Fathers Day/ Pedophiles Day?

Being a survivor of child sexual abuse from many sources I have very mixed emotions regarding Fathers Day. When I first began having memories at age 27 I felt it important to celebrate the day in some form, so what I decided to do was make some calls and
wish specific men a "Happy Fathers Day". These specific men were not fathers in the bioligical sense of the word but were substancial and very learned men who were mentors to many younger children. A friend of mine was a lawyer who specifically donated time to a community group to give leagal advice. He also had some neices and nephews who he mentored. There were also a few friends who were teachers. One gave many talks in schools about social issues and the other was a teacher and lover of the yo-yo so he taught the yo-yo after school and was a mentor to a great many young people. All of these men were very loved and respected and while I had personal problems I felt it nice to honor amazing men who were a kind of suragate fathers. They gave good sound fatherly advice and genuinely cared when sometimes the biological father just did not have the skills to reach their own child.

When I think of my own situation I immediately think of "phedophiles day". That is nothing to celebrate. I recently wrote to a cousin I reconnected with on facebook to ask him if he would tell me of he and his fathers trouble relationship before his father died. That was 2 months ago and he has not responded. I believe my cousin may have been molested as well. It affects each person differntly and depending on if you are gay, bi or straight it leads to different complications in life. My cousin is married.
One of the last times I saw him was many years ago and I bought him a drink at a bar when I ran into him. He told me he was cutting back on drinking but still did consume that drink. On facebook he informed me he was married. I think it is his 2nd wife. I think he has a child from the first woman he was with. I am not entirely clear on any of his curcumstances. I have the feeling he kind of "sold out" on the "It didn't happen thing" that so many families impose on survivors of child sexual abuse. The kind of thing were a person is told they will be disowned or left out of wills if they speak of any of there supposed past. The
molested person is subjected to a lot of work and self denial and loss of self in the process. I do not feel you can fully heal without really opening up at least to yourself and others in your own family where the molestation may still be happening. I have no right to judge my cousin and wish him no ill will, it's just that as I continue on my own journey of exploration and healing both with in myself and with trying to reach my own birth family it is just another road block for me. I really do not believe that there will ever be any open honest discussions about child sexual abuse. What will happen is it may be in the next generation but that is sad because that means that the sexual abuse is continuing even as I type this out.

Even if you are not a survivor of child sexual abuse try to think of a few men you feel are contributing to the well being of young
people and are surragate fathers who you can call and wish them a "Happy Fathers Day". It will brighten their day and make you feel good at the same time! This kind of action brings about a healing.

Happy Fathers Day!

Girl 27 / What Number Was I And How Many More Will Be Counted?

In 1937, Patricia Douglas, a straight-laced, 17-year-old studio dancer was sent by a casting agent to what she thought was a film call. She ended up at a MGM Studios sales convention "stag" party where she was manhandled and eventually raped and beaten by an out-of-town salesman.

When she tried to seek justice, she got screwed again - this time by everyone from top MGM brass, the district attorney, the press, and key witnesses to her doctor, lawyer and own mother. The emotional ripple effect of that crime has been felt by three generations to-date.

Flash forward 65 years to Hollywood historian, author and filmmaker David Stenn's discovery of Douglas' story in old newspapers while researching a Jean Harlow biography and pursuing the truth, much to the chagrin of Douglas who gave up hoping for justice long ago.

GIRL 27 is not only a documentary about a powerful studio scandal and cover-up, it's also the story of how an 85-year-old woman overcomes decades of pain, fear and disappointment to learn to trust someone again when they say "I want to help you find justice, vindication, peace." As such, I liked that the film shows the development of Stenn and Douglas' friendship and the emotional bond they formed.

The most compelling part of the film is Douglas' on-camera recollections, speaking about the rape for the first time ever. (She was never interviewed for any of the exploitative newspaper articles of the day.) This is a woman who needed to feel, and did ultimately feel, heard and understood.

