What if your partner was attracted to children in a sexual way?

I now have a partner. We have known each other for the better part of 20 years and have dated on and off for many years but we are now exclusive. It is for the most part really wonderful and most of the time effortless. We were laying in bed the other night talking about attractions. He knows of my surviving child sexual abuse and questioned if I had any attractions to children as we both know there is a percentage of people who have been molested who do have attractions to children in a sexual way.

I am lucky and grateful that I do not have that attraction to children. He told me he didn't think he could be part of a couple where one person was attracted to little boys.

I began to think about my parents reaction to my memories of child sexual abuse and how my "father" immediately expressed how "It didn't happen". It is the easiest thing to do.....to toss me under the bus. It is an easy fix to just proclaim that I have some kind of mental impairment, that I have some kind of "false memories". It must have been just some of the stories that I have read over the years and just placed myself in some of those stories to "draw attention to myself".

What must it be like for my mother? It must be very crushing to even think that her life partner, her husband of many years would be capable of such and act. How much work and effort did this woman give to raise a family and be the kind of woman who would stand by her man in any circumstance? What kind of sacrifices did this woman make for me and the rest of her family?

In order to see the big picture we have to step back and see where she is right now. She is sitting next to her husband, my molester, who is driving the bus that he tossed me under. The rest of the bus is filled with my siblings and many other family members who have made the same choice to stand by my parents as they see very clearly what kind of pain they are going through. I have gone out of my way to cause great amounts of pain, is what they see. Anyone with eyes can see that and the anger is focused directly at me. Very easily people want to kill the messenger. Do they know how I came to be where I am? No they do not. They are not going to go back in their memories and see that I was always afraid of my molester. They will not remember the shy withdrawn little boy who barely spoke. They will not remember the deep and dark bouts of depression I endured as the molestation was going on in my infancy and young child hood. All of that is long forgotten and most likely will not be able to be proved. And there you have another huge dilemma.

I told a friend of mine about this blog for the first time recently. It has been over a year that I have been writing this blog.
His first reaction was, "How are you going to prove it?" People do not have to turn themselves in.

I have a questionnaire that I am working on that I want all people like my father to take. In part it asks the question, "Would you do anything to end child sexual abuse?" What steps would you take in order to do that?

We need to asses new and different ways to let people be honest about their attractions before they take any actions toward a child in a sexual way. There needs to be more education BEFORE any acts are taken on a very young person who is not ready for sexual stimulation. If I could have my way.....I want to see a little talk be given in a junior high to state what the statistics are expecially in what ever area of the world they are in.

Statistics state that in this part of the world that 3 out of 10 of you young children were molested. Statistics also state that ( * ) number of you are in turn going to be attracted to children in a sexual way. You must know that that is not acceptible and you must speak to someone about this BEFORE you act upon your attractions because if you do act upon your attractions you are going to ruin that childs life and the ripple effects will go on for years. You are going to be harming many more people than just the little boy or girl you are touching or exposing yourself to.

There needs to be a great deal more and new and innovative ways of aproaching all of this.

The Three A's of Organizations Addressing Child Sexual Abuse

The Three A’s of Organizations Who are Addressing Child Sexual Abuse




Assessment

We need to assess what each organization is doing. What are the same things? What are the differences? What are the new and innovative things they are doing? What are the proceedures that you and many others are doing that are not showing any signs of progress?

Accountability

If there is no progress as to what you are doing, there needs to be a change in thought and procedure so there IS progress. If you serve no purpose and are just “spinning your wheels” people who believe in you and what your organization is doing have the right to know that they are involved in something that is essentially going no where.

Action

There needs to be action taken. There needs to be a plan at the first sign of any kind of sexual abuse to a child.

If/ when a young person (usually in their mid to late twenties) has the memories come back to them about child sexual abuse, their need to be interviews and tests as to what the person remembers. These should be done without any kind of leading or details fed to the person in question who has the memories. Further, there need to be talks/interviews with the person in question (father, boyfriend, family friend, priest or ?) if that person is still in the picture (so to speak).

Going back further, I believe there needs to be education as to the different attractions that we all feel beginning much younger. When in junior high school I believe it would be appropriate to explain about the statistics of how many are straight/ gay/ bisexual/ transgender/ etc. Furthermore there should be talk about the normalcy of each person’s attractions. This is after all just a part of nature.

