A Plan To Address Child Sexual Abuse

I have not been on here in some time. Mulling over many things and many projects I have in mind.

For one thing I am going to try to connect many colleges together to start a group research project. I hope that the networking that this entails brings together many others who are interested in working on and finding solutions to the epidemic of child sexual abuse. I will be requesting students in psychology, writing, and law as they would all be of use in the fight for children.
I have the template for an in depth questionnaire I have used many times in talks I have been involved in. I would need some writers to help with that. I want to explore the laws about child sexual abuse. What laws are there to protect the predator? What are the laws to protect the children? Do they balance? Is there a plan set by the government in case of an epidemic? Is the plan adaptable to different types of epidemics? Medical/Child Sexual Abuse? IF there is NOT a plan to address an epidemic such as Child Sexual Abuse don't you think there should be? What if I had such a plan?!?!? I think I do and that is why I am going to contact many Universities.

I have a new direct email.....Just to use in conjunction with this blog.

addresschildsexualabuse@yahoo.com

Please copy and post this email as many times as you like. I am looking for college students interested in the fight for children's right to be children. If you are a college student, copy this and post it on a bulletin board or boards. Is there a writer in a college paper who wants to write a little story and reprint this?!? GREAT! Are there lawyers studying to help children.....join the team.

Please send me any email addresses of colleges you attend so that I may include them in the invitation. I am not sure if colleges work in conjunction with each other but I think this would be a big step forward to do a study of each of the areas where the colleges are. Thank you as always.

Survivors Outnumber the Pedophiles but Their Protectors Outnumber Us

Years ago a friend of mine witnessed gay bashing at a park. There were many gay men there and two men who were terrorizing them. The two men had bats and were beating any gay man they came in contact with. My friend while very upset at the proceedings was also very angry with the other gay men there. My friend was angry because even though the gay people far outnumbered the terrorists greatly they were not fighting back. The gay men all scattered. Why were they not fighting back? I believe that for one thing gay people have been beaten down in so many ways over a long period of time that they did not have the skills to fight back. There are now more and more laws to protect gay people but this has taken many years and a great deal of working together.

If you look at the situation regarding pedophiles and the young children they molest, the young children they molest greatly outnumber the pedophiles. The way that we the survivors are greatly outnumbered is that there are so many people stepping forward to defend and protect the pedophiles. In that regard it is unfortunate but the survivors are very greatly outnumbered. In my own personal experience, I have almost 30 first cousins on each side of my family and very few will have anything to do with me especially from my paternal side of my family. Cousins I have tried to reconnect with on face book will not confirm our "friendship", a cousin I hugged at a Renaissance Fair recoiled in disgust when she realized who was hugging her, even refusing to answer me when I ask her about her reaction. Many Aunts and Uncles have not answered letters I have written them. My own siblings are not in my life. I feel that over the years every time I send out an "olive branch" it gets chewed up and spit back in my face. It's an old saying of.....The bad news is they won't speak with me, The good news is "They won't speak with me!" So.....What am I losing if these people are not a part of my life? Who were these people to me when I was growing up? If you have never owned an island in the south of France you can never loose an island in the south of France. If you have never really had a family, that being the people who you grew up with you can never really loose a family. You have to create your own family with people who will be loving and supportive of you and who you are. I believe in giving people chances but there comes a time
when you have to accept that some people will never come around and be the supportive people they may sometimes profess to be. There is one person in particular who is the a matriarch in my family who would be a perfect compliment to "Pleasantville". She lives her life looking through rose colored glasses and refuses to address this very difficult family issue. She is not someone I trust anymore and I edit myself when I do any communication with her. I have to live a pretty guarded life with her and people like her. I will try to reach others but I will have to gradually step back if too many olive branches are chewed up and spit back at me.

It is frustrating when I have written to many organizations trying to address child sexual abuse and I get little or no responses.
If I get any response, for the most part I get requests to do public speaking or I get solicitations for money to fund projects that for the most part I do not believe in. One nameless organization asked if I were working with a University. No I am not working with a University...are you? I have often wondered what direction the majority of these organizations are moving and what is their success rate. In asking about their success rate I am asking how they are actually bringing the numbers down. From the time you started your website, how have you helped bring us all closer to stopping child sexual abuse? What are you doing with your organization that is different than the other organizations? Do you see any tangible results with what you are doing? Are there things that you are doing the same as other organizations that are not working? Have you in the course of your website stopped doing something that you know does not create positive results to what you have stated your goal is? Do you welcome survivors of child sexual abuse to speak in an open forum and brainstorm new and innovative directions to address child sexual abuse? One person from an organization trying to address child sexual abuse did write back to me and just stated, See my reply in bold.


WE NEED TO REACH THE PROTECTORS OF OF THE PEDOPHILES. WE NEED TO STOP WITH THE REPETITION OF THE PROJECTS THAT ARE NOT SHOWING ANY PROMISE AND MOVE ON. WE NEED TO GET ALL OF THE POWERFUL ORGANIZATIONS WORKING TOWARD THE SAME GOAL TO BAN TOGETHER TO WORK AS A TEAM AS SYNERGISM WILL HAVE A GREAT IMPACT ON THIS ISSUE.
THERE NEEDS TO BE AN OPEN FORUM OF SURVIVORS WHO CAN BE WELCOMED IN THE MIX. I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A PANEL OF EXPERTS OF CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE ANSWER ALL THE QUESTIONS THE SURVIVORS HAVE.

Check out "Address Child Sexual Abuse" Community Page on Facebook

I am trying to network to branch out and be a support to others who have SURVIVED child sexual abuse. Not all of us have had great support so we have to support each other. In my next step in doing this I have begun a Facebook page with the same title as this blog. A brave woman wrote me and told me that her father had molested her. My advice to her was to seek out professional help when she needed to speak with a professional. These days not many of us have insurance and so we have to find places that charge on a sliding scale. One organization I have found to be very helpful is Family And Children's Services, but seek out someone who is a good match for you. Are you more comfortable speaking with a man or woman? Does this professional have knowledge in this particular situation you need to speak about?

It is important to not isolate yourself. I have in the past at times done this and it is not healthy. Even if it is for a short time go out and try to mingle. Go to a lecture with a friend, maybe out for a coffee and some live music somewhere. It does not need to be for all night. Start with what you are comfortable with and let yourself grow at your own pace. Put up healthy boundaries but do not isolate.

We all need to think of ourselves as SURVIVORS. We are here. The child sexual abuse happened long ago for me. I am still here. I am a survivor. That means I am strong, and so are you. Think of your strengths and let them grow. Trusting is a difficult thing but you must try.

I wish I could think more clearly as it has been a long day and I am going to turn in for now. The note I got from a fellow survivor has invigorated me and has shown me that I am reaching someone. I want to be a support. I do what I can do. For now I will step back and do more tomorrow. Do what YOU can do and take what ever steps forward that you can take.
Be well, and thank you to the young woman who had the courage to tell me that her father had molested her. That was very brave thing to do and I applaud you!

How Prevelent Is Child Sexual Abuse Near Me?

Just how prevalent is child sexual abuse near me. Over the years I have seen and heard different things that lead me to believe that something inappropriate is happening but what should or can I do in that instance? Many years ago I was near a playground and I overheard a young boy saying the words, "Oh, your just like all the rest!" It reminded me of something I said to a friend (a girl) when I was very young. In my own memories it had to do with sexual abuse. I remember that each day I survived after the sexual abuse I told myself I would tell someone but that day in my childhood never came. Those thoughts consumed my life and I was very lost as a child. It affected my entire being and I shut down in many ways. Could those words be words to pay attention to especially when a child can not express what they are wanting to say and get support and help with? Does a person somehow know they will not get support when they do finally voice the experiences of surviving sexual abuse? Maybe times have changed and children are more believed now. I do not know the statistics.

In speaking of other thing I have heard, there was an apartment a few years ago where I heard a child crying at 3:30 in the morning every morning for at least a week. It may have gone on longer than that but from what I heard it was a week. Furthermore the crying was forced and sounded as if at some point of the crying there was a pressure placed upon the child. It did sound to me that the child could have been being raped. I spoke with a married friend of mine and he told me, "Children cry." I heard some talking from a woman and from what I thought I heard she spoke to the girl and told her she was not being hurt. I know this is disturbing to whom ever will read this as it is disturbing to myself as I relive the experience and I am at a loss as to what I should have done or if I am just formulating these things from my own abusive past.

I was at a motel that provided a buffet breakfast as part of the price of the room. There was a young girl who was sitting with a man as they had breakfast and she had a towel over her head. I could not see her very well with the towel covering most of her face but she seemed very depressed and certainly trying to hide. I immediately thought that she was maybe a child in a very dangerous situation. The man sat and ate his breakfast and did not speak with the girl as she occasionally had a utensil full of breakfast and fed herself under the towel. I do not know what I have the power to do in this kind of situation. I feel totally out of sorts. I do not know if the little girl behaved badly and was given a spanking or any real concrete details of what occurred to make this little girl behave as she did. I do not know child psychology to make any judgement as to what happened but I do know what I thought. I thought the man was a father or uncle or (?) was a pedophile and that I wanted to find a way to help the little girl. I wanted to talk with her to find out why she was hiding under the towel. I wanted to get her away from a man who I thought was harming her. But I didn't know what I could/should do, and I did nothing. I must find out my powers and my abilities to act upon what I see. I need to investigate what I can do the next time. We all need to be more proactive.

Unfair to Push The Issue of addressing child sexual abuse?

Is it unfair to push the issue of addressing child sexual abuse?

I have been having some wonderful discussions and debates with a good friend of mine. In our talks my friend pointed out a situation with his family about physical violence. My friends brother forbid his father from seeing his children because of the fathers history of being physically abusive. My friends brother forbid their father from seeing his children unless he sought therapy. The entire family joined in and while it was very difficult at times and opened some wounds it was necessary in order to stop that cycle from continuing. I liken it to a type of cancer that while it is not visible it is still there and has the potential of surfacing and many things could trigger that kind of outburst.

The same dynamics apply to a family who is damaged by a sexual predator. Not exactly in the same way but the outline is there. A sexual predator is a hidden person. You can not tell from looking at them that they are attracted to a child in a sexual way and many things could trigger that predator from acting upon their desires. In my situation I do not have the leverage that my friends brother had. My own "family" chose to not speak to me for years and what would I say to them? We all have to do group therapy or I won't let you see my CAT!" That's not going to go very far! I have tried with the most urgency to have the Matriarch take a stand with me but for over 20 years of letters, phone calls and emails the woman would not budge. I am truly baffled. The teacher and former religious has chosen ignorance over knowledge and I just can not wrap my head around that one. I used to have such respect for her but now I only feel pity.

