I am trying to network to branch out and be a support to others who have SURVIVED child sexual abuse. Not all of us have had great support so we have to support each other. In my next step in doing this I have begun a Facebook page with the same title as this blog. A brave woman wrote me and told me that her father had molested her. My advice to her was to seek out professional help when she needed to speak with a professional. These days not many of us have insurance and so we have to find places that charge on a sliding scale. One organization I have found to be very helpful is Family And Children's Services, but seek out someone who is a good match for you. Are you more comfortable speaking with a man or woman? Does this professional have knowledge in this particular situation you need to speak about?
It is important to not isolate yourself. I have in the past at times done this and it is not healthy. Even if it is for a short time go out and try to mingle. Go to a lecture with a friend, maybe out for a coffee and some live music somewhere. It does not need to be for all night. Start with what you are comfortable with and let yourself grow at your own pace. Put up healthy boundaries but do not isolate.
We all need to think of ourselves as SURVIVORS. We are here. The child sexual abuse happened long ago for me. I am still here. I am a survivor. That means I am strong, and so are you. Think of your strengths and let them grow. Trusting is a difficult thing but you must try.
I wish I could think more clearly as it has been a long day and I am going to turn in for now. The note I got from a fellow survivor has invigorated me and has shown me that I am reaching someone. I want to be a support. I do what I can do. For now I will step back and do more tomorrow. Do what YOU can do and take what ever steps forward that you can take.
Be well, and thank you to the young woman who had the courage to tell me that her father had molested her. That was very brave thing to do and I applaud you!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
How Prevelent Is Child Sexual Abuse Near Me?
Just how prevalent is child sexual abuse near me. Over the years I have seen and heard different things that lead me to believe that something inappropriate is happening but what should or can I do in that instance? Many years ago I was near a playground and I overheard a young boy saying the words, "Oh, your just like all the rest!" It reminded me of something I said to a friend (a girl) when I was very young. In my own memories it had to do with sexual abuse. I remember that each day I survived after the sexual abuse I told myself I would tell someone but that day in my childhood never came. Those thoughts consumed my life and I was very lost as a child. It affected my entire being and I shut down in many ways. Could those words be words to pay attention to especially when a child can not express what they are wanting to say and get support and help with? Does a person somehow know they will not get support when they do finally voice the experiences of surviving sexual abuse? Maybe times have changed and children are more believed now. I do not know the statistics.
In speaking of other thing I have heard, there was an apartment a few years ago where I heard a child crying at 3:30 in the morning every morning for at least a week. It may have gone on longer than that but from what I heard it was a week. Furthermore the crying was forced and sounded as if at some point of the crying there was a pressure placed upon the child. It did sound to me that the child could have been being raped. I spoke with a married friend of mine and he told me, "Children cry." I heard some talking from a woman and from what I thought I heard she spoke to the girl and told her she was not being hurt. I know this is disturbing to whom ever will read this as it is disturbing to myself as I relive the experience and I am at a loss as to what I should have done or if I am just formulating these things from my own abusive past.
I was at a motel that provided a buffet breakfast as part of the price of the room. There was a young girl who was sitting with a man as they had breakfast and she had a towel over her head. I could not see her very well with the towel covering most of her face but she seemed very depressed and certainly trying to hide. I immediately thought that she was maybe a child in a very dangerous situation. The man sat and ate his breakfast and did not speak with the girl as she occasionally had a utensil full of breakfast and fed herself under the towel. I do not know what I have the power to do in this kind of situation. I feel totally out of sorts. I do not know if the little girl behaved badly and was given a spanking or any real concrete details of what occurred to make this little girl behave as she did. I do not know child psychology to make any judgement as to what happened but I do know what I thought. I thought the man was a father or uncle or (?) was a pedophile and that I wanted to find a way to help the little girl. I wanted to talk with her to find out why she was hiding under the towel. I wanted to get her away from a man who I thought was harming her. But I didn't know what I could/should do, and I did nothing. I must find out my powers and my abilities to act upon what I see. I need to investigate what I can do the next time. We all need to be more proactive.
In speaking of other thing I have heard, there was an apartment a few years ago where I heard a child crying at 3:30 in the morning every morning for at least a week. It may have gone on longer than that but from what I heard it was a week. Furthermore the crying was forced and sounded as if at some point of the crying there was a pressure placed upon the child. It did sound to me that the child could have been being raped. I spoke with a married friend of mine and he told me, "Children cry." I heard some talking from a woman and from what I thought I heard she spoke to the girl and told her she was not being hurt. I know this is disturbing to whom ever will read this as it is disturbing to myself as I relive the experience and I am at a loss as to what I should have done or if I am just formulating these things from my own abusive past.
I was at a motel that provided a buffet breakfast as part of the price of the room. There was a young girl who was sitting with a man as they had breakfast and she had a towel over her head. I could not see her very well with the towel covering most of her face but she seemed very depressed and certainly trying to hide. I immediately thought that she was maybe a child in a very dangerous situation. The man sat and ate his breakfast and did not speak with the girl as she occasionally had a utensil full of breakfast and fed herself under the towel. I do not know what I have the power to do in this kind of situation. I feel totally out of sorts. I do not know if the little girl behaved badly and was given a spanking or any real concrete details of what occurred to make this little girl behave as she did. I do not know child psychology to make any judgement as to what happened but I do know what I thought. I thought the man was a father or uncle or (?) was a pedophile and that I wanted to find a way to help the little girl. I wanted to talk with her to find out why she was hiding under the towel. I wanted to get her away from a man who I thought was harming her. But I didn't know what I could/should do, and I did nothing. I must find out my powers and my abilities to act upon what I see. I need to investigate what I can do the next time. We all need to be more proactive.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Unfair to Push The Issue of addressing child sexual abuse?