I personally believe that the attraction to children in a sexual way is something that is of a nurture method as apposed to nature. This would explain why there are some who are attracted to little boys or girls of a certain age. If you look at the majority of offenders of child sexual abuse they often gravitate to a child of a certain age. I believe it is a natural assessment that they themselves were violated at that same age or they looked to be of the age that the offender is attracted to. This is all in line with the nature of things. It is a taught thing. A child often has a great deal of pleasure from the abuse they are experiencing even though they can not as children understand and deal with that “displaced pleasure”.



There needs to be a great deal more teamwork.

Each and every organization should check in with each other. There could easily be a website devoted solely to and for all of these organizations to check in with each other. Research groups could be working in a synergistic fashion in order to make a great deal more progress at actually addressing the issues and finding solutions about bringing an end to child sexual abuse.



I welcome any and all organizations to respond to this posting and challenge them to asses what they are doing. If there are any objections to this post I would equally welcome them as well. Note that I am in no way promoting myself and am not trying to get myself into any kind of limelight. The focus for me has always been and always will be the action of bringing the numbers of child molestation down and eventually bringing an end to child sexual abuse.

A Plan To Address Child Sexual Abuse

I have not been on here in some time. Mulling over many things and many projects I have in mind.

For one thing I am going to try to connect many colleges together to start a group research project. I hope that the networking that this entails brings together many others who are interested in working on and finding solutions to the epidemic of child sexual abuse. I will be requesting students in psychology, writing, and law as they would all be of use in the fight for children.
I have the template for an in depth questionnaire I have used many times in talks I have been involved in. I would need some writers to help with that. I want to explore the laws about child sexual abuse. What laws are there to protect the predator? What are the laws to protect the children? Do they balance? Is there a plan set by the government in case of an epidemic? Is the plan adaptable to different types of epidemics? Medical/Child Sexual Abuse? IF there is NOT a plan to address an epidemic such as Child Sexual Abuse don't you think there should be? What if I had such a plan?!?!? I think I do and that is why I am going to contact many Universities.

I have a new direct email.....Just to use in conjunction with this blog.

addresschildsexualabuse@yahoo.com

Please copy and post this email as many times as you like. I am looking for college students interested in the fight for children's right to be children. If you are a college student, copy this and post it on a bulletin board or boards. Is there a writer in a college paper who wants to write a little story and reprint this?!? GREAT! Are there lawyers studying to help children.....join the team.

Please send me any email addresses of colleges you attend so that I may include them in the invitation. I am not sure if colleges work in conjunction with each other but I think this would be a big step forward to do a study of each of the areas where the colleges are. Thank you as always.

Survivors Outnumber the Pedophiles but Their Protectors Outnumber Us

Years ago a friend of mine witnessed gay bashing at a park. There were many gay men there and two men who were terrorizing them. The two men had bats and were beating any gay man they came in contact with. My friend while very upset at the proceedings was also very angry with the other gay men there. My friend was angry because even though the gay people far outnumbered the terrorists greatly they were not fighting back. The gay men all scattered. Why were they not fighting back? I believe that for one thing gay people have been beaten down in so many ways over a long period of time that they did not have the skills to fight back. There are now more and more laws to protect gay people but this has taken many years and a great deal of working together.

If you look at the situation regarding pedophiles and the young children they molest, the young children they molest greatly outnumber the pedophiles. The way that we the survivors are greatly outnumbered is that there are so many people stepping forward to defend and protect the pedophiles. In that regard it is unfortunate but the survivors are very greatly outnumbered. In my own personal experience, I have almost 30 first cousins on each side of my family and very few will have anything to do with me especially from my paternal side of my family. Cousins I have tried to reconnect with on face book will not confirm our "friendship", a cousin I hugged at a Renaissance Fair recoiled in disgust when she realized who was hugging her, even refusing to answer me when I ask her about her reaction. Many Aunts and Uncles have not answered letters I have written them. My own siblings are not in my life. I feel that over the years every time I send out an "olive branch" it gets chewed up and spit back in my face. It's an old saying of.....The bad news is they won't speak with me, The good news is "They won't speak with me!" So.....What am I losing if these people are not a part of my life? Who were these people to me when I was growing up? If you have never owned an island in the south of France you can never loose an island in the south of France. If you have never really had a family, that being the people who you grew up with you can never really loose a family. You have to create your own family with people who will be loving and supportive of you and who you are. I believe in giving people chances but there comes a time
when you have to accept that some people will never come around and be the supportive people they may sometimes profess to be. There is one person in particular who is the a matriarch in my family who would be a perfect compliment to "Pleasantville". She lives her life looking through rose colored glasses and refuses to address this very difficult family issue. She is not someone I trust anymore and I edit myself when I do any communication with her. I have to live a pretty guarded life with her and people like her. I will try to reach others but I will have to gradually step back if too many olive branches are chewed up and spit back at me.

