I have been to many therapists throughout the years. Some have been better than others. You really have to kind of "shop around" to find out who is the best fit for yourself. One therapist that I went to through "Family & Children's Services" a few years ago was one of the best for me. He has since gone into private practice so that is no longer an option for me. I sometimes have little flashes of details of my past molestations. It is sometimes triggered by something and sometimes they just come to mind.
A few of those past memories that I did not include in the post about the history of my personal sexually abusive history have resurfaces recently. One of the memories happened right after my mother and I went to church. There were restrooms just to the side of the church in a nearby building. I remember I needed to use the rest room but the light in the men's room was burned out (or I believe the light bulb was just unscrewed) An elderly man was standing outside the restroom and he volunteered to help me. I am sure my mother thought "what a kind man". I was at an age when I was just starting to go to the rest room by myself but in this case since there was no light I got some help. I remember him picking me up and having me stand on the sink. He took my pants down and fondled me. At the same time he held a hand over my mouth as I was trying to protest what he was doing. He felt me up in the front up to my chest and I think we were there just as long as it would seen to use the restroom. Then he put my clothes back on and returned me "safely" to my mother. As usual once the molestation was over I buried it in my subconscious and began the two block walk back home with my mother. About half way home she noticed I had urinated in my pants. Another memory was of my father sitting on the toilet and masterbating. I do not remember my age when this happened but I know it was later than this other memory I just wrote about. The four claw bath tub was right in front of the toilet in corner of the bathroom. I think I was not always in the tub by myself. My brother was there sometimes as well. When ever anyone need to take a bath it was customary to ask if anyone needed to use the toilet before the bath began. It happened very frequantly that my father need to use the toilet when it was in the middle of our bath. He sometimes stunk up the place but many times he just sat with a towel over his lap and while I did not know what he was doing with his hands under that towel, I know now that he was masterbating. During these times he did not stink up the bathroom. I think he most likely tried to stink up the bathroom so my mother would not suspect anything else was happening.
I was chatting with my past therapist about the first memory saying it was no big deal as not much happened during that insodent (compared with most) but he told me that every memory was important and I should not just brush it off.
I have continued to try to reach out to [relatives] about this legacy non will speak of or acknowelge. An aunt of mine, the former religious, has told me she has blocked out much of her childhood. I have asked her if she would Skype with me when I went to my next therapist session. I explained to her that I am only looking out for the families best health and welfare. I have not recieved an answer as yet. I am NOT holding my breath. I suggested that she might even be able to deal with some of her suppressed memories. I think that "rose colored glassed" is the route she will choose.
I just finished the gripping yet disturbing book, "Because I Love You" written by Joyce Allan. I do recommend the book to anyone interested in this brave womans journey. Everyone deals with their own story differently. Joyce Allan was still blocking out actions well past the time she had children. Not remembering allowing her children visits to her father in Colorado when she would be in Maryland. Her family history spans five generations. I do not know how long my own family legacy will span, but I suspect it is continuing as I type this. I recently was emailing my younger sister trying to get some informaiton and I guess using some pressure to get that information. She responded with an OMG I feel I am back in High School! I gave her an OMG right back and pointed out her missunderstanding of the situation. I also pointed out that I do not know the ages of her two children but that most people begin to remember child sexual abuse around their mid to last twenties. I told her I woud be there for her during that time if they did happen to be part of this legacy. Maybe there were just viewings in the bathtub and my father suppressed his desires for any kind of touching with them. Only time will tell.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Some Organizations May Not Want Pedophiles to Go Away.
This is a letter I wrote to ****, I strongly feel there needs to be a cohesive network for all concerned to address this issue together.
Dear ****,
I am one of the millions of survivors of child sexual abuse and am trying to work to bring the numbers down and possibly brainstorm with others who are working to do the same thing. I have been involved with over 1,200 talks about GLBT issues and many of those talks have delved into the issues of sexual abuse as well. Many of the organizations I have reached out to have been eager for me to speak publicly with their organization but after the many years I have been speaking (as a volunteer) I do not have the time or energy as I am trying just make ends meet (just the same as many people.)
I have recently been speaking with a friend about the frustrations surrounding my inability to find a way to have an open forum not associated with something that will be very public such as facebook as none of us need to face any more rejection or abandonment than we have faced before both from family or friends who just do not believe that anything happened at all. I am sure that no one who is raped or molested wants to hear, "Just get over it!" any more. I have heard this many times over the years and it is not something one "just gets over!" The friend I have been speaking with tells me that no one is going to listen to anyone who does not have a degree. That is difficult to listen to as the cycle of molestation that many of us have endured does not coincide with a great deal of education because when the abuse is happening at such a young age many children have a great deal of trouble just focusing on basic school lessons and basic social education as well. What strikes me is that I am reading a book that was written by a woman about child sexual abuse who has a degree in psychology but in the same breath she allowed her own father to molest her children. It all seems very crazy to me.
