Friday, April 30, 2010

All The Details Are Important in Memories of Child Sexual Abuse

I have been to many therapists throughout the years. Some have been better than others. You really have to kind of "shop around" to find out who is the best fit for yourself. One therapist that I went to through "Family & Children's Services" a few years ago was one of the best for me. He has since gone into private practice so that is no longer an option for me. I sometimes have little flashes of details of my past molestations. It is sometimes triggered by something and sometimes they just come to mind.
A few of those past memories that I did not include in the post about the history of my personal sexually abusive history have resurfaces recently. One of the memories happened right after my mother and I went to church. There were restrooms just to the side of the church in a nearby building. I remember I needed to use the rest room but the light in the men's room was burned out (or I believe the light bulb was just unscrewed) An elderly man was standing outside the restroom and he volunteered to help me. I am sure my mother thought "what a kind man". I was at an age when I was just starting to go to the rest room by myself but in this case since there was no light I got some help. I remember him picking me up and having me stand on the sink. He took my pants down and fondled me. At the same time he held a hand over my mouth as I was trying to protest what he was doing. He felt me up in the front up to my chest and I think we were there just as long as it would seen to use the restroom. Then he put my clothes back on and returned me "safely" to my mother. As usual once the molestation was over I buried it in my subconscious and began the two block walk back home with my mother. About half way home she noticed I had urinated in my pants. Another memory was of my father sitting on the toilet and masterbating. I do not remember my age when this happened but I know it was later than this other memory I just wrote about. The four claw bath tub was right in front of the toilet in corner of the bathroom. I think I was not always in the tub by myself. My brother was there sometimes as well. When ever anyone need to take a bath it was customary to ask if anyone needed to use the toilet before the bath began. It happened very frequantly that my father need to use the toilet when it was in the middle of our bath. He sometimes stunk up the place but many times he just sat with a towel over his lap and while I did not know what he was doing with his hands under that towel, I know now that he was masterbating. During these times he did not stink up the bathroom. I think he most likely tried to stink up the bathroom so my mother would not suspect anything else was happening.

I was chatting with my past therapist about the first memory saying it was no big deal as not much happened during that insodent (compared with most) but he told me that every memory was important and I should not just brush it off.

I have continued to try to reach out to [relatives] about this legacy non will speak of or acknowelge. An aunt of mine, the former religious, has told me she has blocked out much of her childhood. I have asked her if she would Skype with me when I went to my next therapist session. I explained to her that I am only looking out for the families best health and welfare. I have not recieved an answer as yet. I am NOT holding my breath. I suggested that she might even be able to deal with some of her suppressed memories. I think that "rose colored glassed" is the route she will choose.

I just finished the gripping yet disturbing book, "Because I Love You" written by Joyce Allan. I do recommend the book to anyone interested in this brave womans journey. Everyone deals with their own story differently. Joyce Allan was still blocking out actions well past the time she had children. Not remembering allowing her children visits to her father in Colorado when she would be in Maryland. Her family history spans five generations. I do not know how long my own family legacy will span, but I suspect it is continuing as I type this. I recently was emailing my younger sister trying to get some informaiton and I guess using some pressure to get that information. She responded with an OMG I feel I am back in High School! I gave her an OMG right back and pointed out her missunderstanding of the situation. I also pointed out that I do not know the ages of her two children but that most people begin to remember child sexual abuse around their mid to last twenties. I told her I woud be there for her during that time if they did happen to be part of this legacy. Maybe there were just viewings in the bathtub and my father suppressed his desires for any kind of touching with them. Only time will tell.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Some Organizations May Not Want Pedophiles to Go Away.

This is a letter I wrote to ****, I strongly feel there needs to be a cohesive network for all concerned to address this issue together.

Dear ****,

I am one of the millions of survivors of child sexual abuse and am trying to work to bring the numbers down and possibly brainstorm with others who are working to do the same thing. I have been involved with over 1,200 talks about GLBT issues and many of those talks have delved into the issues of sexual abuse as well. Many of the organizations I have reached out to have been eager for me to speak publicly with their organization but after the many years I have been speaking (as a volunteer) I do not have the time or energy as I am trying just make ends meet (just the same as many people.)

I have recently been speaking with a friend about the frustrations surrounding my inability to find a way to have an open forum not associated with something that will be very public such as facebook as none of us need to face any more rejection or abandonment than we have faced before both from family or friends who just do not believe that anything happened at all. I am sure that no one who is raped or molested wants to hear, "Just get over it!" any more. I have heard this many times over the years and it is not something one "just gets over!" The friend I have been speaking with tells me that no one is going to listen to anyone who does not have a degree. That is difficult to listen to as the cycle of molestation that many of us have endured does not coincide with a great deal of education because when the abuse is happening at such a young age many children have a great deal of trouble just focusing on basic school lessons and basic social education as well. What strikes me is that I am reading a book that was written by a woman about child sexual abuse who has a degree in psychology but in the same breath she allowed her own father to molest her children. It all seems very crazy to me.