It is frustrating when I have written to many organizations trying to address child sexual abuse and I get little or no responses.
If I get any response, for the most part I get requests to do public speaking or I get solicitations for money to fund projects that for the most part I do not believe in. One nameless organization asked if I were working with a University. No I am not working with a University...are you? I have often wondered what direction the majority of these organizations are moving and what is their success rate. In asking about their success rate I am asking how they are actually bringing the numbers down. From the time you started your website, how have you helped bring us all closer to stopping child sexual abuse? What are you doing with your organization that is different than the other organizations? Do you see any tangible results with what you are doing? Are there things that you are doing the same as other organizations that are not working? Have you in the course of your website stopped doing something that you know does not create positive results to what you have stated your goal is? Do you welcome survivors of child sexual abuse to speak in an open forum and brainstorm new and innovative directions to address child sexual abuse? One person from an organization trying to address child sexual abuse did write back to me and just stated, See my reply in bold.


WE NEED TO REACH THE PROTECTORS OF OF THE PEDOPHILES. WE NEED TO STOP WITH THE REPETITION OF THE PROJECTS THAT ARE NOT SHOWING ANY PROMISE AND MOVE ON. WE NEED TO GET ALL OF THE POWERFUL ORGANIZATIONS WORKING TOWARD THE SAME GOAL TO BAN TOGETHER TO WORK AS A TEAM AS SYNERGISM WILL HAVE A GREAT IMPACT ON THIS ISSUE.
THERE NEEDS TO BE AN OPEN FORUM OF SURVIVORS WHO CAN BE WELCOMED IN THE MIX. I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A PANEL OF EXPERTS OF CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE ANSWER ALL THE QUESTIONS THE SURVIVORS HAVE.

Check out "Address Child Sexual Abuse" Community Page on Facebook

I am trying to network to branch out and be a support to others who have SURVIVED child sexual abuse. Not all of us have had great support so we have to support each other. In my next step in doing this I have begun a Facebook page with the same title as this blog. A brave woman wrote me and told me that her father had molested her. My advice to her was to seek out professional help when she needed to speak with a professional. These days not many of us have insurance and so we have to find places that charge on a sliding scale. One organization I have found to be very helpful is Family And Children's Services, but seek out someone who is a good match for you. Are you more comfortable speaking with a man or woman? Does this professional have knowledge in this particular situation you need to speak about?

It is important to not isolate yourself. I have in the past at times done this and it is not healthy. Even if it is for a short time go out and try to mingle. Go to a lecture with a friend, maybe out for a coffee and some live music somewhere. It does not need to be for all night. Start with what you are comfortable with and let yourself grow at your own pace. Put up healthy boundaries but do not isolate.

We all need to think of ourselves as SURVIVORS. We are here. The child sexual abuse happened long ago for me. I am still here. I am a survivor. That means I am strong, and so are you. Think of your strengths and let them grow. Trusting is a difficult thing but you must try.

I wish I could think more clearly as it has been a long day and I am going to turn in for now. The note I got from a fellow survivor has invigorated me and has shown me that I am reaching someone. I want to be a support. I do what I can do. For now I will step back and do more tomorrow. Do what YOU can do and take what ever steps forward that you can take.
Be well, and thank you to the young woman who had the courage to tell me that her father had molested her. That was very brave thing to do and I applaud you!

How Prevelent Is Child Sexual Abuse Near Me?

Just how prevalent is child sexual abuse near me. Over the years I have seen and heard different things that lead me to believe that something inappropriate is happening but what should or can I do in that instance? Many years ago I was near a playground and I overheard a young boy saying the words, "Oh, your just like all the rest!" It reminded me of something I said to a friend (a girl) when I was very young. In my own memories it had to do with sexual abuse. I remember that each day I survived after the sexual abuse I told myself I would tell someone but that day in my childhood never came. Those thoughts consumed my life and I was very lost as a child. It affected my entire being and I shut down in many ways. Could those words be words to pay attention to especially when a child can not express what they are wanting to say and get support and help with? Does a person somehow know they will not get support when they do finally voice the experiences of surviving sexual abuse? Maybe times have changed and children are more believed now. I do not know the statistics.