I contacted both of my sisters the moment I began having memories of child sexual abuse and warned them not to allow our father to baby sit them alone. I was not listened to and was labeled someone with mental problems. I have recently emailed my younger sister and told her the average age when a person remembers sexual abuse is the early to mid twenties. At that time I will be there for them if they want me to be.
I guess the questions are: How do the survivors make a difference when they are from what I have seen, not involved in the process? Who are the people making the decisions as to the proper way to address this issue? How do we bridge that gap and let all concerned join in the process together? If you do not have a forum where this gap can be bridged can you please tell me where that forum could be that is not open to the general public so as not to have more people criticize and abandon any more than we have been abandoned in the past?
*It is difficult to believe that some may not want the issue of Child Sexual Abuse to Go Away but I believe this may be the case with some organizations I have tried to communicate with. Why you may ask does an organization want child sexual abuse to continue you may ask. Some organizations are able to line their pockets with lots of money as a result of child sexual abuse. Such is the case with some organizations that make a great deal of money when it comes to HIV and AIDS. While donating a percentage to the good cause they are associated with and getting some well meaning celebrities to plead with the general public to send much needed funds they ultimately seem to rake it in.
I have broken off ties with an organization that gets people in touch with therapists and promotes education for people who are survivors of child sexual abuse. They do not claim to be trying to get to the solution to the issue of child sexual abuse and they, from what I can tell do not answer emails from people who like myself ARE trying to get to the solution to the core issue.
I encourage people to support what ever organization they can afford to support but if you do not hear from an organization accept for them asking for money....I would think clearly where you wish to send your hard earned cash. Best of luck to the organization I tried to communicate with.
Dear ****,
I am one of the millions of survivors of child sexual abuse and am trying to work to bring the numbers down and possibly brainstorm with others who are working to do the same thing. I have been involved with over 1,200 talks about GLBT issues and many of those talks have delved into the issues of sexual abuse as well. Many of the organizations I have reached out to have been eager for me to speak publicly with their organization but after the many years I have been speaking (as a volunteer) I do not have the time or energy as I am trying just make ends meet (just the same as many people.)
I have recently been speaking with a friend about the frustrations surrounding my inability to find a way to have an open forum not associated with something that will be very public such as facebook as none of us need to face any more rejection or abandonment than we have faced before both from family or friends who just do not believe that anything happened at all. I am sure that no one who is raped or molested wants to hear, "Just get over it!" any more. I have heard this many times over the years and it is not something one "just gets over!" The friend I have been speaking with tells me that no one is going to listen to anyone who does not have a degree. That is difficult to listen to as the cycle of molestation that many of us have endured does not coincide with a great deal of education because when the abuse is happening at such a young age many children have a great deal of trouble just focusing on basic school lessons and basic social education as well. What strikes me is that I am reading a book that was written by a woman about child sexual abuse who has a degree in psychology but in the same breath she allowed her own father to molest her children. It all seems very crazy to me.
I contacted both of my sisters the moment I began having memories of child sexual abuse and warned them not to allow our father to baby sit them alone. I was not listened to and was labeled someone with mental problems. I have recently emailed my younger sister and told her the average age when a person remembers sexual abuse is the early to mid twenties. At that time I will be there for them if they want me to be.
I guess the questions are: How do the survivors make a difference when they are from what I have seen, not involved in the process? Who are the people making the decisions as to the proper way to address this issue? How do we bridge that gap and let all concerned join in the process together? If you do not have a forum where this gap can be bridged can you please tell me where that forum could be that is not open to the general public so as not to have more people criticize and abandon any more than we have been abandoned in the past?
*It is difficult to believe that some may not want the issue of Child Sexual Abuse to Go Away but I believe this may be the case with some organizations I have tried to communicate with. Why you may ask does an organization want child sexual abuse to continue you may ask. Some organizations are able to line their pockets with lots of money as a result of child sexual abuse. Such is the case with some organizations that make a great deal of money when it comes to HIV and AIDS. While donating a percentage to the good cause they are associated with and getting some well meaning celebrities to plead with the general public to send much needed funds they ultimately seem to rake it in.
I have broken off ties with an organization that gets people in touch with therapists and promotes education for people who are survivors of child sexual abuse. They do not claim to be trying to get to the solution to the issue of child sexual abuse and they, from what I can tell do not answer emails from people who like myself ARE trying to get to the solution to the core issue.
I encourage people to support what ever organization they can afford to support but if you do not hear from an organization accept for them asking for money....I would think clearly where you wish to send your hard earned cash. Best of luck to the organization I tried to communicate with.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Even Oprah Winfrey's family does not believe she was molested. (so says Kitty Kelly)
Who knows if what you read from Kitty Kelly is true. From what I know of her and her books (non of which I have read) her books are referred to as "Kitty Litter". There was an article I read in the USA Today news paper that said that the majority of Oprah Winfrey's own family do not believe that she was molested. I would love to interview Ms. Winfrey. While she has spoken about her abuse I would like to find out what her relation is with her family and how she deals with their not believing.