I contacted both of my sisters the moment I began having memories of child sexual abuse and warned them not to allow our father to baby sit them alone. I was not listened to and was labeled someone with mental problems. I have recently emailed my younger sister and told her the average age when a person remembers sexual abuse is the early to mid twenties. At that time I will be there for them if they want me to be.

I guess the questions are: How do the survivors make a difference when they are from what I have seen, not involved in the process? Who are the people making the decisions as to the proper way to address this issue? How do we bridge that gap and let all concerned join in the process together? If you do not have a forum where this gap can be bridged can you please tell me where that forum could be that is not open to the general public so as not to have more people criticize and abandon any more than we have been abandoned in the past?

*It is difficult to believe that some may not want the issue of Child Sexual Abuse to Go Away but I believe this may be the case with some organizations I have tried to communicate with. Why you may ask does an organization want child sexual abuse to continue you may ask. Some organizations are able to line their pockets with lots of money as a result of child sexual abuse. Such is the case with some organizations that make a great deal of money when it comes to HIV and AIDS. While donating a percentage to the good cause they are associated with and getting some well meaning celebrities to plead with the general public to send much needed funds they ultimately seem to rake it in.

I have broken off ties with an organization that gets people in touch with therapists and promotes education for people who are survivors of child sexual abuse. They do not claim to be trying to get to the solution to the issue of child sexual abuse and they, from what I can tell do not answer emails from people who like myself ARE trying to get to the solution to the core issue.
I encourage people to support what ever organization they can afford to support but if you do not hear from an organization accept for them asking for money....I would think clearly where you wish to send your hard earned cash. Best of luck to the organization I tried to communicate with.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Even Oprah Winfrey's family does not believe she was molested. (so says Kitty Kelly)

Who knows if what you read from Kitty Kelly is true. From what I know of her and her books (non of which I have read) her books are referred to as "Kitty Litter". There was an article I read in the USA Today news paper that said that the majority of Oprah Winfrey's own family do not believe that she was molested. I would love to interview Ms. Winfrey. While she has spoken about her abuse I would like to find out what her relation is with her family and how she deals with their not believing.

I have been on the Oprah Winfrey website today reading about her ongoing quest to address child sexual abuse and I again applaud her and Lisa Ling for the work they do. Lisa Ling has real guts to speak with the worst of the worst offenders.

A few of the quotes from the offenders really hit home with me.

Who are the most vulnerable victims? Laura says it's the children who aren't getting the love and attention they need at home.
(Laura is the only female on the island off the coast of Washington State [where the worst of the worst child sexual offenders are housed].

"[For] a lot of us, I guess, [the abuse] happened when we were younger, 8 or 9 years old. ... You really don't have much in your life at that age but your family, and for some people, a relationship with God," he says. "When something like that does happen, and it's a family member, you pretty much shatter that duality of the comfort of your family and your spirituality."

These two people are saying in different words what I have said already. The children who are not getting love and affection at home are the most vulnerable. An offender can zero in on that right away. When you are in an unsafe place where molestation has occurred that love will NEVER reach you. Even if you are getting attention from someone in the family, say your mother, in my case I never really trusted that love. I always felt I got attention just because that is what she was supposed to do and so I never trusted that I was worthy of love and attention.

The second quote says it clearly. When there is sexual abuse, the abuser Shatters the comfort and safety of the child.

My last post speaks of when the relationships of children and parents turn. My parents are now in their early 70's and there is certainly no hope of ever really trying to speak with them about the abuse that did happen in my "childless" house where I grew older. I find it difficult to say it was my childhood home as I really did not have a childhood, and I never really grew up there....more so I grew older. I lacked the social education and had to fend for myself by getting involved with extra curricular activities at school.

I have not spoken with many in my family about child sexual abuse. I did write a letter to all the aunts and uncles on my mothers side of the family and stated that there is a history of child sexual abuse on my fathers side of the family and non of them have ever spoken with me since. There are a few other reasons they will not speak with me and that includes my sexual orientation and because I changed my name. I have recently been emailing my younger sister who always had a very close relationship with my birth father. I told her that I knew I would never be able to convince her that I was ever sexually molested by my birth father and that was fine. Thinking back I don't think that it is fine. I did mention in my email that most people will remember their sexual abuse at around 25-28 years old. I am not sure how old my nieces and nephews are but I think she got what I was getting at to at least be somewhat prepared and not surprised to hear any one of them come forward to tell their own experiences of molestation. I did warn my sisters about allowing my birth father to baby sit their children many years ago when I was 27 when my first traumatic memories began to surface. I am not sure if they ever listened to my words.
Time will tell if he still had the urges with his grand children.