My debating friend suggested that this matriarch is just not able to address this issue. It would be the breaking point of her life and would in fact be damaging to her physiologically. My view of the issue is if nothing is done there stands the chance of sexual abuse in my family to continue. If she does nothing than she is in fact the continuation of child sexual abuse in my family and in the community where my sexual abuser lives. This matriarch stated in an email that she has blocked out most of her childhood. This is a sure sign that she herself has been molested. There is a patern here that should not be ignored. There is that word again. I know of a cousin who had a falling out with his father. My own father/molester had a very close relationship with that uncle. I believe my uncle was most likely a phedophile as well. I contacted my cousin to ask if he would tell me of his fathers and his falling out. That was a few months ago and i doubt that will ever happen. If that cousin would be willing to open up and compare notes as to what our abusers did to us it would add validity to the history of child sexual abuse that does most likely exist. I do wonder how long this history really goes back? How many generations have kept silent and how many in the future will be affected as a result of that silence?

I have mentioned this before that when I began having memories of child sexual abuse at age 27 I contacted both of my sisters. I explained to them that a person usually remembers child sexual abuse in their mid to late twenties. If that happens with my nieces and nephews I will be there for them. I do not have faith for my own generation of the family. I do have hope for our families future.

Fathers Day/ Pedophiles Day?

Being a survivor of child sexual abuse from many sources I have very mixed emotions regarding Fathers Day. When I first began having memories at age 27 I felt it important to celebrate the day in some form, so what I decided to do was make some calls and
wish specific men a "Happy Fathers Day". These specific men were not fathers in the bioligical sense of the word but were substancial and very learned men who were mentors to many younger children. A friend of mine was a lawyer who specifically donated time to a community group to give leagal advice. He also had some neices and nephews who he mentored. There were also a few friends who were teachers. One gave many talks in schools about social issues and the other was a teacher and lover of the yo-yo so he taught the yo-yo after school and was a mentor to a great many young people. All of these men were very loved and respected and while I had personal problems I felt it nice to honor amazing men who were a kind of suragate fathers. They gave good sound fatherly advice and genuinely cared when sometimes the biological father just did not have the skills to reach their own child.

When I think of my own situation I immediately think of "phedophiles day". That is nothing to celebrate. I recently wrote to a cousin I reconnected with on facebook to ask him if he would tell me of he and his fathers trouble relationship before his father died. That was 2 months ago and he has not responded. I believe my cousin may have been molested as well. It affects each person differntly and depending on if you are gay, bi or straight it leads to different complications in life. My cousin is married.
One of the last times I saw him was many years ago and I bought him a drink at a bar when I ran into him. He told me he was cutting back on drinking but still did consume that drink. On facebook he informed me he was married. I think it is his 2nd wife. I think he has a child from the first woman he was with. I am not entirely clear on any of his curcumstances. I have the feeling he kind of "sold out" on the "It didn't happen thing" that so many families impose on survivors of child sexual abuse. The kind of thing were a person is told they will be disowned or left out of wills if they speak of any of there supposed past. The
molested person is subjected to a lot of work and self denial and loss of self in the process. I do not feel you can fully heal without really opening up at least to yourself and others in your own family where the molestation may still be happening. I have no right to judge my cousin and wish him no ill will, it's just that as I continue on my own journey of exploration and healing both with in myself and with trying to reach my own birth family it is just another road block for me. I really do not believe that there will ever be any open honest discussions about child sexual abuse. What will happen is it may be in the next generation but that is sad because that means that the sexual abuse is continuing even as I type this out.

Even if you are not a survivor of child sexual abuse try to think of a few men you feel are contributing to the well being of young
people and are surragate fathers who you can call and wish them a "Happy Fathers Day". It will brighten their day and make you feel good at the same time! This kind of action brings about a healing.

Happy Fathers Day!

Girl 27 / What Number Was I And How Many More Will Be Counted?

In 1937, Patricia Douglas, a straight-laced, 17-year-old studio dancer was sent by a casting agent to what she thought was a film call. She ended up at a MGM Studios sales convention "stag" party where she was manhandled and eventually raped and beaten by an out-of-town salesman.

When she tried to seek justice, she got screwed again - this time by everyone from top MGM brass, the district attorney, the press, and key witnesses to her doctor, lawyer and own mother. The emotional ripple effect of that crime has been felt by three generations to-date.

Flash forward 65 years to Hollywood historian, author and filmmaker David Stenn's discovery of Douglas' story in old newspapers while researching a Jean Harlow biography and pursuing the truth, much to the chagrin of Douglas who gave up hoping for justice long ago.

GIRL 27 is not only a documentary about a powerful studio scandal and cover-up, it's also the story of how an 85-year-old woman overcomes decades of pain, fear and disappointment to learn to trust someone again when they say "I want to help you find justice, vindication, peace." As such, I liked that the film shows the development of Stenn and Douglas' friendship and the emotional bond they formed.

The most compelling part of the film is Douglas' on-camera recollections, speaking about the rape for the first time ever. (She was never interviewed for any of the exploitative newspaper articles of the day.) This is a woman who needed to feel, and did ultimately feel, heard and understood.

There's lot to love about this film besides the courage and heroic beauty of Patricia Douglas. Vintage film clips showing how violence against women was treated by Hollywood at the time, interviews with family members of key players in the story and insights provided by experts such as actress Diana Carey (herself a victim of studio system sexual harassment), author Judy Lewis (the daughter of Clark Gable and Loretta Young, and victim of a Hollywood scandal cover-up), attorney Michael Taitelman and legal analyst Greta Van Susteren.

I'd highly recommend viewing the DVD while listening to Stenn's audio commentary track. He provides lots of relevant insights and additional facts pertaining to the case and Hollywood history, as well as background tid-bits on the making of the documentary. I thought it was one of the more compelling commentary tracks I've heard in years.

This movie review was from Lisa Burks.

It is an amazing true story of a very brave young girl who was brutally raped. It vastly effected her entire life and altered her direction greatly. I recommend you watch this movie and think about how many life stories are not told. (The movie is available to watch online.) Think about the children and young adults who are molested and raped and never heard about. Many lives who's paths are altered. Many who turn to drugs and prostitution. Many who have severe depression and those who commit suicide not due to the molestation they live through but because they can't face the rejection and non support from their own family's. What number was I and how many more peoples lives will be numbered or more importantly, how many more childrend will not be counted when they are molested? We need to ban together as a family and pull open the curtains and stop hiding the people who are largely left to continue their sexual deviance towards children and young adults. The title "Girl 27" refers to Patricia Douglas as she was the 27Th girl on the list of many girls called to this "MGM Barn" under the pretext of a movie call. I am posting some statistics form a wonderful website "Darkness to Light".

The statistics are shocking

* 1 in 4 girls is sexually abused before the age of 18.
* 1 in 6 boys is sexually abused before the age of 18.
* 1 in 5 children are solicited sexually while on the internet.
* Nearly 70% of all reported sexual assaults (including assaults on adults) occur to children ages 17 and under.
* An estimated 39 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse exist in America today.

Even within the walls of their own homes, children are at risk for sexual abuse

* 30-40% of victims are abused by a family member.
* Another 50% are abused by someone outside of the family whom they know and trust.
* Approximately 40% are abused by older or larger children whom they know.
* Therefore, only 10% are abused by strangers.

Sexual abuse can occur at all ages, probably younger than you think

* The median age for reported abuse is 9 years old.
* More than 20% of children are sexually abused before the age of 8.
* Nearly 50% of all victims of forcible sodomy, sexual assault with an object, and forcible fondling are children under 12.

Watch"Girl 27" and make the decision to get involved and NOT HIDE anyone you know has or suspect has molested or raped a young person. If you have been told by a neice or nephew or other relative that a family member has molested them, take the time and steps to investigate and not just brush them away. The worst thing you can do is NOTHING. It only reoffends the survivor of sexual abuse and allows more molestation to coninue. DON'T LET THIS BE A PART OF YOUR FAMILY LEGACY, IT IS NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF!

Awareness Walks and Getting to the Root of Child Sexual Abuse

Awareness walks have been around for a great many years. Everywhere you turn you see them. One of the most recognized is of breast cancer awareness walks. They have the pink shirts and pink ribbons. They have testimonials of how many years they have survived. They have a huge following of family and friends who support them and walk with them and when they die they have many who walk in their honor and raise money for more research and to help pay bills of the women who are dealing with breast cancer at the present time. I am very happy for their support of each other. It is wonderful to see the care and support those mostly women and some men are getting. I recently saw one of those many commercials for a breast cancer walk and wondered what it would be like if there was such an outpouring of support for this very prevalent epidemic of child sexual abuse. I am 47 years old and I would have a shirt on it that read I was a survivor for 47 years! My own personal journey of a survivor started when I was only months old! The many different types of walks all began in different ways. For instance I know that it took many years for any kind of walks dealing with any kind of cancer. There was a tremendous stigma about cancer and many people thought they could contract it by just being near a person with cancer. There was not support back then as they have today. For years there was a huge fear about A.I.D.S. and again it took years to get people educated about it and the ways you can contract H.I.V. which can lead to A.I.D.S. There are many walks and they all start with a few that lead into the many. Many of the walks are faced with protesters. Many walks evolve in many different ways. Some of the first gay pride marches had people dressed in suites and ties. The women, lesbian or not were in dresses. The gay pride marches and pride fests in some places were places to vent and were sometimes laced with a great deal of hate to heterosexuals. Now the gay pride parades have very few protesters and a great many families join in the Gay Pride Fest. I know that there are some awareness groups about child sexual abuse and I believe there are some gatherings that may take the form of awareness walks but it seems to me that they are in their infancy.

To have the kind of walks that will draw the attention to the epidemic of child sexual abuse there needs to be a great deal more awareness and a great deal more education. A great deal more education and a great deal less silence and hiding the people that molest children. Families, meaning all your relatives and not just extended families you create when your own relatives turn their backs on the survivors, need to band together and address this as a united group. There will be tears and pain at first but that's the only way to get to the root of the cancer that will grow in a relation if the cancer of child sexual abuse is not addressed directly. Who will walk with the survivors?

Acknowledging Your Child Was Sexually Molested Does Not Equal Failure As A Parent

Many parents believe that acknowledging their child has been sexually molested equals failure as a parent. Turning your back on your child after he or she has been molested is really more a failure especially if one of the parents is the molester. If one of the parents is the molester it is a great deal of work trying to figure out where your relationship lays with your spouse and your child or children. What does that make your marriage and has your whole life as a loving wife and mother been a complete sham? Often times as in my case my female parent is forced to choose is she more a mother or more a wife. In my case it turns out, and I believe this is the majority of the times when the female parent was more a wife. Many people in my relation have tried to convince me that child sexual abuse was just not a part of my life. In other words, I have some kind of mental impairment.
I have agreed to go through any kind of psychological testing to show that I was in fact a survivor of sexual abuse. Throughout the years I have asked my parents to join in with me on chats with what ever current therapist I was seeing at the time. They always declined saying, "We don't need to see a therapist. If it is helping you to not live in the past then we are glad for that.
Just for the fact I was seeing a therapist showed to them that I did and do have some kind of mental impairment and that is I am sure what they repeat to my relation when and if anyone would ask about me. I have no way of confirming that because with any form of communication I try with relatives fails as I never hear back from them. It's like the old saying....The bad news is I never hear from them but the good news is I never hear from them!