I have been on the Oprah Winfrey website today reading about her ongoing quest to address child sexual abuse and I again applaud her and Lisa Ling for the work they do. Lisa Ling has real guts to speak with the worst of the worst offenders.
A few of the quotes from the offenders really hit home with me.
Who are the most vulnerable victims? Laura says it's the children who aren't getting the love and attention they need at home.
(Laura is the only female on the island off the coast of Washington State [where the worst of the worst child sexual offenders are housed].
"[For] a lot of us, I guess, [the abuse] happened when we were younger, 8 or 9 years old. ... You really don't have much in your life at that age but your family, and for some people, a relationship with God," he says. "When something like that does happen, and it's a family member, you pretty much shatter that duality of the comfort of your family and your spirituality."
These two people are saying in different words what I have said already. The children who are not getting love and affection at home are the most vulnerable. An offender can zero in on that right away. When you are in an unsafe place where molestation has occurred that love will NEVER reach you. Even if you are getting attention from someone in the family, say your mother, in my case I never really trusted that love. I always felt I got attention just because that is what she was supposed to do and so I never trusted that I was worthy of love and attention.
The second quote says it clearly. When there is sexual abuse, the abuser Shatters the comfort and safety of the child.
My last post speaks of when the relationships of children and parents turn. My parents are now in their early 70's and there is certainly no hope of ever really trying to speak with them about the abuse that did happen in my "childless" house where I grew older. I find it difficult to say it was my childhood home as I really did not have a childhood, and I never really grew up there....more so I grew older. I lacked the social education and had to fend for myself by getting involved with extra curricular activities at school.
I have not spoken with many in my family about child sexual abuse. I did write a letter to all the aunts and uncles on my mothers side of the family and stated that there is a history of child sexual abuse on my fathers side of the family and non of them have ever spoken with me since. There are a few other reasons they will not speak with me and that includes my sexual orientation and because I changed my name. I have recently been emailing my younger sister who always had a very close relationship with my birth father. I told her that I knew I would never be able to convince her that I was ever sexually molested by my birth father and that was fine. Thinking back I don't think that it is fine. I did mention in my email that most people will remember their sexual abuse at around 25-28 years old. I am not sure how old my nieces and nephews are but I think she got what I was getting at to at least be somewhat prepared and not surprised to hear any one of them come forward to tell their own experiences of molestation. I did warn my sisters about allowing my birth father to baby sit their children many years ago when I was 27 when my first traumatic memories began to surface. I am not sure if they ever listened to my words.
Time will tell if he still had the urges with his grand children.
I have been on the Oprah Winfrey website today reading about her ongoing quest to address child sexual abuse and I again applaud her and Lisa Ling for the work they do. Lisa Ling has real guts to speak with the worst of the worst offenders.
A few of the quotes from the offenders really hit home with me.
Who are the most vulnerable victims? Laura says it's the children who aren't getting the love and attention they need at home.
(Laura is the only female on the island off the coast of Washington State [where the worst of the worst child sexual offenders are housed].
"[For] a lot of us, I guess, [the abuse] happened when we were younger, 8 or 9 years old. ... You really don't have much in your life at that age but your family, and for some people, a relationship with God," he says. "When something like that does happen, and it's a family member, you pretty much shatter that duality of the comfort of your family and your spirituality."
These two people are saying in different words what I have said already. The children who are not getting love and affection at home are the most vulnerable. An offender can zero in on that right away. When you are in an unsafe place where molestation has occurred that love will NEVER reach you. Even if you are getting attention from someone in the family, say your mother, in my case I never really trusted that love. I always felt I got attention just because that is what she was supposed to do and so I never trusted that I was worthy of love and attention.
The second quote says it clearly. When there is sexual abuse, the abuser Shatters the comfort and safety of the child.
My last post speaks of when the relationships of children and parents turn. My parents are now in their early 70's and there is certainly no hope of ever really trying to speak with them about the abuse that did happen in my "childless" house where I grew older. I find it difficult to say it was my childhood home as I really did not have a childhood, and I never really grew up there....more so I grew older. I lacked the social education and had to fend for myself by getting involved with extra curricular activities at school.
I have not spoken with many in my family about child sexual abuse. I did write a letter to all the aunts and uncles on my mothers side of the family and stated that there is a history of child sexual abuse on my fathers side of the family and non of them have ever spoken with me since. There are a few other reasons they will not speak with me and that includes my sexual orientation and because I changed my name. I have recently been emailing my younger sister who always had a very close relationship with my birth father. I told her that I knew I would never be able to convince her that I was ever sexually molested by my birth father and that was fine. Thinking back I don't think that it is fine. I did mention in my email that most people will remember their sexual abuse at around 25-28 years old. I am not sure how old my nieces and nephews are but I think she got what I was getting at to at least be somewhat prepared and not surprised to hear any one of them come forward to tell their own experiences of molestation. I did warn my sisters about allowing my birth father to baby sit their children many years ago when I was 27 when my first traumatic memories began to surface. I am not sure if they ever listened to my words.