Is it unfair to push the issue of addressing child sexual abuse?
I have been having some wonderful discussions and debates with a good friend of mine. In our talks my friend pointed out a situation with his family about physical violence. My friends brother forbid his father from seeing his children because of the fathers history of being physically abusive. My friends brother forbid their father from seeing his children unless he sought therapy. The entire family joined in and while it was very difficult at times and opened some wounds it was necessary in order to stop that cycle from continuing. I liken it to a type of cancer that while it is not visible it is still there and has the potential of surfacing and many things could trigger that kind of outburst.
The same dynamics apply to a family who is damaged by a sexual predator. Not exactly in the same way but the outline is there. A sexual predator is a hidden person. You can not tell from looking at them that they are attracted to a child in a sexual way and many things could trigger that predator from acting upon their desires. In my situation I do not have the leverage that my friends brother had. My own "family" chose to not speak to me for years and what would I say to them? We all have to do group therapy or I won't let you see my CAT!" That's not going to go very far! I have tried with the most urgency to have the Matriarch take a stand with me but for over 20 years of letters, phone calls and emails the woman would not budge. I am truly baffled. The teacher and former religious has chosen ignorance over knowledge and I just can not wrap my head around that one. I used to have such respect for her but now I only feel pity.
My debating friend suggested that this matriarch is just not able to address this issue. It would be the breaking point of her life and would in fact be damaging to her physiologically. My view of the issue is if nothing is done there stands the chance of sexual abuse in my family to continue. If she does nothing than she is in fact the continuation of child sexual abuse in my family and in the community where my sexual abuser lives. This matriarch stated in an email that she has blocked out most of her childhood. This is a sure sign that she herself has been molested. There is a patern here that should not be ignored. There is that word again. I know of a cousin who had a falling out with his father. My own father/molester had a very close relationship with that uncle. I believe my uncle was most likely a phedophile as well. I contacted my cousin to ask if he would tell me of his fathers and his falling out. That was a few months ago and i doubt that will ever happen. If that cousin would be willing to open up and compare notes as to what our abusers did to us it would add validity to the history of child sexual abuse that does most likely exist. I do wonder how long this history really goes back? How many generations have kept silent and how many in the future will be affected as a result of that silence?
I have mentioned this before that when I began having memories of child sexual abuse at age 27 I contacted both of my sisters. I explained to them that a person usually remembers child sexual abuse in their mid to late twenties. If that happens with my nieces and nephews I will be there for them. I do not have faith for my own generation of the family. I do have hope for our families future.
I have been having some wonderful discussions and debates with a good friend of mine. In our talks my friend pointed out a situation with his family about physical violence. My friends brother forbid his father from seeing his children because of the fathers history of being physically abusive. My friends brother forbid their father from seeing his children unless he sought therapy. The entire family joined in and while it was very difficult at times and opened some wounds it was necessary in order to stop that cycle from continuing. I liken it to a type of cancer that while it is not visible it is still there and has the potential of surfacing and many things could trigger that kind of outburst.
The same dynamics apply to a family who is damaged by a sexual predator. Not exactly in the same way but the outline is there. A sexual predator is a hidden person. You can not tell from looking at them that they are attracted to a child in a sexual way and many things could trigger that predator from acting upon their desires. In my situation I do not have the leverage that my friends brother had. My own "family" chose to not speak to me for years and what would I say to them? We all have to do group therapy or I won't let you see my CAT!" That's not going to go very far! I have tried with the most urgency to have the Matriarch take a stand with me but for over 20 years of letters, phone calls and emails the woman would not budge. I am truly baffled. The teacher and former religious has chosen ignorance over knowledge and I just can not wrap my head around that one. I used to have such respect for her but now I only feel pity.
My debating friend suggested that this matriarch is just not able to address this issue. It would be the breaking point of her life and would in fact be damaging to her physiologically. My view of the issue is if nothing is done there stands the chance of sexual abuse in my family to continue. If she does nothing than she is in fact the continuation of child sexual abuse in my family and in the community where my sexual abuser lives. This matriarch stated in an email that she has blocked out most of her childhood. This is a sure sign that she herself has been molested. There is a patern here that should not be ignored. There is that word again. I know of a cousin who had a falling out with his father. My own father/molester had a very close relationship with that uncle. I believe my uncle was most likely a phedophile as well. I contacted my cousin to ask if he would tell me of his fathers and his falling out. That was a few months ago and i doubt that will ever happen. If that cousin would be willing to open up and compare notes as to what our abusers did to us it would add validity to the history of child sexual abuse that does most likely exist. I do wonder how long this history really goes back? How many generations have kept silent and how many in the future will be affected as a result of that silence?
I have mentioned this before that when I began having memories of child sexual abuse at age 27 I contacted both of my sisters. I explained to them that a person usually remembers child sexual abuse in their mid to late twenties. If that happens with my nieces and nephews I will be there for them. I do not have faith for my own generation of the family. I do have hope for our families future.
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