I wonder if we can look at the molesting of a child the same way we look at the story we have all heard as children. The story I speak of is how we should never touch a small wild animal or disturb a birds nest. If a small wild animal is touched, other animals will smell that scent and the animal will be rejected. The same is true if you disturb a birds nest. When someone touches a child they will act differently, especially if the molester is living in the house as well. When you disturb your own nest you create a great deal of turmoil. I was not a joy to live with as an infant and child. The molesting was happening a great deal especially when I was small. Remember, even when a child is sleeping they still have the seance of smell and each person has distinct smells even when you wear a fragrance. Children also have body memories if molestation happens in their sleep. In some capacity a child WILL remember. I believe when that children's story is told it should be extended to age appropriately discuss not touching or disturbing human babies. We should all be taught from an early age to not disturb any ones nest or living space.

Child Porn/ Inaction Leads to More Illegal Actions and More Sexual Abuse

When my father involved me in child porn it was somewhere around 1965. I clearly remember my father speaking with the photographer before our "photo shoot" and the photographer was saying that there would be no touching. After a short talk between my birth father and the photographer my birth father left. I did ask my father in a letter where he went and what he was doing. I suspect he was involved in something sexual with someone in the building but that is only speculation. This was in the basement of a professional building in the down town of where I grew up. There were at least 15-20 children in the basement all nude and playing with different sized kicker balls. The photographer was standing behind a camera on a tripod and there was some kind of black cloth to cover his face like an old camera would have but in this case I believe it was there so no one would be able to recognize him. The town I grew up in has usually had a population around 12,000-13,000 people. If you have read my previous post of my memory of child sexual abuse you know I did not stick around long. I knew this was not right and I was not going to have any part of it. I was going to spend some quality time with my father as this was our time together! I am not even sure how many photos he took of me. I would say there are not many but I did for a short time play with the balls and toss them to other little nude children as instructed. After a short time I gathered up my clothes and walked out the door. I went to the right and walked down the hall to windowed door at the end of the hall and went outside. I sat nude on the single step at the back door with my clothes folded on my lap. There was a small hedge on either side of the door and I could hear the traffic to my right from a busy one way road. I was not there long before my father came out the back door in a hurried panic and asked me if anyone had touched me. I gave him an honest no response. He took me and my clothes to the side of the building away from traffic and dressed me. I was happy that we were now going to have our time together! No so. We left and went right home. He was very angry with me. Keep in mind that this was around 1965. I do not know if there is a way to track down the child porn that did happen that day. I did email the police in my home town to ask if they had any cases of child porn that were older. I do not remember much about the room itself but I do remember large rectangle windows near the top of the walls. They had metal frames. I believe they surrounded the room.

When I was 18 and experimenting with my sexuality I did meet one man who had a house along a river in a nearby college town. He showed me some child porn. I did not look at it for very long and when he noticed my discomfort he took the photos away from me and put them in a top drawer and closed it. I do not think they were from my memories of the basement. All I remember of the photos were naked children and panelled walls. That was in 1981.

I came across some statistics of child porn from an article in a local news paper about a lawyer seeking out and prosecuting people who download and distribute child porn. These are the statistics.

* Size of the online child-porn industry: Multi billions of dollars

* Increase in the number of images online from 1997 to 2003: 1,500 percent

* Number of reports of child pornography from 1998 through April 2009: 594,000

* Number of children whose abuse has been recorded by pornographers in the U.S. alone: More than 1 million

* The vast majority of child-pornography crimes are never prosecuted.

* Quote from a child-pornography victim: "When I was a little girl, and when I was being photographed and raped, I used to try to send messages with my eyes down the lens and hoped that one day a good person might see and come to help us."


I have no idea if there in a continuation of child porn in my home town but I would venture to say given the statistics that there is. There is nothing set up in my small home town as far as an organization to address child sexual abuse. In the college town nearby they do have some programs. I believe if an abuse is not addressed that it will grow. I did recently cut and past my original posting of my memories of child pornography and sent them by email to the small town where I grew up and suggested that they get something in place. I suggested they get in touch with the people in the college town to get assistance. I further suggested they involve some people from a bigger city who have more experience. The email I sent was unanswered.

I sent by email to my families Matriarch a copy of an article about a man who was recently convicted of raping and murdering two young teenagers. In my email I urged her to reconsider her stance about her continued silence of the sexual abuse that I know was a part of my infancy and childhood and the possibility of it continuing with my father. I told her in my email that her inaction leads to more action of a sexually abusive way to more children. I did not receive a response from that email.

The Matriarch in my family was a teacher and former religious! People in all walks of life can choose ignorance. It is more sad when a person of this back round makes this choice. She did tell me in an email that most of her childhood was blocked out. I have no doubt that this family legacy will continue.

Remember.....Inaction will lead to more child sexual abuse.

A Response from A Doctor of Psychology

Thank you for contacting me and for the comments about our site!



I visited your blog! I think it is very helpful! Only tips I would recommend (many survivors contact me with how they would like to help in the fight to reduce/eliminate sexual abuse) is to develop a core outline, with just a few main goals, for your efforts...this way it stays clear and precise, and it helps to enlist professionals and others and for them to see what the goals are...on occasions, some of the survivors I work with still have a lot of pain and anger toward the offender, and family members..and even though they really want to help agencies/public/people, their pain serves as a major distraction



For example, if a survivor had a main goal of reducing child sexual abuse...then developed a few good objectives....maybe a pilot type program in the school system...where all kids would be "screened" for sexual abuse during 3rd grade, 6th grade, and 10th grade....but in a non evasive fashion (so it doesn't upset parents)......and if the person worked on implemented such a program....or awareness...or holding the non offending parents accountable as well..or public speaking!



Keep up the great work!!!


This is an email I received from a Doctor in Psychology I wrote to and asked if he would take a look at my blog and respond with any advice. He was kind to respond. I am not including his name as I have not asked if I could do so.

While I love the advice he gave I am frustrated (as usual) that there is not a set way to go even beyond his advice. What about stopping the abuse before it starts? The suggestion is to set up "screenings" in a non evasive fashion as to not upset the parents. What if one of the parents is the problem? What if the wife is one of the many who would never believe that her husband would ever touch their child in a sexual way? While screening is a great idea, for me it seems like that is too late. It is not too late to stop what may be happening but it is too late to stop abuse from even starting.

I have often thought that there should be a human sexuality class that teaches us about our bodies and even our sexuality. I do not know exactly when that class should be in place but I would suggest it be starting around 6th grade. It would be a class that explain the body changes that we all go through but it would also approach the attractions we begin to have. There should be a clear explanation as to the different sexualities that there are. Heterosexuality, bisexuality, homosexuality transgender and all the lesser known sexualities that exist. When students get to 7th or 8th grade there should also be a chapter discussing attractions to younger people and talk about the statistics of the percentages of child molesters. There should be but there is not. I think my next step is to set up meetings with human sexuality teachers.


Anger is a Distraction.

I am told from this Doctor of Psychology that my anger is a distraction. I can not argue with that. How does one address child sexual abuse without anger? Are we not showing our sanity by showing anger? When we ask basic questions to the people who profess to be addressing child sexual abuse and there are seemingly no answers given, does that not provoke anger? I do not know how to walk on egg shells to ask the questions that need to be answered. I do not know how to do that and I do not know how others do it.

When I ask questions that are not answered it is frustrating and I get angry. When I look to the U.S. Government website about child sexual abuse it shows statistics but not much more and when I read to the bottom of the page it states that the site is inactive and is no longer updated. This should make anyone who is interested in addressing child sexual abuse angry. How do we harness that anger and be proactive and really make a difference in bringing the numbers of children molested down and finally bring an end to child sexual abuse? I do not have the answers.....and apparently the people I have contacted do not know either.

We Need to Diagnose Where we are in Addressing Child Sexual Abuse.

I keep getting emails from RAINN. (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) The last email was proclaiming that giving a donation was a perfect gift to give in your mothers name! I did write back and thanked them in a sarcastic way saying...For Mom? Great! That's the person who married my pedophile! The perfect gift for me is to just have you answer my many emails to you! I have written them many times and have yet to reach anyone who can or is willing to give me concrete answers to basic straightforward questions. For me it is all about the solutions. I have also encouraged the people of RAINN that there should be a forum on their site to brainstorm with all people concerned about how to actually address the issues about child sexual abuse and bring the numbers down! I would love to give my advise as to how this can be done but how can I do that when I do not know what is being done right now? It's like if someone in that organization went to a mechanic, drove up, got out of their car and told them to "fix it" without looking under the hood! The mechanic gets no explanation as to what the car sounds like or if the car "pulls" to one side or the other. The driver just says, "fix it". I don't care how experienced that mechanic is......he or she will never get the job done. So where does that leave me or anyone interested in addressing this issue? It leaves us in the dark. I really do wonder why my emails are not answered. I have asked these people from many organizations very nicely if they could have an open communication with me as to brainstorm about the issues and I get very little back. Once I reach out to many of these organizations I get emails saying I should send them money to them to help in the fight! Well.....does anyone who sends them money get an explanation as to where that money is being used? Do they find out then what the process is as to how they are addressing this issue? I think that is the next step. I will send them an email and tell them I will send them money if they can explain what exactly they do to address the issue and how they approach pedophiles. Is there a set way to deal with the issue or is it all just guess work? How has the process changed over the years and if those processes have not worked are you continuing them or are you trying anything else? We need to diagnose before we proceed in addressing child sexual abuse.

A Letter To the Matriarch of the Family/ How I Feel my Family/Relation See Me

Date of Email:Thu, April 29, 2010 11:25:48 AM
Subject of Email:Calling your sister

To: My Aunt
Hi XXXXX,

I appreciate that you said you would ask your sister XXXXXXX about the family friend named Peter the next time you spoke with her.
I wonder however when that might be and question what would it be for you just make that call.

I wonder what you meant when you said you were happy that I was moving on. In no way did I say that I was "moving on". What I said was that I was moving forward
even though I have found little support from so many people in my life. There is a big difference. I am concerned when it sounds as if you have blocked out
so much in your life. I wonder what exactly you have blocked out and if you understand what that means.

Do you think that I need to "move on" and not continue to try to get people back in my life? Would you ever Skype with me and a therapist to delve into a family legacy
I know to be fact? It would mean so much to me. Maybe it would help you to unlock some hidden things that really need to be addressed. I am only thinking of the
health and welfare of the family.

I know that the man named Peter who was a long time family friend is a predator. Predators have a way of latching on to a situation where there is a vulnerability.
With the instance of Lee drinking so heavily many years ago I am sure that the family farm was a prime target for this reaching and molesting children the way he molested me. I know that Peter was younger than my parents and it is most likely that if he is still around that he is continuing his behavior to this day.

What is shocking to me is the way so many people react to the investigation of predators and family legacies. So many people go out of their way to hid predators and when they do this the family legacy continues for many years. I just read another book about a persons journey of investigating their history of child sexual abuse and it spanned 5 generations! Keep in mind that in no way did any of the details of that 5 generations of investigations come anywhere near to what I remember or what you may have blocked out although some of the blocking out does fit.

Please XXXXX...Think about your actions before you hide or continue to hide what needs to be addressed.