Time will tell if he still had the urges with his grand children.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Speaking with my abuser and his wife
I spoke with my birth father a few days ago and his wife the day after. It is difficult to think of these people as my father and mother. If you have read my blog before you know I do not feel a person who was my pedophile should be given the title of father. I did call him dad during the conversation but that was a struggle. I think I did that because recently he and his wife have had some medical issues and I have some empathy for them. I have called him by his first name on many occasions as I felt that that was the most respectful way to address him without crossing the boundary to bring insult to majority of men who do not molest their children.
For now my birth father is an angry man who has had a stroke and recently broke his arm. He is mad at the world and angry at God. He feels everyone hates him including God! "Has anyone said anything to you to make you believe that they hate you?" was a probing question I had. "No....no one has said anything to make me feel that way." was his response. I pointed out to him my beliefs even though they differ from his Catholic. God is perfect and God does not Hate Anyone! I explained to him that I believe that we ALL choose what we live through and so in fact we can NOT blame God as God does NOT make our choices. We put these things in front of us to learn from. It would be SO EASY to Blame God IF God put these things in front of us! God would not be perfect if he chose many different things for each person. As I have stated before I do remember this. I remember this because of what I chose to live through as an infant and child. I had to remember something when I was growing up in order to survive. That's not to say I am better than anyone else it's just to say I chose more. I guess I felt I needed to experience more for the knowledge I wanted to acquire this time on the earthly plane. I spoke with my birth father for about 45 minutes and said as many encouraging things as I could. There was little to no speaking about what I was going through and I believe there is virtually no chance for myself to resolve anything with this very abusive man I grew up with and survived.
There are people in my life who do not hold the same beliefs as I do but I pay attention to my dreams and have had many premonitory dreams. One dream I had many years ago was of my birth father on his death bed and him saying, "I'm sorry." In the dream I ask what he is sorry for. He will reply that he is, "Just sorry" and he will not elaborate any more than that. From what I have read in Gnostic Teachings the saying, "To err is human, to forgive Devine" is defined and clarified to state we on this earth are human and some things we can not forgive.....so I do not see myself forgiving a man who molested me for years and then tossing me under the bus claiming I had a great deal of mental impairment to even believe he touched me in any inappropriate way.
I have written a few emails to my siblings through face book and one by regular email but it does not look promising that our relationship will get any better. They are near my parents and I am always thought of as "the bad guy" but I did not do these things to myself. What logical way is there to explain my reactions to these people. It appears no matter what I do or say there is no possible way they will meet me half way. I really don't know how many years I wrote and called the matriarch of my paternal fathers family to try to address child sexual abuse but it always seemed to me that what ever "olive branch" I extended was chewed up and spit back in my face. This coming from a former teacher and former religious.
Some things that we try to accomplish will never be resolved until we reach the other side when we go home to be with God and our friends and family. I have read many peoples stories and have seen many people who try their entire lives and never reach their birth families. They cry and feel that the ONLY people who can be their family are their birth family. I would encourage anyone who is in this predicament to seek out alternatives and try to trust others who are willing to be surragate family members. Easier said than done as I am struggleing with this as I type this blog. I have tried for a few years and have so far been welcomed in by maybe five or six people. Five people in one family and another in a differnt town north of where I live. You only drag yourself down if your birth family will not be there for you. You need to at some point just move on. Keep the door open to conversation and some kind of reconnection but don't beat a dead horse "as they say".
For now my birth father is an angry man who has had a stroke and recently broke his arm. He is mad at the world and angry at God. He feels everyone hates him including God! "Has anyone said anything to you to make you believe that they hate you?" was a probing question I had. "No....no one has said anything to make me feel that way." was his response. I pointed out to him my beliefs even though they differ from his Catholic. God is perfect and God does not Hate Anyone! I explained to him that I believe that we ALL choose what we live through and so in fact we can NOT blame God as God does NOT make our choices. We put these things in front of us to learn from. It would be SO EASY to Blame God IF God put these things in front of us! God would not be perfect if he chose many different things for each person. As I have stated before I do remember this. I remember this because of what I chose to live through as an infant and child. I had to remember something when I was growing up in order to survive. That's not to say I am better than anyone else it's just to say I chose more. I guess I felt I needed to experience more for the knowledge I wanted to acquire this time on the earthly plane. I spoke with my birth father for about 45 minutes and said as many encouraging things as I could. There was little to no speaking about what I was going through and I believe there is virtually no chance for myself to resolve anything with this very abusive man I grew up with and survived.
There are people in my life who do not hold the same beliefs as I do but I pay attention to my dreams and have had many premonitory dreams. One dream I had many years ago was of my birth father on his death bed and him saying, "I'm sorry." In the dream I ask what he is sorry for. He will reply that he is, "Just sorry" and he will not elaborate any more than that. From what I have read in Gnostic Teachings the saying, "To err is human, to forgive Devine" is defined and clarified to state we on this earth are human and some things we can not forgive.....so I do not see myself forgiving a man who molested me for years and then tossing me under the bus claiming I had a great deal of mental impairment to even believe he touched me in any inappropriate way.