There's lot to love about this film besides the courage and heroic beauty of Patricia Douglas. Vintage film clips showing how violence against women was treated by Hollywood at the time, interviews with family members of key players in the story and insights provided by experts such as actress Diana Carey (herself a victim of studio system sexual harassment), author Judy Lewis (the daughter of Clark Gable and Loretta Young, and victim of a Hollywood scandal cover-up), attorney Michael Taitelman and legal analyst Greta Van Susteren.

I'd highly recommend viewing the DVD while listening to Stenn's audio commentary track. He provides lots of relevant insights and additional facts pertaining to the case and Hollywood history, as well as background tid-bits on the making of the documentary. I thought it was one of the more compelling commentary tracks I've heard in years.

This movie review was from Lisa Burks.

It is an amazing true story of a very brave young girl who was brutally raped. It vastly effected her entire life and altered her direction greatly. I recommend you watch this movie and think about how many life stories are not told. (The movie is available to watch online.) Think about the children and young adults who are molested and raped and never heard about. Many lives who's paths are altered. Many who turn to drugs and prostitution. Many who have severe depression and those who commit suicide not due to the molestation they live through but because they can't face the rejection and non support from their own family's. What number was I and how many more peoples lives will be numbered or more importantly, how many more childrend will not be counted when they are molested? We need to ban together as a family and pull open the curtains and stop hiding the people who are largely left to continue their sexual deviance towards children and young adults. The title "Girl 27" refers to Patricia Douglas as she was the 27Th girl on the list of many girls called to this "MGM Barn" under the pretext of a movie call. I am posting some statistics form a wonderful website "Darkness to Light".

The statistics are shocking

* 1 in 4 girls is sexually abused before the age of 18.
* 1 in 6 boys is sexually abused before the age of 18.
* 1 in 5 children are solicited sexually while on the internet.
* Nearly 70% of all reported sexual assaults (including assaults on adults) occur to children ages 17 and under.
* An estimated 39 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse exist in America today.

Even within the walls of their own homes, children are at risk for sexual abuse

* 30-40% of victims are abused by a family member.
* Another 50% are abused by someone outside of the family whom they know and trust.
* Approximately 40% are abused by older or larger children whom they know.
* Therefore, only 10% are abused by strangers.

Sexual abuse can occur at all ages, probably younger than you think

* The median age for reported abuse is 9 years old.
* More than 20% of children are sexually abused before the age of 8.
* Nearly 50% of all victims of forcible sodomy, sexual assault with an object, and forcible fondling are children under 12.

Watch"Girl 27" and make the decision to get involved and NOT HIDE anyone you know has or suspect has molested or raped a young person. If you have been told by a neice or nephew or other relative that a family member has molested them, take the time and steps to investigate and not just brush them away. The worst thing you can do is NOTHING. It only reoffends the survivor of sexual abuse and allows more molestation to coninue. DON'T LET THIS BE A PART OF YOUR FAMILY LEGACY, IT IS NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF!

Awareness Walks and Getting to the Root of Child Sexual Abuse

Awareness walks have been around for a great many years. Everywhere you turn you see them. One of the most recognized is of breast cancer awareness walks. They have the pink shirts and pink ribbons. They have testimonials of how many years they have survived. They have a huge following of family and friends who support them and walk with them and when they die they have many who walk in their honor and raise money for more research and to help pay bills of the women who are dealing with breast cancer at the present time. I am very happy for their support of each other. It is wonderful to see the care and support those mostly women and some men are getting. I recently saw one of those many commercials for a breast cancer walk and wondered what it would be like if there was such an outpouring of support for this very prevalent epidemic of child sexual abuse. I am 47 years old and I would have a shirt on it that read I was a survivor for 47 years! My own personal journey of a survivor started when I was only months old! The many different types of walks all began in different ways. For instance I know that it took many years for any kind of walks dealing with any kind of cancer. There was a tremendous stigma about cancer and many people thought they could contract it by just being near a person with cancer. There was not support back then as they have today. For years there was a huge fear about A.I.D.S. and again it took years to get people educated about it and the ways you can contract H.I.V. which can lead to A.I.D.S. There are many walks and they all start with a few that lead into the many. Many of the walks are faced with protesters. Many walks evolve in many different ways. Some of the first gay pride marches had people dressed in suites and ties. The women, lesbian or not were in dresses. The gay pride marches and pride fests in some places were places to vent and were sometimes laced with a great deal of hate to heterosexuals. Now the gay pride parades have very few protesters and a great many families join in the Gay Pride Fest. I know that there are some awareness groups about child sexual abuse and I believe there are some gatherings that may take the form of awareness walks but it seems to me that they are in their infancy.