Love,

XXXX


The following letter is yet another try at reaching out to my relation asking them to work with me and address child sexual abuse that has and most likely still exists among us (in my relation). I think back to some very formative years when I was so withdrawn from this world that when I did speak I barely spoke above a whisper. I literally had very little voice about anything in my life or my body. I feel I was so beaten down from all the sexual abuse coupled with the fact that my pedophile was a totally controlling person that my bodily reaction was a natural way for me to react. I remember that my siblings and cousins when gathering in the back yard had to almost beg me to join in. I had to be coaxed repeatedly to be a part of anything. Because of the work that my relation did to bring me out of my introverts way back then I feel that they must feel really "put out" by me in many ways. They did there work years ago and now my job is to keep the silence and keep the good name of the family in tact.

I have said it before and it needs to be repeated.......The foundation that a pedophile puts down when they are abusing their own child is quicksand. Imagine if you will a person who is being molested in their own home and every floor is quicksand. You can only see their face flat on the floor facing upward trying to breath before they go under. You have to raise your voice in order to get a response and you wonder what kind of mental problems do they have that they are so withdrawn. Keep in mind that the natural defences for dealing with the sexual molestation when you are second grade through sixth grade is to bury the memory until you are of an age when you can actually deal with it!

With it being so close to Mother's Day I think back to when I was really young when my own mother would kneel down to give me a hug and she loved me so much that it literally hurt when she hugged me so hard. Now it hurts more that she hasn't hugged me in many many years! Yes Mothers Day is just a few days away and I do not think there will be a letter or card or a phone call to my pedophiles wife as there is too much "bad blood" as she would call it between us. Well, what happens if there is "bad blood" with a person at a hospital? They perform a transfusion! I need a transfusion with myself to my family to make it right and to bring healing. That healing will only happen when and if my relation
work with me to address child sexual abuse. An aunt in a small town near the Wisconsin/ Minnesota border (yet another aunt who shut me out more than 20 years ago) once told me that an uncle of hers "felt her up" and she didn't say a word about it to anyone! This was her way of being an example of what I should do. As I have stated "Each story is different" as far as sexual abuse, but you can hardly compare this persons story with mine as my experience was from the time I was months old to the time I was eighteen years old. The last time in my home town from a priest at a different Catholic Church when I was still trying to be Catholic.

So there you have it. I feel my relatives are put out by me as I have always seemed so needy and that they have done their work with me. I can not put words in my mothers mouth but if she ever spoke about her husband and even hinted that he sexually molested me, I imagine the words would be, "What does that make of my marriage?" What answer do I give her? I guess he liked more than "one flavor"!? There are no simple answers and fewer people talking so how does a person even begin? With my own relation I DO NOT THINK IT WILL EVER BE POSSIBLE! How really sad. There is not a single word or action I can take to Make these people face that I am not trying to draw attention to myself. I am trying to make this family more healthy and put an end to child sexual abuse so it does not continue through generations!

A loving friend told me recently that he thought I had a "blind spot" when I am trying to approach this subject. I am absolutely sure that is true! If I did not have a blind spot I would have given up YEARS AGO and just started a new campagne. It would be along the lines of "Let's Give Pedophiles Free Rein"!. That appears what is happening with my own relation even after more than 20 years of efforts.

There is a song I learned many years ago. It is called "What Would I Do Without My Music?" In that song the words read that "The fighting's More Important Than the Goal"
Well I am not sure if that is true but I WILL keep fighting to bring this issue more into the light and pray for more transfusions.

All The Details Are Important in Memories of Child Sexual Abuse

I have been to many therapists throughout the years. Some have been better than others. You really have to kind of "shop around" to find out who is the best fit for yourself. One therapist that I went to through "Family & Children's Services" a few years ago was one of the best for me. He has since gone into private practice so that is no longer an option for me. I sometimes have little flashes of details of my past molestations. It is sometimes triggered by something and sometimes they just come to mind.
A few of those past memories that I did not include in the post about the history of my personal sexually abusive history have resurfaces recently. One of the memories happened right after my mother and I went to church. There were restrooms just to the side of the church in a nearby building. I remember I needed to use the rest room but the light in the men's room was burned out (or I believe the light bulb was just unscrewed) An elderly man was standing outside the restroom and he volunteered to help me. I am sure my mother thought "what a kind man". I was at an age when I was just starting to go to the rest room by myself but in this case since there was no light I got some help. I remember him picking me up and having me stand on the sink. He took my pants down and fondled me. At the same time he held a hand over my mouth as I was trying to protest what he was doing. He felt me up in the front up to my chest and I think we were there just as long as it would seen to use the restroom. Then he put my clothes back on and returned me "safely" to my mother. As usual once the molestation was over I buried it in my subconscious and began the two block walk back home with my mother. About half way home she noticed I had urinated in my pants. Another memory was of my father sitting on the toilet and masterbating. I do not remember my age when this happened but I know it was later than this other memory I just wrote about. The four claw bath tub was right in front of the toilet in corner of the bathroom. I think I was not always in the tub by myself. My brother was there sometimes as well. When ever anyone need to take a bath it was customary to ask if anyone needed to use the toilet before the bath began. It happened very frequantly that my father need to use the toilet when it was in the middle of our bath. He sometimes stunk up the place but many times he just sat with a towel over his lap and while I did not know what he was doing with his hands under that towel, I know now that he was masterbating. During these times he did not stink up the bathroom. I think he most likely tried to stink up the bathroom so my mother would not suspect anything else was happening.

I was chatting with my past therapist about the first memory saying it was no big deal as not much happened during that insodent (compared with most) but he told me that every memory was important and I should not just brush it off.

I have continued to try to reach out to [relatives] about this legacy non will speak of or acknowelge. An aunt of mine, the former religious, has told me she has blocked out much of her childhood. I have asked her if she would Skype with me when I went to my next therapist session. I explained to her that I am only looking out for the families best health and welfare. I have not recieved an answer as yet. I am NOT holding my breath. I suggested that she might even be able to deal with some of her suppressed memories. I think that "rose colored glassed" is the route she will choose.

I just finished the gripping yet disturbing book, "Because I Love You" written by Joyce Allan. I do recommend the book to anyone interested in this brave womans journey. Everyone deals with their own story differently. Joyce Allan was still blocking out actions well past the time she had children. Not remembering allowing her children visits to her father in Colorado when she would be in Maryland. Her family history spans five generations. I do not know how long my own family legacy will span, but I suspect it is continuing as I type this. I recently was emailing my younger sister trying to get some informaiton and I guess using some pressure to get that information. She responded with an OMG I feel I am back in High School! I gave her an OMG right back and pointed out her missunderstanding of the situation. I also pointed out that I do not know the ages of her two children but that most people begin to remember child sexual abuse around their mid to last twenties. I told her I woud be there for her during that time if they did happen to be part of this legacy. Maybe there were just viewings in the bathtub and my father suppressed his desires for any kind of touching with them. Only time will tell.

Some Organizations May Not Want Pedophiles to Go Away.

This is a letter I wrote to ****, I strongly feel there needs to be a cohesive network for all concerned to address this issue together.

Dear ****,

I am one of the millions of survivors of child sexual abuse and am trying to work to bring the numbers down and possibly brainstorm with others who are working to do the same thing. I have been involved with over 1,200 talks about GLBT issues and many of those talks have delved into the issues of sexual abuse as well. Many of the organizations I have reached out to have been eager for me to speak publicly with their organization but after the many years I have been speaking (as a volunteer) I do not have the time or energy as I am trying just make ends meet (just the same as many people.)

I have recently been speaking with a friend about the frustrations surrounding my inability to find a way to have an open forum not associated with something that will be very public such as facebook as none of us need to face any more rejection or abandonment than we have faced before both from family or friends who just do not believe that anything happened at all. I am sure that no one who is raped or molested wants to hear, "Just get over it!" any more. I have heard this many times over the years and it is not something one "just gets over!" The friend I have been speaking with tells me that no one is going to listen to anyone who does not have a degree. That is difficult to listen to as the cycle of molestation that many of us have endured does not coincide with a great deal of education because when the abuse is happening at such a young age many children have a great deal of trouble just focusing on basic school lessons and basic social education as well. What strikes me is that I am reading a book that was written by a woman about child sexual abuse who has a degree in psychology but in the same breath she allowed her own father to molest her children. It all seems very crazy to me.

I contacted both of my sisters the moment I began having memories of child sexual abuse and warned them not to allow our father to baby sit them alone. I was not listened to and was labeled someone with mental problems. I have recently emailed my younger sister and told her the average age when a person remembers sexual abuse is the early to mid twenties. At that time I will be there for them if they want me to be.

I guess the questions are: How do the survivors make a difference when they are from what I have seen, not involved in the process? Who are the people making the decisions as to the proper way to address this issue? How do we bridge that gap and let all concerned join in the process together? If you do not have a forum where this gap can be bridged can you please tell me where that forum could be that is not open to the general public so as not to have more people criticize and abandon any more than we have been abandoned in the past?

*It is difficult to believe that some may not want the issue of Child Sexual Abuse to Go Away but I believe this may be the case with some organizations I have tried to communicate with. Why you may ask does an organization want child sexual abuse to continue you may ask. Some organizations are able to line their pockets with lots of money as a result of child sexual abuse. Such is the case with some organizations that make a great deal of money when it comes to HIV and AIDS. While donating a percentage to the good cause they are associated with and getting some well meaning celebrities to plead with the general public to send much needed funds they ultimately seem to rake it in.

I have broken off ties with an organization that gets people in touch with therapists and promotes education for people who are survivors of child sexual abuse. They do not claim to be trying to get to the solution to the issue of child sexual abuse and they, from what I can tell do not answer emails from people who like myself ARE trying to get to the solution to the core issue.
I encourage people to support what ever organization they can afford to support but if you do not hear from an organization accept for them asking for money....I would think clearly where you wish to send your hard earned cash. Best of luck to the organization I tried to communicate with.

Even Oprah Winfrey's family does not believe she was molested. (so says Kitty Kelly)

Who knows if what you read from Kitty Kelly is true. From what I know of her and her books (non of which I have read) her books are referred to as "Kitty Litter". There was an article I read in the USA Today news paper that said that the majority of Oprah Winfrey's own family do not believe that she was molested. I would love to interview Ms. Winfrey. While she has spoken about her abuse I would like to find out what her relation is with her family and how she deals with their not believing.

I have been on the Oprah Winfrey website today reading about her ongoing quest to address child sexual abuse and I again applaud her and Lisa Ling for the work they do. Lisa Ling has real guts to speak with the worst of the worst offenders.

A few of the quotes from the offenders really hit home with me.

Who are the most vulnerable victims? Laura says it's the children who aren't getting the love and attention they need at home.
(Laura is the only female on the island off the coast of Washington State [where the worst of the worst child sexual offenders are housed].

"[For] a lot of us, I guess, [the abuse] happened when we were younger, 8 or 9 years old. ... You really don't have much in your life at that age but your family, and for some people, a relationship with God," he says. "When something like that does happen, and it's a family member, you pretty much shatter that duality of the comfort of your family and your spirituality."