I have written a few emails to my siblings through face book and one by regular email but it does not look promising that our relationship will get any better. They are near my parents and I am always thought of as "the bad guy" but I did not do these things to myself. What logical way is there to explain my reactions to these people. It appears no matter what I do or say there is no possible way they will meet me half way. I really don't know how many years I wrote and called the matriarch of my paternal fathers family to try to address child sexual abuse but it always seemed to me that what ever "olive branch" I extended was chewed up and spit back in my face. This coming from a former teacher and former religious.
Some things that we try to accomplish will never be resolved until we reach the other side when we go home to be with God and our friends and family. I have read many peoples stories and have seen many people who try their entire lives and never reach their birth families. They cry and feel that the ONLY people who can be their family are their birth family. I would encourage anyone who is in this predicament to seek out alternatives and try to trust others who are willing to be surragate family members. Easier said than done as I am struggleing with this as I type this blog. I have tried for a few years and have so far been welcomed in by maybe five or six people. Five people in one family and another in a differnt town north of where I live. You only drag yourself down if your birth family will not be there for you. You need to at some point just move on. Keep the door open to conversation and some kind of reconnection but don't beat a dead horse "as they say".
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Asking Oprah to do a show about people abandoned because they dare to speak out.
Please do a show about the people who TRY to address child sexual abuse and are abandoned by their families as a result of this. There is a vast number of people that this affects and they are a group of people who are not given a voice in the growing issue of child sexual abuse. People who are given the choice to sweep it all under the rug and are supported by their families are also a group of people who should be a part of the show. PLEASE consider a show like this as I believe this to be a KEY ELEMENT to addressing child sexual abuse and tapping into the Main reason child sexual abuse continues to grow! Reach out to the people who for the most part DO NOT have a voice or choose to be silent to be able to HAVE some semblance OF a family. REACH OUT also to the people who PROTECT the pedophiles and find out WHY!
I have written to the Oprah Winfrey Show before and implore you to Please Consider my words. The epidemic grows each day and I believe we will never catch up to the growth until we ask the questions that need to be asked to the people that are NEVER reached. Thank you.
Here is my blog address.
http://addresschildsexualabuse.blogspot.com/?zx=9eedbf5be3fe551c
If you read my blog......Email Oprah to ask for a show for the abandoned survivors.
I have written to the Oprah Winfrey Show before and implore you to Please Consider my words. The epidemic grows each day and I believe we will never catch up to the growth until we ask the questions that need to be asked to the people that are NEVER reached. Thank you.
Here is my blog address.
http://addresschildsexualabuse.blogspot.com/?zx=9eedbf5be3fe551c
If you read my blog......Email Oprah to ask for a show for the abandoned survivors.
When you cross a boundry, some titles should never be used again.
You are a sexual virgin when you are born. Hopefully when you have your first sexual encounter you are at the adult age to deal with such a monumental act to lose your virginity. So when you "cross that bridge" so to speak you are no longer a virgin.
When you are a father and you cross the boundary to touch your child in a sexual way or place your child in a dangerous place of sexual activity you should no longer be called father, dad, papa or any other name of respect and you no longer should have any reason to celebrate "fathers day". That is what I think. If you deny the acts and every one else believes that a person has accused you without provocation then what happens is systematically the abused is pushed out of the family. When that happens there is continued "bad blood" that grows and grows to the point of no return. No matter what you say or do I do not believe that there is any going back. From what I see there is no way to mend the hurt that has happened.
If there IS a way to mend the hurt....it would be for the person who was sexually abused to come forth and announce very vocally that they were lying or that they have some kind of mental impairment to have suggested such a thing in the first place. I have had panic attacks and have had some incidents of emotional imbalance as a result of the sexual abuse but not the other way around. It is "cause and effect"....not "effect and cause". I would be willing to take any test that anyone in my relation would take, but I know that that is never going to happen. So there I am at a dead end. With my family anyway. It is nothing new to come to a dead end. What do others do? I have no idea but I do have an idea that for the most part most go along with the flow and deny their abuses. It is sad because the only thing that comes of that is the continuation of abuse. If the abuse continues and they (the abusers) feel that they got away with it, somewhere along the line they may slip up and expose themselves but again.....I would believe that the majority of them do not come forward. The cycle can continue even when someone gets caught.
How do we break this cycle? It would be difficult but more people have to come forward. Maybe there could be way for the survivors to come together and brain storm?
I have called my birth mother recently and she could not talk as an aunt had just stopped by. I was calling because both my birth mother and birth father have recently had some medical issues to deal with. I did call a number of times to speak with her during the medical crises and I did write a letter and sent a card during the winter holiday season. I did not hear one word from them at all. If it were any of my siblings who called when my aunt stopped by it would be an opportunity for the aunt to speak with the niece or nephew but not with me. I am the bad person in every ones view. Twenty years and counting of shutting me out. Is that enough to break me down? What should I do? Where can I find a surrogate family if there is no hope for me to be a part of the people who have been so vengeful? I believe there will be justice at some point but we need to let that be for God to figure out if it does not happen here on this earth.