To have the kind of walks that will draw the attention to the epidemic of child sexual abuse there needs to be a great deal more awareness and a great deal more education. A great deal more education and a great deal less silence and hiding the people that molest children. Families, meaning all your relatives and not just extended families you create when your own relatives turn their backs on the survivors, need to band together and address this as a united group. There will be tears and pain at first but that's the only way to get to the root of the cancer that will grow in a relation if the cancer of child sexual abuse is not addressed directly. Who will walk with the survivors?

Acknowledging Your Child Was Sexually Molested Does Not Equal Failure As A Parent

Many parents believe that acknowledging their child has been sexually molested equals failure as a parent. Turning your back on your child after he or she has been molested is really more a failure especially if one of the parents is the molester. If one of the parents is the molester it is a great deal of work trying to figure out where your relationship lays with your spouse and your child or children. What does that make your marriage and has your whole life as a loving wife and mother been a complete sham? Often times as in my case my female parent is forced to choose is she more a mother or more a wife. In my case it turns out, and I believe this is the majority of the times when the female parent was more a wife. Many people in my relation have tried to convince me that child sexual abuse was just not a part of my life. In other words, I have some kind of mental impairment.
I have agreed to go through any kind of psychological testing to show that I was in fact a survivor of sexual abuse. Throughout the years I have asked my parents to join in with me on chats with what ever current therapist I was seeing at the time. They always declined saying, "We don't need to see a therapist. If it is helping you to not live in the past then we are glad for that.
Just for the fact I was seeing a therapist showed to them that I did and do have some kind of mental impairment and that is I am sure what they repeat to my relation when and if anyone would ask about me. I have no way of confirming that because with any form of communication I try with relatives fails as I never hear back from them. It's like the old saying....The bad news is I never hear from them but the good news is I never hear from them!

I wonder if we can look at the molesting of a child the same way we look at the story we have all heard as children. The story I speak of is how we should never touch a small wild animal or disturb a birds nest. If a small wild animal is touched, other animals will smell that scent and the animal will be rejected. The same is true if you disturb a birds nest. When someone touches a child they will act differently, especially if the molester is living in the house as well. When you disturb your own nest you create a great deal of turmoil. I was not a joy to live with as an infant and child. The molesting was happening a great deal especially when I was small. Remember, even when a child is sleeping they still have the seance of smell and each person has distinct smells even when you wear a fragrance. Children also have body memories if molestation happens in their sleep. In some capacity a child WILL remember. I believe when that children's story is told it should be extended to age appropriately discuss not touching or disturbing human babies. We should all be taught from an early age to not disturb any ones nest or living space.