These two people are saying in different words what I have said already. The children who are not getting love and affection at home are the most vulnerable. An offender can zero in on that right away. When you are in an unsafe place where molestation has occurred that love will NEVER reach you. Even if you are getting attention from someone in the family, say your mother, in my case I never really trusted that love. I always felt I got attention just because that is what she was supposed to do and so I never trusted that I was worthy of love and attention.

The second quote says it clearly. When there is sexual abuse, the abuser Shatters the comfort and safety of the child.

My last post speaks of when the relationships of children and parents turn. My parents are now in their early 70's and there is certainly no hope of ever really trying to speak with them about the abuse that did happen in my "childless" house where I grew older. I find it difficult to say it was my childhood home as I really did not have a childhood, and I never really grew up there....more so I grew older. I lacked the social education and had to fend for myself by getting involved with extra curricular activities at school.

I have not spoken with many in my family about child sexual abuse. I did write a letter to all the aunts and uncles on my mothers side of the family and stated that there is a history of child sexual abuse on my fathers side of the family and non of them have ever spoken with me since. There are a few other reasons they will not speak with me and that includes my sexual orientation and because I changed my name. I have recently been emailing my younger sister who always had a very close relationship with my birth father. I told her that I knew I would never be able to convince her that I was ever sexually molested by my birth father and that was fine. Thinking back I don't think that it is fine. I did mention in my email that most people will remember their sexual abuse at around 25-28 years old. I am not sure how old my nieces and nephews are but I think she got what I was getting at to at least be somewhat prepared and not surprised to hear any one of them come forward to tell their own experiences of molestation. I did warn my sisters about allowing my birth father to baby sit their children many years ago when I was 27 when my first traumatic memories began to surface. I am not sure if they ever listened to my words.
Time will tell if he still had the urges with his grand children.

Speaking with my abuser and his wife

I spoke with my birth father a few days ago and his wife the day after. It is difficult to think of these people as my father and mother. If you have read my blog before you know I do not feel a person who was my pedophile should be given the title of father. I did call him dad during the conversation but that was a struggle. I think I did that because recently he and his wife have had some medical issues and I have some empathy for them. I have called him by his first name on many occasions as I felt that that was the most respectful way to address him without crossing the boundary to bring insult to majority of men who do not molest their children.

For now my birth father is an angry man who has had a stroke and recently broke his arm. He is mad at the world and angry at God. He feels everyone hates him including God! "Has anyone said anything to you to make you believe that they hate you?" was a probing question I had. "No....no one has said anything to make me feel that way." was his response. I pointed out to him my beliefs even though they differ from his Catholic. God is perfect and God does not Hate Anyone! I explained to him that I believe that we ALL choose what we live through and so in fact we can NOT blame God as God does NOT make our choices. We put these things in front of us to learn from. It would be SO EASY to Blame God IF God put these things in front of us! God would not be perfect if he chose many different things for each person. As I have stated before I do remember this. I remember this because of what I chose to live through as an infant and child. I had to remember something when I was growing up in order to survive. That's not to say I am better than anyone else it's just to say I chose more. I guess I felt I needed to experience more for the knowledge I wanted to acquire this time on the earthly plane. I spoke with my birth father for about 45 minutes and said as many encouraging things as I could. There was little to no speaking about what I was going through and I believe there is virtually no chance for myself to resolve anything with this very abusive man I grew up with and survived.

There are people in my life who do not hold the same beliefs as I do but I pay attention to my dreams and have had many premonitory dreams. One dream I had many years ago was of my birth father on his death bed and him saying, "I'm sorry." In the dream I ask what he is sorry for. He will reply that he is, "Just sorry" and he will not elaborate any more than that. From what I have read in Gnostic Teachings the saying, "To err is human, to forgive Devine" is defined and clarified to state we on this earth are human and some things we can not forgive.....so I do not see myself forgiving a man who molested me for years and then tossing me under the bus claiming I had a great deal of mental impairment to even believe he touched me in any inappropriate way.

I have written a few emails to my siblings through face book and one by regular email but it does not look promising that our relationship will get any better. They are near my parents and I am always thought of as "the bad guy" but I did not do these things to myself. What logical way is there to explain my reactions to these people. It appears no matter what I do or say there is no possible way they will meet me half way. I really don't know how many years I wrote and called the matriarch of my paternal fathers family to try to address child sexual abuse but it always seemed to me that what ever "olive branch" I extended was chewed up and spit back in my face. This coming from a former teacher and former religious.

Some things that we try to accomplish will never be resolved until we reach the other side when we go home to be with God and our friends and family. I have read many peoples stories and have seen many people who try their entire lives and never reach their birth families. They cry and feel that the ONLY people who can be their family are their birth family. I would encourage anyone who is in this predicament to seek out alternatives and try to trust others who are willing to be surragate family members. Easier said than done as I am struggleing with this as I type this blog. I have tried for a few years and have so far been welcomed in by maybe five or six people. Five people in one family and another in a differnt town north of where I live. You only drag yourself down if your birth family will not be there for you. You need to at some point just move on. Keep the door open to conversation and some kind of reconnection but don't beat a dead horse "as they say".

Asking Oprah to do a show about people abandoned because they dare to speak out.

Please do a show about the people who TRY to address child sexual abuse and are abandoned by their families as a result of this. There is a vast number of people that this affects and they are a group of people who are not given a voice in the growing issue of child sexual abuse. People who are given the choice to sweep it all under the rug and are supported by their families are also a group of people who should be a part of the show. PLEASE consider a show like this as I believe this to be a KEY ELEMENT to addressing child sexual abuse and tapping into the Main reason child sexual abuse continues to grow! Reach out to the people who for the most part DO NOT have a voice or choose to be silent to be able to HAVE some semblance OF a family. REACH OUT also to the people who PROTECT the pedophiles and find out WHY!

I have written to the Oprah Winfrey Show before and implore you to Please Consider my words. The epidemic grows each day and I believe we will never catch up to the growth until we ask the questions that need to be asked to the people that are NEVER reached. Thank you.

Here is my blog address.

http://addresschildsexualabuse.blogspot.com/?zx=9eedbf5be3fe551c

If you read my blog......Email Oprah to ask for a show for the abandoned survivors.

When you cross a boundry, some titles should never be used again.

You are a sexual virgin when you are born. Hopefully when you have your first sexual encounter you are at the adult age to deal with such a monumental act to lose your virginity. So when you "cross that bridge" so to speak you are no longer a virgin.
When you are a father and you cross the boundary to touch your child in a sexual way or place your child in a dangerous place of sexual activity you should no longer be called father, dad, papa or any other name of respect and you no longer should have any reason to celebrate "fathers day". That is what I think. If you deny the acts and every one else believes that a person has accused you without provocation then what happens is systematically the abused is pushed out of the family. When that happens there is continued "bad blood" that grows and grows to the point of no return. No matter what you say or do I do not believe that there is any going back. From what I see there is no way to mend the hurt that has happened.

If there IS a way to mend the hurt....it would be for the person who was sexually abused to come forth and announce very vocally that they were lying or that they have some kind of mental impairment to have suggested such a thing in the first place. I have had panic attacks and have had some incidents of emotional imbalance as a result of the sexual abuse but not the other way around. It is "cause and effect"....not "effect and cause". I would be willing to take any test that anyone in my relation would take, but I know that that is never going to happen. So there I am at a dead end. With my family anyway. It is nothing new to come to a dead end. What do others do? I have no idea but I do have an idea that for the most part most go along with the flow and deny their abuses. It is sad because the only thing that comes of that is the continuation of abuse. If the abuse continues and they (the abusers) feel that they got away with it, somewhere along the line they may slip up and expose themselves but again.....I would believe that the majority of them do not come forward. The cycle can continue even when someone gets caught.

How do we break this cycle? It would be difficult but more people have to come forward. Maybe there could be way for the survivors to come together and brain storm?

I have called my birth mother recently and she could not talk as an aunt had just stopped by. I was calling because both my birth mother and birth father have recently had some medical issues to deal with. I did call a number of times to speak with her during the medical crises and I did write a letter and sent a card during the winter holiday season. I did not hear one word from them at all. If it were any of my siblings who called when my aunt stopped by it would be an opportunity for the aunt to speak with the niece or nephew but not with me. I am the bad person in every ones view. Twenty years and counting of shutting me out. Is that enough to break me down? What should I do? Where can I find a surrogate family if there is no hope for me to be a part of the people who have been so vengeful? I believe there will be justice at some point but we need to let that be for God to figure out if it does not happen here on this earth.

Help From A Police Chief? /Empathy for People Attracted to Children in a Sexual Way

In my quest to address child sexual abuse I have been reaching out to people. One thing I have done is to send emails and telephone the small community where the most abusive sexual acts happened. This was also the place where I had a near death experience as a result of the sexual abuse. I have not made reference to where this town is and I do not intend to. I am not interested in a campaign to bring fear and discredit the people in that town as I know there are some wonderful people there and the acts of some do not reflect the town as a whole. I sent emails out to the town to the places where I thought they might address child sexual abuse and asked them to forward the email to the proper people if I had not. I did get an email from the Chief Of Police and it felt great to get any response but in hind site I do not trust the supposed olive branch that has been extended. What I have asked for from this small town is to post my blog and to ask any and all people who have been affected by this national disgrace to read and respond. Well....how can anyone respond when for the most part the people I know just turn their back on the survivor and support the person who has an attraction to and acts upon that attraction to children. In my own "family" I have been told,It didn't happen!" and "it doesn't exist!" The Chief of Police wrote a short email and told me if I would like to meet in person he would see what we could do to "work together". In speaking with a the few friends I have who believe that anything even happened in my turbulent childhood I was told to tread lightly. I do not know if this Chief of Police has read this blog and I am not sure if he has looked on here more than once to see if I am writing anything as a follow up to my reaching out to them. What I do know is that I am going to write him back and ask many questions and find out EXACTLY why he feels we need to meet in person. I believe what will most likely happen is he will be doing some investigating of his own. I believe he is most likely upset about what I may expose about what happened to me in their town. At this point I do not need to travel all that way to just be interrogated about my experiences. I don't need to set myself up or be accused of anything more than my concern and passion to help children to just have a childhood. I really did not Have a childhood.

I have not as yet reached out to speak with the people who are attracted to children sexually and I don't even know the proper way of doing that. Oprah Winfrey has done it as she is a powerful woman and I applaud what she has done and continues to do but I do not believe she is asking all the questions that need to be asked. I do not see her having a show about what happens to the family and how many hundreds of thousands of survivors are abandoned. It really tears the very fabric of the family apart and the blame is for the most part placed squarely on the shoulders of the person who was sexually abused. This only ads insult to injury. Salt on the not yet healed wounds. Knives in the back. And what is my and any other persons reaction going to be when all we want is to address this issue. It is not living in the past, it is trying to address the past so it does not continue. It continues if you do not address the issue and help all people affected. I have said it before and it bears repeating.......Picture a calm pond and visualize a large boulder dropped in the center of that pond. The ripples that boulder creates are the same as in life. The place where the boulder is dropped is the place there child sexual abuse has happened and the ripples travel outward and affect each and every person that the survivor comes in contact with.