When you are a father and you cross the boundary to touch your child in a sexual way or place your child in a dangerous place of sexual activity you should no longer be called father, dad, papa or any other name of respect and you no longer should have any reason to celebrate "fathers day". That is what I think. If you deny the acts and every one else believes that a person has accused you without provocation then what happens is systematically the abused is pushed out of the family. When that happens there is continued "bad blood" that grows and grows to the point of no return. No matter what you say or do I do not believe that there is any going back. From what I see there is no way to mend the hurt that has happened.
If there IS a way to mend the hurt....it would be for the person who was sexually abused to come forth and announce very vocally that they were lying or that they have some kind of mental impairment to have suggested such a thing in the first place. I have had panic attacks and have had some incidents of emotional imbalance as a result of the sexual abuse but not the other way around. It is "cause and effect"....not "effect and cause". I would be willing to take any test that anyone in my relation would take, but I know that that is never going to happen. So there I am at a dead end. With my family anyway. It is nothing new to come to a dead end. What do others do? I have no idea but I do have an idea that for the most part most go along with the flow and deny their abuses. It is sad because the only thing that comes of that is the continuation of abuse. If the abuse continues and they (the abusers) feel that they got away with it, somewhere along the line they may slip up and expose themselves but again.....I would believe that the majority of them do not come forward. The cycle can continue even when someone gets caught.
How do we break this cycle? It would be difficult but more people have to come forward. Maybe there could be way for the survivors to come together and brain storm?
I have called my birth mother recently and she could not talk as an aunt had just stopped by. I was calling because both my birth mother and birth father have recently had some medical issues to deal with. I did call a number of times to speak with her during the medical crises and I did write a letter and sent a card during the winter holiday season. I did not hear one word from them at all. If it were any of my siblings who called when my aunt stopped by it would be an opportunity for the aunt to speak with the niece or nephew but not with me. I am the bad person in every ones view. Twenty years and counting of shutting me out. Is that enough to break me down? What should I do? Where can I find a surrogate family if there is no hope for me to be a part of the people who have been so vengeful? I believe there will be justice at some point but we need to let that be for God to figure out if it does not happen here on this earth.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Help From A Police Chief? /Empathy for People Attracted to Children in a Sexual Way
In my quest to address child sexual abuse I have been reaching out to people. One thing I have done is to send emails and telephone the small community where the most abusive sexual acts happened. This was also the place where I had a near death experience as a result of the sexual abuse. I have not made reference to where this town is and I do not intend to. I am not interested in a campaign to bring fear and discredit the people in that town as I know there are some wonderful people there and the acts of some do not reflect the town as a whole. I sent emails out to the town to the places where I thought they might address child sexual abuse and asked them to forward the email to the proper people if I had not. I did get an email from the Chief Of Police and it felt great to get any response but in hind site I do not trust the supposed olive branch that has been extended. What I have asked for from this small town is to post my blog and to ask any and all people who have been affected by this national disgrace to read and respond. Well....how can anyone respond when for the most part the people I know just turn their back on the survivor and support the person who has an attraction to and acts upon that attraction to children. In my own "family" I have been told,It didn't happen!" and "it doesn't exist!" The Chief of Police wrote a short email and told me if I would like to meet in person he would see what we could do to "work together". In speaking with a the few friends I have who believe that anything even happened in my turbulent childhood I was told to tread lightly. I do not know if this Chief of Police has read this blog and I am not sure if he has looked on here more than once to see if I am writing anything as a follow up to my reaching out to them. What I do know is that I am going to write him back and ask many questions and find out EXACTLY why he feels we need to meet in person. I believe what will most likely happen is he will be doing some investigating of his own. I believe he is most likely upset about what I may expose about what happened to me in their town. At this point I do not need to travel all that way to just be interrogated about my experiences. I don't need to set myself up or be accused of anything more than my concern and passion to help children to just have a childhood. I really did not Have a childhood.
I have not as yet reached out to speak with the people who are attracted to children sexually and I don't even know the proper way of doing that. Oprah Winfrey has done it as she is a powerful woman and I applaud what she has done and continues to do but I do not believe she is asking all the questions that need to be asked. I do not see her having a show about what happens to the family and how many hundreds of thousands of survivors are abandoned. It really tears the very fabric of the family apart and the blame is for the most part placed squarely on the shoulders of the person who was sexually abused. This only ads insult to injury. Salt on the not yet healed wounds. Knives in the back. And what is my and any other persons reaction going to be when all we want is to address this issue. It is not living in the past, it is trying to address the past so it does not continue. It continues if you do not address the issue and help all people affected. I have said it before and it bears repeating.......Picture a calm pond and visualize a large boulder dropped in the center of that pond. The ripples that boulder creates are the same as in life. The place where the boulder is dropped is the place there child sexual abuse has happened and the ripples travel outward and affect each and every person that the survivor comes in contact with.
