is Marilyn Van Durber Alter.  Her book is completely captivating as is she in the videos I have seen on Youtube.

I recently came across the autobiography from Miss Van Durber Alter and bought it from a discount
bookstore.  They did not have it in stock so I ordered it and waited patently.  I was pleasantly surprised to find that the book I bought was an autographed copy.

This book is a God Send.  There are many times I am not able to buy a book so I will go to the library.

Whatever state you live in, once you get a library card you can access Any Book In Your State from the library.  If you can not afford to buy this book.....I Urge you to go to the library and Get IT!

If you need to reserve this book and have it sent to where ever you are I Suggest you do this Today!

Captivating.......Riveting.........Healing!

If you investigate this Woman's Story.....you will come across rave review after rave review of this Lovely, Courageous Lady!

God Bless Marilyn Van Durber Alter....and her Wonderfully Supportive Husband Larry and the rest of her Family!

The Selfish Act of Choosing as Much as I Have

As a Gnostic Christian I believe I have chosen all that I have and am experiencing.  That being said I have been thinking how selfish I have been with all I chose.   Let me explain.  I believe I chose a great deal because I have memories of  the other side and my observing this planet I believe there are a great many aspects of humanity that move at a  s n a l e s  p a c e.   I chose a great deal.  There were many souls on the other side who tried to talk me out of taking on so much in this incarnation but I forged ahead.  Because of this there were some aspects of this life that were made more difficult.  Some of the details of my life will not be made public at this time as some aspects are really too shocking and need to be done with the utmost care and professional supervision.

One thing I did not take into complete consideration is how emotionally this would effect others.

I was given permission from my father/molester to speak about his abuses when he told me to "speak up" and "have some self respect" during a period of my life where because of the sexual molestation I could not speak in more than a whisper.  In turn he has played the hurt parent "for no apparent reason" who cried for weeks and I am blamed for all his pain.  I also am blamed for breaking my mothers heart.

That is of course a very hurtful thing to live with.  I always think of the saying, "To live is to learn, to die is to know".   I believe it is an Eastern Asian Philosophy.  I Love the Message and believe it.   At this point I do not believe it will be possible to speak with my parents.  There is too much of my life I would be forced to deny and I can not pretend I had any semblance of a relationship with my parents or my siblings.  I do have and will continue to have some relationship with my cousins and Aunts and Uncles.  I have sent out dozens of letters and emails to many relatives on the paternal side of my relation and I have received three responses.  A cousin on my mothers side wrote and told me how proud she was of me.  An uncle, my mothers brother wrote and said "I hope this is healing for you."
An aunt, my fathers sister, a former Catholic Nun, wrote and ignored the entire letter writing of only.........Sunshine, lollypops and Rainbows Everywhere..........!

I am always reminded of the unwritten motto of the Catholics.....

Deny Everything, Admit Nothing!


Getting back to the original message........I am mostly sad about how deeply my mother has been hurt.
I know what it is to experience a broken heart as it happened to me when I was 17 years old....or there about...........I was in my parents kitchen with my mother and the lower left part of my heart felt as if it were shifting....the the left..........it locked into place and there was a sharp jolt of pain.  I had experienced a broken heart.  I was not around when my mother experienced her broken heart, I only know that it was attributed to me.  I had heart pains my whole life and it was attributed to a mental impairment.  My mother has heart pains and I am the fault.  "Oh for pity sake" is what I heard"  as a young child when I had survived a near death experience after gang rape.  I know if/when they know the truth  they would/ will be mortified.

I have told a version of the following related story.....my apologies for those who have seen this before.

I have a friend who became pregnant in her junior year in high school.  Being Catholic, she did not believe in abortion.  She gave the child up for adoption.  She did write a long letter to the infant who would get the letter when he was 18 years old.  With that letter would be a way to connect with his berth mother, my friend.  When that time came she was hurt as he decided to not respond.

How horrible it was for my mother to experience a broken heart.  I think back and so many times she was the only one who really stood by me during it all.   How horrible it was for me to have a broken heart as a young teenager as I rarely felt love while living with the people who were trying to give you love.  All accept my father who is a Gemini and always lived a double life.

To live is to learn, to die is to know.

I do feel sad that my mother has been hurt but in a spiritual sense I believe that my father will some day be accountable for is actions.   If not on this plain, on the other side.

If I do not reconnect with my mother before her passing, I pray it is a peaceful crossing over.

Regaining Your Humanity/ Not Unlike Escape from The Borg

I have always enjoyed Star Trek Voyager.  I have recently been watching many of the reruns.   The most recent episode I watched was about the Borg children who join the Voyager cast.  They begin to regain their humanity.   I felt a very real connection to them.  From what I have read there is a high percentage of people who begin to remember their molestations in their early to mid twenties.  That is not always the case but that is what happened with me.  I believe that when I first began remembering all the molestation, that was the beginning of this long hard journey back to my own humanity.  With anyone in this sic-fi series when you leave the collective of the Borg there are some metal implants in the body you cannot extract.  Much in the same way that there are always going to be verbal implants in your head, there will be the emotional, spiritual and sometimes physical scars that you must address on a daily basis.

There is  shock at the beginning.  Hopefully if you have experienced this that you had some support.
I personally have received support from less than one percent of my family.  Oh well.  Move on.
I have had support from friends.  As you move forward  you must reintegrate yourself into society and begin to build bonds and friendships.  You must find the keys that work for you to regain yourself and your spirituality.

Search what works for you.  There may be many steps but pick and choose the best route that works for you.