Child Porn/ Inaction Leads to More Illegal Actions and More Sexual Abuse

When my father involved me in child porn it was somewhere around 1965. I clearly remember my father speaking with the photographer before our "photo shoot" and the photographer was saying that there would be no touching. After a short talk between my birth father and the photographer my birth father left. I did ask my father in a letter where he went and what he was doing. I suspect he was involved in something sexual with someone in the building but that is only speculation. This was in the basement of a professional building in the down town of where I grew up. There were at least 15-20 children in the basement all nude and playing with different sized kicker balls. The photographer was standing behind a camera on a tripod and there was some kind of black cloth to cover his face like an old camera would have but in this case I believe it was there so no one would be able to recognize him. The town I grew up in has usually had a population around 12,000-13,000 people. If you have read my previous post of my memory of child sexual abuse you know I did not stick around long. I knew this was not right and I was not going to have any part of it. I was going to spend some quality time with my father as this was our time together! I am not even sure how many photos he took of me. I would say there are not many but I did for a short time play with the balls and toss them to other little nude children as instructed. After a short time I gathered up my clothes and walked out the door. I went to the right and walked down the hall to windowed door at the end of the hall and went outside. I sat nude on the single step at the back door with my clothes folded on my lap. There was a small hedge on either side of the door and I could hear the traffic to my right from a busy one way road. I was not there long before my father came out the back door in a hurried panic and asked me if anyone had touched me. I gave him an honest no response. He took me and my clothes to the side of the building away from traffic and dressed me. I was happy that we were now going to have our time together! No so. We left and went right home. He was very angry with me. Keep in mind that this was around 1965. I do not know if there is a way to track down the child porn that did happen that day. I did email the police in my home town to ask if they had any cases of child porn that were older. I do not remember much about the room itself but I do remember large rectangle windows near the top of the walls. They had metal frames. I believe they surrounded the room.

When I was 18 and experimenting with my sexuality I did meet one man who had a house along a river in a nearby college town. He showed me some child porn. I did not look at it for very long and when he noticed my discomfort he took the photos away from me and put them in a top drawer and closed it. I do not think they were from my memories of the basement. All I remember of the photos were naked children and panelled walls. That was in 1981.

I came across some statistics of child porn from an article in a local news paper about a lawyer seeking out and prosecuting people who download and distribute child porn. These are the statistics.

* Size of the online child-porn industry: Multi billions of dollars

* Increase in the number of images online from 1997 to 2003: 1,500 percent

* Number of reports of child pornography from 1998 through April 2009: 594,000

* Number of children whose abuse has been recorded by pornographers in the U.S. alone: More than 1 million

* The vast majority of child-pornography crimes are never prosecuted.

* Quote from a child-pornography victim: "When I was a little girl, and when I was being photographed and raped, I used to try to send messages with my eyes down the lens and hoped that one day a good person might see and come to help us."


I have no idea if there in a continuation of child porn in my home town but I would venture to say given the statistics that there is. There is nothing set up in my small home town as far as an organization to address child sexual abuse. In the college town nearby they do have some programs. I believe if an abuse is not addressed that it will grow. I did recently cut and past my original posting of my memories of child pornography and sent them by email to the small town where I grew up and suggested that they get something in place. I suggested they get in touch with the people in the college town to get assistance. I further suggested they involve some people from a bigger city who have more experience. The email I sent was unanswered.

I sent by email to my families Matriarch a copy of an article about a man who was recently convicted of raping and murdering two young teenagers. In my email I urged her to reconsider her stance about her continued silence of the sexual abuse that I know was a part of my infancy and childhood and the possibility of it continuing with my father. I told her in my email that her inaction leads to more action of a sexually abusive way to more children. I did not receive a response from that email.

The Matriarch in my family was a teacher and former religious! People in all walks of life can choose ignorance. It is more sad when a person of this back round makes this choice. She did tell me in an email that most of her childhood was blocked out. I have no doubt that this family legacy will continue.

Remember.....Inaction will lead to more child sexual abuse.

A Response from A Doctor of Psychology

Thank you for contacting me and for the comments about our site!



I visited your blog! I think it is very helpful! Only tips I would recommend (many survivors contact me with how they would like to help in the fight to reduce/eliminate sexual abuse) is to develop a core outline, with just a few main goals, for your efforts...this way it stays clear and precise, and it helps to enlist professionals and others and for them to see what the goals are...on occasions, some of the survivors I work with still have a lot of pain and anger toward the offender, and family members..and even though they really want to help agencies/public/people, their pain serves as a major distraction



For example, if a survivor had a main goal of reducing child sexual abuse...then developed a few good objectives....maybe a pilot type program in the school system...where all kids would be "screened" for sexual abuse during 3rd grade, 6th grade, and 10th grade....but in a non evasive fashion (so it doesn't upset parents)......and if the person worked on implemented such a program....or awareness...or holding the non offending parents accountable as well..or public speaking!