I have great empathy toward the people who are attracted to children in a sexual way. It must be really difficult to keep those feelings in check. And the guilt and repercussions of what happens afterward must also be a terrible thing. For most. There are some who have no conscience and they need to be taken off the streets permanently but I believe that most struggle with this their whole lives. I can relate somewhat about this and liken it to someone who is not heterosexual and is told in so many words to hide who they are and not "come out". The people who are attracted to children in a sexual way seem to be attracted to a certain age. There have been many I have read about who have had more than a few arrests and it is usually with a child of a age range. Micheal Jackson for instance was accused of child sexual abuse with little boys of a certain age and it happened more than just a few times. He was a child performer from a very young age. Has anyone asked or investigated what Michael Jackson was involved in when [he himself was that age]? Is it not reasonable to believe that the age of a child he "may have been attracted to" and "may have acted upon" was the same age range that he himself was possibly sexually abused? To me it just makes sense. I personally believe that Micheal Jackson was a pedophile. He was a great songwriter and amazing performer but I do believe that sexual abuse was a part of his childhood and it continued into his short adult life. In the eyes of the court he was deemed Innocent. There are some who will agree with me but he was so popular that I do not believe I am going to have a very big following because of my views about the man/boy. It is not a cut to refer to him in this way. I believe he was very tormented person. Conflicted with what I believe was an abusive and turbulent childhood.
I recently looked up the sexual registry from my home town and some surrounding towns. I recognized a number of names and looked up their history and what they had been convicted with. One name in particular caught my eye. I recognized it to be the name of my younger sisters friend from high school. He is maybe a year younger than me. I want to reach out to him but I do not know what to expect. I want to ask him when he first became aware of his attraction to children. I want to ask him if he remembers his own childhood. I firmly believe that we should ALL remember our childhoods and that what happens in our childhoods greatly affects the people we grow up to be. I have mixed emotions about digging up a persons childhood sexual abuse because those kinds of memories surface when a person is able to address them and deal with them from an adult stand point. I remembered my own sexual abuse when I was around 27 years old. If you have read anything about this kind of thing you will see that I am pretty much "text book". It is very usual for this to happen at this age. I know of one person who was a friend of a friend that remembered her sexual abuse when she was in her mid to late 50's and I am not sure when it took her so long. She had remembered her older brother raping her many times. Many believe that these "memories" are just a ploy to get attention. That's one of the many ways to shut a person up. I have not placed my name on this blog and I have NEVER gone out of my way to get attention. I am only wanting to get attention to addressing child sexual abuse.
I am going to ask anyone reading this to send this blog address to as many people as you can. Send it to people you know who struggle with attraction to children, send it to teachers, to people in the church, people who may be a radio personality, sent it to newspapers who could post it in their health section. I want to bring this subject more into the open. Lets stop hiding.
UPDATE on "Help From A Police Chief"
The following is an email I sent to the Chief of Police from the small town where I was sexually molested and had my near death experience.
Dear Mr. XXXX
After some thought and a few conversations with the few friends who believe and support me about my abusive past I really have to safe guard myself from people who may have their own agenda?
Before I would visit you I need to know a few things.
Are you concerned about Bloomer being in the news about the subject of child sexual abuse?
Would there be other people there to asses my validity in being a survivor of child sexual abuse?
Do you have any intention of having any kind of task force to investigate the continuation of child sexual abuse?
Is there a history of people reporting child sexual abuse?
If I would decide to trust enough to visit you would you object to me bringing a person or two along with me for the little meeting you have proposed?
If you know anything about this subject you will know that the majority of people begin to remember sexual abuse when they are able to address it.
This means when they are in their mid to last twenties. Are you aware of young adults coming forward when they begin to have memories?
Has there ever been an opportunity to speak with a group of people who are in treatment do deal with their attraction to child molesters?
What I was trying to do when I first wrote and called [your town] it was to get my blog site published. There is no town named in the blog...it only states that the abuse happened in a small farming community. I do not intend at this time to "out" any person or town as that is not the focus. The focus is to get the word out that it can happen in any place from the largest metropolis to the smallest of towns. The people who really need to be reached are the people who "for what ever reason" protect the men and sometimes women who are attracted to young children and act upon that attraction.
I would really need to know more about what I am getting myself into before sticking my neck out yet again to only find I am once again walking into another brick wall.
Sincerely,
XXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXX
The response was.....
XXXX,
I would be more than happy to sit and talk with you.