I have great empathy toward the people who are attracted to children in a sexual way. It must be really difficult to keep those feelings in check. And the guilt and repercussions of what happens afterward must also be a terrible thing. For most. There are some who have no conscience and they need to be taken off the streets permanently but I believe that most struggle with this their whole lives. I can relate somewhat about this and liken it to someone who is not heterosexual and is told in so many words to hide who they are and not "come out". The people who are attracted to children in a sexual way seem to be attracted to a certain age. There have been many I have read about who have had more than a few arrests and it is usually with a child of a age range. Micheal Jackson for instance was accused of child sexual abuse with little boys of a certain age and it happened more than just a few times. He was a child performer from a very young age. Has anyone asked or investigated what Michael Jackson was involved in when [he himself was that age]? Is it not reasonable to believe that the age of a child he "may have been attracted to" and "may have acted upon" was the same age range that he himself was possibly sexually abused? To me it just makes sense. I personally believe that Micheal Jackson was a pedophile. He was a great songwriter and amazing performer but I do believe that sexual abuse was a part of his childhood and it continued into his short adult life. In the eyes of the court he was deemed Innocent. There are some who will agree with me but he was so popular that I do not believe I am going to have a very big following because of my views about the man/boy. It is not a cut to refer to him in this way. I believe he was very tormented person. Conflicted with what I believe was an abusive and turbulent childhood.

I recently looked up the sexual registry from my home town and some surrounding towns. I recognized a number of names and looked up their history and what they had been convicted with. One name in particular caught my eye. I recognized it to be the name of my younger sisters friend from high school. He is maybe a year younger than me. I want to reach out to him but I do not know what to expect. I want to ask him when he first became aware of his attraction to children. I want to ask him if he remembers his own childhood. I firmly believe that we should ALL remember our childhoods and that what happens in our childhoods greatly affects the people we grow up to be. I have mixed emotions about digging up a persons childhood sexual abuse because those kinds of memories surface when a person is able to address them and deal with them from an adult stand point. I remembered my own sexual abuse when I was around 27 years old. If you have read anything about this kind of thing you will see that I am pretty much "text book". It is very usual for this to happen at this age. I know of one person who was a friend of a friend that remembered her sexual abuse when she was in her mid to late 50's and I am not sure when it took her so long. She had remembered her older brother raping her many times. Many believe that these "memories" are just a ploy to get attention. That's one of the many ways to shut a person up. I have not placed my name on this blog and I have NEVER gone out of my way to get attention. I am only wanting to get attention to addressing child sexual abuse.

I am going to ask anyone reading this to send this blog address to as many people as you can. Send it to people you know who struggle with attraction to children, send it to teachers, to people in the church, people who may be a radio personality, sent it to newspapers who could post it in their health section. I want to bring this subject more into the open. Lets stop hiding.

UPDATE on "Help From A Police Chief"

The following is an email I sent to the Chief of Police from the small town where I was sexually molested and had my near death experience.


Dear Mr. XXXX

After some thought and a few conversations with the few friends who believe and support me about my abusive past I really have to safe guard myself from people who may have their own agenda?

Before I would visit you I need to know a few things.

Are you concerned about Bloomer being in the news about the subject of child sexual abuse?
Would there be other people there to asses my validity in being a survivor of child sexual abuse?
Do you have any intention of having any kind of task force to investigate the continuation of child sexual abuse?
Is there a history of people reporting child sexual abuse?
If I would decide to trust enough to visit you would you object to me bringing a person or two along with me for the little meeting you have proposed?

If you know anything about this subject you will know that the majority of people begin to remember sexual abuse when they are able to address it.
This means when they are in their mid to last twenties. Are you aware of young adults coming forward when they begin to have memories?

Has there ever been an opportunity to speak with a group of people who are in treatment do deal with their attraction to child molesters?

What I was trying to do when I first wrote and called [your town] it was to get my blog site published. There is no town named in the blog...it only states that the abuse happened in a small farming community. I do not intend at this time to "out" any person or town as that is not the focus. The focus is to get the word out that it can happen in any place from the largest metropolis to the smallest of towns. The people who really need to be reached are the people who "for what ever reason" protect the men and sometimes women who are attracted to young children and act upon that attraction.

I would really need to know more about what I am getting myself into before sticking my neck out yet again to only find I am once again walking into another brick wall.

Sincerely,

XXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXX


The response was.....

XXXX,

I would be more than happy to sit and talk with you.

Reaching my Sexual Peak at Four Years Old

The title sounds crazy but what if that were the truth? For me I believe it is. Just think of it. When I was four years old I introduced to my first group sex. I was given beer and marijuana and was the center of attention. I knew my sexuality and enjoyed all that took place. I was sexually molested in all the houses that I lived in from the time I was months old and while it was uncomfortable it was still enjoyable. This place was a relatives house. I was there with a younger male sibling but he went to bed earlier than I and when it was time for me to go to bed I was told I was going to go to "the big boys room". The trusted friend who was watching all of us children made a point to tell me this! I felt proud that I was going to be in the "Big boys room!". My heart gave a jump when we were going up the stairs and then down the hall to "the big boys room". I remember looking at him when he made this announcement. When we got there the room was dimly lit and there was beer there. I don't recall how many people were there to begin with but there was a great deal of smoke. I could breath it. It was not harsh like cigarette smoke like my parents. It most likely did not take a great deal of time for me to be affected by the beer and strange smoke. I was having trouble following the directions that the trusted friend gave to me to be able to orally please him, or all the others. If anyone needed to urinate during the course of the evening they were instructed to urinate out a window through the screen. There was a big yellow stain down the side of the house the next day that someone took a yard hose to. I am not sure It did much good. I remember at one point I was not following his instructions as well as he would have liked and he slapped me....hard across the face and told me to follow his orders more closely. I found out that the duration of what was happening was shorter when I was doing what he told me to do. I learned that they would ejaculate more quickly when I followed orders. So I followed orders more closely. I did not know what the strange liquid was when I was following orders and when I asked the trusted friend he told me, "It's good for you!" I certainly did not know at the time it was sperm. I also did not know that I could get sick from it and two weeks later when I started coughing my parents had no idea that this was my first case of gonorrhea. It took at least 3-4 weeks of coughing before someone decided to test me for that sexual disease. My mother came to me to ask how I got this. What was I to say? Every time anything sexual happened to me....especially from her husband I just buried it as I had no words to tell anyone.
I clearly remember the doctor telling my parents that this incident would never be put into my medical records. At the time I did not know why. I would find out many years later that this kind of thing....along with the survivor would be best swept under the rug.

To look at things from a logical point of view I feel we have to look at our BASE. We are animals. Human animals but animals just the same and we are subject to the same reactions as any animal who is violated. I knew who I was sexually and I enjoyed what was happening. I remember being able to just stand there and orally serve the many young men who offered themselves up to my attention.
I remember the trusted friend taking me down the dimly lit hall to look out the window to the circular dirt path in the farm yard and seeing all the cars there and the trusted friend telling me, "They're all here for you!" Gee that made me feel special. But I was there to be used. To be used and pushed aside. It was a theme I was to be familiar with all my life.

At one point I was told to take a nap and I remember I was shall we say, "feeling no pain" when a female cousin of mine came to me when I was in bed and told me I should come with her or she wasn't going to help me. I stayed and told her I was going to sleep. "O.K. That's it." Was her response and she left.

The most bizarre part of the evening was when I was orally serving a young man who was a little taller and he began holding me by the back of my head when his "member" was shoved down my throat. I was having trouble breathing at this point and my legs were dangling off the ground. My feet kept hitting him in the shins as he rocked his hips to get the maximume pleasure from my mouth and throat. Things just started to go a light grey and I just drifted away. I saw him from above when I was no longer in my body and then I found myself in an oval shaped room that had no defined shape to it. It was a light pinkish white color. I was dead. Since ultimately I chose to come back it was a near death experience. I saw a large figure who I tried to hug and he put a large hand out which connected with my chest. to hold me at bay. A short time later my spirit guide was there and held me as I assesed where I was and why I was there. He told me that I had to decide what I wanted to do. He told me that I did not have a great deal of time as if I took too much time and still wanted to go back I would have mental imparment. I did not want to be rushed and told him that I needed time. He gave me 15 minutes. I was also told to go to view three port windows in this non-decript room to help me make up my mind. I was able to view three different scenes......three different scenes of my future to help me dicide. I remember two of the three were very nice scenes so I decided to stay. I reenered my body with a big gasp of air as God helped reanimate me and the first thing I remember is that the room was Empty! The parking lot of strange cars were also gone. The trusted friend was holding me in his lap and his heart was beating very quickly. I could hear his heart pounding! I was put to bed shortly after this.....but he as punishment withheld headache medicine and breakfast the next day.

I did not want to get up the next day and I had a very horrible headache. I was not given anything for the pounding hang over. Can you imagine a hang over at age 4 years old? I finally did get up and went to the kitchen. I was in the corner of the kitchen partly hiding on the side of a cabinet. The trusted friend was at the opposit corner of the room doing something that I could not see. He said, "Your just lucky you didn't die!" "I DID die!"was my little voiced response. I was not allowed to eat.

Not right away and maybe an hour or later I was given an asprin or something like that.

I remember when my parents showed up I was made to thank the trusted friend who was in charge. I was more dead than alive.

Even with all the marijuana that was smoked in that little mid-western Wisconsin town I am sure that someone remembers the day the little boy died at the party. The problem is, was my little brother touched and violated in another room? And will anyone have the back bone to come forward to verify any of what they witnessed? I am going to try to send my blog to that little midwestern town to see.

I

A Doctors Empathy To the Wives of Pedophiles

In the thousands of articles and websites and everything else I have read about child sexual abuse I came across a particular article from a doctor who had great empathy for the wives of pedophiles. I searched my "bookmarks" but could not find the particular doctor who I am referring to. What struck me is that there was not equal empathy tward the child or children who were molested. I believe we all know the equation of, "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." Why did this doctor not apply that well known equation to this subject?

I have not read in depth of the process of when a child "shuts down" I can only explain what happened to me first hand and show you how it applies to me of the "equalness" of each of our lives.

When I was very young my safety was snatched from me on four separate occasions with the act of sexual abuse. This happened at three different places I lived with my parents. The last house we lived in the safety was taken twice, once when the sexual abuse happened the first time and again when after the house was fully remodled an incident of sexual abuse happend again. Each time the safety was taken away from me I cried a great deal. Why did I cry?

I cried because my joy was taken away. I cried as I WAS unsafe and didn't know what to expect. I no longer felt loved and didn't trust what love came to me so it really didn't reach me. As I have stated before, The foundation you put down when you molest your child is quicksand and much of what you give your child from that point on sinks and will never be recovered. During the process of shutting down I cried as the majority of children do. During this process the mother is the one who will be around as the "father/molester" is off at work. What will the mother do when the child keeps crying? The mother will do what ever they can do to find out why the child is crying. The mother will feed the child. The mother will hold the child. The mother will check if there is diaper rash. The mother will check if there is a tooth coming in. The mother will go through all the steps to find out why the child is crying and when all else fails, the mother will tell the child, "Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about!" In my case I remember clearly I was forbidden to cry. I was asked, "Why are you crying?" I was of age to answer but I could not as I could not understand myself. I had already buried the traumatic memories and they would not reappear until I was able to deal with them. That would be when I was around 27 years old, which is the usual case. My mother would just point at me and demand. "Stop Crying!" I did, and when I did I also shut down more. When I was made to thank a molester when I was left with him over a weekend, I shut down more and I felt my heart literally sink. That is a horrible feeling. That happened when I was 4 years old.