In speaking of other thing I have heard, there was an apartment a few years ago where I heard a child crying at 3:30 in the morning every morning for at least a week. It may have gone on longer than that but from what I heard it was a week. Furthermore the crying was forced and sounded as if at some point of the crying there was a pressure placed upon the child. It did sound to me that the child could have been being raped. I spoke with a married friend of mine and he told me, "Children cry." I heard some talking from a woman and from what I thought I heard she spoke to the girl and told her she was not being hurt. I know this is disturbing to whom ever will read this as it is disturbing to myself as I relive the experience and I am at a loss as to what I should have done or if I am just formulating these things from my own abusive past.

I was at a motel that provided a buffet breakfast as part of the price of the room. There was a young girl who was sitting with a man as they had breakfast and she had a towel over her head. I could not see her very well with the towel covering most of her face but she seemed very depressed and certainly trying to hide. I immediately thought that she was maybe a child in a very dangerous situation. The man sat and ate his breakfast and did not speak with the girl as she occasionally had a utensil full of breakfast and fed herself under the towel. I do not know what I have the power to do in this kind of situation. I feel totally out of sorts. I do not know if the little girl behaved badly and was given a spanking or any real concrete details of what occurred to make this little girl behave as she did. I do not know child psychology to make any judgement as to what happened but I do know what I thought. I thought the man was a father or uncle or (?) was a pedophile and that I wanted to find a way to help the little girl. I wanted to talk with her to find out why she was hiding under the towel. I wanted to get her away from a man who I thought was harming her. But I didn't know what I could/should do, and I did nothing. I must find out my powers and my abilities to act upon what I see. I need to investigate what I can do the next time. We all need to be more proactive.

Unfair to Push The Issue of addressing child sexual abuse?

Is it unfair to push the issue of addressing child sexual abuse?

I have been having some wonderful discussions and debates with a good friend of mine. In our talks my friend pointed out a situation with his family about physical violence. My friends brother forbid his father from seeing his children because of the fathers history of being physically abusive. My friends brother forbid their father from seeing his children unless he sought therapy. The entire family joined in and while it was very difficult at times and opened some wounds it was necessary in order to stop that cycle from continuing. I liken it to a type of cancer that while it is not visible it is still there and has the potential of surfacing and many things could trigger that kind of outburst.

The same dynamics apply to a family who is damaged by a sexual predator. Not exactly in the same way but the outline is there. A sexual predator is a hidden person. You can not tell from looking at them that they are attracted to a child in a sexual way and many things could trigger that predator from acting upon their desires. In my situation I do not have the leverage that my friends brother had. My own "family" chose to not speak to me for years and what would I say to them? We all have to do group therapy or I won't let you see my CAT!" That's not going to go very far! I have tried with the most urgency to have the Matriarch take a stand with me but for over 20 years of letters, phone calls and emails the woman would not budge. I am truly baffled. The teacher and former religious has chosen ignorance over knowledge and I just can not wrap my head around that one. I used to have such respect for her but now I only feel pity.

My debating friend suggested that this matriarch is just not able to address this issue. It would be the breaking point of her life and would in fact be damaging to her physiologically. My view of the issue is if nothing is done there stands the chance of sexual abuse in my family to continue. If she does nothing than she is in fact the continuation of child sexual abuse in my family and in the community where my sexual abuser lives. This matriarch stated in an email that she has blocked out most of her childhood. This is a sure sign that she herself has been molested. There is a patern here that should not be ignored. There is that word again. I know of a cousin who had a falling out with his father. My own father/molester had a very close relationship with that uncle. I believe my uncle was most likely a phedophile as well. I contacted my cousin to ask if he would tell me of his fathers and his falling out. That was a few months ago and i doubt that will ever happen. If that cousin would be willing to open up and compare notes as to what our abusers did to us it would add validity to the history of child sexual abuse that does most likely exist. I do wonder how long this history really goes back? How many generations have kept silent and how many in the future will be affected as a result of that silence?

I have mentioned this before that when I began having memories of child sexual abuse at age 27 I contacted both of my sisters. I explained to them that a person usually remembers child sexual abuse in their mid to late twenties. If that happens with my nieces and nephews I will be there for them. I do not have faith for my own generation of the family. I do have hope for our families future.