I have not as yet reached out to speak with the people who are attracted to children sexually and I don't even know the proper way of doing that. Oprah Winfrey has done it as she is a powerful woman and I applaud what she has done and continues to do but I do not believe she is asking all the questions that need to be asked. I do not see her having a show about what happens to the family and how many hundreds of thousands of survivors are abandoned. It really tears the very fabric of the family apart and the blame is for the most part placed squarely on the shoulders of the person who was sexually abused. This only ads insult to injury. Salt on the not yet healed wounds. Knives in the back. And what is my and any other persons reaction going to be when all we want is to address this issue. It is not living in the past, it is trying to address the past so it does not continue. It continues if you do not address the issue and help all people affected. I have said it before and it bears repeating.......Picture a calm pond and visualize a large boulder dropped in the center of that pond. The ripples that boulder creates are the same as in life. The place where the boulder is dropped is the place there child sexual abuse has happened and the ripples travel outward and affect each and every person that the survivor comes in contact with.
I have great empathy toward the people who are attracted to children in a sexual way. It must be really difficult to keep those feelings in check. And the guilt and repercussions of what happens afterward must also be a terrible thing. For most. There are some who have no conscience and they need to be taken off the streets permanently but I believe that most struggle with this their whole lives. I can relate somewhat about this and liken it to someone who is not heterosexual and is told in so many words to hide who they are and not "come out". The people who are attracted to children in a sexual way seem to be attracted to a certain age. There have been many I have read about who have had more than a few arrests and it is usually with a child of a age range. Micheal Jackson for instance was accused of child sexual abuse with little boys of a certain age and it happened more than just a few times. He was a child performer from a very young age. Has anyone asked or investigated what Michael Jackson was involved in when [he himself was that age]? Is it not reasonable to believe that the age of a child he "may have been attracted to" and "may have acted upon" was the same age range that he himself was possibly sexually abused? To me it just makes sense. I personally believe that Micheal Jackson was a pedophile. He was a great songwriter and amazing performer but I do believe that sexual abuse was a part of his childhood and it continued into his short adult life. In the eyes of the court he was deemed Innocent. There are some who will agree with me but he was so popular that I do not believe I am going to have a very big following because of my views about the man/boy. It is not a cut to refer to him in this way. I believe he was very tormented person. Conflicted with what I believe was an abusive and turbulent childhood.
I recently looked up the sexual registry from my home town and some surrounding towns. I recognized a number of names and looked up their history and what they had been convicted with. One name in particular caught my eye. I recognized it to be the name of my younger sisters friend from high school. He is maybe a year younger than me. I want to reach out to him but I do not know what to expect. I want to ask him when he first became aware of his attraction to children. I want to ask him if he remembers his own childhood. I firmly believe that we should ALL remember our childhoods and that what happens in our childhoods greatly affects the people we grow up to be. I have mixed emotions about digging up a persons childhood sexual abuse because those kinds of memories surface when a person is able to address them and deal with them from an adult stand point. I remembered my own sexual abuse when I was around 27 years old. If you have read anything about this kind of thing you will see that I am pretty much "text book". It is very usual for this to happen at this age. I know of one person who was a friend of a friend that remembered her sexual abuse when she was in her mid to late 50's and I am not sure when it took her so long. She had remembered her older brother raping her many times. Many believe that these "memories" are just a ploy to get attention. That's one of the many ways to shut a person up. I have not placed my name on this blog and I have NEVER gone out of my way to get attention. I am only wanting to get attention to addressing child sexual abuse.
I am going to ask anyone reading this to send this blog address to as many people as you can. Send it to people you know who struggle with attraction to children, send it to teachers, to people in the church, people who may be a radio personality, sent it to newspapers who could post it in their health section. I want to bring this subject more into the open. Lets stop hiding.
UPDATE on "Help From A Police Chief"
The following is an email I sent to the Chief of Police from the small town where I was sexually molested and had my near death experience.
Dear Mr. XXXX
After some thought and a few conversations with the few friends who believe and support me about my abusive past I really have to safe guard myself from people who may have their own agenda?
Before I would visit you I need to know a few things.
Are you concerned about Bloomer being in the news about the subject of child sexual abuse?
Would there be other people there to asses my validity in being a survivor of child sexual abuse?
Do you have any intention of having any kind of task force to investigate the continuation of child sexual abuse?
Is there a history of people reporting child sexual abuse?
If I would decide to trust enough to visit you would you object to me bringing a person or two along with me for the little meeting you have proposed?
If you know anything about this subject you will know that the majority of people begin to remember sexual abuse when they are able to address it.
This means when they are in their mid to last twenties. Are you aware of young adults coming forward when they begin to have memories?
Has there ever been an opportunity to speak with a group of people who are in treatment do deal with their attraction to child molesters?
What I was trying to do when I first wrote and called [your town] it was to get my blog site published. There is no town named in the blog...it only states that the abuse happened in a small farming community. I do not intend at this time to "out" any person or town as that is not the focus. The focus is to get the word out that it can happen in any place from the largest metropolis to the smallest of towns. The people who really need to be reached are the people who "for what ever reason" protect the men and sometimes women who are attracted to young children and act upon that attraction.
I would really need to know more about what I am getting myself into before sticking my neck out yet again to only find I am once again walking into another brick wall.
Sincerely,
XXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXX
The response was.....
XXXX,
I would be more than happy to sit and talk with you.
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