I won't go back and document here each time I was molested and each time I regressed deeper within myself but I think you get the picture. Now years later lets look at what happens to the Mother of the child that is molested. In my case, from all outward appearances my mother and father did all they could for me. They fed me and clothed me and gave me shelter and sent me to school and took me on vacations with the family and and and and and......

And what did they get for what they gave? A son who won't visit or call or or or or......

The food was for the most part plentiful. There was a time when the family went through tough times financially and there was less but that is usual. The shelter was there as far as clothes but what about the shelter from the molesting? Shelter does not get big marks for when I was an infant and child. School was for many years lost to me as I was so confused from the molesting that I was fixated on it that school suffered and I was a poor student as a direct result of abuse.

I was also anti-Catholic as I saw huge amounts of hypocrisy. I ultimately refused to be confirmed.

SO....my mother cried when I was not communicating. My mother cried when I had less and less to do with the man who molested me for years. My mother cried because we did not have a good relationship. My mother cried because from all outward appearances she did everything she could as a loving mother. I sent a letter to my father when I was 28 or 29 outlining all of my memories of his involvement in my sexually molested past. He cried for a long time. When I called to talk my mother and father were both on the phone and my mother was ANGRY. I have never seen anyone cry as much as your father cried! They both cried. My father shared nothing of the letter with anyone accept to say that I had mental issues and that it was a mean and hurtful letter. I had driven to my father and wanted to speak to him in person about all of my memories and he refused. All I wanted was the truth. Why did it happen and what happened to him in his youth to lead us to where we were now? I wanted to address a horrible family issue. What ever you have to say you can say in front of your mother. No, I can not. Why did my father cry? Maybe it had something to do with me calling an incident of him taking me to the mall rest room when he was cruising for gay sex. Maybe it was my clear memories of my father taking me to a place where he involved me in child pornography. Maybe it was when he had someone give me oral sex on his marriage bed with my face covered with a comforter. Ironic isn't it, the word comfortor! Maybe it was because I refereed to one of these experiences as "another father son outing!" And where did I learn this? I learned it from my father/molester. He didn't pull any punches either! As far as I can see it.....the only thing missing was me standing over them demanding that they stop crying or I will give them something to cry about! It sound very cruel here but can you imagine the amount of anguish they went through or are still going through as adults placed on an infant and young child?!? It is equal. The only difference is that they have their friends and family to stand by them to ward off the son who has turned against them or no aparent reason. The result is I am the bad guy in so many peoples eyes. I am the ungrateful one who is now not there for them as they go through the ravages of getting old and dealing with the strokes they resently had.

But I am also the one who tried for 20 years to address serious family issues and a national disgrace and epidemic. I am the one who had come up against a brick wall and have been shut out and abandoned. Oh WELL! (That's the responce I would most get from my mother.)

So......When will we hear about the next wave of sexual abuse from this strain of sexual abuse?

Where will this grow next? Maybe it will not be within this family directly but I believe it is continuing now in the continuing ripple of sexual abuse like a rock dropped into a smooth calm lake....the ripple WILL continue untill someone in someones family help stop the persons throwing the rocks. Thus far....that is not in my family, my relation.

Each Survivors Story Is Different

(The following is an account of what this survivor has survived. This is for an adult reader as it will be graphic. This is not for minors to read.)

My earliest memories of the first place I lived was in a small upstairs apartment in the town where I grew up. I remember my mother carrying me up the white rickety painted stairs with me almost hanging over the edge of the stairs. It was the winter time. I even remember thinking we were not well off to be living in such a place. Often times many people have told me they do not believe me and my memories as they go back to when I was in my mothers womb. There is no physical memory of sexual abuse there but I do remember my father and a man standing over my crib while the man was explaining that I would not remember anything that occurred. Even if there were no conscious memories, we as people still have "body memories".  We did not live there for very long.

The second place that my family lived was in house that was turned into a two apartments. We lived on the main floor of the house. I only have two memories of this place. One memory was that I was in the yard on a blanket and it was a very hot day. My mother went into the house for something as I rested on the blanket. I was the second born so I do not remember where my older sister was at the time. I woke from a little nap and because I was over heated I crawled to a bush and fell asleep under the shade of that bush. I woke up the sound of sirens of a police car as it pulled up. I was given a sound spanking by my mother as I had put her in a panic. I was angry that I was left in such an uncomfortable place and that I was over heated.

The other memory was of myself in my parents dining room. My father was to change my diaper. I was half asleep when my father was changing my diaper. I felt an incredible sensation to my anus. It was his tongue. He was rimming me. The sensation became more and more intense and then their was an explosion. Can you imagine an orgasm that an infant would have? From its place of origin it travels up the spine and explodes in the brain. It caused an immediate head ache that pounded and throbbed. My mother came into the dining room to find my father had stepped back in shock and she picked me up to comfort me. My father came near and I swung at him with my little fist. I knew he was the instigator of this pain. Being an animal we do have a sense of smell early on. There was no one else who could have done this.

So....two different houses were made unsafe at the hands of my father. I was from that point on lethargic and irritable. I existed and not much more. I was very sad as a child. Always.

When I was around two and a half my father brought me to a professional building in the downtown of the town I grew up at. This was to be quality father and son time. He took me into the basement of the building. It was more a garden level place. My father took me into a room and helped me undress. There was a camera on a tripod set up and my father went over to the man behind the camera and made sure there was to me no touching. After my father had this short talk he disappeared. The room was filled with many naked children. I would say around 15 children. We were to play with the many balls that were in the room as he took pictures. I didn't think this was right so after a short time I gathered up my clothes and left. I walked out the door and went to the right down a long hallway. At the end of the hall there were 3 or 4 steps and then a door with a square window on the upper part of the door. I went out that door and sat on the cement stoop there with my clothes folded on my lap. I waited there for what was maybe 5 minutes. There were bushes on either side of the stoop so no one saw me but I could hear a pretty busy road to my right with many cars passing by. My father came out of the building and grabbed me and took me to the left around the side of the building away from the traffic to help me put my clothes back on. We left and he was furious with me. I was happy to be just with him and I was looking forward to going someplace with just him so we could spend that father/son time together. That did not happen. He took me home. I do not remember if he left the family house to go back or not. Years later I put a word on this experience and it was Child Pornography.

*Another realization [February 2015] is that my father and the other fathers of all the children in the basement of the professional building were most likely in another room raping a small boy or girl.  I believe I dodged a bullet.   I am perplexed as to how to find others who remember being there with me. 

The third and final house where my family lived was in the same general area of the first two places. They bought this place and at first it was very exciting. It was a pretty large house. Three bedrooms upstairs, a living room that spanned the entire length of the main floor, a dining room, kitchen and bathroom also on that floor and a large front porch with many windows that would be put away and replaced with screens during the warmer months. I remember my parents had rented a steamer to get rid of the wallpaper covering the walls in the upstairs rooms. They would work at a section of the wall and instruct myself or my older sister to grab a corner of the wallpaper and pull as we gleefully ran across the room. Large sections of the paper would come off and I remember the echos of laughter in the empty room as we helped.

I had a strong love of my siblings back then and it was fun to interact with them. When ever there was a picture taken I would glance at my siblings just as the picture was snapped. I was going to start a tradition. When a person looked back at the documentation of my family they were going to see that I was always looking at my siblings. That tradition was interrupted when I lost myself in the confusion of what I was experiencing. The actual experience was when I woke up with my fathers penis in my mouth. He was sitting on the toilet with his hand on the back of my head. I pushed with my right hand at where his left leg connects to his body and said, "No Daddy!" My heart sank and I began to cry. This home was no longer safe and no longer a home. It was a house. There is a belief in the pedophile community that children will not remember things that happen to them when they are asleep. This is not true. There are "body memories" and while you may not remember things consciously your body WILL remember. You may not ever remember as I do not remember but to this day I will never be aroused sexually when laying on my back. How could I remember what happened as I was asleep. There is no other explanation to why I will never be aroused sexually when laying on my back. What happened next was that I began to shut down. Emotionally and spiritually. I withdrew more and more from all my family. The relationships just forming with my siblings ceased to grow. Have you ever heard you should not disturb a nest as the mother and others will reject the bird or animal that was disturbed? Why do you think that is? I believe the same thing happens when you disturb a nest of a child. I can not communicate what has happened. I do not have the words. I would shy away from my father from that day on. If we were to cross the street he would want to hold my hand. I did not want to hold his hand. What would he do next. I would stay away from him in the family house. I remember him saying shortly after the bathroom incident when I again avoided him, "Oh, you don't want me." And no I didn't. My mother even took my aside and asked me, "Why don't like daddy?" "I like daddy." I lied. What else would I say? What else could I say? Each time something would happen to me.....and I believe to any child that was touched or molested that child would bury the experience. There is no possible way a child is equipped to deal with such things. I cried a great deal. I was experiencing my emotions shutting down. I was not to feel love from any of these people for years. I remember my little sister ( by then there were two more siblings) saying to my mother, "He's crying again!" It was said in such a way that you could tell she was sick of hearing me cry. This is where my siblings shied away from me more and more. I was forced to not cry. If I cried I would be punished and have to spend time on my own. My mother took us to a Disney movie and I told myself that I would not cry. I somehow knew that there would be scary things in the movie. But it wouldn't take much for me to cry anyway. I could not control myself and I cried horribly. I was taken out of the movie and I believe I was the reason we all had to leave the theatre. It wasn't until many years later that I realized that for many years my siblings were taken to movies and other events that I would not be involved in just because I could not control my tears. I missed out on much.

I do not recall how old I was when my family want to a farm on my father side for a gathering.

I was told to go out and find some of the other kids to play. I went outside and looked around and finally found a small group of kids but a trusted friend was doing some very adult things with the kids. He was getting oral sex from one of the kids. This trusted friend had two of the kids hold my hands and pull my arms outward as he stood and fed me his penis. I might have been four years old. I did not resist and he went to the next step and had me undo my pants and had me lay down on my stomach. I told him I was afraid but he said he would just put "it" up to the entrance. He lunged forward and shoved it in. I yelled in pain. He took his right hand and covered my mouth. I bit down. I bit down and would not let go until he got off me but in my terror I kept my mouth clamped to the middle of his palm. He continued to hit me with his other hand until I finally let his hand go. I lay there crying and in shock. A cousin was instructed to get a wash cloth and clean me up. He did. I was calmed down by my cousin and got my clothes back on and walked up to the house. When I was close to the door of the house I as a little child said, "I'm gonna tell!" He panicked and ran after me. I was dodging him as I ducked under the legs of the adults in the house and they intervened trying to find out what had happened. The trusted friend told them that I had bit him. I was asked why I had bit him and I told them that he hurt me. He explained that he had "spanked me". I was made to apologize to him. My heart sank again. Is this what life was all about? There was a definite pattern that I had experienced from an early age and it seemed to continue where ever I was. I guess that all children have these experiences and that's just how it was!