Keep up the great work!!!


This is an email I received from a Doctor in Psychology I wrote to and asked if he would take a look at my blog and respond with any advice. He was kind to respond. I am not including his name as I have not asked if I could do so.

While I love the advice he gave I am frustrated (as usual) that there is not a set way to go even beyond his advice. What about stopping the abuse before it starts? The suggestion is to set up "screenings" in a non evasive fashion as to not upset the parents. What if one of the parents is the problem? What if the wife is one of the many who would never believe that her husband would ever touch their child in a sexual way? While screening is a great idea, for me it seems like that is too late. It is not too late to stop what may be happening but it is too late to stop abuse from even starting.

I have often thought that there should be a human sexuality class that teaches us about our bodies and even our sexuality. I do not know exactly when that class should be in place but I would suggest it be starting around 6th grade. It would be a class that explain the body changes that we all go through but it would also approach the attractions we begin to have. There should be a clear explanation as to the different sexualities that there are. Heterosexuality, bisexuality, homosexuality transgender and all the lesser known sexualities that exist. When students get to 7th or 8th grade there should also be a chapter discussing attractions to younger people and talk about the statistics of the percentages of child molesters. There should be but there is not. I think my next step is to set up meetings with human sexuality teachers.


Anger is a Distraction.

I am told from this Doctor of Psychology that my anger is a distraction. I can not argue with that. How does one address child sexual abuse without anger? Are we not showing our sanity by showing anger? When we ask basic questions to the people who profess to be addressing child sexual abuse and there are seemingly no answers given, does that not provoke anger? I do not know how to walk on egg shells to ask the questions that need to be answered. I do not know how to do that and I do not know how others do it.

When I ask questions that are not answered it is frustrating and I get angry. When I look to the U.S. Government website about child sexual abuse it shows statistics but not much more and when I read to the bottom of the page it states that the site is inactive and is no longer updated. This should make anyone who is interested in addressing child sexual abuse angry. How do we harness that anger and be proactive and really make a difference in bringing the numbers of children molested down and finally bring an end to child sexual abuse? I do not have the answers.....and apparently the people I have contacted do not know either.

We Need to Diagnose Where we are in Addressing Child Sexual Abuse.

I keep getting emails from RAINN. (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) The last email was proclaiming that giving a donation was a perfect gift to give in your mothers name! I did write back and thanked them in a sarcastic way saying...For Mom? Great! That's the person who married my pedophile! The perfect gift for me is to just have you answer my many emails to you! I have written them many times and have yet to reach anyone who can or is willing to give me concrete answers to basic straightforward questions. For me it is all about the solutions. I have also encouraged the people of RAINN that there should be a forum on their site to brainstorm with all people concerned about how to actually address the issues about child sexual abuse and bring the numbers down! I would love to give my advise as to how this can be done but how can I do that when I do not know what is being done right now? It's like if someone in that organization went to a mechanic, drove up, got out of their car and told them to "fix it" without looking under the hood! The mechanic gets no explanation as to what the car sounds like or if the car "pulls" to one side or the other. The driver just says, "fix it". I don't care how experienced that mechanic is......he or she will never get the job done. So where does that leave me or anyone interested in addressing this issue? It leaves us in the dark. I really do wonder why my emails are not answered. I have asked these people from many organizations very nicely if they could have an open communication with me as to brainstorm about the issues and I get very little back. Once I reach out to many of these organizations I get emails saying I should send them money to them to help in the fight! Well.....does anyone who sends them money get an explanation as to where that money is being used? Do they find out then what the process is as to how they are addressing this issue? I think that is the next step. I will send them an email and tell them I will send them money if they can explain what exactly they do to address the issue and how they approach pedophiles. Is there a set way to deal with the issue or is it all just guess work? How has the process changed over the years and if those processes have not worked are you continuing them or are you trying anything else? We need to diagnose before we proceed in addressing child sexual abuse.