When I was in first grade I would go to each of the four rooms on the main floor of the school before classes began and have a little visit with each teacher. I enjoyed the morning routine and built some nice friendships with the elders I respected. During the summer after my first grade I and my brother were taken to the country to a relatives house for a weekend while my sisters were taken to another relatives house from my mothers side of the family. The parents of the relations my brother and I were at were not there. I am not sure where they were. A trusted family friend was there to babysit for the weekend. The family friend had a party. It was around time for bed time and this trusted friend told me I was going to be in the "Big Boys Room". It was a party with lots of young boys, late teens to mid twenty's. There was lots of beer and brandy shots and marijuana. At 6 years they got me drunk, high on marijuana and passed me around. I orally served many young men that night. I have no idea the number but it went on all night. When I was allowed to sleep I do remember the "trusted friend" speaking with someone and saying, "Watch this." The trusted friend put a finger to my mouth and they watched as my mouth formed an "O" ready for what they wanted to do to me next.

There were many games they played with me. I was blindfolded and was told to remember who's penis was in my mouth. Each guess I made was wrong and that meant I was to keep guessing and keep orally serving. When someone reached an orgasm and shot his sperm in my mouth I questioned what it was. The trusted friend told me,"It's good for you." I believe there was photography. More child pornography.

I remember clearly that I died at that party, literally. I was being made to orally service a man who got very excited and was literally holding the back of my head as he stood there with his penis impaled in my mouth and down my throat. My legs were dangling and my feet were hitting his legs just below the knees. I was struggling to breath and push him away but to no avail. I remember myself choking and I just faded away. All went a light gray as I drifted off and left my body. I found myself in what appeared to be a room shaped like a capsule. It was a light whitish pink but had no solid form. There was someone there and I went to them and tried to hug them. This entity put a hand out and held be back. Another entity showed up very quickly and held me and told me that I had to make a decision whether I wanted to leave earth or to cross over. I told them I didn't know and needed time to make up my mind. I was told I had 15 minutes to decide and if I took any more time that if I went back any later that I would be mentally impaired. I was also told to look into three portholes that were on the side of this capsule shaped room to look at different scenes of my life to come to help me decide. I looked and I believe I only looked at some good things that I would do. I decided to come back. I knew in that state of limbo that I had chosen all the things that I was living through and that the challenges I faced were challenges I had placed before myself. I wanted to be strong and continue. I went back. I remember waking up with a big gasp air that I took in as I reentered my body. I was laying in the arms of the trusted friend and his heart was pounding so strongly that I could both feel and hear it. The room was empty. They had all cleared out. It was eerily quite. I was put to bed. The next day I could not get up as I felt horrible and had a splitting headache. It was my first hang over. I was forced to get out of bed and ended up cowering in the corner of the kitchen. The trusted friend would not let me have any food. I remember him saying, "Your just lucky you didn't die!" "I did die" I retorted. I do not remember much more about the weekend. I did ask to leave but I was not able to. When my parents showed up I had to thank him for the weekend.

I did very poorly in school especially from second grade on. I was consumed with emotions I could not understand especially when I had no actions that I remembered to tie then to those emotions. My grades were very bad. I was very antisocial and spent very little time with others. When it was time to go to the playground I would go and sit on the steps of the old high school that was on the edge of the grounds. I would sit and lean up against the round metal railing that was part of the stairs and tap on the railing or use a rubber band to make sounds that went directly into my ear. I thought of it as a kind of music and an escape. Different teachers were always after me to join in with the other kids but I was very resistant. It took months for me to do anything with them. The same thing would happen with the neighborhood kids and even with relatives at family gatherings. It was less difficult for me to join in on my mothers side of the family.

As I grew up I always had a plan of defense against my father even though I didn't know why I did. We had a rotisserie grill we used in the summer. I always took the long metal pole that went into the grill and put it in a hiding place in the basement. If I needed it I could retrieve it to defend myself. He did not give me a reason to use it.

When I was 13 years old my parents decided to remodel their house. The kitchen and living rooms were moved into the basement. We slept upstairs and spent the rest of the time in the basement as the remodeling was taking place. Right after the remodeling things changed. It was like a light switch was flicked and all seemed fine. The house was different and I no longer felt left out. I got along with my siblings and parents better. I felt loved for the first time at age 13. I didn't know why. I figured that out many years later. To feel loved for the first time was a huge thing. I cried and cried just because it was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. My siblings could not understand but I would have to hide and just release tears. It was crying for joy! I finally felt that I belonged but it didn't help with building any long lasting relationships with my siblings. They were very distrusting of me from many years of irritability I showed them throughout the years. The good times were short lived. It lasted all of three years. I had begun experimenting sexually at the age of 4 or 5 with another neighbor boy my own age and when we went to different high schools it was a kind of breaking up. His family built a house in the country and it was a pretty clean and sudden break. I was very depressed. I could not speak with anyone about this. One day my father came to me and asked me if I wanted oral sex. I was confused and asked him from who from even asking him if it was from him. He said no but he could not tell me from whom it would be. I agreed as I always tried to please my father and I thought it was something he wanted to I went along with it. He had me lay on my parents bed with my legs over the edge of the bed. He took a comforter and folded it over my head and down to my waist. Someone literally came out of the closet and knelt down and began to orally stimulate me. I was excited for a few minutes but freaked out and lost my erection. The man on his knees tried to penetrate my anus with his finger and my father pulled his hand away. My father could tell I was not enjoying what was happening and stopped the man. He retreated back to the hiding place and helped me up. I was very confused. My father asked me if I was alright and I lied and said that I was. I left my parents bedroom.

Growing up Catholic I was involved in being an alter boy. One year a visiting priest was there who would always help us put our cassocks on. He would be feeling us up and it made me uncomfortable. I told him time and time again I did not need help. When the main priest was there for mass the next time I was an alter boy I looked him straight in the eye and asked, "Are you going to help us on with our cassocks too?" He looked at me and asked us how long has this been happening? I replied, "Two weeks." I'll have a talk with him! Was the main priests response. The visiting priest called me on the phone and asked me if religion was just a phase with me. I called the main priest and told him that as long as the visiting priest was there I was not going to step foot in that church.

I went to another Catholic Church about 2 miles away. The church my family went to was 2 blocks away. I was happy to walk the 2 miles to the other church. I joined the litergy comittee and volunteered in other things like surving the thanksgiving meal for people who had no place else to go. I felt I belonged. I was one of those people. Unforutnaltely that was short lived as the preist there tackled me in his living room and I ended up having a short sexual thing with him. I soon left there as well. I was through with the Catholic faith. I had refused to be confirmed when I was in eigth grade and I believe it was one of the best deceisions of my life.

The insodent that happened in my parents bedroom was as if the light switch was switched again. It was just as it was when I was an infant and young child. I had panick attacks and was again very irritable. My father had made sure that each and every house I lived in was unsafe and he did it twice in the last house I lived in!

Just before I went into my first year of high school I ran away. I didn't even know why I ran away. Not at the time anyway. Looking back I know the reason was that there was a flood of emotions that came to me. Emotions without memories. Emotions I could not connect with anything. I was very angry. Ragefull. I did not want anything to do with my father. I was jealous of my younger sister as she had a very close relationship with my father. I didn't understand it. I was not away from my family for very long. Only one night, or the better part of one night. When I did come home my older sister confronted me and berated me as to how I could do such a thing to my parents and family. I did everything to stay away from my family.

I asked my parents if I could have my bedroom in the basement. I could not. I never went to the farm were all the abuse happend. I did go to my mothers side of the family. They were safe.

When it came time for high school I joined everything I could just to be able to be away from my family. I excelled in most things I joined in. I was in choir, theater club and very active in the art department. My 2 siblings who were in high school at the same time as me were jealous as many people would tell them how talented I was in all those fields.

I wanted to move out of my parents house when I was in high school. I wanted to go to foster care. My parents told me that if I did that they would not help me with college. I had years ago wanted to go to public school and have my parents put the $400.00 dollars a year they spent on my Catholic grade school into a college fund. They would not allow me to do this. I relented once again and told my parents that, "I would take the bribe and stay." Years later there was little help with my short lived college experience.

When I did move away to the big city I did go to college and found work and community theatre to occupy my time. When I was 27 years old I had a confrontation with a former room mate who had moved out but broke into my apartment early in the morning by crawling into my kitchen window on the third floor of the building. He woke me from a sound sleep and I was tramatized. Shortly there after I had a flood of memories that filled my mind. I tried to speak with my parents about this and my fathers immediate responce was, "It didn't happen!" I was in shock! Why would you say that?

Why didn't you tell us when all this was happening? Why do you bring this up now? Why do you have to live in the past? You change your story every time you talk about it!

How is an infant or child going to explain this to you? If I am bringing it up now it is only because I am rembering it now! Dealing with the past and addressing it is NOT living in the past! I have never changed my story. My story grows when I have more and more memories of what I have survived as an infant and child.

In the first post of this blog I explained I tried to speak with the matriarch of the family. My fathers sister who WAS a sister aka Bride of Christ. She was also a teacher and I thought what better person to speak with than a strong woman who was very educated. Not gonna happen.

I wrote my father a long letter and outlined all my memories including what I remembered of his involvment. I called some of what happened "father/son outings" and didn't pull any punches. That is what I learned from him! I finished the letter with the same words he had said to me. And about you being my father? IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!

This was the begining of the end as far as my contact with my family/relatives. There are certain boundries that once you cross them you can not cross back. An example of that is when you are a virgin. Once you cross that boundry you are no longer a virgin. Once you cross the boundry and place your penis in your childs mouth you no longer get to have that label of Dad, Father, Papa or what ever your family calls the male half of your parents. You are called a pedophile, at least from the person you violated.



*It is October 9th 2012.

                     (Note Sent)

• • Hello *****, I have been reluctant to ask you about this but I feel I must. I wonder if you knew that (your former husband)  and my father knew each other. It was around the time that I had a very big crush on (your daughter) and I was speaking with my family in a kitchen conversation. My father stated that "I don't like that guy" about your former husband. I pressed my father for more information as to why and he refused to answer. I believe that I met your former husband when I was an infant.
    I have a blog that I have kept for 2 years. I don't want to interfere but I would like to know if you knew of their relationship. Thanks.
• 
  

            (Response from Note)

  • Sorry, I have no information whatsoever on that. I do know that Bob liked you, but nothing about your father ever came up. Love, *****

I recently sent this note  to a friend of mine.  This friend was the wife of a man who my father knew when I was an infant and I believe was active in molesting me with my father.  The woman in question is a very educated person with a college degree and "just for fun" she went back to college to finish yet another degree and she "Passed the Bar" to become a lawyer.  She was in her late 60's at the time.  My mother was largely uneducated.  She went to a Catholic High School only by working in the kitchen to pay some of the way.  She did not have very good grades and did not pursue further education after high school.  The point is that being the wife of a pedophile crosses all levels of socio educational and economical back rounds.